It’s amazing how your body tells you immediately it is not something you should do. And it did, I gagged and my friends laughed.
I didn’t try it again for a few weeks or months, but again I was with a group of kids that had mastered this smoking thing. I tried again and coughed and gagged. But, that didn’t stop me; I wanted to be like them. I thought they were cool.
Well, off and on for the last 40 years, I have quit for extended periods of time, five years was the longest. But, I would always pick them up again using one thing or another as an excuse. It was always a bit hard, because my husband is a heavy smoker. And I realized I didn’t like the smell of smoke when I wasn’t smoking, I hated being around him. Because now his smell was extremely unattractive, my attitude toward him changed and I could feel myself pulling away. So again I would pick up a cigarette, so the smell would not be so offensive again. Like I said though, that was an excuse.
I started smoking again over the past two years, not heavy. I don’t think I was ever a heavy smoker. But, my one a day became two, and recently has become three or four. I then knew I was going to have to quit. I talked to my doctor about it during my last physical a few weeks ago and she prescribed Wellbutrin. It’s funny as she began to tell me the benefits of the drug, the only thing I could think of were the side effects on the commercials. I shook my head no way, but I picked up the prescription anyway. What’s even funnier is that I haven’t even opened the bottle yet. I know it is an oxymoron. I will put the detestable chemicals from the cigarettes into my body, but I won’t ingest a prescription drug. I have never been attracted to drugs. They frighten me. But, nicotine is a drug I remind myself and then run for a cigarette.
Something I have recently realized though is that I am not addicted to cigarettes; I am addicted to the obsession of having a cigarette. Is there a difference? I believe there is. So I have decided to test my theory. I am likening myself to the Israelites who roamed the desert for forty years in order to arrive at their destination that was only 11 days away and I am putting myself to an 11 day test. My intention is not to have cigarette for the next 11 days by trying to obsess on writing instead of cigarettes. And the smell, well my husband and I might have to get used to avoiding each other if he smells. So, my goal is to write whenever the obsession for a cigarette hits me until the obsession subsides. Let’s see how many words I produce over the next 11 days. If you have any tips, I would love to read your words, too.