“Hey, did you hear that?” I ask as I pound my husband in the arm. It’s the middle of the night, and he hasn’t heard a thing. He just wishes I’d quit hitting him.
“Huh? No. What? I’m right here,” he mumbles as he falls back to sleep.
I am overcome by a hot flash that starts in the bottom of my feet and spreads like wildfire during a dry summer. I fully expect my head to burst into flames.
I throw off the duvet with a flourish and thank God for the ceiling fan that runs all night, even during the coldest nights of winter.
During those winter months my poor husband sleeps in long sleeves and long pants and the occasional knit cap.
On this night I’m experiencing this weird anxiety that starts with the pounding of my heart, moves into a hot flash, and generally results with some weird visual and auditory hallucination.
I read my latest book until the pounding of my heart slows, and finally begin to doze off. Then I hear something wooden slam in the bedroom. Maybe the clothes hamper? The piggy bank on my dresser? I look toward our window and see some kind of shadow blocking the light.
“Hey, hey, HEY!” I say to my husband, punching him in the back. He jumps up, still half asleep, and runs to the bedroom door on his way to investigate.
“No, it’s in this room. Didn’t you see it? Didn’t you hear it?” I ask, sounding like a crazy woman. My husband looks confused and a little terrified that we will be sharing a bed for the rest of his life.
“No, um, no, what?” he mumbles, stumbling back into bed.
I Might Be Psycho
I recently read that menopausal women can develop psychokinesis – their energy actually causing things to fall and/or fly across the room. I read up on it and found out that it includes movement of inanimate objects. I’m trying to learn how to use it to pull a Diet Dr. Pepper from the counter and to the couch, but it hasn’t worked yet.
Psychokinesis can also include shape-shifting. I tried to shift into Marilyn Monroe’s shape, but it didn’t work. Instead, I just hear bangs and see dark shadows that look a lot like people.
So, in addition to the other physical benefits of menopause, I am apparently becoming the Menopausal Medium with the ability to slam hampers shut and knock things off my dresser and see people who have passed on.
Please be prepared for my upcoming television show. I will see dead people and then scream at them because they’re in my way and I’m hot and they’re too close and I’ve gained five pounds and they don’t even KNOW what it’s like to go through this.
At this point the light will appear, and I’ll complain that the light is making me hotter and they will all run towards the light as fast as they can to get away from me.
And we’ll all feel much better.
Yes, consult a lawyer, and ask the lawyer if its legal to have a keylogger installed onto your husbands computer to verify or not that he has porn on it. It might be useful when the divorce comes up...
Hey, we need all the ammunition we can get a
I know just what you mean, Flower Bear. I try to limit processed foods altogether but I really need a convenient way to control my calories at lunch and the frozen bags and boxes just work for me.
I will try the one you recommended. Thanks for sha
Consult a divorce attorney and have them calculate exactly what your position post divorce would be. If you are willing to accept a smaller home by forcing the sale of the existing one, would that work? Surely better to get him out of your hair. D
Thank you, Mimi. That's where I find my Mom now, too - in my heart. Her good advice is always there. It sounds like your Mom had words of wisdom that we all could use. Thanks again.
Very Funny!!
Do you think there are some people that would think you odd? If so they are not menopausal. I don’t think I ever move anything, but I take drugs to sleep so I’m not sure.
Yes, I went for humor at the risk of frightening people. The “O” likes kind of lets me know I might have kept this one to myself. Most of this stuff is just being in between awake and asleep and thinking that I hear stuff. I went for the humor. Oops. Thank you for the support
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There is only the humour to go for, otherwise it is just grim. My flashes were always like labour pains, same time, same length every day, and I had a toddler. Just repeat something like “God loves me, blesses me, and keep me/us safe.” I used that for five years while Daddy Dearest stalked us, dragged baby and me thru court. We came out fine. He came out unchanged, still narsasistic and no fun.