August 26, 2010 at 7:07 pm in Family & Relationships by orangesunshine
11 Comments »
Olivia52 said on August 26, 2010
Your not alone in this……….my daughter and I used to be very close but things have been getting worse over the past couple of years. Only time she spends time with me is if she wants something, money, babysitting, someone to listen to her bitch about one thing or another. I never thought I would say this but I don’t think I like her much anymore don’t get me wrong I still love her. I have found I tend to avoid her only to see my granddaughter I used to think it was her partners influence but lately have been rethinking this. Life is to short I am trying to ignore her bad behavior and concentrate on my own life.
Alma said on September 17, 2010
Just want to encourage you and to say that I love your name.
Iris58 said on August 27, 2010
It is hard on a Mother…I had some difficulty in that area too but realized that she was a busy girl…so I talked to her and told her I was feeling like that and maybe we could make a once a month dinner date to catch up…it works great..and we look forward to that every month and sometimes we do lunch on spur of the moment…try to do a side-by-side pedicure…or make her fav cookies etc. They need to know that Mom isn’t too far away…good luck!
Alma said on August 27, 2010
I could write you a book on this subject because I have four older daughters and if I tell you it has been hell with them it would be an understatement. I say four older because I have 5 total but one is only 14. I love them truly but if I could reverse giving birth to them I would. There is a country and western song that says, if I knew then what I know now when I was younger. I would not have any, I MEAN ANY children. They are selfish, self centered and all about their friends. But you keep praying and you let God handle the rest. From personal experience they will return just like the book of Job in the Bible says. My third oldest has done the most damage to me to call me with tears this morning thanking me for helping her find a job. She admitted that she was about to get evicted again. Now this girl, I don’t even know where to start but for her entire life has caused me nothing but grief. She had the gall to call my employer last year and tell him I was sendingi her threatening emails. When he asked her what was the nature of our relationship she told him I was her ex mother. Well time past and this past Mother’s day I made an effort to forgive her onec again. Slowly the bond is being mended. IT will always be in the back of my mind what she did but for the sake of having my daughters around I smile right through my pain.
It seems as though when one relationship heals with one a hole rips through with the other. Now my oldest is on her rag again. I have bent over backwards to help her but she thinks that her associates are the only ones that is perfect. You have never met such a hyprocrit until you met her. I helped her start so many different busiensses and helped her when she got evicted. Recently she lost her job and Mama was there. I helped her find employment and now she is pissed because she can’t take being told the truth about herself. Not going into that sotry. They don’t respect me as a mother, I feel more like an acquaintance of theirs but at any rate you are right they are there when they need you and after that you are the last peson they could care about. But you be nice to yourself. Treat yourself good and within yourself if you know you have been a good parent then you go ahead, take yourself out to dinner, have some ice cream, go to a movie, live your life and I bet you she (they) will come running back needing you. Llet lthem wonder where you are and what you are doing. It is up to you if you want to keep your arms and doors open.
She Cat said on August 28, 2010
I was estranged from my daughter for 6 years, her decision. I reached out to her a year ago, and we decided to get together again. Things were good in the beginning. We spent time together. I suggested that we do a once a month, mother/daughter outing. One month she would choose the destination, and the other I would choose. It could be a mall, a museum, a tourist town, whatever. It worked for a couple of months…..
At Christmas, I tried to make up for the 6 years that I was out of their lives, and I spent $4000 on the 4 of them. Birthdays and holidays I over spent too, trying to make up for lost time.
She had a car accident and this is where things really went down hill….Then her OLD behavior emerged…The verbally abusive, the emotionally detatched, the one that doesn’t take responsibility, the angry one, the one that points fingers…. 2 months later her and her husband went on vacation to a five star resort in the Virgin Islands and when leaving to come home, she flipped out. After 4 different plane flights, and 3 different airports with out of control behavior, she was finally detained by the State police and FBI…….
For the first time in my life, I walked away from the relationship with her. As awful as it may sound, a mother doing this, I felt that I needed to do this for me. I don’t need to be judged, my siblings do this enough…..
I suggest trying to explain to her how you feel and ask if there is some way to reslove this. If not, you may have to deal with it as it is.. It depends on how you feel, and what you want out of the relationship with her..
Alma said on September 1, 2010
A friend said to me, tell your daughters to let me off the hook. Realixzing that no one is perfect and we as parents do the best we can, if we make a mistake, let us off the hook. But you know what I come to learn the Book of Job is real. My daughter who cursed me out and called my job and told my boss that I was sending threatening emails to her is now eatting out of my hands. She was in need of a job and being the mother that I am I referred her to someone. She started to work this past Monday and she calls me at her lunch and her breaks to tell me how thankful and how grateful she is. Pray a prayer and leave it with God, he will work it out, I KNOW FOR A FACT. Everythinig that has been taken from me has been given back just like the Bible says. I had a snake take all of my things from me, new furniture, a business, etc. and now I have an abundance of things that when people come to visit they think I have lied to them. Oh no, it is no lie, God replaced it all.
Now if only these relationships with my children (daughters) could be consistent then I would truly be happy. But as I said before when one relationship heals another breaks down. I just keep going.
Gail L. said on September 3, 2010
Ladies, I also am estranged from my only child, a daughter. It has now been 12 years since we last spoke. One of you said, “I could write a book.” Me, too. In fact, that’s just what I did. I’m a professional writer and my first novel was released in mid-July. “Former Things” is the story of Emily Preston and her daughter, Nicole. The breakdown of their relationship happens over a family inheritance. Though the story does not echo my own, the feelings are the same. Though I know I do not stand alone in my heartache, my story is unique in that my daughter was born in Korea and my first husband and I adopted her when she was an infant. I believe she suffers from Reactive Attachment Disorder. I will always love her and pray that she heals her emotional wounds. Otherwise, I may never see her again. The book, if you’re interested, is on Barnes & Noble’s website or amazon.com. Gail Lowe
Wow, I wish I could get some guidance in writing my book. I have so many notes on paper but how do you pull it all together and how do you get it published. I feel that we share our life journey to help other women deal with the issues they too face or will face. This thing is nothing new but there is some woman out there that will blame herself and she will do something deterimental to herself because that son/daughter betrayed her. Let me tell you how many times I have bent over backwards to help my daughters, at least two of them, one more than the others and do I get any credit for it. Not that you do it for credit you do it out of the love you have for them. Oh by the way, I can’t count the times, I lost count because like I said I did it from my heart.
Recently the daughter that cursed me out last year and called my boss and tried to get me fired, she has never had a job and is now 27 years old. She is a very talented girl, braids hair like a champ, could have been a super model as well but she sat around on her butt and now she is too old and over weight. She depends on men to take care of her and when one thing end with one there is always another. I mean this girl has every piece of modern technoloy that has been invented. IPAD and we all know how much that cost. Well she is in between dudes now and the money has ran out so now that we are on speaking terms she says Mom I need a job. Because she is on the computer all day, and because I taught them well when they were growing up she has clerical skills. I referred her to and agency to find employment. Every day she calls to tell me, I was about to get evicted, thank you so much for telling me about his place, I have a really decent job now and it is a long term assignment. Well, well, for the mother who never does anything. I could not hold it back I had to ask her how do you feel knowing you tried to get me fired and now. You never burn a bridge that you may have to cross one day. Well they don’t like you telling them the truth so she is not speaking to me again. Guess what, I don’t care because I know you will need me again. I just miss my grandson and I worry about him.
The oldest daughter got fired from her job and who helped her find work. Thanks for asking, I did. Now she is mad at me and not speaking to me because I told her the truth about herself. Her son is estranged from her, she sent me a picture of a baby that she got from someone. I said the baby looked just like her, well come to find out it is her grandchild. Wow! Now this boy I named, saw to it that he had everything he needed but she did not tell him the truth and she did not teach him to love and show respect to me as his grandmother. Now there is a great-grandchild, my first, whom I may never get to see. This is painful but yet he has changed his last name to his father’s name and is always around them and they did nothing for him. My daughter said to me when she told me about the baby, I don’t know what I did as a mother but. But what you lied, you were not there for your children you always put yourself first and you left them with gay, drug addicted men and women for babysitters , she had the boys credit messed up by the time he turned 21 and now this is the outcome. The trouble with these adult children of ours they do not want you to tell them the truth. She has been a disturbed child all her life. I paid for ther to be a cheerleader and she got pregnant by the quarterback of the team. Wow. But one thing for sure they know how charm us to get back into their lives when they need us. And I ask myself will I be there again, and the answer is yes because I am that kind of person.
My second oldest, was fast behind boys at the age of 14 she ran away from home to keep from getting a whipping when I came home from work and found several kids at my house. I closed my door and went to sleep. You are a better woman than me when you can find someplace to live at 14. The thing of it is other women will let your children lay up at their houses. When she got pregnant who did she find, who did she call, Me and I was lving in California. Yep I left the state because I was not going to run up and down the streets looking for them. I had already been hiding in bushes and everything else trying to protect them. The daddy was in prison, me and my friends saw to it that she had everything she needed but when it came time for me to need her, she put me out of her house. Now she had been with women and everything else. Gave me a car that I paid 320 something dollars for ten months on and stole it back because I would not go along withi an insurance scam of hers, I took her to court and the gay broads helped her to lie in court. Oh I could write a book about adult daughters. I still forgive them because I love them and I want a relationship with my daughters but man is it worth the hurt. They are like boomarangs they come and they go. I have another that was a perfect child until we moved back to Texas. She did her dirt for a little while, had me arrested saying that I beat her. I have a bruise on my elbos where I fell one night because at 15 she came home at 3 in the morning and I chased after her and fell. She was gone for 8 years and some guy beat her up and she came back home. She is back and has asked me forgiveness and she tells me Mama stop worrying yourself about your grown children, you did your part as a mother for all of us and if they feel it was not good enough you and God no better. It is not your worry if they get evicted, if they can’t pay their utilitty bill, if they don’t have a job. Are they concerned about you in that way. Hell to the no they are not, so you live for you now. They are selfish, self serving, and self centered when it comes to you as a mother. Oh they will drive miles for their friends, they will take shit off a man and be right back in the sack with him but with you as their mother they blame you for the mistakes they make.
To each of you oand myself, honey child hold your head up because there is a God who sits high and looks low and within yourself if you know without a doubt you have done your very best then let them have their little pity party because they will certainly need you again. And believe me, evident by the post of other women that we are not in this alone. Cheers!
Joanne Walsh said on January 8, 2011
I have one daughter and now that she is getting older and making something out of herself, she simply feels she is too good for me. She has been a child of fortune and come from a couple who has given and is still giving her every opportunity. She is succeeding in college and going to be an actuary. I never had the opportunities she has but she acts as though it is all owed to her. How can it be that we instilled those values in her and encouraged that type of behavior, but we have done that because children don’t simply turn out that way for no reason. I blame myself I guess, but I cannot for the life of me figure out where things went wrong. If a holiday comes up, we can barely be around each other more than 2 or 3 days before she can’t wait to be away with her friends again. I feel so much pressure to make the holidays a happy time, but it always seems like I am trying in vain because it’s never appreciated. I am getting to where I am almost over it. When she says she does not want to spend any time with us after not seeing us for months, I am almost glad now. She’s turning into a selfish person who I don’t even want to be around. I really wish I could adopt another child or be a special person in a child’s life. I have given everything to raise this child almost by myself since my husband was always away traveling and it seems there are no rewards in sight. Oh well, life is not always fair and I hope if things continue like this some type of Karma will come into play at some point years from now after I am gone from this world. But I am always hopeful that things will change. What is really strange is that I have an amazing relationship with my own aging mother and my daughter has a great model to follow. I guess I will try to spend as much time with my mother as I can because she is not going to be around forever. That will have to fill the void I feel as my daughter pushes me further and further away. I am not a person who believes in God but I do believe in respecting ones elders. There are certain family values that I have always been very strong on. It just makes sense for families to stick together and have each others backs, but I cannot say that’s happening with my daughter. I hope her friends are people she can count on in life because one day she may find me so distant and estranged by her own doing that it will be hard to mend the distance she is creating.
Alma said on January 11, 2011
It is a new year now and I am wondering how you are doing. Praying that all is well with you. You know on the subject of our daughters it is a day to day struggle. One day things are good and out of the blue they are on the rocks again. I have 4 older daughters and 3 of them just keeps me in tears. I console myself by telling myself I am not the only one.
My oldest daughter got mad at me a few months ago because I told her what was right. She stopped contacting me and the week before Christmas she sent me an email to tell me that she missed the laughter. Of course my being me I was so quick to forgive and move forward. She went on to tell me about her culinary classes she had started and how well things were going. I was so excited for her. She sent pictures of her work, etc. Immediately I started sending out emails to co-worker, etc. to do my part in spreading the word. SHe then told me that her vehicle had broken down and she had deliveries for Christmas and she wanted to go to Dallas, Texas to see her new grandbaby. She went and tried to rent a vehicle, her credit was too bad that she could not. Well as a mother what did I do. I rented a car for her. Now where was all her friends? hmmmm She went to Dallas she and her younger son but do you think she had any of them to call me on Christmas to wish me a merry christmas. What added insult to my pain was that she came over to my sisters christmas eve and had baked about a half dozen cupcakes. She had this one shaped like a turkey for me. When I asked why only one, she said because it takes 30 minutes to make them. Well it took me far more than 30 minutes to stop what I was doing, make a u-turn and come to her rescue. Do you think she called me to see if I died and did not make it to the New Year. Oh but when I got to work that Monday she had sent me an email to tell me about an upcoming event for her to make the folks a cake. You would think while she is baking cakes she would pour some batter in a pan and bake her mother a cake. Hell no!
The 3rd oldest had me to believe up until Christmas eve night that she had gotten me this perfume that I absolutely love. I mean emails about it and all. I even talked to her that night and she assured me that she had it. Did not hear from her Christmas day. When I unfriended her on facebook she sent me a message, oh it is like that uhhh. The argument began. She said some pretty cruel things to me about gossip she heard from her dead beat father and his mammie who did absolutely nothing for her.
I have written them out of my life once again. Will I stick to it? Probably not because as mothers we are quick to forgive our children. They are selfish and self-centered. We patch up our bruises and we move on in the name of Jesus.
I was in the grocery store and this lady and I began to talk she shared with me about her 20 year old son who she gave her life to and he did not think enough of her to not only call her to wish her a happy new year but he ignored her birthday.
My birthday is in two weeks, I expect nothing from them. They are selfish and self-centered.
Wishing you the best and together we all will get beyond this pain.
I share your pain regarding your daughter but on another note I sure wish you would share with me your knowledge on how to get your book published. I need to do this for my own healing. Thank you
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