paralyzed by fear…

June 1, 2012 at 1:31 pm in Family & Relationships, Work & Money by WhoKnew?

I’ve been reading posts here for the past several months. Fear has kept me from posting. Fear has kept me from doing many things.

I’m 52 years old, have been married for 20 years, and have 2 daughters, ages 17 and 14. The marriage has not been a happy one, and I have wanted out for over 10 years.  It’s complicated, there’s plenty of blame to go around, and way too much water under the bridge. I don’t recognize the person I have become.

I stayed home to raise my daughters, went back to school and got my degree last year. I am currently employed part-time. I love my chosen field, but could not support myself on my current income. It has potential…but I am 52! That’s a short time horizon within which to make up for lost time.

My husband is 9 years younger than I. He has a very sketchy employment history, lots of layoffs and job changes. We lost our house in 2009. We’ve no savings, no assets. I feel vulnerable and afraid of what will happen to me if I file for divorce.

I am contemplating waiting one more year, until my oldest graduates from high school (there’s no choice, really, due to financial circumstances and my oldest daughter is working through some significant issues). I am desperately unhappy – no joy, no happiness in this marriage. I can’t envision living the rest of my life like this. But what if I become destitute and impoverished in my old age?

On the other hand…perhaps my job will take off (odds are good). Perhaps I will find peace and contentedness. Perhaps I will meet interesting new people?

Help! I am paralyzed by fear.

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