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4 years ago
So. I went online and posted my picture and everything. My profile says I am independent and smart and funny. All true,by the way. It also says I would like to have butterflies in my tummy again. Also true.
So. I have one guy who wants to be my protector, which I did not ask for...but it was tempting. Maybe I need a protector. That wouldn't be so bad. I can play the "I need a big, strong man" role.
The next guy....actually lots of guys have winked at me...but this guy emailed me amd told me I was a cut above the rest...whatever that means. He suggested I go online and listen to his original music. He wrote me some flowery stuff that I couldn't really understand even though I am an English major and have read lots of STUFF. WhenI went to his website, here was this attractive older man...posing with his shirt unbuttoned...all the way. Well, I reasoned with myself, I could probably like his music if I tried really hard to ignore the cliches and flowery, gooey love songs. I probably could get used to staying up past nine at night so I could go to the paces he performs. BUT, I am pretty sure I will never recover from the short unbuttoned poses. Some things just shouldn't happen.
But I was willing to try to talk myself into it.
Then I found this really appealing guy, and he emailed me a nice email that said he liked my profile picture. He plays tennis and raises horses. I have no tennis experience and I have SEEN horses before. But...before I knew it, I was looking up riding schools and tennis teachers.
Stop right there. Just stop, Vicky. This is what you always do. You always try to turn yourself into something you aren't just for the sake of attracting a man. You have done this, darling, ever since you learned in the 8th grade from the Wendy Ward School of Charm that you should be interested in what men do...and pursue that.
I am not ready to date because I am still, unfortunately, following the same irrational train of thought. I need more time to figure out me. The horse guy is really cute, and I think I would like him. But I doubt seriously he would give up tennis and horses for me, and until I am that comfortable with my choices in life, I just need to not date. Sad, but true.