November 14, 2010 at 4:13 pm in Family & Relationships by tobiasusa
I am a happy, single professional, and 52 thinking of adopting a baby/chld.
Any thoughts and comments are welcome.
93 Comments »
ThurmanLady said on November 14, 2010
I have an adopted son and think it’s wonderful – but I was 20 at the time! I can’t imagine having a 4 year old child at this point in my life (I’m 56) but I think if you figure that you can handle a child graduating from high school when you’re in your 70s, then, maybe. Or, maybe, adopt an older child.
If I had the room for it at this point in my life, I’d consider a foster child or two. I’d love to be able to help a youngster have a better life. ♥
Scuba P said on November 14, 2010
So many kids need loving homes and I applaud your decision to adopt. With a baby, you might want to consider how you’ll feel at 62 when your kid is 10. Will you have good health, will you have enough energy for the parties, soccer games, sleepovers, etc. Instead, you may want to consider an older child or teen. It’s much harder for them to find homes and it might work out better for you as well.
Good luck to you and to your very lucky child!
Anonymous1 said on November 23, 2010
I completely agree with this comment…It is right on “point”.
dynamomma said on November 14, 2010
When I was in high school I had a best friend whose parents were in their sixties. She hated it because they never wanted to do things with her. She spent most of her time with me and my family. Suffice to say that if they’d adopted her to have her in their life, at that age she was not in their life. When my first granddaughter was born 20 years ago, my husband and I seriously considered having another child because the granddaughter was so delightful and we had so much to give another baby. At that time in our lives we were both professionals and devoted more than 40 hours a week to our careers. If we had had that child, they would be 20 years old. After what we have gone through with friends that are our age and have younger children, I am so thankful we did not do the “nesting” thing again. We would be cheating that child of so much because of our age. However, the other side of the coin is that what we can’t do in activity, we can do in giving more time because we are retired. So I’d suggest that you map out of your life and examine the stages of developmental needs at each age of a child, and see if you could give this child what they need at each age. If you honestly think you can keep up with an ever increasing active child, then go for it.
pats said on November 14, 2010
Hi I think adoption is a wonderful thing, If the child is an older one I think it is great. Things to think about, do you have a support system, will you need an outside baby sitter. Just keep in mind that your life totally changes. You will be lucky to adopt a child without issues, mental issues. Do you have someone who will answer the school calls while you are at work. And one major thing, hope I don’t insult you, but menopause, have you had it? If you are on it and if it is an easy menopause then I think adoption will be easy. Good luck and keep us posted. We are always here for on-line support. VN has saved me from going off the deep end with issues I could not tell my friends or family! Again good luck.
She Cat said on November 14, 2010
I give you credit and wish you well with whatever decision that you make. Me, no thanks, I have enough of a hard time trying to work all day long, and the thoughts of coming home to a baby or toddler would drive me to the Psychiatric ward in a heartbeat……
Good luck, and please think this through thoroughly….
KGrandma said on November 14, 2010
All the other answers here are valid, but I wonder what avenues you are considering. My daughter tried adoption after their first biological child, for all the usual reasons (so many children need homes, the world doesn’t need another planned baby, etc). She and her husband were prime candidates: early 30s, well employed, a beautiful and affordable home, supportive family, squeaky-clean background, willing to take a child with physical problems, a child of mixed race, etc. They did stipulate that they would not accept a child with a meth addicted mother or a known mental problem. They tried international adoptions as well, and paid out a great deal of money for the assorted paperwork and home visits that are required.
After several years, they gave up and had a second child of their own. If you are sure that you want to do this, you should move as quickly as possible, because it can take a very long time.
ErinPatrick said on November 14, 2010
These are all wonderful responses. It’s so great when someone has room in there heart to love a child. I think if you consider what all of these wonderful women had to say and really seek what’s in your heart to do, you’ll know the right thing! I wish you all the best. Keep us posted on what you decide!
Lynnette said on November 14, 2010
i would rather adopt a 5-6 year old, but if you have the energy, go for it. So many kids are in need of a good home. I think a child will definitely keep u young. There is no other option as this child will need your help and your presence most of the time. Good luck and let us know what happens.
Is it a child from the USA or are you going all the way across the world to get this child?
Anikay said on November 15, 2010
I would say go for it. The respective agencies will work with you to find the right fit for your space/ energy level.
Note; read a story of a teenager who was thrilled to be adopted. She then had a home to return to on her breaks from college.
Charlotte H. said on November 15, 2010
Oh, good lord, Tobiasusa, ignore all the age #%&*!. Age minuses – not as energetic, perhaps, but not as inclined to want to go out and party every night. Also, younger parents wouldn’t have to put up with hearing crap opinions from others. Pluses – wise, patient, settled. And, utmost, you want a child, and that is what matters. Age is a number, so, shake your head clear of the cobwebs, and go for that child.
I am single, 43 years old, looking into sperm bank help in having a child. I know that this is what I want, and I will not ever ask anyone’s opinion, because I couldn’t care less.
Adoption can take time, as has been said, so, get going on it!
She Cat said on November 15, 2010
You’re onlyy 43???? If this is true, then by the rules here, you do not have the right to post here. Rules are rules, and this is nothing personal……
Beth - VN Staff said on November 15, 2010
The rules say no men, but do not require that our members be 50. VibrantNation.com is about a life stage — a time of life — not about a particular age.
I guess maybe the part then in the title area where it says 50+ is a bit misleading then……
Perhaps, but it was the best way we could figure to communicate what we had in mind. If you come up with a clever way to describe the site where most women of the appropriate age range “get it,” let us know! The good news is, we’ve gathered a wonderful group of Vibrant women, most of whom range from 46 – 60 according to our demographic info. Enjoy!
jazz said on November 20, 2010
do try to get over it if you can….rules…my butt……grow up
anir said on November 20, 2010
So are rules for you not important? Do you just do what suits ‘You’ and rules are to be thrown out the window if they don’t allow you to do what ‘you’ want?
I thought when you were ‘grown up’ and not a child anymore, you knew that rules were there for a reason and not to just be ignored at will or want.
jazz said on November 21, 2010
oh pleeezzz!… a woman made a comment and you disregarded her comment just because of her age….ridiculous !….this is a womyns site….do you know for sure that every womyn is 50 + on this site. NO YOU DON’T! This site offers some wonderful information, and articles. So if a woman happens to be a bit younger and wants to be enlightened…. so be it……the bottom line is we should have compassion for everyone even if they are a bit younger..there are exceptions to every rule….why be so uptight about the age thing!….get over it!
She Cat said on November 24, 2010
My my you can be nasty when you want can’t you??? Your response to me was sooooooo adult and grown up like, I am just so impressed with it…..(sarcasm) just in case that slipped by you!!!!!!
Charlotte H. said on November 24, 2010
Hi She Cat. When I first found this site, it was when I googled a topic about married men – I had just found out that my boyfriend is married – and was directed straight into a posting by a woman who had had a similar experience. I decided to post my own experience, and got a lot of help from people, here. I had no idea this website was for women over 50. I did find out, eventually, logging into and reading the front page. But, I figured, why not post from time to time, as the topics are interesting and the women here are interesting. I am “only” 43, but I was born “old”. In a good way. My friends are all ages, mostly older than me. My best friend is 64. My ex is 51. I admit, I have felt uncomfortable when posting, once I found out that this is for women over 50.
I know this isn’t personal, She Cat. Maybe the declaration can change to “for women over 40” because I do like this website. My neighbour is 81 and we enjoy a cup of tea together now and then.
Really, age is just a number. I have had many, many experiences. But, I do understand what you’re saying.
Believe me, I meant no disrespect when I responded to you about the age thing, and I do apologize for my not understanding the age thing.
pats said on November 16, 2010
Ok charlotte, some people are smart to want to know what they are faced with, and when she adopts it will not be a shocker like it was to some of us 50 and over people. So be respectfull if stressed out people want a little advise.
girlygirl said on November 19, 2010
Charlotte….you obviously know what you want but to be honest…you are not where the rest of us are age wise. There is a big difference between the age of 43 and 53…trust me…even the most energetic of women have a tougher time by the time they hit their fifties. Also, menopause usually has kicked in and there can be a lot of issues with that. I know that most of my friends who are in their 50’s all complain about the beginnings of memory loss…not dementia but little things…it is a lot harder to multitask. AND there is so much multitasking with children. Yes…maybe age is just a number and our generation is healthier and living longer but I think we also to some extent have refused to accept the reality of aging…it is gonna happen whether we want it to or not. All I am saying is that even though this website supposedly can include women younger than 50, there are just some things you cannot understand until you are there.
exactly….think about it….adopting at age 53……..totally unfair for the child!
anir said on November 21, 2010
Just copied and pasted what you gave me as an answer
…there are exceptions to every rule….why be so uptight about the age thing!…
Just giving you a look in the mirror.
I’ve aged 50 years in the last two months, because of stress and a big, personal “wallop”. My mom is 83 and has a new beau who is 79. They have more energy than I have ever had. This is not an exaggeration. My “step dad” plays with my four year old nephew and never tires, and has the patience of a saint. Sure, he forgets his ball cap at restaurants, and rarely remembers where he’s left his glasses, but he makes up for these little things in other, big ways. I do not accept that there is a big difference between the age of 43 and 53. Maybe there is in your life, but your life is not my life. My 64 year old friend just left on a sabbatical to the west coast and is painting and meeting new people, and hiking and having a great time. My 16 year old second cousin has arthritus in her knees and won’t leave her couch, she is in such pain and her spirits are zero. Me, I’m feeling like crap most days. I have been trying to be positive, but it is difficult. I really like this VN website. But, if my “youth” threatens anyone, I won’t post anymore. The last thing I want is to argue on a computer.
The problem with posting on any website, is the fact that you will find people that just LOVE to argue over anything, and with anyone…..Don’t let it get to you at all. I wish they had an IGNORE button on this website, like they do on others I have been on. Basically, take what you want from what is being said, and leave the rest behind….
As far as the adoption thing goes……Just make sure that you think things through thoroughly, because once the baby/child is in your home, you can’t take it back if things get overwhelming for you…..
Charlotte H. said on November 25, 2010
Thank you for your advice, She Cat. I’ve heard that 90% of communication is non-verbal. So, it’s hard to judge meaning, sometimes. For example, I was misunderstood, earlier, as being disrespectful about tobiasusa asking for advice about adopting. I had definately not intended that! But, re-reading my post, I can understand how I was misunderstood.
Yes, things can get overwhelming for parents. But, that’s true for All parents, no matter the age, no matter the method in conceiving. I think that the most important thing when adopting, or having a child by any means, is to have a good support group in place; e.g., a healthy relationship if in one, a few very good and trusted friends, and awareness of community support systems. As far as dwelling on one’s age, well, to me that is not nearly as important, if at all, as having good and trusted support systems in place. Too much thinking, however, can waste time and make a person frazzled. Often, things just take care of themselves, over time, when problems arise. You know, “I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it”. As far as age, older people are just, generally, more patient than younger people, and wiser, which, I believe makes up for maybe having less energy. Though, there are plenty of lazy young people out there! Not to mention young people who want to hit the bars every other night.
There are pluses and minuses for being older and younger. As far as the young person having to care for older parents, well, that’s not easy at any age. It matters on the individual. blah blah blah
If you decide to go for it, tobiasusa, I say congratulations!!!!
Martha Maria said on November 15, 2010
Before adopting a baby or toddler (at my age) I would experiment with setting the clock to wake me up every night at least a couple of times and see how I did on losing sleep….and I don’t mean for just one or two nights. I mean EVERY night for at least a couple of months. Children are so variable. I had one child who had sleep problems for many years. My husband and I used to split the night into shifts. My other child was a sound sleeper almost from the beginning.
Whatever your decision, I wish you good luck and happiness.
jbwritergirl said on November 15, 2010
YES I DO AGREE!!!
enjoying new life said on November 16, 2010
Decisions like this always need to put “what is best for the child” at the front of the process. At 52 you may have the energy for a young child, but not a teen at 70. I have a male friend who broke off a fabulous relationship because she was younger and wanted children and he felt it unfair to have a child at 52 (his age). I supported his decision and found it very responsible. That being said if you have alot of love to give, I dont know about adoption with older children but I know there is a huge demand for foster parents. YOu might want to look into that. I was looking into it, but as my teens get older, I like the freedom they give me
pmc said on November 17, 2010
I believe you need to deside on such.W ith husband.
About it,and age.THEN,don t keep the child[ONLY IF HE/SHE IS OUTSTANDING}
We that deliver children,work through their good & bad TIMES. iTS NOT ALWAYS EASY.
THAT S PARENTING.
CyndiB said on November 18, 2010
I think it’s probably a very tempting thought, however, despite your good intentions, I think you also have to consider the child. I was very young (21) when I had children. I do remember one thing that they all said to me in their teenage years – “I’m so glad you’re young”. They had friends who’s parents were much older and they could see the difference between what I was able to do with them and what the other parents were able/willing to do with their children. They were very thankful I was involved, could do things with them and not sit on the sidelines.
Raising children takes a tremendous amount of time and energy. The time, you may have. The energy, you may not. And, if you have it now, will you have it in 10 years when these children are going to need/want you to?
I don’t mean to be negative at all because I do realize there are a lot of children out there who need/want a good home. It’s a wondeful thing to adopt a child – it takes a special person full of love. I would just say you have to think about it carefully and realize that how you feel today (emotionally and physically) may change in ten years or twenty.
I’m the grandmother of three beautiful children. Two of them are still toddlers and I have a very difficult time watching them for hours at a time. I’m so past that point in my life. But, I love them dearly and I love my children and want to be part of all their lives. But, the reality is if I feel this way at 53, how will you feel when the child you adopt has children? Will you have enough to give your grandchildren? Children are a lifetime responsibility and then comes their children.
There’s a lot to think about. I wish you the best. If you decide adopting isn’t right for you, is there another way for you to give of yourself to improve a child’s life? Can you become a big sister or something like that where you can be involved with a child? Good luck. Cyndi
natcha said on November 18, 2010
I did it – I adopted at 50 (9 years ago) BUT I adopted a 9 year old! I now have 2 step-grandchildren, ages 2 and 4, as well so I do understand the energy issue with young children. Adopting my son was the (hardest, sure, but) best thing I ever did and my only regret is that I hadn’t started younger so I’d be able to repeat the experience. You have to really, really want to do this – although I’m not religious, it has to be almost a ‘calling’ because it is frought with difficulty. Research is starting to demonstrate that regardless of the nature of the child and the excellence of the parenting, even kids adopted right after birth tend to have a high incidence of attachment disorder, impulse issues, etc.. (I was just sent a good article about this.) We were told that our son was “the most resilient kid ever” by the psychologists but he and we still had to deal with a lot as he passed through his preteen and teenaged years. Aside from the energy issue with babies, toddlers – I’m extremely energetic yet with my grandchildren understand TBC
Robin Bird said on November 18, 2010
When I was in my late 40’s, my husband and I adopted 2 girls from Vietnam. I’m now 59 and they are 9 and 10 years of age. Generally, there are a few age requirements in international adoption; not enough in my opinion. I wanted children badly and worked very hard to adopt my kids. However, in retrospect, the “best interests of the child” should be paramount; not the interests of the parent. While I’ve created a wonderful support system for them, I hope that we live long, healthy lives because I don’t want to orphan my children twice in their lives. Adoption should never be about “feeling young”. It should be about caring for the “young”. I wished someone had sat me down and gave me a more realistic approach to adoption and all of its options.
I know many single moms who adopted, stayed home with the kids for about 3 months and then went back to long work hours leaving their children to day-care. Think carefully about about what you can handle in your life because a child’s needs are great whether they are adopted or not.
Think about adopting an older child. I had tried to adopt a 12 year old, while in Vietnam. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out but I still think about that little girl. The best advice I can give you is to educate yourself on adoption and its issues. Talk to other adoptive parents, social workers, etc. Don’t be shy about your research. I wish you the best of luck!
Me again, finishing … with my grandchildren understand that there are other difficulties. Given the high incidence of attachment disorders, etc., you’ll need to devote a lot of time with these kids and still anticipate the potential for problems in the future. I would echo some of the others’ sentiments – in that case, perhaps foster first and learn the lay of the land. If you adopt an older child, and I think this is the most wonderful thing, please do make sure you have an excellent health/mental health plan for the child and lots of support for you – I was, and still am, married. (For me, it would have been out of the question to adopted singly as I travel a lot for work.) I’d be happy to discuss this with you further if you like. It’s a tough decision and you want to go there with eyes very wide open. Gotta run ….
ThurmanLady said on November 18, 2010
I understand what you’re saying about difficulties. My son was only 17 months old when we adopted him, but I’m now a firm believer in both nature and nurture! ♥
bev923 said on November 18, 2010
I adopted a little boy when I was 52 he was 5 at the time I didnt expect to raise him on my own but life being what it is there are just the 2 of us now. I am a healthy 56 year old and I make sure I do everything with him to make sure he doesnt miss out on anything. I should also mention I have 3 grown children who are active in his life. Its a lot of work and when all the women my age are doing other things I do feel a little left out but the joy I feel when I hear him laugh out loud does my heart good. There are a lot of kids out there who need good homes and somebody to love them and if you feel you have the energy then I say go for it.
me again – this is exactly how I feel! Well said, fewer words
grownwomanboomer said on November 18, 2010
50 is the new 40, 40 is the new 30 and on and on it goes. We’re always trying to push the envelope. And this is just my opinion, before anyone decides that they may rail against me on this one. I believe that there is a season for everything. To adopt a baby in one’s 50s to me seems unrealistic. I think people put more emphasis on what they want rather than the realistic well being of a child and important considerations of being an older parent.
The risk of that child losing a parent of mature age should always be considered…And then what? Adopting a young baby at this age is more than a notion, but we become a society who love to break the laws of reality because we want what we want. Babies become teenagers. Teens are a rough ride for anyone. Their brains are still developing and they are coerced and tempted by so many outside influences. It may be more difficult in your 60s and 70s to work through that process when you may be going through so much yourself.
Sometimes it’s not considered that the child may end up having to take care of you. When that child is in their 20s, and you’re in your 70s is a real reality ride. I don’t know too many kids that age who are able to mentally work through the stresses of having an older parent. They can barely figure out who they are. Personally, I don’t think that it’s fair to them. Many of us are at the point where we are caring for aging parents and the stress sometimes become too much for us.
The writer doesn’t indicate what kind of professional she is. Does the professional have a job where she may have to compromise time with the child? Is the child going to be left with a nanny? If so, what’s the point?
I lost a dear friend who was in their late fifties with a 5 year old. The night that my friend died, the child was left in the house with a dead body. Not knowing what to do. I cannot imagine, how horrible a night that was for the child.
There are so many other options where this is concerned. I think the fantasy is better than the reality.
Grown Woman – Your statement, “I think people put more emphasis on what they want rather than the realistic well being of a child and important considerations of being an older parent.” – is absolutely correct and I applaud you for it!
It should ALWAYS be about the best interests of the child!
Beth said on November 19, 2010
I agree whole heartedly.
Diane Minutilli said on November 18, 2010
You don’t say how much you know about the process of adoption. My husband and I tried to adopt a newborn when I was 40 and he 46. We are happy, healthy, in no trouble with the law, stable jobs, good support system with friends and family, etc, etc. Some avenues, mostly international, were all ready closed to us because of our age. We were doing an open adoption, you must be chosen by the birth mother. Most agencies do adoption this way now. We waited a couple years and thousands of dollars later and finally withdrew because we were never chosen. Know that you will be “competing” against couples and other singles and your age, and the fact that you are single, will be a factor against you. It’s heartbreaking, but we felt an open adoption is so much better for the child.
I have several friends who have adopted internationally and domestically in a variety of ways. All of their kids have emotional and behavioral issues that they are finding quite trying. Obviously this could happen to your own child as well… IMHO, Fost-adopt would be the fastest way to go, and you will be sure of getting a child. You and the child will spend time together and you’ll know whether you want to take that child as your own, or not. And you will get supported by the state, though perhaps not as much as they used to with failing budgets.
Best of luck with what ever you decide. There are a lot of good thoughts posted here to consider.
CBW said on November 18, 2010
Before I’d read thru these wonderful responses, my initial thought was “Are you crazy?”, but the better response is, “Are you crazy enough to take on a needy school age (at least 5 yrs, maybe up to 10 yrs) child and work a miracle?”
My initial response was based on my current situation doing nanny-granny care for my 3 yr and 5.5 mo grandsons–and at 65, I am TIRED each night, tho I am joyful about this opportunity. This is for a short-time, a couple months to help bridge the transition to daughter’s return to her professional. Much as I ache with sore joints, I am so lucky to be here, now, at this age.
So, I think you should look at all the pros and cons, review the advice given here, and do what your heart and your gut tell you to do. There are needy school age children who desperately crave an adult to love them and guide them forward to adulthood. You could be that person! Foster a child? Why not? You could end up adopting the child down the road. I think you will find the energy and fortitude as time goes on, considering that you are in excellent mental, emotional, physical health NOW. (You are, aren’t you?) Best wishes, Darlin’
Kathie Bianchi said on November 18, 2010
My husband and I adopted a beautiful child five years ago. I was fifty nine and my husband was fifty seven. We had raised our family and it was time to retire. Cruise and play was not on our list to do’s. We did however, make sure our child would be well taken care of in our family structure. Both our older children have agreed to raise our daughter should anything happen to us. At this stage of life, one tries to cross their T’s and dot all their I’s. When we adopted Christina, she was 4 years old and had been in 13 different foster homes. God has been so good to us…..He has blessed us with a beautiful child not only on the outside but also within in herself.
Life was a challenge for the first year, Christina had to find love and trust……a very hard beginning for such a small little person. We had to find the strenght and be up for the challenge. It worked and now we reap the joys of a ten year old young woman. She is an honor student and a competitive swimmer…..a very busy young woman with lots of energy…..So Tobiausa…………follow your heart and take a journey……..or just dream about a journey you could have taken…..Kathie
Raffila said on November 23, 2010
What a beautiful reply.. and what an amazing good mom and grandma you must be. Thank you for sharing your perspective. There are so many negative replies in this thread that it is daunting. You did all your homework, acting responsibly and cautiously, yet you both followed your heart. I am so happy for you. Your family is truly blessed.
Hi Kathie Bianchi,
Your response conveys a few benefits of being “older” adopters, in that you and your husband are wise, patient, understanding of the child’s needs, and had/have a good and trusted support system in place.
A perfect example of why age number means little when bringing a child into one’s home.
DianeLynn said on November 18, 2010
It’s nice to read all the responses here and everyone’s wonderful experiences. These children are lucky to have you as parents. I’m 60 now and have no children but it was definitely on my mind for a long time to possibly adopt an older child. However, I know myself well and I realized that I didn’t have the energy or the best health to be a parent, so I didn’t pursue it any further. I do think that everyone is different in their energy and health levels and that that should define whether you go ahead with your desire to parent. I agree with most of the people here that it would probably be better to adopt a slightly older child because they are so in need of love and parenting, whereas infants are in much greater demand. Good luck in your quest!
Kathie Bianchi said on November 19, 2010
If you want to rationlize your decision, you can always come up with why I should not adopt. I like the question why I should adopt and then follow a path in my journey. I am not in this decision alone. I have a wonderful husband and we compliment each other in the job of parenting our child. Our older children ask why we did not do this earlier in life. I think we had a natural plan….our older children grew up with love, trust and both were educated. Our youngest child, had to learn love of parents, trusting in their guidiance with love but most of all, being a part of a family. I had a hard time with the your statement that energy and health should define whether you go ahead with your desire to parent. Follow your heart,
Moongirl007 said on November 18, 2010
Tobiausa: I read your post, and the comments, with great interest. For many of my midlife years, I was single and struggled with the issue of if I wanted to adopt as a single woman. My ultimate decision: I could not see how it was in the best interest of any child to do that. I would need to continue working to support my child; I already had decided I was too busy to have a dog. How was I going to raise a youngster? And I don’t have family members who would be willing to step up and offer help on a regular basis — nor should they be expected to. They already have raised their own children.
When I married again at 50, I thought: Well, maybe now! But my new husband, four years older, felt he could not be a good parent at this later point in his life. So the decision has been made.
Most important, as I have heard others say here: What is best for a child? I didn’t see any comments from you in regards to why you think you should adopt. Too often, I hear single women considering having a child on their own, or adopting one, talk about their own hopes and needs. It shouldn’t be about you.
Finally, as Kitty Lover said, there are many ways to love children besides giving birth to them or raising them. Be a favorite “aunt” to your friends’ kids. Be a Big Sister or volunteer with other childrens’ organizations. Be a foster parent. So many children would benefit from your attention and caring.
I hope this doesn’t sound harsh. I am sure you are a thoughtful, caring person. It is such a difficult decision, as I know, and I wish you luck and blessings as you wrestle with it.
WendyBancroft said on November 18, 2010
Tobiasusa, as an adoptive mother of a 25 year old (we adopted when I was 37) I can only add that this is not just about age, or your needs, or whether you have lots of love to give (which I’m sure you have). Adopted children can experience enormous emotional challenges associated with adoption–of abandonment and attachment for example–and believe me, as an adoptive mother you may need incredible skill and resources to deal with these challenges. I was thinking just the other day that I don’t know how I could have made it through our daughter’s hardest years if I’d been on my own. For this reason alone, I would advise against adopting in your case.
But I sure hear your need to mother and share your love and there are lots of children out there who would undoubtedly benefit. I see that Moongirl has suggested some of these options and I would agree that these routes to mothering are likely to bring more rewards all around for you.
WendyBancroft said on November 19, 2010
Wow you seem to have touched some nerves here Tobiasusa! Anyway, just a follow up comment from me. It’s National Adoption Month so the airwaves and online traffic about adoption is pretty busy. I came across this site this morning where many adoptive parents talk about their experience. Seemed a good one to pass onto you. http://ht.ly/3bX6o
Raffila said on November 18, 2010
My neighbor and her husband were married 20 yrs before they decided to start their family. She was 52 when the last of her 3 children was born. She did great. I thought it was odd at first, but for that family, this decision worked well. They had maturity, means and the time to devote to their late-in-life children.
Even tho everyone can tell you there are risks of having children with serious health or behavioral problems (and I saw this happen with someone over 50 who adopted a boy of 12) there are others who can tell you their adopted children turned out fine. Some can remind you that advancing age brings loss of energy. All true, but listen to your body and your mind, not theirs.
I brought up five children across a span of 20 years. Everyone can tell you a story, they are all different. Mine would all be different, for each child. Today, at 62, if a baby dropped into my lap, I know I could do it– be a good mom.
Listen to your own heart. Do what’s best for yourself. Yes. for you. Everyone stressed that you should think of the child. Well, don’t. Think about yourself. You are the one who matters. As the child grows and learns from you, it’s your strength, your love of life, even your respect and caring for yourself..that the child will watch and model himself after. You are the one with the responsiblity and the joy of helping a child down the road to adulthood. It’s a wonderful journey–and you’re the leader and guide.
The best interests of a child are based on the parent. Can the parent love him or her with unselfish, unconditional love? Can the parent provide food and shelter, health care, good education and a stable, loving home. If you have what it takes, go for it.
I am practical, sensible, caring. My children turned out to be happy, productive, self-reliant, self-confident people. Yours will too. if that’s your goal. When I look at your photo, I see a determined young woman who is healthy and has good self-esteem. Appearances tell a lot.
If adopting a baby or child is what you want to do, then do it with the same vigor and dedication you put into your education and career–you will succeed.
Beth said on November 18, 2010
I have a friend who had a child five years ago….he was 52 and his wife was 43 at the time. Monday, they just celebrated his 5th birthday. This was his fourth child, he had his first with his first wife, and number 2 and 3, with his second wife and now his fouth, with his third wife. His children range in age from 32 – 5! Of course, the 5 year old was born prematurely and had several complications, including developemental problems with his speech, legs, and teeth. I think the were very irresponsible in making the decision to have a child at their ages. I do not think that they thought throw the end result….a child with a very strong possilbility of medical and health challenges. I strongly believe that he was tricked into this and now is very happy about the child but is feeling trapped into staying to this marriage. This was the first time his wife was a mother and of course is very overwhelmed with it all. This was not her expectation of motherhood. She has no one her age group that has a five year old!
You need to consider everything….not just your desires, but what the future will bring for your child>
One person’s experiences don’t always translate to another person’s. Also, to consider her desires and all that the future will bring to her child would be a big time waster.
Beth said on November 26, 2010
Yes, but you have to consider many different factors like….a chance of developing Alheimer’s in the older parent of a younger child (and or infant)….then what? or any other dibiliating physical and mental conditions that the more prevelant in a more senior aged parend then a parent who is 20 or 30 years younger? I guess that is why there are state laws for such matters.
Charlotte H. said on November 27, 2010
I hear what you’re saying. There are things to consider, and to ensure that “safety nets” are in place in case these things do happen. That is the mature and responsible thing to do. Good food for thought, thanks, Beth. Consider, decide to go ahead, or not, and then do the responsible actions to provide a loving, safe, fulfilling life for the child.
Amyta said on November 18, 2010
NO, don’t do it! I am happily married for 44 years and we adopted a child when I was 24. Had a biological child at 26. Wonderful experiences but teenagers are not what I expected! And times are so different now. I have grandchildren that range from 2-6 yr. and I could NOT do it again at my age. Caring for them is exhausting. And at your age all your friends are finally free and you will not be. My 40 yr. old adopted daughter started her family at 35 and she says that’s way too late too. My husband and hers are workaholics which left us kind of like single parents and that’s for the birds too. Think what being always on duty will be! My 40-yr. old daughter thinks that even being married at a later age is difficult as she says that she was “set in her ways” already and had to adjust to living with another person. All that being said, I believe you can’t possibly feel what it will be like and how your life will change. Whatever your decision I wish you the very best of luck!
debkamaine said on November 18, 2010
Well, we hear of many women who get pregnant in older ages. We don’t think anything of it when we see Paul McCartney or (can’t think of his name–he’s a celebrity) having a child. In fact, many male celebrities are on in years and having children. I know, I know, the rules are different for them.
I say this–if you want to do this, if you have the money, if you have the support, DO IT! Why? If you want this, you probably have the energy. And, what is to say that having a child won’t Give you energy! Are you a happy person? Whoever you are now, is who you will be with a baby. If you are depressed, I’d suggest not doing it, it won’t give you happiness and it will be a huge huge drain. But, if you have wanted a child, never had the money, situation, whatever, and you have it now, and are a positive person, DO IT!! I am 57. I never wanted a child, but I would be a better mother now, than if I had done it earlier. I would be a good mother now, due to lessons I’ve learned in my life. There is ONE issue that you might have trouble with…kids are ashamed of old parents. Actually, I don’t know if ALL kids are. In this society, where kids come out of test tubes, I don’t know if the age of parents matters! Get checked out by some professional about your abilities as a parent. Go through a reputable adoption agency, and DO IT!! I do feel bad for the kids who aren’t white babies though. There are many many kids who need to be adopted. If you are a positive person, you will be changing a life for the better~~be compassionate as you choose.
Windancer11 said on November 19, 2010
I would think long and hard about the decision. Having raised two children – first born when I was 22, the second when I was 30 – I enjoyed the years but would not want to repeat all the things that go with raising kids when in my 50’s. My oldest entered college the same year I turned 40, and my yongest was grown and on his own by the time I reached 50. But if you have considered the committment of raising a young child and if it still feels what you want to do, then by all means. For me being a grandparent at this stage of life feels better – you can send them home to their parents:>}} It takes a lot of energy – physical, emotional, and mental, to raise children – not sure I would be up to that now.
Went to a 40 year class reunion – we were 58 – one man had divorced and remarried a very young wife – and came with a new born in arms – I know he was envied by many of the men there for his trophy wife, but I don’t think many envied him a child that was younger than many of the grandchildren the other classmate had at that time of life.
iSee said on November 19, 2010
I gave birth to my naturally children at 44 and 46 years old. Thery were conceived naturally. My children are now 6 and 8. I am 52, as well. COuld I start over with an infant. Probably. I also work almost full time so life is always a juggling act. Children keep you young. Being a mom is an amazing gift.
One of the oddities about being an older mom is that many of the children in my son and daughter’s classes have grandparents my age! There is an strnage generation gap, at times; however, I think my husband and I, as older parents bring wisdon, stability and a grander perspective to our children’s lives due to broad life experience before parenthood. Sometimes I have a hard time relating to the other parents at their school, but that’s life!
I encourage you to follow your heart! Have a support group if only a few friends. You know what is possible for you, and what you can handle. I would not adopt a teen since you have no other experience rasing children. I think growing with your child is important, but I am sure there are many toddlers or early elementary children that need a good home. Blessings on your decision!
lol I’m actually 53 not 52. 🙂 Sorry . . . must have been a senior moment!
jazz said on November 19, 2010
absolutely ridiculous. How selfish for the child. You should have thought about this when you were younger. You’ll be 54 by the time you get pregnant and have the baby. And who’s the father gonna be?. I am 52 and was brought all my life not knowing who my parents were. Now you want to bring a child into the world not knowing who the father is for your selfish reasons….give me a break. Your 52 yrs old! Think about it. Think about the child not just yourself
Amyta said on November 19, 2010
In all fairness she did say she wanted to ADOPT.
Beth said on November 22, 2010
You are correct….she did say she wanted to adopt. But, she may want to have the same considerations. AGE has alot to do with being able to support a child mentally, financially, and have the physical strenght to do it. Helps if you have a partner to share the parenting with. But then again, who am I to say anything. I am not the normal mother. I was married before I had any thought of a child….married to the same man for 28 years, and he was the father to all four of my children. A real novelty in this day and age.
melodyanne said on November 19, 2010
Well..I guess youre post has hit a nerve with alot of women…I would like to put in my two cents also! I adopted a little girl Russia when I was 46 and my husband was 45…she was almost 9 months by the time we got her home. I would not change a thing…not one single thing! She is brilliant, beautiful, loving…and I dont miss one day being grateful that I have been blessed to have both my children in my life. I will say this…from what I can see from all the women and men Ive since met who have adopted from China..Russia..the USA (literally all over the world)…every single person is different. I have seen parents who were young ..say in their 30’s who were exhausted by the new life brought into their home..and yes..I know a mom (via the church) who adopted a 4 month old girl from Columbia…and she is 54 and has the energy and excitement and joy of a 20 year old…This baby has added such love into her world and they are both the happiest I have ever seen. I might also say..each baby is different..some sleep thru the night and some are a little more work…but all in all..I dont think I would reach out for other peoples opinions..they will always vary…just as people never seem to agree on anything. I think you should just look inward and truly follow your heart. I wanted children so badly I could never have been swayed by anyone elses opinion…(other than my husbands and sons..because they were part of the process too obviously)..but I was confident I would be a loving mom and I truly truly wanted to give my life and love to a child…so basically if this is what you want..and you know you are patient and loving and financial secure enough to handle it..then go for it. I wouldnt let age ever ever keep me from having my dream…not as long as i was healthy and certain of my goals. Age really is a number..and most women in their 50’s today look like women in their 40’s..some …even in their 30’s..and if you are strong and healthy physcially..there is no reason at all you cant be the proud mommy of a baby..Follow your heart..and check out every avenue..I might suggest you look at IFS.org…which is the agency I went thru..If you are considering foreign adoption..they discuss every country and what the age limits are in each one..(also any restriction each individual country might have)…they also do adoptions statewide if you prefer a USA baby.
I had such a great experience…and I look at my daughter and truly believe we were meant to be together.
I wish you the very very best…
Im sorry..I gave the wrong info to the adoption agency…the web addy is
I had to look it up..its been awhile.!! : )
One last thing..approval from people is highly overrated…ask for suggestions..which is a super idea…but once you know exactly what you want…go for it. I adopted before there were sites like these so I went to the only sources I knew..friends and professionals…The friends were divided and more than one brought up my age and made the “how selfish of me” comment….and the “you should have thought about children sooner” retort. I was nonplused by both these responses..1. I had thought about children sooner..when I got married at 26..I immediately tried to get pregnant…and after 5 IVF’s that were unsuccessful over a 15 yr period…I turned to Adoption…unfortunately time doesnt stand still and everything takes time..so yes..I was older than a pert 30 yr old…but I still didnt think of myself as old..and I dont today…2.The professionals told me to expect a child that would never bond with me..would most likely be mentally delayed and God knows what else. I followed my heart and my gut and pretty much trusted the Universe. Today I have an incredibly beautiful teen ager who is top in her class and as far as bonding…well…ha!…she is most guilty of hugging us..and telling us how much she loves us..pretty much daily…and shes got the kindest biggest heart…so…what can I say…maybe i was lucky…but maybe it was meant to be…(I choose the latter!!)
oh pleeeez…how fair is it for a kid in their teens to have parents in their late 60’s early 70’s…this also totally embarrasing for the kids….how active are you gonna be,,,,why dopt from russia when there are tons of kids in this country needing to be a dopted.Get a grip….you just want some to take care of you when you get old adopting at that age…its for selfish reasons
adoption or not….its clear that you are looking for someone to take care of you and hubby when you get old…so now you decide you want to adop…..pleeez….give me a break at 53?
melodyanne said on November 21, 2010
Wow Jazz…what a loving totally non judgemental response from you!!! You must be a wonderful human being..
I am so happy you did not adopt….particularly for the child.
jazz said on November 22, 2010
I was a dopted I know what its like…its not judgemental is true…think about the kids when you adopt. My parents were in their late forties, and my childhood was hell and not to mention embarrasing. They were just to old to do anything, they were ready to settle down when I was in my teens. I was their slave for cooking, cleaning ….you name it, I had to do .There was never any time to play and just be a child. Now I’m an only child having to care for both of them plus my kidsby myself, as my husband was killed 2 yrs ago in a car accident.By the way Melodyanne….I am a very nice person…but I’ve been there…have you? and yes I am a wonderful person, according to all the people in my life…your opinion just doesn’t matter…the people who I love…its there opinions that count…..and by the way I have 2 kids of my own and twins that I adopted when I was 32(NOT 53) and they are all wonderful. So give me a break…..my kids are awesome, cause I was young enough to do things with them and be with them all the time whenthey needed me to be.
SecretID58 said on November 22, 2010
My parent was an older person and I am also adopted. If your parents are ill and can not care for themselves, they should go to an assisted living center. Insist on it and don’t take no for an answer. If anyone tries to tell you that you should not be insistent about their going to an assisted living or a nursing home, tell they to go to h@&! I agree it is too much for a younger person to care for older people. Too many people see their children as little servants and it’s just not right. I think Tobiasusa is too old to adopt a baby. She should adopt an older child. I have sent my comments to her in a private message.
melodyanne said on November 23, 2010
Well..Ive got interesting news for both of you…It doesnt matter HOW old your parents are when you are born..they will still eventually get OLD…and it also doesnt matter whether you are young or older when that happens..its still very difficult. My mother and father were young when they had me..but I still have to take care of my mother now that shes older. Im sorry..but I just flat out dont agree with either of you..Each and every case is unique..and this preconceived notion that Tobias wants to adopt now because she is looking for a care taker IS a judgemental call..Neither of you know nothing of her situation..nothing at all..for all you know she is financially able to care for herself when she needs that kind of care…Neither of you knows…
I WAS an older mother when I adopted my daughter..and I can tell you now…AGE has ZERO to do with health…heck I look 20 years younger than some of the “younger” mothers I see..I am in better physical shape than a lot of them.
It amazes me that either of you feel “qualified” to tell ANYONE whether they should adopt or not. Just because you had a “bad” situation Jazz…does not mean that all adopted children are going to share your experience. And how horribly shallow and pathetic that you were “embarrased” because the people who tried to give you a home were not “young” enough for you… truly pathetic. I suppose if they had been in their 20’s and obese that would have been more appealing to you..or perhaps if they looked like Brad and Angelina…
And Yes..I have “been” there…as I said..I have two adopted kids right now..and oddly enough..they dont seem to be the least bit bothered by my appearance or age…But hey…thanks for asking..
SecretID58 said on November 23, 2010
I can see you feel slighted in some way by the opinions Jazz and I have but I do think we address some very real issues concerning adopting. It is unfortunate that when you post on a forum you only see the words and don’t hear or see the expressions of the person who is posting. This, I feel, leads to people thinking others are judging a situation harshly. I am not doing that. But I am attempting to present a realistic point of view that come from my experience as an adopted person. And I think Tobiasusa wants all the opinions, both for or against her potential adoption. Otherwise she would not have posted on this forum.
For the record, maybe Jazz was embrassed by the appearance of her mother, but I was not. I responded to the core ideas Jazz was expressing. ELDER CARE IS A REAL ISSUE AND SHOULD BE ADDRESSED WHEN YOU ARE BECOMING A MOTHER AT 52. It is extremely difficult to be a caretaker to an aging parent when you (the child) are in the 20 to 30 year old range! It is a burden no young person should have to experience. It is horrible to be a young person having to make health and medical decisions for an aging parent. When you are young you are supposed to be exploring YOURSELF, finding out what you ant to do with your OWN life, starting your OWN family and experiencing your own life free of the complication of elder care. These are important stages human beings should experience. Like it or not, it is entirely possible for Tobiasusa’s adopted child to have elder care issued when they are in their early 20’s! Even though younger people have health problems, and while some people may be in good health at 70 plus (or even 50), there is a greater chance that they may develop issues at that age. Jazz may think Tobias wants a caretaker and she is entitled to her opinion. But IMO the chance is realistically greater that her child will become a caretaker! I think you are sensitive to this issue because you are an older mother. I hope you have made plans like having long term care insurance. But it’s not just the money – it’s the emotional difficulties that follow. It is a very real issue whether you have a child or not.
I feel qualified to tell anyone about adoption because I AM adopted. I’ve graduated from Adoption University – The college of life experience! There is no book you can read to instinctively feel what it is like to be adopted. The adopted have problems that you can not imagine. I could start a topic on so many issues concerning adoption that it would take me a LONG time not to repeat myself. I am sincerely happy that things are going well for you and the children you adopted. People don’t see so many things about being adopted because they often can’t hear the silent subtext that society says about it. We who are adopted hear it LOUDLY!
April…You are incorrect..I dont feel slighted in the least..truly…I just dont agree with either of you. Its difficult to take anything Jazz says seriously when she throws in comments like..”why adopt from Russia”…That has nothing to do with the topic at all…and frankly I cant imagine what difference it makes? A child needing a home..is a child needing a home..I dont see which country that child coming from having any importance at all…Love is love. I am also amazed at the resentment you both seem to carry ..(most particularly Jazz) towards being adopted and/or your adopted parents. If your bio parents gave you up..which most obviously they did…then what alternative to adoption would you have preferred? Living in an orphanage? foster care? on the street? I mean seriously. You seem to feel ALL adopted children feel this silent subtext…etc etc. All these comments tell me is that both of you are still thinking in a generation that has passed…long passed..Society today thinks absolutely nothing about whether a child is adopted or not…there is no stigma..Good grief..in todays mixed families of step brothers and sisters…parents of the same sex…divorced..remarried and sometimes remarried again..there is NO judgement about who came from where or why. My brother was adopted…he is probably of your generation and he has talked about it before and could care less….he was just always happy to have two loving parents and a happy loving family. This truly is my last post on this subject…but I can tell you now..that being old is more mental than anything else…and your way of thinking is quite dated really…
Im sorry that you had a hard time with being adopted…it seems to me you were lucky..to have had people who so wanted you enough to pay for your clothes food etc…to go thru the vigorous process of adoption and to call you ‘their child’..Its not an easy process you know. But your doubts etc..should not be transferred to anyone elses situation…it is your alone..so this “We who are adopted..” nonsense..is just that…NONSENSE. When a person starts believing that their situation and their feelings are true for everyone..its a mess you shouldnt create.
My advise to Tobias is simply to follow her heart..do the best to make her vision a reality..be wise..and take into consideration all aspects..but in the end to realize that every situation is unique..and somewhat of a crap shoot…but can be well worth it in the end for both parties. |
As for Jazz…before she throws her opinion into the ring..I ask that she takes the time to know what shes talking about…I do..and i can tell you that the children who are NOT adopted in Russia..dont always fare very well…not well at all…they want to be adopted..they want a chance..a home etc. Althought things are getting much better in Russia..when we adopted it was a bleak situation for the children in orphanges who were never adopted ..very bleak. So though its none of your business at all..where I adopted from..at least do some research before you make an idiotic comment like “why Russia?”
You have said a lot. Your last posting specifically pointed to a lot of things that bother adoptees. I’m going to try and address them point by point.
Jazz has her own feelings and her own experiences. I have mine. You seem to think that my parents were just like hers. The only thing we agree on is how difficult it is to have sick, elderly parents you have to care for when you are young. I don’t have any strong feelings about international adoptions. It is my understanding that people adopt internationally because it can be so difficult to adopt in the USA.
What is offensive to me is when someone says an adoptee is “lucky” to be adopted. Children should be cared for by adults. It is a natural right, a human right and a crime against society to neglect children. Someone should care for a child. Lucky IMO implies that there is a choice to care or not to care for a child. For me it is immoral to not take care of a child.
Also I think what you may be hearing is the particular subtext of adult adoptees in our age group. I do however feel all adoptees have a subtext about adoption. They may just not talk about it with you, or you have never met anyone who revealed it to you. Woman who would be the appropriate age to be my mother were basically abused by society. They were not allowed to keep their children. The children and their biological mother were considered immoral outcasts. So many adoptees (both child and mother) are trying to find each other, their family medical history etc. And many adoptees today have issue with the fact that adoption records are sealed, that they lose their original birth certificate. This is why open adoption is becoming more popular. And for the record I am AGAINST open adoption. It’s another can of worms that has the potential to be a kettle of trouble for everyone involved. I’m the product of an open adoption. I am FOR the free access and opening of adoption records when the child reaches the age of adulthood and not before that time.
I still say that I think it is better to adopt an older child if you are an older person. I also think it is better (in the case of an older mother who may pass away) for a child to have a short period of great love and parenting rather than none at all. But IMO the preferred choice is an older child for an older parent. Why do you think I have to be angry because I believe that is the best option? Not necessarily the only option but the BEST option.
Robin Bird said on November 25, 2010
I applaud you on your honesty. I really wish adoptive parents would listen to adoptees, as well as other adoptive parents. Adoptees will all have different experiences, as they are different people with different circumstances. There are plenty of adoption listservs out there that include both adoptees and adoptive parents that are very helpful.
As I’ve said before, education is very important. While one must follow one’s heart, one must also follow logic and common sense. It should always be in the “best interests of the child”. The child’s welfare should ALWAYS come first. The most important issue should be that children are found good homes with competent agencies who are ethical… and therein lies another serious issue…
SecretID58 said on November 27, 2010
I appreciate your kind words and I thank you for them. I do firmly believe when it comes to parenting of any kind, biological or adoption, the child’s welfare should come first. To many people become parents mainly to satisfy some need within themselves that should be fulfilled in another way. There is a lot of selflessness involved in becoming a parent. People who have not been adopted, even in today’s world, often do not understand what it is like. I particularly hate that “you are/were so lucky” thing that many people feel about adopted people. It’s so insulting. People never tell biological children that they are lucky that their parents cared for them. Being adopted is an experience that involves so many things. It takes a very open person to see the subtext that this society puts out. For instance, many people feel adopted children are an inferior choice to biological children. Why do I say this? Because people would rather 2nd mortgage their home to have a child than simply adopt one. Have you ever noticed how people talk about adopting children? It’s something you have to listen for and what you hear is often insulting and cruel. It’s so engrained in our society, people don’t even notice what they are saying!
jazz said on November 24, 2010
Amen!…thank-you April for writing this. Its nice that another person adopted like myself shares my opinion. Melodyanee you’re kinda in la la land with some of your thoughts.Some of them are totally unrealistic. Age has everything to do with it whether you choose to think so or not. I really think you should do more research instead of just comparing everything to what going on with you only.
Wake up my friend Melodanne, most of what you’re saying is way out here. Have you ever been adopted Melodanne?…probably not . You really don’t know as much as you think then. I am not resentful at all. I was merely stating the facts. I wondered why adopt in Russia, when there is so many kids here without families. Thats what I said, and once again you took it out of context. You just don’t get what we are saying. Understandably so, you’ve never been there.
pats said on November 21, 2010
you are so right melodyann, your key words are IF YOU ARE STRONG AND HEALTHY…. And I think we are all saying that in around about way.. Great two cent worth!!Thanks And she is right tobi, follow your heart, but just be aware of the challenges and I am sure you are. I
I adopted when I was 41 and 45 I am now 52 and I do love it My first child is sort of issue free for an 11 yr old and my son who just turned 9 has many many issues, as some of you have helped me through, It has been wonderful but very tiring. I had, but hopefully finishing up my menopause, if that is possible, and it was very hard. They do keep me young and gray!!!lol, but the days that are without incident ARE AWESOME!!! So really follow your heart!! lot of love and luck with your decision.
shimmy said on November 19, 2010
After just watching the “Blind Side” I would say adopt an older child! I am a healthy 59 year young grandmother of 5 and the situation for a couple of my grandchildren was that I helped raise them until the situations changed. I must say that it was exhausting but very rewarding. At almost 60 I feel good about the burden being lightened a little bit lately. I will always have a loving bond with them and am so glad to have been able to be “grandmother.” We are very important in the lives of children. My own dear parents and grandparents passed away when I was teen and twenties, but I had my childhood with my grandparents only a couple of blocks away and I adored them and feel that they were an important part of me and my success and strength as an adult. However, nothing can compare to the absolute heartbreak and complete lonliness I experienced of losing them so young. I also believe my children missed out on what a grandparent can provide. Every child need a family! I always wanted to adopt a family of children so they would not be torn apart by the system but it did not work out for me. You might also look into the organizations that help children who have no parents. It is very rewarding! There are so many children right here in America that are in horrible situations that way. Just my thoughts on it. Hope they help. Good luck to you!
rubytuesday said on November 19, 2010
I am 59 1/2:) I am still raising a little girl I got through foster care @ 4 1/2 mos, she is 14 1/2 yrs old now. Many teens that were adopted will have “adoption issues”. Many were drug & alcohol exposed prenatally even before birth mom knew she was pregnant. Even with normal IQ or gifted, they may have social/emotional delays up to 50% their chronological age and impulsivity, behavioral and sensory issues consistent w/ FASD. There is much mental illness in this population, some using substances to self-medicate, chemical dependency and bipolar(manic depression) run in families. Some are very vulnerable and never independent. Divorce stats are high if you do ever consider a partner. You may want to retire and with a special-needs child that may not be an option. You will not know if there are mild FASD characteristics until the child is in third or fouth grade, and learning becomes more abstract unless there are behavioral issues. Sometimes mental illness comes out in puberty. Be sure you have a community of support. It can be lonely since most older parents are done with this stage, except a few raising grandkids.
Hi Tobiausa: I am 51 and have also been thinking about a child except I have kids 28, 26, 18 and 14 and will be an empty nester in 4 years. I am investigating FOSTER PARENTING vs Adoption. With Foster Parenting the minimum amount of time the child will be with you …my understanding is 5 mo’s..and a maximum of ???. I am looking specifically at children ages 10 and up. As in 8 years I will be 59 years old; that is old enough for me. You may want consider what everyone else is saying. Definitely ADOPT or FOSTER and older child. They are out of diapers and you only need after school child care until you get home from work.
I support your decision… DO IT…but ensure it’s a child that will be 18 or older when you are in your senior years.
rubytuesday said on November 24, 2010
It varies by state, school-age kids I had usually finish out the school year. They are often taken from parents in Oct though holidays, when the school picks up there are problems in the home. They are returned to parents, family members (often dysfunctional), or placed in Fost to Adopt or Adoptive homes if parental rights are terminated. Most states need to find permanant homes ASAP.
Some were for just for a few months while parents were in drug rehab, doing parenting classes, or in jail for drugs. You will have no say about, when or if, they are returned to birth-parents or transfered to a different county to make visitation easier. I never figured out how to be a good parent without falling in Love with them, so there was frequent greiving when they leave. They don’t get good mental health services if any.
The teens are harder to keep up with, than younger school age, and often have more issues. In terms of being aware of what they are doing 24/7 and keeping them from getting pregnant or in legal trouble. I would not trust a troubled teen unsupervised, you need to be aware of their friends and what they do on free time. They may have no bond with you and few will feel grateful, you will have to be OK with that, and things may get stolen or pawned etc. These are not usually middle-class kids (although many are) but they all have lived in survival mode most of their lives, and it is not always pretty nor safe. Many have FASD and can be high-functioning. I have had 8 foster kids over the years, step, and 3 grown birth-kids.They are now ages 14-40 yrs.
natcha said on November 28, 2010
I haven’t been following this for a while and it’s interesting to see how much heat it’s generated. The recent posts have been very practical and, again, eyes wide open! I’m the one who adopted my (only) son when I was 50 and he was 10. The emotional and financial resources that have been required in nurturing him out of his neglected and abused background have been tremendous and I’m fortunate that I own a successful consulting company and was able to do so. Perhaps maturity helps in this regard.
At the same time, I understand the compulsion to raise a child – despite some true and very scary hardships, I’d repeat our process in a heartbeat. BUT I’m not single. I’d take small steps. When people ask me about adopting older children, I suggest – as others have – that you foster initially, like living together before marriage. And while you’re pondering, why not become a big sister to a little girl? (But do keep in mind that that is nothing like raising them! It just takes it a wee step out of the theoretical zone.)
Beth said on November 29, 2010
Kudos to you Ellen. Sorry, but the fostering part initially, like living together before marriage? I for one do not go for that practice. You either are married or not….not something we try on for size or comfot. Being a parent is the same, not matter how the child is when you adopt him. I know there is a “trial period” when you adopt. Too bad the law does not offer that with the marriage laws….wait, wait…that is called an annulment.
pats said on December 1, 2010
Well Beth I think fostering is great! that is fostering to adopt! If the child does not like the family they are placed with then they can opt to go to another home. This is the nice thing about choosing the foster to adopt route. They same goes for the parents who adopt children/child who for whatever the reason did not know the grand picture of kids and their issues can opt to help transition the child to another home. I guess the bottom line is why should a child stay in a home who’s adopted parents have no love for them and maybe become abusive or neglectful. When you look at biological children with abusive parents/family they have no out. They have to take it until some sees their situation and report it.
Beth said on December 2, 2010
Fostering is great. It is what it is…a temporary care of a child. It amazes me that people have such lofty expectations of what parenthood is and when it gets down to it, fail at the real heart of the matter…being able to nuture another human being with unconditional love and having the mental as well as the physical fortitude to carry it through. Just my opinion….I guess how I was raised.
Dorris Bach said on December 4, 2010
I was in a second marriage and 45 when I adopted a baby. It was totally unplanned, and since its a whole other story to say an unplanned adoption, we won’t go there. But I can talk about being old enough to be your baby’s grandmother instead of mother.In fact, don’t get offended when people think its your grandchild. Because when your going to the kindegarten school program at 55 that is what they will think. And when all the other mothers in your daughters class are worrying about how to get their figures back, you will be washing away gray hairs. Then there is all the school functions, that you will be the age of the other kids grandparents. Enough on that.
You will feel a lot more in control of things, and wiser, and calmer than all the other moms of newborns, because you are. At our age, we have our priorities straight. We know ourselves, so we can focus on our child. But be careful, as a single parent, and older, as I now am, we can tend to over focus too, because we don’t have as many diversions as a busy younger mom.
Finally, there is the ability to just keep up. And when you refer to -when I was a child – like we start to do as they are teenagers, mine is 13 now – they will ask what century that was.
Do I regret my decisions about adopting at my age? Not for a second! Would I do it over again, if I knew then what I know now? I’m not sure. But thats really because of a nasty divorce, and nothing about my daughter. She fills my life with joy.
Adoption comes with a whole other rule book as well. And age isn’t a chapter ever covered. Good luck.
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