I never normally consider myself frail and incapable, but the other day, I had an experience that forced me to take serious stock of the situation.
Don't Offer me Your Seat!
Here’s the thing. I’m a young-ish looking sixty-three, with white hair gelled into spikes. My neck is no longer what it was, so it’s obvious I’m not a spring chicken. But I work out, I lift weights, and I have quite well defined arms and shoulders. I love nice clothes, well applied make-up (but not too much of it) and slightly funky accessories. So I think I look pretty good. For my age. And in general. Anyway, that’s what I keep being told.
Well, the other day, I was in the London Underground, and all the seats were taken, so I was leaning comfortably against one of the partitions by the door. Sitting in the seat next to the door – yes, in that one: the one that’s reserved for people carrying heavy weights or who have difficulty standing – was a really nice looking young man. He was very nice looking indeed, actually, and I was idly (but not obviously) admiring him. And then he got up and offered me his seat.
To say I was taken aback is the understatement of the year. I was utterly horrified. And I didn’t know what to do: either gracefully accept, thus confirming his perception of me as an elderly female person incapable of standing up on her own, or churlishly decline, thereby hurting the feelings of a nice, polite, well brought up, kind young man.
I should say at this point that all the best bits of me (like my well defined arms and shoulders) that might have told my prince charming that I was fit – in every sense of the term – (as well as my neck, which would have told him the opposite) happened to be covered that day because, although it was June, it was not flaming. In fact, it was 52 degrees Fahrenheit, so I was warmly dressed for April.
But never mind how I was dressed! What was it that told this lovely young man that I was frail and incapable and in need of a ruddy seat? My white hair, that’s what!
And since when has white hair automatically meant that a woman is frail and incapable? Since forever! And white hair automatically means other things, too. White hair prompts people to regard you with pity and call you ‘Dear’. White hair means people assume you don’t work. White hair means they imagine you can’t find your way in a busy metropolis because you’re so frail and incapable, you must be bewildered, too. White hair means people assume you’re a-sexual. And white hair means shop assistants in some of my favourite clothes stores make disapproving faces when I try on up-to-date stuff, even though it looks great (and even though I certainly know the difference between mutton and lamb).
So let me tell you: White Hair is Power! Furthermore, the letter D stands, not for ‘Dear’, but for Director of my own business. And if a good looking young man should dare offer me his seat in the Underground again, I’ll do what I did this time. Smile broadly and thank him profusely. Even though I’m seething inside!
What does white hair mean to you?
I had to chuckle because misery loves company! I've been in a funk for days now. I call all these types of things "the mosquitos" of life. It's like one more thing and you're going to pull the trigger. What I hate and this seems to apply to m
Oh my gosh! I felt your inner pain ... and I apologize for the fact that when I got to the part about setting your hair on fire, I laughed. I'm so glad you weren't hurt, and hair grows back. Perhaps a new hair-do would not only rectify the situation 
There is no such thing as a legal separation in my state..The only way I can get husband out of the house is to force him out..He refuses to leave..I would have to file for divorce and get temporary orders including a restraining order..
I feel so
Maybe he offered it to you out of respect and not because he thought you were frail looking when you obviously aren’t.
I, too, have white hair at the age of 58. What you must realize is he was brought up properly – a gentleman always gives up his seat to a woman! Perhaps he wanted to start a conversation with you. Lighten up
Well ………I know I sound like a deathly serious bore about this — ! It’s interesting about seat giving-up. Since the arrival of feminism, it’s very rare to see anyone give up their seat on public transport here in the UK, even to pregnant women. Those who do it tend to be from other countries — especially the Mediterranean. So the age of chivalry is pretty moribund here. And it’s pretty unlikely that someone of 20 would want to start a conversation with someone my age — though maybe that’s a lack of imagination on my part!
It’s very possible, and of course it’s great when young men (or men of any age for that matter) have good manners — but I suppose my point is that I didn’t want to be offered a seat and didn’t actually need one. I think now that we tend to become elderly later in life than before, the way people perceive we white-haired women has a lot of catching up to do. So ‘respect’ for somebody with white hair would ideally mean figuring out whether they really needed to sit down or not. Difficult, I know!!
I’m 59, so close to your age. I would have only thought it mannerly and maybe he thought you wanted his seat and that was why you were looking at him (instead of appreciating the scenery ). You look great…I would just have responded, “Thanks so much, but I’m good.” Nice to know there are some youth with manners around. My sons both would have offered you a seat….even if you were in your 30′s.
You’re probably right that he may have thought I was looking at him because I wanted his seat. These days I look at the ceiling or the floor instead in order to avoid misunderstandings. Your sons sound lovely — and of course I do usually do as you suggest. The trouble is that people are often offended or taken aback if you decline the seat. But I guess my point is that there’s a mis-match between how fit people of my age with white hair actually are and how we are perceived. People with white hair tend to be treated as old old when, in fact, they’re not.
How do we know what another person’s perception is and why does it matter? I’m not being a smart ass, I just don’t get it right now.
No sorry, I think you’re making too much of this white hair meaning age thing. I think it’s just good manners .
When I was child growing up and going to school on the bus, I was told to always give up my seat to any woman older than me. Now I didn’t do it for a teenager. But someone with heavy bags or carrying a child..
I would love to be stronger, maybe I should take some classes with a trainer to build myself up more. as far as my neck, I took care of that with a fantastic anti-aging product. I went from goose neck to svelte…lol
Ooh……do share the fantastic product!
Karen, please…we are waiting for the name of that fantastic anti-aging product!!!
It’s amazing how this issue really divides people. Some people say I’m making too much of it, like you, and some women who have had a very similar experience and have taken aback by it really like it that others understand their dilemma.
old, that is what it means to me.
White hair is power??? Not nice to stereotype, but typically most people seeing white hair don’t think youth, vibrant, funky, hot! You may be all of that and more, but it isn’t the white hair that does it! I’m sure it doesn’t have to be a dilemma if you don’t want it to be.
Sandi, I just looked at your photo, and you’ve got the most gorgeous dark hair and are youthful, so though I hope you’re right and the issue of white hair doesn’t have to produce the sort of dilemma that I’ve described, I wonder whether your opinion might change once your hair changes colour!
Enjoyed your little story, unfortunately I do not have white hair, mine is still the 50 shades of grey variety which actually ages you much more that a sparkling head of white hair.
Did a few sit-ups and push-ups after reading how fit you are. Will re-read again tomorrow, perhaps this is the impetus I need to get off my a….
I do find exercise mighty boring, but I get up at six each day and force myself to either go for a brisk two mile walk or else if it’s raining I get on the cross-trainer. The only way I can keep the cross-trainer going is to watch breakfast news. But it’s really made me feel a lot fitter than I was, and I like the feeling that I can cross my legs without difficulty!
Get over it! Change your attitude!
I have white hair, long and worn in a French braid or a bun with a large clip. I am so lucky to have thick hair and a good colour of white. I use a shampoo to keep it sparkly. I surely have stereotypical reactions, but I don’t buy into them.
What annoys me the most is walking on the sidewalk, being invisible. I find that I have to hold my ground just to stay on the sidewalk, at times.
But I also see that other women with long, gray/white hair are developing a signal of mutual recognition (like Harley riders) just recognizing the attitude of daring to be outside the old box.
It’s not my problem! Fear of aging, death or senility evokes a negative reaction from some people.
BTW I’m 73 and teach seniors how to use computers.
Hi Kathryn, I like the notion that women are developing a signal of mutual recognition. How would I know it if I saw it? I’d like to try it here!
I started ‘turning gray’ in my 20s. By 40 I was totally white-headed and used a special purple shampoo to make my hair really shine. I got so many compliments on my lovely hair.
About the age of 45 the layoffs at work began. I decided coloring my hair would leave more to the imagination when it came to my age in case I had to job hunt.
Here I am at 54, and sure enough the unemployment fairie came knocking at my door this last spring and the job hunt began. Fortunately my face was younger than my years and with my blonde hair, no one questioned my ability to work towards retirement
Now that I have secured another position, I plan, in the next year, to let my hair go back to its natural state. I miss my white
My Mom always taught us that her hair was silver. Now that I’m almost seventy that feels really good. too bad the drivers licenses don’t have a silver column under hair!
It seems amazing that the drivers’ license column doesn’t have silver as a hair colour. Perhaps you could lobby for it to be included!
It’s too bad that you had to disguise your lovely hair colour to find a new job. That’s just the trouble — I suspect if I’d coloured my hair my young man wouldn’t have offered me his seat! I’m glad you’re going back to white, and I envy you that you can use that purple shampoo — I seem to be allergic to it.
I think this young man was just being mannerly…but if not and he thought you were “frail”, we need to change this perception. I am 66 and totally white and love it…I wear it short and I get lots of compliments…I wouldnt say I am all that fit although I am working at it, but my mind is sassy and strong and if this happened to me and I didnt want to sit,….I would just say “Hey, thanks, but I am fine.” We need to show all the generations younger than us that this is a new and different age and so are we new and different from our mothers or grandmothers. Just sayin…
My hair’s been white since I was in my 30s, and I’m allergic to hair color. I have never thought it makes me look old, and I still don’t, at 65. If someone acts as if I’m a frail little old lady, frankly, I just think they’re ignorant. Why waste my great attitude fretting over them? Someone gave me that attitude at the gym, where I work out much harder than most younger women because I enjoy being strong and healthy.
Other’s opinions are their problem, not mine!
I really admire your attitude! I guess the difficulty is that sometimes the things people do or say where perceptions of ageing are concerned mean that one has to respond somehow. I’d be interested to know how you handle it?
I just tell them I’m lucky not to have to go to a colorist to get beautiful hair! I’m often asked where I get my color done, in fact. I recently went to a pixie cut, since I work out every day, and I wanted a quick wash-and-wear style. Since then, people have told me I look just like Michelle Williams, or asked if she was my inspiration!
I started getting silver strands at 13, my dad at 9, so iearly “silvering” is hereditary. The only time that I actually colored it was in college when I had a huge Afro…grey strands were not “cool” back then. I chose not to color it any more after I cut my Afro short for a few years, then decided to relax it and move into Corporate America. Years later, a job loss had a very serious effect on my finances so I allowed my hair to revert to its natural state without relaxers, so I became a “natural woman” keeping my hair pulled back in a bun most of the time. At the age of 40, I accidentally became a model (now THAT’S an interesting story!) being told that the show producer needed older models. That was at the beginning of the era when advertisers started recognizing us Baby-Boomers as significant contributors to the bottom lines of retailers. I became sought after BECAUSE of my greeting hair and get most of my bookings now because of it. There are time when I am told that my face and hair don’t match, and I explain that many of us (like Jan King) have taken good care of ourselves and are healthy and young-looking. I have come to understand that so many younger people are starting to notice us and ask us how they can look as good as we do when they get to be our age. That’s when we can be proud of our age and maturity and become the role models that many young women need in so many ways today. I’m LOVING IT! You should see some the comments on one of my (big hair) Facebook pictures! So many admire the silvering hair. I am SO looking forward to becoming totally silver!
P.S. I am 60 years old.
You look absolutely gorgeous, and I love the idea that you’re out there being an ambassador for good looking mature women. I’m really excited by the growing interest in using women of our age as models, and the other day I met a fab looking model who puts on fashion shows. When I told her that walking down a catwalk was one of the things on my bucket list, she said she could help me with that, so I’m hoping that some day soon I’ll be realising one of my dreams!
I totally agree!