I admit that I am jealous of brothers and sisters who grow closer together with age. The notion of going shopping with an adult sister, and enjoying it, or sharing the burden of caregiving with a brother, and feeling supported, are sadly not part of my personal lexicon.
Just as a woman craving more love in her life might be drawn to reading romance novels, I find myself picking up books that explore the tangled ties of family — especially if they hold the promise of happy, satisfying, or at least instructive outcomes. So when one of our members (and good friend) Beverly Olevin handed me a copy of her
new novel, The Good Side of Bad, I devoured it in one sitting.
When a family crisis occurs in the novel, requiring a new level of teamwork, all kinds of old feelings and habits surface between three adult siblings. There are the fights, the competitive feelings, betrayal and the teasing that happens to all sisters and brothers.
Sibling relationships are complicated enough when kids are young, but they can become even more complicated when the siblings become adults. Does the older brother who used to protect you still have your back now that you are grown? Do sisters who now live miles apart lose the closeness they shared as children?
Sometimes, sadly, the answer is that relationships do get trapped in the past, or end entirely. But Beverly’s book holds out the candle of hope that even in hard times, or perhaps because of them, at least the brothers and sisters she writes about can learn to become adults in the best sense of the word, choosing to show up for each other, and ultimately for themselves.
The Good Side of Bad takes us on both a humorous and moving journey towards compassion and the other side of loss.
Beverly’s book is but the latest in a genre of literature that helps us think about our own relationships with our brothers and sisters. In fact, the rivalry between siblings is often the foundation of plot conflicts. The classic examples are the jealousy and competition between the three sisters in King Lear. And at the opposite end of the scale is the loving supportive relationship between the sisters in Little Women.
In the popular historical novel, The Other Boleyn Girl by Philippa Gregory, two loving sisters are torn apart by ambition and love. The movie The Savages, starring Laura Linney and Philip Seymour Hoffman, reveals the struggles of a brother and sister as they deal with their aging father. How do different values and desires conflict? How do we work together or at odds with our siblings when it comes to handling the issues of aging parents?
The novels of Anne Tyler also often deal with the relationships between siblings. You might want to take a look at The Tin Can Tree, which is the story of siblings at three different life stages. Or read If Morning Ever Comes, which looks at the only male in a household of women.
We look at how we define “family” differently at different stages in our lives. But our sisters and brothers will always demand, rightfully or not, to be part of the equation.
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Sounds very interesting.
Spike, you are awesome! Love your perspective, thanks for sharing.
Outside of fiction, I don’t know of any siblings who are totally close and without issues. For those who claim to be doing okay at this point, I am willing to bet a lot of money they have not yet been severely tested by the trials of aging/dying parents & elder care, and estate administration/inheritance settling. Sadly, it seems to me pretty much all families become one of THOSE families when push comes to shove.
Every relationship has issues. My brother and sister and I have always been close, but none of us were close to our parents who did the very best they could but didn’t know how to nurture. Our father died 20 years ago, but only this January did the 4 year journey of our mother’s decline come to an end.
The three of us are very different, and have chosen very different paths and life styles, but respect has always been part of our relationship. We were very gratified when, upon my mother’s death, the nursing staff who had cared for her for so long told us that they had greatly admired the way the three of us were able to function as a team throughout the entire process of care and decision making.
As the executor of Mom’s estate, I am particularly grateful that that demeanor of respect has transcended every final arrangement we needed to make, as well as the distribution of those things our mother held dearly.
I think all families, especially the ones that look picture perfect on the outside, have their own set of dysfunctions and sadness. We are, after all human (and speaking for myself, just barely that at times.)
My siblings and I have a picture-perfect relationship - now that I’ve moved 3,000 miles away!
I am happy to say that I have grown closer to my siblings as I age. I have a sister who is 7 years younger and we have always been close but until 10 years ago, my brother always seemed like a rival. I have had the opportunity to spend some quality time with my brother this past year and you know what – I really really love him. He and I have softened and I look forward to spending many more years creating a healthy bond.
I am fortunate when it comes to family. When my family (mom, dad, 3 brothers, 1 sister) settled in Bham, AL in 1966, I was 17. I hated the, at that time, backward little town, so I left and went back to Texas. We stayed close, however with phone calls, letters, cards. I came back every year at Christmas especially when I became a single mom. My sister and one of my brothers would drive or fly into San Antonio summers when I was at UTSA. I moved to Atlanta (85) and then back to Bham (90) and it’s like I never left. My sister calls from Atlanta or I call her. She drives in about once or twice a month and stays at Mom’s. The boys come over and we all cook and eat and sip. If Billy has his kids for the weekend, he brings them.
Shopping with Mom (now 76) always includes lunch and beer at Jim n Nicks, followed by more shopping then happy hour and appetizers at Brios or Outback. Just the 2 of us unless my sister is in town. The boys might join us for happy hour, but the usually pass on the shopping.
Although we have all grown differently: different beliefs, politics, child rearing methods, those topics are off limits. I think families are microcosm for the world and as with countries, political parties, religions, most problems arise when any one is insistent that their way is the only way and on forcing their beliefs, religion, or politics on another.
We simply agree to disagree.We’ve all had our trials: Daddy died when mom was 45 and left with 2 teenage boys to raise alone and no real job skills – she did a good job; one sibs spouse dropped dead on his kitchen floor at 50. Me, a husband with cancer and a daughter born with a myriad of diagnoses in and out of intitutions since age 12 is now in a group home. one sib gave up on marriage after 3…..
Life is what life is and I choose to live in gratitude for what I have, never what I don’t. When all is said and done, I feel blessed. We still gather every chance we can, usually 2 or 3 times a month and usually at Mom’s – We seat 13 for dinner at the holidays.
Sorry, didn’t mean to write a book – actually I think I’ll cut and paste this into that memoir that is my journal and keep writing for a few hours. It’s a beautiful pre-fall day and my balcony is pleasant place to write.
Thanks for the inspiration
Perle
I am one of the lucky ones. My sister and 2 brothers and I remain close and connected. Though,of course, there have been disagreements, times of drifting slightly apart and having different priorities, we always come back together and know, with total certainty, that we can always count on each other. We have been through the heartache of losing our mother 30 years ago, our father 8 years ago. Some of our children have had serious health issues. One lost a child. We have suffered like every family – and experienced great joy like every family. There is no doubt in any of our minds that one phone call will rally everyone – no explanations needed, no questions asked. We are there. And we know we are very lucky to have each other.
I am one of the lucky ones. My sister and 2 brothers and I remain close and connected. Though,of course, there have been disagreements, times of drifting slightly apart and having different priorities, we always come back together and know, with total certainty, that we can always count on each other. We have been through the heartache of losing our mother 30 years ago, our father 8 years ago. Some of our children have had serious health issues. One lost a child. We have suffered like every family – and experienced great joy like every family. There is no doubt in any of our minds that one phone call will rally everyone – no explanations needed, no questions asked. We are there. And we know we are very lucky to have each other.
I am one of the lucky ones. My sister and 2 brothers and I remain close and connected. Though,of course, there have been disagreements, times of drifting slightly apart and having different priorities, we always come back together and know, with total certainty, that we can always count on each other. We have been through the heartache of losing our mother 30 years ago, our father 8 years ago. Some of our children have had serious health issues. One lost a child. We have suffered like every family – and experienced great joy like every family. There is no doubt in any of our minds that one phone call will rally everyone – no explanations needed, no questions asked. We are there. And we know we are very lucky to have each other.
My sister is 14 years older than I am and we have never been close. She is a very insensitive person and the only person who she truly cares about is herself. My mother is 90 and has been very sick, big sis picks this time to tell her she didn’t think Mother ever loved her and was not a good mother. What she hope to accomplish at this point in time I don’tknow, she is 73 years old I think it is time she grew up. I am so angry at her I haven’t said anything to her because I am afraid of what I might say and regret later. My sister has made a lot of bad choices and blames all her problems on someone besides her self.
I can relate! I am 7 years older than my sister and due to family circumstances when we were children, cared for her and my younger brother. She is like your sister – she’s the victim! It hasn’t changed and probably never will. Of course it’s all my fault since I ‘raised’ her. And of course I hear this constantly – I am the reason for everything wrong with her life.
Our Mother is 87 and now in a nursing home, I am Mother’s advocate legally and medically and tell my siblings what’s going on – but if I’m not there, my sister will berate the staff for some (usually imagined) slight. This upsets my Mother and the staff! So I must apologize and reinforce that if the staff ever has any questions after talking with my sister to please call me and verify whatever she’s said. It’s a vicious circle – I want my sister to participate in my Mother’s care and to have input but she is demanding and rude and I fear that she’s going to cross the wrong person and damage the care my Mother receives. I can’t speak with my sister about it because it turns loud and ugly and she runs posthaste to my Mother to complain about me and whatever else she feels slighted over. This upsets my Mother and rather than tell my sister to work on tempering her attitude she tells me that she wishes ‘we could all get along’ So I do my best to abide by her wishes and can accomplish this by pretty much saying nothing to my sister. Which accomplishes nothing between us all in sharing and being involved in Mother’s care and affairs. It’s very tiring and upsetting. I have always wished there was more closeness between us all, but am resigned that apparently that is not to be.
I have four sisters – one in Chicago, one in NY, two in Maryland, and I live in Florida. We not only e-mail one another and talk on the phone, but every year we gather for a weekend and have a pajama party – we discuss what has happened to us over the last year – nothing is off limits- love, divorce, children, career, politics, sex, religion, aging, weight issues - all of it. Our pajama party has kept us close. We range in age from 49 – 63. (My sibs will gather at my house on November 5th.)
Jan Culllinane, Co-author, The New Retirement: The Ultimate Guide to the Rest of Your Life (Rodale)
I am not close with my siblings at all, and I’m ok with it. This world is filled with good people. When you don’t have family closeness, you can cultivate it among friends. My friends don’t have the “growing up” agenda that siblings have, and I am closer to them than my brother and sister could ever be.
I would be at a complete loss without the love and support of my younger brother, Al. He was born when I was 4 years old. I was the first grandchild on both sides of the family and therefore received an an excess of attention. I was thrilled when he was born. As the first male grandchild he got lots of attention so my burden of having to be perfect was lessened. The fact that he was a sunny sweet child made him even more loveable. And he grew into a wonderful man, husband and father. We share all of our thoughts together and more than once my “baby” brother has proven to be a wise counsellor.
I am 52 and have 4 siblings. We are all close with the exception of one brother who is totally dysfunctional. I won’t go into that. My youngest brother and myself are extremely close. He travels for a living and we talk on the phone every single night. He makes me laugh, he takes care of me financially since I have been unemployed for almost two years. I am close to both of my sisters as well but nothing compared to the closeness I have with my brother. We have already been through the deaths of our parents, our children getting into drugs and numerous other problems. It seems each thing that has gone wrong though has only served to bring us closer together. I feel bad for anyone that doesn’t have the closeness with their siblings that I have with mine. There is no one else in the world that is as much like you as your siblings are.
This response actually applies to all the posts about siblings that are “dysfunctional.” I am 58 with a 54 y.o. sister and an 85 y.o. mother. I pulled away from the family for 24 yrs. due to the abuse that I not only grew up with but was still having to endure at the time. When my husband died, I was back in touch with my mom & sister who by this time had conjoined at the hips. They are carbon copies of each other. They were glad to see me until they realized I was the same person I’d been all my life and suddenly I was on the outside looking in again. My sister waves her POA in front of my every chance she gets, prevents me from being involved in my mother’s care and my mother supports her behavior. It is very easy for them to see me as acting like a “victim” but they fail to see their own behavior as well. They fail to see the pain they are causing me by pushing me away during these last few years of my mom’s life. I have tried to make amends for the pain my absence supposedly caused but no one is interested. It is very easy to make one or more siblings a scapegoat in an already dysfunctional family. Perhaps if some of you looked at things differently you’d change your point of view. Families can definitely be like little cliques.
I have a brother that is only three years older then me and a sister who is two years older. They are very close. My sister likes to gossip and she can do that with his wife. Even growing up I was not close to my brother. Nothing has changed over the years. We live about 15 minutes from each other but never see each other. Neither of us did anything against the other..but we just never have “clicked” on any level. When I see him it is nice but after two minutes we have nothing to say to each other.
My sister and I talk on the phone every month or so and we only live 6 miles from each other. We do spent some together but we are as different personality wise as night and day. She can be very aggressive and domineering. I know after maturing now how to handle her but for years I just avoided her since I didn’t like any confrontation. But now I can hold my own. But I still choose to not spend much time with her.
I am still very close to my Mother. We always had a wonderful relationship. Where as my sister was closer to our father since they had similar personalities.
I am very happy to say that my siblings and parents have always had a loving relationship….I am not saying it was perfect, no relationship is…but we have always had unconditional love with each other. We don’t belief in holding grudges, life is too short. And we have been tested by aging (Mother) and dying (Father, gone now 15 years). I think it is because we were raised with a strong but not judgmental and non-legalistic faith in God, and have kept Him in all our lives as we grew up and out on our own….Our Mother is needing my sister and I more now and though hard sometimes, we have felt it also a blessing to take care of her. She has a mind of her own, but our joy is to serve her as she has taken care of us in the past. Now, that my Father and older brother have died, we more than ever, see the preciousness of our relationships and time together. Now that our children have grown, we seem to have more emotional time to give to Mom, along with each other and of course our children and grandchildren. It is all in how you look at it, I guess. And yes, we have dealt also with estate administration/inheritance settling, etc. Life and love is not about things. At least, that is how I have learned to see it. I miss my brother..:( He would have been only 58 years this November) And my Dad would have been 87.
Unfortunately, I also have problems with my younger sister and brother. My brother was made executor over our mother’s estate and I would have sworn he’d be totally up front and honest and fair but when I flew home for mom’s funeral, my brother and his wife and my sister all gave me the cold shoulder. My brother never ever did give my sister and myself a statement of closure as to the disbursement of our mother’s estate but I now know I didn’t get my fair share plus he refused to let me have ANY of the family pictures. Because I was away when my mother died, they went through everything and left me with nothing to remember he by or to pass on to my children. I would have liked to have my mother’s diaries and definitely wanted my third of the pictures. I haven’t spoken to my brother in years – he moved and never told me his new address. My sister and I have been speaking on and off – mostly off – and recently ceased speaking again. I learned from someone that she may have had a stroke (she’s to have an MRI to see if she might have a brain tumor) so in spite of our not speaking, I called to offer my sympathy. When there was no answer, I left a message and told her she could call me if she wanted to talk. She called. She said her dr. said that I was going to put her in an early grave and that I caused her stroke,,,,,and then hung up. She is an alcoholic but I don’t think her dr. knows this as he has put her on opioid medication for pain and she is still drinking and she had a mini-stroke some years ago and was told to stop smoking but smokes close to 2 cartons a wk. and I’ll bet her dr. doesn’t know she smokes nearly that much – if at all. (I’d imagine he can smell it on her?). But she has stolen from me and made my life miserable since we were children and she just keeps getting worse with age. She twists everything around and blames everyone but herself for her problems. Her own daughter hasn’t spoken to her in years – I wish I had the will-power of her daughter. I doubt I’ll be stupid enough to let her into my life again since this latest accusation. When I flew home to my mother’s funeral, I thought I’d be giving and receiving support with my siblings. Instead, I learned I had lost all my surviving family at once. Our father was an alcoholic and that is at the root of all our problems. I’m the only child who didn’t become an alcoholic – likely because I remember what it was like while our dad was drinking whereas my siblings don’t remember. Plus my mother told me in later years, that she had taken her anger at my dad’s drinking out on me all my life,,,,,which explained my terrible relationship with my mother. Fortunately, my mother and I were at peace with on another before she passed away and I thank God for that.
I find it very painful to watch a movie or read a book where the family all comes together in the end as I don’t have a happy ending myself.
Unfortunately, I also have problems with my younger sister and brother. My brother was made executor over our mother’s estate and I would have sworn he’d be totally up front and honest and fair but when I flew home for mom’s funeral, my brother and his wife and my sister all gave me the cold shoulder. My brother never ever did give my sister and myself a statement of closure as to the disbursement of our mother’s estate but I now know I didn’t get my fair share plus he refused to let me have ANY of the family pictures. Because I was away when my mother died, they went through everything and left me with nothing to remember he by or to pass on to my children. I would have liked to have my mother’s diaries and definitely wanted my third of the pictures. I haven’t spoken to my brother in years – he moved and never told me his new address. My sister and I have been speaking on and off – mostly off – and recently ceased speaking again. I learned from someone that she may have had a stroke (she’s to have an MRI to see if she might have a brain tumor) so in spite of our not speaking, I called to offer my sympathy. When there was no answer, I left a message and told her she could call me if she wanted to talk. She called. She said her dr. said that I was going to put her in an early grave and that I caused her stroke,,,,,and then hung up. She is an alcoholic but I don’t think her dr. knows this as he has put her on opioid medication for pain and she is still drinking and she had a mini-stroke some years ago and was told to stop smoking but smokes close to 2 cartons a wk. and I’ll bet her dr. doesn’t know she smokes nearly that much – if at all. (I’d imagine he can smell it on her?). But she has stolen from me and made my life miserable since we were children and she just keeps getting worse with age. She twists everything around and blames everyone but herself for her problems. Her own daughter hasn’t spoken to her in years – I wish I had the will-power of her daughter. I doubt I’ll be stupid enough to let her into my life again since this latest accusation. When I flew home to my mother’s funeral, I thought I’d be giving and receiving support with my siblings. Instead, I learned I had lost all my surviving family at once. Our father was an alcoholic and that is at the root of all our problems. I’m the only child who didn’t become an alcoholic – likely because I remember what it was like while our dad was drinking whereas my siblings don’t remember. Plus my mother told me in later years, that she had taken her anger at my dad’s drinking out on me all my life,,,,,which explained my terrible relationship with my mother. Fortunately, my mother and I were at peace with on another before she passed away and I thank God for that.
I find it very painful to watch a movie or read a book where the family all comes together in the end as I don’t have a happy ending myself.
My mother left my father when I was ten and the oldest of five. So, in spite of another relationship, she was the stereotypical matriarch. Then, just over 15 years ago when she was 65, she got pancreatic cancer. My two sisters and I helped to nurse her while she was in the hospital and then the hospice. Our two brothers couldn’t handle it and pretty much stayed away. Now, all of the siblings I grew up with are half, we have the same mom but different dads, (I was adopted by the father of my three youngest siblings), but we never really thought of each other that way, we just all felt like we were in the same family led by this very powerful, amazing and often frightening woman.
When mom died six weeks after her diagnosis, I really believed that my sisters and I would remain close. We had always been relatively close. But that’s not what happened at all. One sister, after avoiding me for several months, told me, “It’s nothing personal, I just don’t want to have anything to do with you.” The other sister, who was diagnosed HIV positive a few months before our mother died, just acted as if she couldn’t get away from me fast enough whenever we ran into each other. Those two were actually quite close throughout their lives. One brother hasn’t been seen by me other than at the funeral, though has been in sporadic touch with the other brother. The other brother is the only one of that family who speaks to me, but we’re not really close. We had a very abusive upbringing with our mother and I have come to believe that too much contact brings back too many memories at least for them.
I was different while growing up because I spent holidays and weekend with my grandparents, aunt and uncle and cousins. I likened it to going to heaven from hell several times a year. They didn’t get that and I’ve often wondered if that caused an early and unhealable rift. I’ve also engaged in a lot of healing work which they didn’t.
It broke my heart for a long time that there was this terrible shattering of my family, but I’ve come to be more philosophical about it. Interestiingly enough, my mother gave up three children for adoption and lost one to his father. One of the adopted kids who had the same father as me, found me about 33 years ago. I treasure my relationship with that sister. We talk on the phone, send emails, but don’t get to visit much as we live almost halfway across the country from one another.
And I know so much what you mean about reading about families. I like British authors and gobble up anything by Joanna Trollope and am now working on Rosie Thomas and Jojo Moyes. They are awesome at delving into the whole family thing.
THanks for the tip on Thomas and Moyes!