October 8, 2009 at 3:13 am in Family & Relationships, Love & Sex by maddy
21 Comments »
Fictiongirl said on October 8, 2009
I think the key to getting over it is to build your female friendships and relationships with your family, grandkids etc. i know one person going through a similar experience and she views the divorce as a death.She grieved it and then moved on by accepting that there was no going back. it seems the lenght of time it will take to get over it is directly proportional to the efforts you place on building friends and interests. There are alot of people out their looking to meet friends at this stage of our lives. good luck to you
KayeT said on October 8, 2009
Hi Maddy… if it helps, know you’re not alone. I was married 21 years before we divorced, and if it weren’t for my adult kids and grandkids I’m not sure where I’d be. Since our divorce in 2001, I’ve achieved my bachelor’s degree at the local college while working full time and raising a 16 year old.
I can’t tell you how long it takes to get ‘over’ the issues that weigh heavy on you right now, but I can tell you to invest in life through friends and family, and give yourself time to grieve the end of your relationship, but keep moving forward to better and positive things.
I embrace your courage, and encourage you to get involved in anything that will boost your self-confidence and nurture the healing process.
KLE said on October 8, 2009
My thoughts are with you! I was with my exhusband 15 years and apart for 2 1/2 now (divorced). He is remarried and I still dream about him at night. I have wonderful girlfriends and spend a lot of time with my grandchildren. I have also attended a coping support group. As the other ladies have mentioned, the time varies for each person but for me it seems like forever……..Best wishes to you, will try to follow your post.
Fowens said on October 8, 2009
I agree that the time it take depends on the amount of effort you put into it. It took me longer than because looking back, I wanted to rehash memories. I found people I could trust and learn to listen instead of wanting to vent my anger and frustration. Journaling was a great help. When I looked back a year later it make me realize how much I have grown.
crystalli said on October 8, 2009
The ego is very strong and makes us want to habitually rehash and keep on rehashing. And like any habit, it grows stronger every time we feed it. After having said everything that needed to be said to the right people, it’s best to write it down, like your journal, and then try really hard to occupy your mind with other healthful activities. It rests and rejuvenates the mind, and keeps negative thoughts from taking over the mind like weeds in an untended garden.
charity said on October 14, 2009
I agree, I have rehashed things over and over even though I knew it wasn’t healthy. It is a terribly hard habit to break and I still work on it 10 years later! Like your analogy about the garden as someone once told me my mind worked like a fertile garden and what I heard would take root whether it was true or not or healthy or not. It’s an ongoing struggle.
chattinchaplain said on October 8, 2009
I don’t think we ever ‘get over it’. I do know there is healing and that gradually the pain isn’t as bad. Give yourself some time. Taking good care of yourself is important — do the things that you enjoy. Realize that life goes on and the the many years you spent together are woven into your history. Rejoice in your life, have fun, and know that one day you will wake up and not think about him at all.
Donna101 said on October 8, 2009
This is really hard Maddy…often depends on what caused the divorce…but if you take care of yourself and realize it is his loss then you will get there.
Keep busy with those you love and do the things you love to do! Keep reaching out like you did here…
We women are much stronger then we think we are!!
57Chevy said on October 9, 2009
You won’t “get over” it…you’ll get through it. It’s a muddy river with no bridge; you have to go through it, and it’s wet and messy and ugly and bogs you down and you fight like the devil and cry a lot and you get stuck while you wade through it. Then, on the other side, you slowly begin the work of cleaning it off of yourself, and each time you think you’re done, you find some embedded “mud” in some little crevice…and you remember all over again, and cry, and clean that, too.
Divorced one year ago after a 28-year marriage. Just yesterday I saw in a catalog an extension hose for a vacuum cleaner, to clean the tops of stairs. He got the house we owned for 11 years, with the beautiful curved staircase, and I burst into tears knowing that I’d never clean those stairs again. That leveled me for the rest of the day, I thought of everything else that I’d never again do in that house; little realizations like that can be stunning.
Divorce IS indeed like a death, but we’re all still here. Honor the memory, and cry your heart out whenever you need to. Time will pass, and it WILL be different. I’m not at “easier” yet, but it is definitely different, and only a bit more bearable. I am of the belief that time, in and of itself, heals nothing. One must do the hard work of GRIEVING OVER TIME in order for any kind of healing to take place. It hurts like a bitch to cry that hard. If feelings are ignored or buried, they WILL manifest themselves at some point, and it’s better to honor them when they need to be discharged. I’m following your post, as well. I wish you the best.
Butter said on October 13, 2009
I can relate so well to what you are or was going through. Divorce is death and I actually had to experience the real dying part of my ex. We all need to come together and cry, laugh, cry again and shout for sanity, life and daily blessings. I enjoyed reading your story. And….it is wonderful when the children understand and they are sooooooo supportive. Let’s be supportive of one another. I am new to this website, and after having a very BAD day today of staying in the bed and sleeping, for whatever reason, this website just showed up! Thanks for being there for ‘us’.
57Chevy said on October 20, 2009
That’s happening to me a lot lately as well…a lot of sleeping. It IS a sign of depression in general and specifically on my part, and that’s fine. I’ve been seeing a clinical psychologist for over 3 years now and I know my signs and triggers, and while I understand it, I don’t like it. I get angry at myself for feeling like that, but I know that all I need is a solid night’s sleep. Remember those? I’m fairly new here, as well. It’s great to find kindred sisterly spirits, and laughter has always been critical to my survival.
I bought some hot pink cocktail napkins at Stein Mart last night:
“I’m still hot – it just comes in flashes now.”
crystalli said on October 14, 2009
There is a saying “Time heals all wounds” that I used to believe, but you’re right, it doesn’t. It is the work that is done over time that heals. Do the wrong kind of work, such as obsessing, and, in time, you end up worse.
I prefer: “Time wounds all heels.” Apply that to whomever you like. I have my list. It has one name on it.
crystalli said on October 27, 2009
I was married for 30+ yrs., separated & then divorced because my high school sweetheart kept stalking me. I am still trying to get over everything because he passed away 2 yrs. after the divorce. I think leaving the area where the two of you intertwine, must be done. Too many memories and love may still prevail in the both of you subconsciously. Timing is everything and getting over a marriage is difficult enough when the two of you are facing one another in court. Make sure that you are doing the right thing. All the best.
maddy said on October 14, 2009
Thanks Butter for your response. I would not want to leave this area and my home because I have 3 beautiul and supportive daughters who are grown. Two are married and live each only about 15 minutes away from me each. Along with my 4 grandchildren. My other grown daughter who is 28 lives with me now again. We share expenses of the utilities of the house. She is single and never married yet. She has a very good job as an RN at Mayo. We work different schedules and are like roomates and best friends,along with being a wonderful daughter too. So I am truly blessed. We did have a strong family tie before my soon to be ex left for a coworker. I have days o f experiencing happiness now, But so much want to feel normal and content again. My husband leaving was a total shock too. He spends all his time off with his coworker he left me for. I wonder if he will be happy with her forever. Who knows. Does anyone know? His coworker left her husband the same week she found him a place by her. Since then he was basically fired from his job, and now lives above a bar an hour away from her, but spends all his off tlme with only her. Pretty much walked out of our family life and into only a strange womans life. He must be happy because he filed for divorce too about a year later. No explanation why. Incidentally he lies to our daughters and still wont acknowledge him having a girlfriend eventhough we all know . IS he actually embarassed with this sinful relationship with her and knows in his soul It is Wrong. But he isnt willing to give her up. We are still waiting for our divorce to be final. I just want to be fully happy and content again. Thanks for letting me ramble. Madddy
Butter said on October 19, 2009
Enjoy your beautiful children and grandchildren. I feel when husbands leave for the ‘other’ woman, those relationships do not last. Committing adultery is exciting, adventourous and sinful during those moments, but when life w/the other is on a daily basis, I think the man will then realize the mistake. Then again there are those who have just absolutely lost their minds! Whatever he decides to do woth his life, just continue to be faithful to yourself, love yourself and know that you have not done anything wrong. Even when you happen to run into him, if you choose to, say hello, but “keep it movin”. “New Beginnings” is my theme, you will find yours as well. All the best!
mamatoto said on October 13, 2009
I do not know. I myself now have gone through 5 years of separation and 1 year of divorce. I have tried “letting go” and “moving on”, but I still find my thoughts going back to anger, resentment, hurt. Next week, I visit a hypnotherapist for the first time. I’ll let you know how it goes!
I was certified as a grief counselor in the fall of 2006. By no means an expert, I do feel that you’re cycling through the basic stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. While this is the usual order, THEY ARE NOT COMPLETELY LINEAR; one does not experience one of them, and then move on to the next, then the next, and then you reach the last one, and that’s the end of it. It’s common to revisit denial and/or anger, or the others, just when you think you’re finally okay.
My divorce was relatively quick – I filed in January of ’08 and it was final on 9/11/08 (yes, I know), so there was no long separation. When I had told him that I wanted a separation, in the presence of my therapist the previous November, he said, “If we separate, I’ll kill myself.” That was not the first time he’d threatened that. I filed anyway.
On the advice of my attorney, I lived in the house during the “separation,” because in his experience he said it yielded a speedier result. It was hell. 2 MONTHS into it, my then-husband said, “I want you out of here. I hate seeing your car in the driveway. I need to move on and heal.” Move on, and heal?!? I’M STILL HERE. But, that was always his way, always…not deal with anything that was the least bit unpleasant (read: ME), never talk about it, forget it, stuff it away, pay no attention, “Don’t worry about it, don’t worry about it, don’t worry about it.” That was our life.
I rambled a bit here, but my point is this: I don’t think that one can choose to simply let go or move on without having dealt with all the stuff that one is still stuck in. BE angry. BE resentful; hurt strongly. I can’t imagine being separated for that long without time sort of grinding to a halt…you’re married, but not; and after all that time finally divorced…but one year is NOT a long time. You’re still raw.
I’m interested in hearing about your experience with the hypnotherapist.
Phyllis Kuhn said on December 17, 2010
My husband and I have been married for 20 years. At the end of August, he just quit talking to me and giving me the cold shoulder. He told me that he didn’t love me anymore and that there was water under the bridge. We would argue about things but who doesn’t. He started going out every Friday night and when he would come home would call this girl. I asked him why he had to call her when he got home and he said she knew I was drinking and just wanted to make sure that I got home. Now its every night that he doesn’t come home till 1030 or 1100 and on the weekends he doesn’t come home at all. He says that him and this girl are just “talking” I have seen him kiss her. he has totally shut me out of his life. I can go by her house and he is there. I am very hurt and don’t know if I will ever get over this. I really hate him for the way he is treating me. I don’t believe that I deserve to be treated this way.
Alicia said on April 19, 2013
Phyllis: The question is….what (if anything) do you want to do about this cheater? We teach people how to treat us and you are “telling” him that this behavior is acceptable.
Perhaps consider counseling….that would be a good stat (for yourself)
I was married for 31 years (abuse); after 9 ;years of being alone, I am still angry! I feel my feelings, feel my fear an do it anyway…..live life to the fullest that I can……I won a scholarship because of what I wrote about my life and am a sophomore at 66!
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