I am being “disowned”… What do I do now?

October 26, 2009 at 9:01 pm in Family & Relationships by Grammy

You know how they say hindsight makes things clearer?  Well, I am FINALLY reflecting on my life, and trying to figure out how I got where I am today and what could have possibly caused what just happened.

One of my children just told me that she wants nothing more to do with me… that she wants me out of her life – no contact… don’t call, and don’t try to see my grandson.  WOW… I am stunned!  The anger, the accusations, has me bewildered and confused.

I should have seen this coming… she’s been friendly, then distant and cold, rude and disrespectful, and back to friendly.  Please don’t think I am some “pushy” mother who meddled… I am not.  As a child, I was told repeatedly “if I need you, I’ll call you”.  And I learned to play that part well.  Evidently TOO well… I was giving even when I didn’t have it to give… I went into debt to be able to give.  I gave to avoid conflict (hate confrontation)!   I gave into my husband’s demands; and, am still in a 40 year relationship that is void of intimacy (intimacy doesn’t just take place in the bedroom.

Intimacy is the bond, tenderness and closeness a couple has for one another inside and outside of the four bedroom walls).  We are only together because finances (and our ages and health) make it the easier solution.  After all these years, we are struggling to find friendship.  For the first time in our lives, he is making an honest attempt to “listen” to my feelings – as I struggle to find them myself.  Yeah… what a light bulb when you realize that you don’t have a clue what YOU like… and you realize that you’ve completely lost YOU somewhere… sometime… can’t remember when or how!

The only thing that is making sense to me is that the daughter (one of 4 daughters – two live locally) who blew up at me is just recently divorced.  She was in an abusive relationship with a very controlling husband that really messed with her mind.  Am I making excuses for her, or off base thinking that her anger with me is simply misplaced?  That what she said to me is really what she’d like to say to her ex, but can’t, or won’t because of how it might affect her son?  (They have shared parenting).

Any input would be greatly appreciated now… my head is swimming trying to find answers.  I really need some views outside this family.  My husband wants to just ignore this – that’s how he handles things.  Pretend they’re not there and they will eventually go away.  Besides, he’s not shut out – only me!  And the angry daughter is influencing her sister negatively towards me also.  (Siblings tend to bond against parents naturally – yes?  no?)

Thanks to anyone who can shed some light… I am ready to listen and learn from my mistakes.           

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