I have an acronym I recommend my patients use when they’re deciding whether to surgically alter their face or body. I call it S.A.F.E.
S stands Safety. Are you going to somebody who’s board certified? Are you jumping on the newest fad or are you considering something that has had some proof over time?
A stands for Affordability. People can get caught up in the youthful craze and forget that these things are very costly and they’re not covered by insurance. And it can be a slippery slope. You know how once you redo your rug, your furniture looks ugly? It’s the same with your body.
F stands for For, as in, “Who is this procedure being done for?” Are you doing it because the woman next door to you has just done it and she looks good? Because your husband is looking at other women? Because you’re competing with your daughter?
E stands for Expectations. Think about whether your expectations are realistic. Thinking about this might even lead you away from a procedure. A woman I was working with for a long time was about to get her face done, so I said, “Just give us a little time to talk about this.” As she talked, she realized that she thought getting her face done would enable her to meet a man. And the more we talked, the clearer it became that she really just wanted to feel happier. After a couple of sessions, she started to think about what would make her happy, and she discovered that she WAS happy, just embarrassed to smile because she had bad teeth. So she ended up talking about having her teeth capped instead of have her face done.
We have to get a little more realistic that aging is a natural process. It will happen to everyone. You don’t need a psychologist to say this, but I was a model. When I was in my 20s, I was in advertisements directed toward women who were in their 30s. And there is no hiding the fact that we are surrounded by images that are unrealistic and unattainable. You cannot be that airbrushed. And if women put themselves in the position of feeling like they’re measuring against that culture, then there’s a no-win situation.
The toughest part for me, as an adult who has put my difficult childhood behind me, is dealing with family members who are in denial about anything being amiss about how we were raised and the impact this has had on our on-going relationships.
W
Oil of Olay moisturizer. I have had dry skin since I was in my 20's. Now that I am in my 60's.....Oy! I have always used some type of Oil of Olay moisturizer. I am now using the Age Defying creams, and like them alot. Oh, and Chap Stick under
ReginaLove, that is SO great to hear! As for soy, it may help with menopause symptoms -- it it controversial. The best way to use soy is in the form of whole fermented soy foods (miso, tempeh, tamari and natto). Non-fermented soy foods such as soy mi
Agreed. I never thought I was vain until I had a mastectomy at age 39. I was devastated and told the doc I wanted to wake up with implants. Now at age 60, I am lopsided and wondering if I was just avoiding the inevitable. You get what you get and you
Sounds very interesting.
Vivian: I have been trying to reach you for a week now. I even sent you an e-mail. What’s up with not responding? Anyway, my feeling towards plastic surgery is and has always been – JUST SAY NO!!! To me – plastic surgery is the new drug of choice for midlifers who don’t want to accept that they are – indeed – getting older. You can’t change that. EVERYONE and everything gets older. Most older things get better – wine, cheese, women, song. Why fight it? As I’ve said before – and I’ll say again – older people – men and women – are BEAUTIFUL when they age naturally. Their faces reflect the lives they’ve led and tell a story that only they can tell. Why look like a space alien when you can be unique all in yourself?
I have not received any emails from you and only now saw your response to this piece here today. So, sorry. I agree with what you wrote. But I try to approach the choices women make, (including plastic surgery), without judgment. I see too many women being too self critical, that I don’t want to add to it. Rather, I hope women can become more aware of what is behind their choices and understand the consequences. Take a look at some of the other comments on other pieces about this issue on VN. Many women are voicing similar sentiments to yours. It’s been an interesting conversation. Strong women, strong opinions. It’s refreshing.
I am proud of my face and its character. I’m not thrilled with the giant puffy bags under my eyes. My Dad had them – and now I do. I WOULD consider doing something about them – but I’m told there’s really no good solution. They make me feel very self conscious – and I usually feel pretty good about myself.
I’m considering plastic surgery in the form of a tummy tuck. I’ve lost 50 pounds and am 63. I know I don’t have much in the way of elasticity and feel that with a tummy tuck I’ll look healthier and feel better about myself.
My advice? Just make sure your doctor tells you all that is involved and that he/she speaks to you about it in a very personalized way. Ask about anesthesia, recovery time, fees, follow up, etc. You deserve to know everything. Sometimes surgeons minimize what these procedures entail beforehand, assuming women know what to expect. And when women don’t ask, sometimes they feel surprised, disappointed and frustrated with the whole experience. Even the phrase ‘tummy tuck’ can be misleading by how simple is sounds and it is not. It is a permanent surgical procedure that requires an experienced physician. This is not like capping a tooth, or coloring your hair. Also, remember the slippery slope aspect of plastic surgery. Once you do work on one part of your body, sometimes it leads to feeling that other areas need “updating” too.
On the positive side, this procedure has been around for many, many years and has been performed safely millions of times. Many women feel that after losing weight, they would like to be proud of their bodies and getting loose skin tightened surgically can lead to satisfying results. Get informed ahead of time and have realistic expectations going into a tummy tuck. And most importantly, find a surgeon that has done this procedure safely with good results. Best of luck and let us know how it turns out. We all deserve to enjoy our appearance and how we go about that is our personal choice.
I am considering a face lift, in particular neck and chin. I have been using botox and facial fillers and I love the results. It looks very natural and people comment on how nice my “skin” looks, what are you using? It is not so obvious, but it definitely looks better. i am 59 and i work full time in surgery as an RN. It is important to find a board certified Plastic surgeon and look at their pictures, they all have them, of their before and after surgeries.
If you love the results of facial fillers and botox, why not just continue them? Just keep reading about their long term safety and update yourself about other even more beneficial procedures. The reaction most women have who have undergone these non-invasive dermatological procedures is positive, in that they tend to keep their natural features in tact. They say they look healthier, less tired and more vibrant, rather than different. Remember that when you undergo a face-lift, you are handing your appearance over to someone who is being asked to alter it. Our appearance is a visual image we have become accustomed to and it can be very disorienting when it changes. Keep in mind that a face-lift is not intended to create perfection, which is an expectation that leads to disappointment. And, it is permanent. If you have weighed the risks and benefits, then you are prepared to make a choice that suits your needs.
Even though the results from the fillers are good, I have a lot of chin and neck issues going on. that is what I need to have fixed surgically.
Don’t forget, I work in surgery, so I have some pretty realistic expectations.
Do you work in the area of plastic surgery? Do you have knowledge from inside the operating room that you could share with VN? Pros and cons? The more we know, the better choices we can make. Plastic surgeons often talk about the magic they can produce (and clearly sometimes they do). Surgeons can be very enthusiastic about their results, but forget that each person is different and there is a great deal of psychology behind these procedures that have to be taken into account. I don’t believe it’s only about money for them, since I have found some doctors are truly excited about what they have to offer. But it would be great to hear from a more objective point of view.
These post are very beneficial, helpful and I am impressed with the mature and balanced view points. I am wondering what the long term risk are in “fillers” and what exactly that is referring to? Are you talking about products such as Restylane? If so, does anyone have any specific experience or recommendations regarding fillers….pro and cons?
I agree that it would be very helpful to hear from those who work in the field of plastic surgery - someone who is willing to give honest viewpoints, not clouded by monetary gain. Having gone through a facelift myself, I think that it is important to address the psychological aspects behind these procedures. That is something that is not addressed much in the surgeon’s office, but does exist. Our expectations are usually pretty high and Dr. Diller, I think it was an important reminder that you gave that a facelift will not give you perfection, that does not exist. Although I am happy with my results, I went through a great deal and was surprised at the emotional aspects of a Facelift. I know there are women out there that breeze through it all…but 2 of my friends also were surprised that it was more then they thought it would be. I will not have any more surgery, but may consider Retylane in a couple of areas.
I had a Facelift, browift and a small chin implant a year and a half ago. My experience was that this surgery was much more then I expected. I had a very good surgeon, board certified, and experienced for many, many years and well respected in his field. The recovery takes longer then they tell you. I would say you can expect numbness and an unnatural feeling for as long as a year. I was 64 when I had the surgery and I believe the older you are the slower your body is to heal. You can carry swelling in your face for up to a year as well. I personally have known two other women, and their experience was similar to mine. They also were in their 60′s. I am happy with the results, athough on some days, when I am tired, I can still feel my face swell slightly. Are the results worth it? I don’t know, I look better and younger, but I feel I went through a lot for these results. There is also a psychological aspect to plastic surgery that no-one talks about. You can feel somewhat emotionally fragile for awhile most people will not tell you if it was a mistake or what they really think, so you need to do it for yourself, not others.. Surgery is surgery and any type of surgery can leave you feeling that way. Now that I am healed, I am happy, but it is a serious decision and should not be taken lightly. Everyone reacts differently to this surgery. I know my post is confusing because it sounds like I am discouraging someone from having Plastic Surgery, but I am actually just wanting anyone considering this surgery to realize it is not an “easy as pie” procedure and you should consider that and weigh it against how important it is to you. I imagine women who are younger may recover faster and easier, so age and attitude also play a part in your recovery. Dr. Vivian’s post is balanced and fair. It is most important to know why you are having this surgery deep within yourself. I think I thought it would make me happier and more satisified with my appearance. I think on some levels it has accompished that, but I am still who I am, with the same insecurities that I have always had. I hope this post helps someone see this surgery in a realistic way before deciding to have it. I am not saying don’t have it, I am saying be realistic about the expectations.
I am 63 years old and had a facelift last September and was pleasantly surprised at the recovery time. I had eyelift, lower facelift and liposuction under my chin. I went to a Board Certified person in a town 2 1/2 hours from me. I went in the night before, stayed in his over-night suites, taken to surgery early the next morning. I came back to the suite where my husband stayed with me and we had immediate access to doctors and nurses until 6 p.m. that evening. Before the doctor left to go home he came in and checked on me, gave my husband his cell phone and even called later in the evening to see how I was doing. The next morning, the bandages were removed and I returned home to recuperate. I had not pain, took mendication as was directed and didn’t wait for discomfort to set in. It took 15 years off my look. My eyelids were so droppy it made it difficult to see I had any eye makeup on. This was for me. I now look the way I feel. Would I do it again, YES. But it will probably be in my late 70′s. Go to the best. I did, I paid more than double what locals were charging but you can tell the difference.
Your response is genuine and authentic. And I’m sure helpful to others. Women need to hear both sides of the surgical experience from people who have gone through it, to know first hand, what they are undertaking. I believe that the main point being conveyed here at VN, is that we need to make choices out of knowledge and experience, rather than a lack of awareness. Most importantly, the decision has be come from our personal desires, not from the pressures we feel from others or our culture.
I would invite every woman here at Vibrant Nation to visit my web site to read “Did You Know That…?” to see what my research says about the anti-aging industry and you.
http://www.enteringtheageofelegance.com
Interesting website Ms. Elegance. I liked the table of contents of your book. Congratulations, mature women need information and support as it can be a lonely journey for women today who are caught in the old and new visions of how to live the second half of your life.
I don’t completely get the rug & furniture anaology. Are you saying that getting only specified areas, such as lip lines, done will make the rest of your face look bad and that you’ll need more done? Please explain. Thanks!
Sometimes analogies don’t work that well in explaining complex issues (like comparing the slippery slope of plastic surgery to the experience of seeing a couch looking old when it sits on a new rug). But often images and real stories go a long way to help us see things clearly. What I wanted to highlight here is the importance of recognizing how altering one feature can lead to a heightened awareness of others that remain unaltered. I’ll never forget a story a patient of mine told me. My patient, a surgeon, was examining an 80 year old woman for her heart condition. As this women undressed, the surgeon –who had thought she had seen it all — had an uneasy reaction as her patient showed off her 30-year-old looking breasts. She said, “it made the rest of her body look ancient.” New breasts mades her otherwise strong, fit body look older in comparison. The irony here, is that the older woman ended up needing surgery and was more upset about the impact it would have on her new breasts than she was about the serious nature of her heart condition. And she asked if she could have a tummy tuck while she was in the hospital. I hope this helps explain the slippery slope I am concerned about when it comes to plastic surgery.
That helpd a lot and gives me food for thought. Many thanks.
Hi, I had a facelift 10 years ago after my husband passed away and I was required to re-enter the world of employment. I had the face lift mainly due to the fact that as much as aging gracefully would be a wonderful concept, it is in many ways in this society not an option. I took years off my face, and as they can no longer ask your age on resumes and interviews it put me in a better position to obtain a higher paying job. Sorry, but that is a fact, unfortunately, looking younger plus the confidience age gives a woman at least you get a bit of an edge in the work force.
Wow, some more positive info- too bad all of us cannot afford the cost of these procedures or
the time off work. I guess i will just have to look my age and hope for the best.
The procedures are tax deductable, many take holdiay time to do small things for themselves. You are obviously working and I am sure are looking great! I did this to re-enter the world of sales and marketing and trust me in that arena unfortunately, looking good gets you in the doors..It is still a mans world out there!
I hadn’t heard from any of my patients about plastic surgery being tax deductable. Either women haven’t spoken about it, or they don’t know about it. Interestingly, I never thought to ask the plastic surgeons I have interviewed because I never thought it would be unless it was related to a person’s work. Is it deductible because of the profession you are in? I know most procedures are not covered by insurance. Can you share what you know about this financial issue?
Maybe there is a difference in the tax deductions if you are referring to the American (US) tax deductions. I was able to put it on income tax as a deduction but you only recieive a 1/3 of the costs as a deductable. Botox is now not deductable as of late, it used to be.
Hm, interesting. I’m going to find out more about this. Where are you from?
I had a facelift, brow lift and upper and lower lid surgery 11 years ago and am happy with the results. I am now 62 so I had it done when I was 51. I didn’t do it to look younger than my age, I just wanted to look good for my age. I had carried excess weight on and off for 20 years and it showed in my face, eyes and neck. After the surgery, I can’t tell you how wonderful it was to start off EVERY day by looking in the mirror and being happy with my reflection. It was the best money I ever spent and it has paid me interest every day since. It didn’t make me want to do more surgery; my belly still has the folds of fat, my upper arms still wave at the flag. I told everybody prior to the surgery what I was having done and have been open about it since then with anyone who asks, and even some who don’t. This is your decision and it’s about you. Others have opinions that may differ from yours, but that’s their opinion and it’s about them. Whatever you decide to do, do it for you, not for someone else.
Right on Lucy!
Well, I am only 45 years old and had lost approx 20-35lb 7 years ago and became very fit and toned. Last summer, due to stress and genes, I lost a lot of elasticity. I cannot wear a pair of shorts. I tried to this weekend, and I cried and cried. I would love to have a thigh lift. I am saving for it. Single parent raising two daughters and very depressed over all the looseness that came on so suddenly.
Oops. I meant 30 to 35lbs NOT 20
When I was younger, the first comment about my appearance occurred when I was twelve. One of my best friends, on the school bus, said my name with a gasp. I said, “what?!” She said, “your NOSE! It’s so BIG! I never noticed before!”
I’d broken it when I was in elementary school, diving into the shallow end of a swimming pool, and never had it set. We also have Native Indian heritage, so the bridge of my nose was wide and flat.
So that started a long, LONG period of being self-conscious, and when other kids started teasing me about my nose and the unfortunate addition of severe acne, my self-esteem was pummeled regularly. My family was helpless as to how to help. It affected every aspect of my life.
When I was in my 20s, I was on active duty, so the septorhinoplasty I’d always dreamed of was free for me, because I had a deviated septum from when it was broken when I was so young. It was life-changing. My face looked entirely different, my confidence soared, and I was able to tackle things with confidence that I’d never wanted to try before, because I’d been so conditioned to having people, even in “friendly fun” make jokes about my gangster nose, and how they’d like to see what the other guy looked like, and on and on. When I was getting ready for the procedure, the surgeon and my primary did ask why I wanted it done, and they felt I was on the right track. It DID change my life, and for the better. I had been embarrassed about my reasons, thinking I was being vain and shallow, but the lovely, brilliant doctor supported me 100 percent, and said he loved his job, because he helped people feel better about themselves.
Because of my experience and how that surgeon felt about his work, I have absolutely no problem saying I think anyone who wants plastic surgery to feel better, more confident and in control of how they look is absolutely correct to pursue it. If some people don’t feel like they want it or need it, fantastic. But I think a little less judgment toward the women who do is called for, too.
Less judgement by other women would be great. More sharing of information and experience is even better. Our choices are personal. We can make better ones with more awareness. Wonderful response about the positive impact of plastic surgery. Everyone has a story to tell. Let’s keep talking. Thanks.
While any surgical procedure is serious business, in our society and possibly going back to the beginning of time, looks do count, age matters, and unfortunately age discrimination is real. Studies have shown that even infants respond to certain ‘beautiful’ facial configurations.
It amazes me that folks who are naturally attractive, aging gracefully, decry plastic surgery. As one of the less fortunate I need help just to stay employed. A friend of mine said she owed her last job to her face lift. She stated that she would have been “thrown out of the office” had she not looked ten years younger. She needed the job and she needed the income, even though later she was harrased, when her age was discovered, about when was she planning on retiring, and so forth.
I very much appreciate Dr. Diller’s perspective, especially as a former breast implant recipient. Having discovered that getting breast implants means a series of surgeries, expensive, painful ones, that can leave breasts worse off than they were before the implantation, I will probably never opt for another procedure and wouldn’t risk botox or even restylane.
When I opted to have them explanted, I realized how I’d been brainwashed into thinking I wasn’t really a woman without at least B cup sized breast. I recognize how women with fuller busts might be tempted to alter sagging ones as they age, but implants will never replace real breasts. They don’t look real, feel real, and will eventually rupture, leak, and be rejected by your body, requiring another surgery to either replace them or remove them. If the implants stretched your breast tissue, you may even need to have a breast reduction which I was informed by one doctor, meant cutting off my nipples, removing the excess flesh and then sewing my nipples back on.
Ouch! Thank goodness I didn’t need that procedure. So I guess I learned my lesson, and maybe if we saw some unretouched, non-surgical examples of beauty in media, advertising and entertainment – celebrating women of every age, we’d feel a hell of a lot better about ourselves regardless of our age.
I just learned that Vibrant Nation selected “Face It: What Women Really Feel as Their Looks Change” for their book club. I am eager to have you bloggers read it so you can let me know if it resonates with the topics you raise here, like the one Susan HL shared. The books goes into greater detail on issues like; how our culture and personal history impact our feelings about our aging appearance, how women can join together to promote healthy aging rather than anti- aging and how can we shift our internal experience about beauty so we can enjoy our appearance at any age. I’ll be interested if women at VN find the six psychological steps described in “Face It” useful. The women who respond on this blog have been very insightful and thoughtful about how they view aging and beauty in our culture. This is a topic that too often is dismissed as irrelevant or superficial, but clearly the feelings run deep, so let me know what you think after you read “Face It.”
Congratulations!!!!
Thanks Kim. I hope “What To Wear For the Rest of Your Life” is going well on the West Coast. When you get back to NYC we can compare notes. There are a lot of women who want to join in support of the message we are both trying to get out there. If more women come together about it, we may actually have an impact on changing the general attitude toward midlife women. I hope having “Face It” read by the VN book club and others (it is currently being used for a book club in Geneva Switzerland) more women will join the “Not Dead Yet” (title of the film below) movement.
Dr. Diller,
I’ve just added your book to my website’s store and ordered one for myself to read. I am also a filmmaker who recently made a movie on the subject you’re discussing; accepting ourselves for the age we are and embracing it. It has won two best feature awards from the 4 festivals it has appeared at and I would be honored if you would consider viewing it and, if you felt comfortable afterwards, giving me a quote about it.
In addition, I am travelling with the film as a means of presenting audiences with information on the impact of the current imagery and stereotypes on society. My goal is to wake women up to the power they have to demand change, interview experts such as yourself along the way, and end up with footage for a documentary that will bring the information to an even greater audience.
The film’s website is notdeadyetthefilm.com and my personal website is susanhesslogeais.com. If what I’m suggesting sounds interesting to you, please let me know and I will get you a copy of the film and see where you are going to be in the fall. My direct email is hotflashfilmspdx@gmail.com.
All the best and thank you for your important work,
Susan
I went to your website and learned more about your project. In certain ways your film and my book “Face It” appear to have very similar messages, which is great. Taking your film around to inspire other women is a wonderful idea. I will be taking my book on the road in 2011, giving workshops at spas and wellness centers. Eventually, I’d like to reach a younger generation as well, so they can anticipate midlife differently that the media portrays it. The more we join together about the fact that midlife women are ‘not dead yet’ but very much alive and have a lot to offer, the more powerful is our message. Hopefully, more women on Vibrant Nation will join us after reading “Face It,” viewing your film and adding their thoughts.
I would be glad to participate in your project, be interviewed or provide a quote after viewing your film. How about sending me your film and we’ll take it from there. I will email you my contact information. And I am interested in hearing your reaction to Face It. I think you’ll find there are a surprising number of commonalities in our stories.
Thank you, Dr. Vivian.
I will definitely send you a copy. In the meantime, I invite women to visit a blog post i made recently which describes my experience and invites readers to share theirs. There is an anonymous survey and I can always be reached through my Hot Flash Films PDX facebook page.
all the best,
Susan
http://hotflashfilmspdx.blogspot.com/
All I want is the body that won the boys’, all city, 50-yard, low hurdles!