November 24, 2009 at 6:36 pm in Family & Relationships, Love & Sex by annabraun
I am 51. Anymore getting divorce at this age? I was married for 29 years.
32 Comments »
Lawezzy said on November 18, 2009
I will, or should I say would have been married for 30 years this coming June. I have been with my husband for 36 years and now he has found a 24 year old girl, who he want to marry. He want a quick divorce. I just can’t believe it, and he doesn’t understand why I’m upset.
Debra A. Chappell said on November 20, 2009
After being married for 33 years I was also left for a 38 year old woman with a 3 yr. old child (not his). Our divorce was finalized after 1-1/2 yrs. being separated. I can’t believe this either. My house is up for sale, he can’t wait to get his half of the proceeds. Why can’t I get over him? I really want to wake up and not be in love with him anymore. Do you feel this way? All this sounds too familiar. My ex-husband (sounds funny) told his sister that he didn’t realize how much he hurt me. I think he finally realized that he devestated me. After almost 2 years I still can’t go on. Why?? I feel stupid. I want to move on, but… my heart won’t let me.
Lawezzy said on November 20, 2009
It is all we know. I will be 51 in May and I have been with him since I was 15. He is all I know. We planned our future, waited to have children. We were married 11 year before we had them. I really didn’t want kids, but he talked me into it. I am so glad that I did, they are my everything. He barely talks to them now. The funny, really not so funny, thing is, that we never faught. We did everything as a family together and one day like a light switch he turn off his family. I don’t know who I am, it has always been us. My kids are almost 18 and their father is dating and plans to marry a girl who can be their sister. He doesn’t live at home now, but he has not taken any of his things. He stops by, come in does this and that, says nothing to us and leaves. I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
mamadaze said on November 24, 2009
Funny how the stories all sound similar.. I too was married for 26 years, came home from a meeting to find my husband had cleaned out his clothes closets and left our 18 year old daughter there to deal with my emotions. But not for another woman but because he wasn’t sure of his feelings for me.. Please DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO DROP IN WHEN HE FEELS LIKE IT.. and ask him to remove his belongings ,, only personal.. I hope you have a good lawyer.Make sure he is supporting you and your kids financially ( food mortgage etc).. If not, he needs to be.
Ask him to let you know when he is coming and you be out.. too hard on your emotions when they think they can come and go whenver he feels like it.. this also is not fair to your children. Try to get some professional councelling for both you and the kids,, they too are going through turmoil. Be strong Girlfriend,you will be fine.. trust those of us who have gone before you.
SIZZELN said on November 20, 2009
You are NOT stupid, you ARE HURT!!! You invested love, time,youth, money, and skills. I’m sorry for your plight. Now i do not know what is going to help you get on with it, however, since both of us are not 20s, 30s, or 40s in age, time waits on no one. Find someone to talk this out with. I have been divorce twice, and after training up my daughter, i am dating again. Didn’t want any males roaming thought my house with her so young there. I am 60 years old, look good and take good care of myself. No i am not size 6 or 10 but size 20 and 6 ft tall. Dating a younger man with education, job,wit and charm. You can too. Start thinking about what you want for yourself. Good luck.
Thank you so much for responding. I still don’t know what I want. I do know that I really, really don’t my house to sell. I still feel very unsafe, lonely and scared about everything. I do wish I could wake up and not care. I know my house is a material thing, but I’ve been here for 31 years. Raised 3 children and have 4-1/2 grandchildren. So much stuff and so many memories. That is going to bother me more I think than my husband leaving. I do feel wrong because I would take him back and I know it’s not the right thing to do. Thank you again for listening and the good advice. Stay in touch!
Lawezzy said on November 21, 2009
I feel the same, unsafe and lonely. The weird thing is I feel so lonely but yet I don’t want to be with anybody. Everyone keeps asking me to join them and I keep turning them down. Yet, when I’m alone, I’m sad. I have never felt not safe before. I have always taken care of everything, what is the unsafe. Were did the come from? Why do we let these men have the power over us? It seem like they don’t have a problem forget us. I too wish I would wake up and this was just a dream. And yes, I probably if he came back I would let him. What is wrong with us?
Debra A. Chappell said on November 24, 2009
The unsafe is like the unknow. I don’t know why we want them. Maybe because we felt secure with them for so long. It’s just really sad that one human being can make another feel so bad.
Celeste Nelson said on November 23, 2009
i feel the same. total change of charactr over the las two years, just says he doesnt love me and couldnt live up to my expectations. i idnt kow i had any.
Ross said on February 23, 2010
I ‘m in the same situation. I turned to family and friends. Got a membership to health club and started a reading group and turn to my art. I have tried to find a job, but no one want an old art teacher lol…At 61 I’m trying to regain a feeling of independence. I which I could turn off my love for him, but it’s complicated with history together two lovely kids and one granddaughter…how do you move away from all of that? I look around the house and all the stuff carries years of memories. I thinking of joining the Peace Core…oddly enough the core takes old women. I’m not going to rush into anything but this fantasy relationship with this younger women who by the way is married – and her husband is clueless..It makes me sick that my husband has sunk this low to have a relastionship with this type of person of no integrity. I’ve set a lime line for it to end by summer. That’s when my understanding and patience will be used up. I look in the mirror in the mornings and say I’m not dead yet. Be strong.
Lawezzy said on March 1, 2010
I am a very independent person, yet I am scared to be independent. I have 37 years together with him and only him. I too look around every morning and see only great memories. When a song comes on the radio, I link it too something in our past. This is very hard. This stress has caused health issues on me. I have just had major surgery and still need one more. This has put our seperation on hold. No he is not back, but the process is on hold. I have returned to work and this is hard. Not seeing him for two weeks was great. Now I have to see him everyday. My friends and family try so hard to get me going. I know what they say is right, that I will be happier when all this is over, but doing it is so hard. I don’t want to hate my husband, but he too has sunk so very low. Thanks for letting me vent, it helps when someone really understands. I too am not dead yet, so they say.
palmetto said on November 18, 2009
i was married for 20 yrs and am now single going on second year and am 56. it is very daunting for me, lots of changes etc. turn to any friends and support you can find. even here. you are not alone.
After being married for 33 years and knowing this man since I was 12 this has been very devestating for me. My divorce was finaly about 2-1/2 weeks ago after 1-1/2 yrs. of separation while he was living with his 38 years old girlfriend (my sons age) and her 3 yr. old child (not his). My house is up for sale. That is really gonna do me in when I have to move after 31 yrs. of living here. I don’t know what to do. I wake up every morning wanting to be over him. How do I do that. My heart still aches so bad. What do I do?
Jaidie said on November 19, 2009
I am a 58 year old lady who after being married for 37 years is going through the divorce process. It is very painful and at times overwhelming. We will get through it and one day maybe understand it but right now the important thing is to take care of yourself. Allow yourself the time you need to heal.
I am 57 and getting a divorce after 33 years of marriage and knowing this man since I was 12 years old. Of course it was for a much, much younger woman. If someone had told me they’d give me 3 million dollars to let me know that he was cheating I wouldn’t have taken the money. Our divorce was final about 2 weeks ago. My house is up for sale. I’m really sad about that. I have 3 children and 4-1/2 grandchildren. I’ve been really devestated about this entire situation. We were separated 1-1/2 yrs. I need to get over him but just can’t. I need to know what to do. I’m on disability so I’m on a fixed income. I need to know what I should do. I think he is off and on with this 38 year old woman who has a child 3-1/2 yrs. old (not his). I wish I could wake up and not want him anymore. Any suggestions. Everyone just says “Get over him”, until they walk in our shoes they won’t know how it feels. Do you have any suggestions?
pg58 said on November 20, 2009
I am about your age-58. I posted a few weeks ago what my husband had planned. he met someone much younger. She is 39 he is 60. A big emotional affair. This was on and off with him. I just didn’t know how serious it was. She has 3 small children uy her former husband. She has abused drugs, and has CPS looking at her for a while. My husband always defended her as such a good mother and that everyone was out to get her. He planned to move in October with her and the children. Got a new place and the day of the big event he called and said he had “made a big mistake”. I was outraged!!! I had gone through all the greiving process and felt as you that I just could not get over him. Now he is back and I am still outraged and I do not know how long I can take it. He is SOOO nice and wants to work evrything out but I am not feeling it. Please, let yourself have plenty of time to digest what he has done and you will be better. DO NOT feel all that guilt-I know what that does-blocks you from seeing the truth.I have the burden of telling my guy to get out or not. Your decision was already made by HIM. This is a CRUEL thing and I know from experience. I know the pain you feel. Nothing seems the same but I ask you to just sit with it and remember who you are and RESPECT yourself. You are very brave and strong. Everything will be there for you. Sit Quietely!!
This girl has been in jail for drugs. He paid her lawyer and says he has no money. I know I will be better off. The thought of selling my house, having to move 31 years of stuff and all the memories is taking it’s toll on me. I try everyday to wake up and try not to think about him or miss him. My ex defended her to and gives that child what ever he can. He was so close to our grandchildren, but sometimes I wonder now. I’m hurt about alot of things. You’re right, he made the decision. He says we don’t know what will happen in the future. He knows I still love him. He says he didn’t realize how much he hurt me. Loves me but not in love with me. I don’t understand. I say to myself, how can I get him to fall back in love with me. I just don’t know. Thank you for your story. My heart goes out to you. Stay in touch.
suegas said on November 20, 2009
Anna, I am 57 was married 25 years and divorced (his idea not mine) almost 4years ago. This is one of (if not the toughest) event you will go through in your life especially if you did not intitiate it. It does get better with time but you need to know things to do now when you’re raw and hurting. 1st this is the time lean on friends and family. This is not easy for many women but you need the extra hugs and a person to talk too through your tears. 2nd Try to to find a divorce support group in your area. They are often sponsored by churches and you can also find them on a website called meetup.com. Go to meetup.com and enter divorce as a topic and your zip code and it willshow you any support groups near you. iF you have the resources see a therapist that specializes in divorce support (You can use the internet to find people in you area. 3rd there are many great books on Amazon that touch on all aspects of divorce. Find them and read the reviews before selecting those most helpful to you and your situation. 4th Do not be rushed into your actual divorce. You need time to process your raw emotions and in the end this is a a business transaction that will determine your financial future and you MUST be ready for this aspect of it because there are no ‘Do overs”. No one wants to be take this journey but all these things will help as you go thru this wrenching process. Keepreachin out for support from others who have been ther before you. God Bless .
Celeste Nelson said on November 21, 2009
I was married 27 years. One week after our anniversary, my husband decided he wanted to go out there and find true happiness. He didn’t love me any longer and couldn’t live up to my expectations. Expectations, I thought I deserved to be respected and to want to spend time together as a family. He now wants to take everything, his savings, his business and our 8 year old daughter. She is everything to me and it is killing me to be home alone while they are out doing all the family things I begged him to do with us in the past.
Get a good lawyer Girlfriend.. he can’t take everything.. its the law that you get 1/2 no matter what he thinks.. and of course he can’t have your daughter..
pg58 said on November 21, 2009
It’s so strange to see what you say. Thought my husband, who was diagnosed with bipolar, was the only one who could say should strange things to me-love you but no passion or thrill anymore& many other nutty things! This was when he was going to leave. Said he had no money either-but out to dinner and whatever they needed! It is so hard and please, don’t try to make him love you again. That doesn ‘t seem to be your job! Stay strong-we all care! I, too love my home. No matter what happens I am keeping it but if something comes up that I can’t, I realized one day that it wasn’t the house or furniture it was the memories. I just put my mother in the nursing home 2 days ago, and she had lived in her home for 51 years-loved to cook, clean and was the matriarch of our family. She knew what she had to do for all of us and did it. This breaks my heart, too, but life is more than a house or things. I will think of you as you send me strength, also.
NYCQUEEN4ADAY said on November 21, 2009
LADIES-YOU NEED TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF..YOUR ALL STILL YOUNG ENOUGH TO CARRY ON, BE STRONG IN YOUR MIND AND BODY AND SPIRIT.
THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THIS TUNNEL, NO MATTER WHO YOUR MAN HAS GONE WITH OR HIS REASON..
THE FEMALE SEX IS THE STRONGER SEX-THAT’S WHY “WE” ARE THE ONES WHO GIVE BIRTH TO THE WORLD!
LOVE YOURSELF FIRST AND IN TIME YOU WILL LOVE AGAIN-IF THAT’S “YOUR” CHOICE!
REMEMBER-YOU DON’T NEED A “MAN” TO MAKE YOU FEEL WHOLE!
GOD BLWSS & PROTECT YOU ALL!
Debra A. Chappell said on November 21, 2009
That is such a nice explaination. You are completely right. But as you know it’s easier said than done. Having to sell my home after 31 years is going to be worst than the divorce. Don’t get me wrong, the divorce is devestating. I do love myself and I think I want to love again. The stupid part is I would probably take him back. He was the love of my life. I want to wake up and not be in love with him and just move on. I’m just having a very difficult time. Thanks for listening and for caring. I don’t feel like I need a man to make me whole. I haven’t felt safe, I have felt lonely, and I’m scared since all of this. I don’t know why.
NYCQUEEN4ADAY said on November 24, 2009
WHAT DOES NOT KILL YOU WILL MAKE YOU STRONGER..TRUST ME, BEEN THERE-DONE THAT..IT WILL TAKE TIME LIKE ANYTHING ELSE IN LIFE BUT YOU WILL COME THRU IT ALL A BETTER PERSON THAN YOU ARE NOW..BELEIVE IN YOURSELF AND TRUST IN GOD THAT HE WILL NOT GIVE YOU WHAT YOU CAN NOT HANDLE! BE WELL*
AMEN…NICELY SAID..HAVE A BLESSED HOLIDAY SEASON!
fayetteSIPP said on November 22, 2009
NYC you are on the money, WE OUT LIVE , WE OUT LOVE , WE OUT GIVE, WE OUT THINK
Sometimes situations come into our lives to make us whole, and sometimes it take the absence of someone in our lives….It is sad when sometimes we believe if a person hasnot gone thru a situation they don’t understand, most times this is true but not always, I was 10 when my father left my mother ( thru death) and I understood at a young age that God allows some people to go in order for others to grow. Until we break away from holding on to things we cannot take with us we will suffer the pain of lost,when in the end we have nothing but the air we breathe and when it is gone we return to the source… LIVE in the NOW , know that you are loved , but first loving yourself…Older men are searching for their power from between their legs, We are geared to a better situation as women we have power between our ears and from our heart.Unless we give in to the desire to be loved must be to the one person who seem to not love us, sometimes it is because they do not love themselves and are searching in vain.
A man can only hold on to a younger woman for so long then what? It sadden my heart to see sisters for thru this pain, but with pain comes many lessons…
Please take time and go into yourself and know you are loved, keep positive,take care of yourself, stay around positive people, help others and get up from time to time at 3;00am in the morning and sit and meditate and let the Universe give yo answers.
I truly want us all t become less dependent on the love of anyone and more on loving others and loving ourselves . Take care and may peace and happiness enter your life with out or with a man .
Jaidie said on November 24, 2009
A man will hold onto a younger woman as long as the money lasts!
My hubby found women for BDSM affairs on Ashley Madison and now cruises Plenty of Fish, another website, trying to locate sensual, intelligent women. Considering the spelling mistakes in his profile I wonder what level of education he is looking for! He is a shell of the man he was sadly. I have come to the realization that when he said the hurtfull, mean things to me he was actually talking about himself. He got old, boring and fat and wanted to feel young again.
I am thankful he never brought any diseases home to me or our family with his sexual indescretions.
Sometimes I resent the 37 years I wasted on him but then I think about my great children and beautiful grandchildren and all our wonderful friends and family and know I am a lucky woman.
Be healthy, give to yourself. Allow time to work through the grief, fear and feelings of abandonment. Surround yourself with good people and you will be fine in time.
owlbird said on February 22, 2010
I’ve been married 33 years and I’m 53 and we just have grown apart. It seems as if we have nothing in common any more. It feels as if someone died but is still here. He doesn’t want a divorce, I do. We are good friends. I know that sounds cliche, but it’s true. Although it may get ugly when the whole situation is more final, but I am actually excited to start a new life because I don’t want to live as I am now with him. I love him but definitely not in love, and it has been like that for years. My daughther has her own life now, and now I will have mine. He has done some things that I feel he hasn’t shown any remorse. I can’t live like that any more. Good luck to all of you!
Kimmber said on March 1, 2010
Hello, Owlbird! I feel the same way you do…same situation….what to do? Write me and maybe we can figure something out together…..email me if you want….email@example.com
I am 53 and on my way to divorce. It actually should have happened years ago, but I stayed because of my daughter thinking that two parents were better than one, and I do believe it was. He is a great father, but as a husband, the first 15 years were great. After that it went downhill with finding out that he cheated on me among other things. As I said, I stayed for my daughter. She was so sick growing up. I didn’t know what else to do. So, at 52, I left for four months hoping to scare him and he was. I got all the promises that I knew deep down inside, he wouldn’t keep them, and he didn’t. Everything went back to the way it was before and even worse. I left him again and haven’t been back and probably never will. We are seperated, but I see no going back to him. He had every chance in the world to make things better, and he told me that he can’t change, so it is time to move on. I don’t look at this as a downfall in my life. I take all these years as an experience. I am exicted to move on and start a new life. It’s about time I think of myself instead of everyone else especially my husband. It is not the end of the world. It is a new beginning and whatever happens will be my dicisions and not his. So good luck everyone. I hope you find happiness!!
Kimmber said on February 23, 2010
Hi Annabraun, I am 52 and want a divorce but don’t know if I am able to get it done. I am like you, I’m not in love with him anymore because he has emotionally and verbally abused me most of our marriage. I just don’t know if I am strong enough to get through it. He thinks because he went to a doctor and got anger medication that everything is okay. I want to do things and live my life but I am to afraid to get the ball rolling so to speak. I hope you will write me back and maybe we can lean on each other for support. Kim
pg58 said on March 2, 2010
Kimmber all our stories sound so familiar. I read all these posts and I can see my life in them. Your story is very familiar. The thing is I know the verbal and emotional abuse v ery well. Sometimes it is just too late in coming to get the meds for relief. I begged my husband for years to get something only to be told how nagging and controling I was. I have been called a lot of rough names. He found someone else who is 21 years younger than he. Moved out and then back in but is in process of saving money to get out. Not sure if he wants to be with her anymore but I am sure I do not want to be with him!!! It took time away from him(he now works away 4 days a week and when he is here I am at work) to realize what he had put me through all those years and my daughters, too! I see that I can have a life. I now have more friends(I kept them usually away because of his inappropriate behavior and and not knowing when it would occur)I spend much more time with my adult daughters and I think I might be able someday to have a “normal relation” with some man! Who knows!! I am beginning to be comfortable with myself now. I will tell you that his medication will be short lived probably. Only to placate you, now. I think putting the other woman aside, that the medication was the last straw for me. He is on again off again and I’m not going to go down that road again. My problem is seeing his pain. I agree with the other post that said not to let them come back when ever they wanted-just drop in. This is very hard for me to see him. We were close at one time and his pain is evident but I know there has been too much this time. Not sure how you will get the ball rolling but you do deserve a life and you will find that it’s easier than you think. During all these months I also, lost my mother who was my best friend. I will look in the mirror and say “hey, you do’t look so bad for what you have been through” You gain strength everyday and what a difference it makes when you know you are doing the right thing. Good luck-persevere and I’ll keep you in my thoughts!!
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