November 10, 2009 at 1:00 pm in Family & Relationships by April18
19 Comments »
Trixie said on November 10, 2009
Certainly depends on you, and who/what it was that you lost.
Suesee50 said on November 10, 2009
I don’t think you ever stop grieving, exactly. I think you learn to live with the grieving. Not be consumed by it. If you are grieving obviously you have lost something very precious or important to you. I lost my father almost 7 years ago and for a long time each day was filled with grief and I would cry daily over that loss and I would also rejoice in my memories, but I would still cry over my loss. Now, I still miss my father very much, but the grief is more in the background and the memories are more in the foreground. Let the joy push ahead at its own pace.
We all grieve over failures, losses and disappointments. Take the grief for what it is, you have to get through it. It’s a process. Joyful things will soon replace the grief and it won’t be so painful.
zblair said on November 10, 2009
I think we do stop grieving at a certain level when we reach acceptance that the deceased has passed. When we can become okay with the fact that life and death are part of a cycle. At least that is how it has been for me. when I reached that acceptance, my own healing over my loss had taken place.
How did I know? When I was able to recall heartfelt memories without sobbing or feeling very sad for extended periods of time. My heart was full of love for that person and not feeling broken. It does take time.
Grandma Len said on November 11, 2009
Stop grieving? Not really, Just eventually accept the loss and remember the good times. I lost my husband of many years about 3 years ago after a long, slow-progressing illness. I still miss him and what we had togetherr but feel comfort in the knowledge that the pain of the illness is over for him and the heartache of seeing him in pain is over for me.
Now for another side of this question. Last year I met a man who had lost his wife (I’ll keep that story for another post) and we felt an immediate attraction and need for one another. We were married last December and are having a wonderful time growing older together. Marriage means something different at this age – it’s not a “have kids, raise a family, career path” kind of relationship but rather one in which we enjoy the comfort of having you enjoy being with and do things with.
liz said on November 13, 2009
I’m not sure how to answer that question. It probably depends on the person and the degree of loss or the closeness you had with the person who passed away. I lost my husband almost five years ago and I still cry. I hear a song or see a video or a movie or even see a couple together in a store and I cry. Some days I still feel such a sense of loss. Other days I am fine. I talk to him like he’s still in the bed with me and tell him to “get over here and hug me.” We used to tease each other like that. I put his pillow up against my back now and pretend it’s him. I have never lived alone before so I’m thinking I try to hold on to him so I will have a sense of belonging. He died on Feb 13th, the day before Valentine’s Day, and I still try not to look at all that stuff when I go to the stores. I just hate it. That’s also the same day that my previous husband shot himself. So…holidays I’m not so crazy about anymore…and Valentine’s either.
I’ve already been thinking about putting up a Christmas tree, but I’d probably just end up putting it back up before Christmas even gets here like I did last year. I think I want to feel what the holidays can bring, but I just can’t put myself into it. My husband always loved Christmas, but who cares if he’s not here anymore?
Well, I didn’t really mean to sound so morbid about it all. But this is obviously one of those days I’m feeling the loss and grieving.
Sammysmom said on November 15, 2009
I did this and I felt so good after I did. I went toa grocery store and picked out one person who I could judge was on a budget by the way theywhere shopping. I got in line after them . Then I asked them to do me a a fovor let me pay for thier grocerys inhonor of someone I loved. I will never know that person I wasnt doing it for them I was doing it for my loved one.Put up your tree in honor of him buy something new for it and share it with him. If your by yourself talk to him by Gods grace he will know how much you loved him to keep it going.
Sensational_50+ said on November 13, 2009
A good friend who lost his daughter, once told me, that people that loose a dear one, do not want to stop grieving, because this is the way they retain them near their heart. What happens is that the pain of the loss remains there, but you learn to live with it. You learn to smile and enjoy other aspects of life, but the grief will always be there, just that in the background.
Daring-Daria said on November 15, 2009
We lost our wonderful son, Ian, two and a half years ago, suddenly in a road accident, just shy of his 19th birthday. Having gone far away to attend college he had just returned to live back at home while working at his dream job and saving for his own home. He was a truly remarkable young man who worked hard, loved deeply and played joyfully in life. Will I ever stop grieving…….never! How could I? He was our only son and a brilliant light in the lives of all who new him. But as time passes and I slowly heal, I grieve in a different way. Though Ian would expect me to be crushed by losing him, I now try my best to live every day, as he would want and expect me to; with love and support for my family, joy of fun and laughter and in pursuit of new friendships and experiences, just as he did. I will never stop missing him or crying on his brthday, on Mother’s Day and the anniversary of his untimely death, but otherwise I work hard at celebrating his remarkable life by remembering all the wonderful things he brought to all of us who knew and adored him. He continues to inspire his young and older friends alike and now I love to recall and tell fond and funny stories from our time together. When I feel my heart sinking, I see him smile and I hear his voice as he said when we were ascending a beautiful river canyon one family, summer holiday against all my fearful instincts, ‘You can do it Mom, I’m right here with you!’ And so….. I will never stop grieving, but my dear, sweet, funny son will always be ‘right here with me’ as my inspiration to live evry day to the fullest.
liz said on November 15, 2009
Sensational_50+ said on November 19, 2009
Your story is a great example of what my dear friend told me. Parents do not want to stop grieving for their children, they just want to accept what happen and learn to go on with life. God bless you and all those parents that lost their children.
I lost my son father and mother. Take one day at a time.It getts less and less each day. Memories are great no regrets.Someday I will be with them but not to soon I have so much do here and they would want me to do it. I share everymoment of my happiness with them in a private way. If I cook a receipe I know my mother would have loved. Done something for someone else. When my mother pasted I took all her cotton clothing and made a quilt. It is funny when I finissh the quilt my cring stopped . My gransdson love s the quilt. He dosnt remember her but to me it is like he is giving her hug everytime he grabbs it up to snuggle on the sofa .
Beach angel said on November 15, 2009
I lost my husband 6 years ago..he was 48. My mother also died 2 years earlier at 68. Life has not been the same. I will miss them always…I stay busy..and try to help someone when I can.
It is so hard,,,but we have to go on..and just know one day we will meet up again.
Daring-Daria said on November 25, 2009
Sammysmom, Your ability to carry on in such a positive way having lost your son and both parents is remarkable. We lost our son within 2 years of both my parents being diagnosed with and having cancer surgery. We are fortunate that they both have survived only to deal with the blow of losing thier loving grandson a short time later, our Ian. That you have made a quilt out of your mother’s cotton clothing is wonderful and that your grandson snuggles up in it, endearing. I am making pillow covers out of some of Ian’s T-shirts from around the world so we can decorate and snuggle with them in all rooms of our home. He will be ever present and comforting us all! Thank you for sharing and please share other stories of triumph over grief.
April18 said on November 16, 2009
My dear friend shared this saying with me this past weekend – and I think although the words are simple – I found it very profound – and it describes how to grieve in a healthy way.
” IT IS O.K. TO LOOK BACK TO THE PAST – JUST DON’T STARE”
Sammysmom said on November 16, 2009
That is wonderful
liz said on November 16, 2009
You’re right. That’s a great response. Very wise.
One of the reasons this spoke to me – was – when you stare – you begin to loose focus on the other things that surround that item you are staring at. So if I keep looking back on losing my husband and began to stare at that single event – I will not see all the wonderful other things that we had together – and if you keep staring backwards – how can you ever look forwards.
Daring-Daria said on November 23, 2009
Some words and thoughts to consider…….. What is the best way to come to terms with the loss of a loved one? ……By knowing that when we truly love, it is never lost. It is only after death that the depth of the bond is truly felt, and our loved one becomes more a part of us than was possible in life. Are we only able to feel this toward those we have known a long time? …..Sometimes a stranger, known to us only briefly, can spark our souls to eternity! For me this loved one; friend; aquaintance was my son, Ian. He shines on brilliantly in all of us who knew and loved him deeply!
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