My mother’s generation of feminists worked very hard to place beauty in the backseat to make room for other choices. Now, some of those same women are confused about whether they should let their appearance matter at all to them. So you have what I call the beauty paradox.
When I listen for it as a therapist, I hear it, but most people don’t come to therapy ready to talk about their appearance. They think it’s supposed to be about what’s inside that matters, right? So they don’t say, “I’m obsessing about my face” or “I’m thinking about getting liposuction.” They don’t even think that’s a topic worthy of discussion. And some of that is a reflection of this confusion they feel.
They wonder if paying attention to what they look like is a betrayal of previous women’s rights work.
We need to be talking about this so we all can come to terms with it without feeling like it’s win or lose. Up to now, there hasn’t been a place for discussion. It’s immediately a divisive issue, a political stance about who you are as a woman. But we all age. We all are confronting this culture. We all have benefited from the freedoms we’ve gained. We’re not ever going to forget that. We’re not going to stop breaking barriers and crashing ceilings. No one’s talking about stopping that.
Have we really given up on caring how we look as we do those crashings and breakings? I highly doubt it. Even Hillary Clinton, who had thunderous applause when she went for her nomination, probably took a look in the mirror before she stepped on stage and thought, “God, I look tired.” If only someone could have supported her at that moment. You know, Sarah Palin looks really good, but is that enough? Of course not!
Then I look at a woman like Jane Fonda. You could hear the shame in her voice when she admitted that she was going to go for another round of plastic surgery after promising her audience that she wouldn’t. And my heart went out to her, saying, “You’re in the public eye, so you’ve got it tougher than other people.” Because other people hide their Botox from their friends. Nobody is staring at them as closely as they are staring at you. But if you’re in the public eye and it makes you feel better to take advantage of some of the things that are out there, as long as you’re doing it thoughtfully, who are we to judge?
We used to judge people when they got their hair dyed. “Does she or doesn’t she?” is now “Has she or hasn’t she?” People of all ages dye their hair now. And then there’s the whole eyelash craze.
But if we can do things to enhance our bodies and faces, we have to be thoughtful about it. And I don’t mean thoughtful as being caring. I mean putting thought to your action.
The toughest part for me, as an adult who has put my difficult childhood behind me, is dealing with family members who are in denial about anything being amiss about how we were raised and the impact this has had on our on-going relationships.
W
Oil of Olay moisturizer. I have had dry skin since I was in my 20's. Now that I am in my 60's.....Oy! I have always used some type of Oil of Olay moisturizer. I am now using the Age Defying creams, and like them alot. Oh, and Chap Stick under
ReginaLove, that is SO great to hear! As for soy, it may help with menopause symptoms -- it it controversial. The best way to use soy is in the form of whole fermented soy foods (miso, tempeh, tamari and natto). Non-fermented soy foods such as soy mi
Agreed. I never thought I was vain until I had a mastectomy at age 39. I was devastated and told the doc I wanted to wake up with implants. Now at age 60, I am lopsided and wondering if I was just avoiding the inevitable. You get what you get and you
Sounds very interesting.
I wonder how far we have really come on the beauty issue. Seems women are finding they may need cosmetic surgery to keep or gain employment – looks matter to those who hire. I’m not sure some women want the surgery as much as they want to remain employable. If one is in the public eye do they really feel they have the right to chose – or is our culture still one that puts appearance of a woman ahead of her abilities, especially when she is older? There’s the Cougar bracket – but what about those who are older – still very skilled – but show their age. Have we really reached the point where looks don’t matter and we can chose to show our age gracefully – will we really break barriers or glass ceilings if our age shows?
It’s sad when I read articles, like I did on BNet.com on May 11th, titled “Why Your Career Needs Plastic Surgery –Literally.” It enraged many readers, but clearly was written with message that many young women take to heart. The problem as I see it, is that we need to take these decisions about our appearance into our own hands, rather than let others make them for us. Whether the pressure comes from the work place, friends, our loved ones or the media, compliance rather than independent choice often leads to dissatisfaction. That’s the glass ceiling we need to continue to break. This may be easier said than done, but if we begin to share our feelings and thoughts about this topic, we may become more clear-headed about what is in our best interests, what our changing appearance really means to us, personally and to our generation. My experience in my practices leads me to believe that for some women plastic surgery is an option that works for them. If given careful thought, these women have looked back believing that it made them feel their appearance matched more how they felt. They enjoy the results (most often they are subtle changes). Others who have gotten surgery continue want more changes on the outside to change how they feel on the inside. A slippery slope that often leads to unhappiness. So, to me it’s not pro-or-con about what they choose to do. Women are too critical of themselves in the first place, so we need not add more to their arsenal by condemning the chioces they make. We can be more understanding of how complicated this whole issue is and bring it out into the open so we all can figure out how to manage aging in a youth obsessed culture with more grace and confidence.
I think you have a key word there – gracefully. I am a firm believer in if we present ourselves with grace and confidence and we look good – with what we have, if doesn’t matter if our hair is gray, etc. – we can break those barriers.
I totally agree with you, Cookie. I know many elegant and beautiful women who have done nothing to their faces, yet they dress nicely and walk proudly. They look great and still turn a head now and then.
My own mother’s cousin, who is 82, comes to mind. She still gets her french manicure done. When she goes out (which is often) she dresses with flair. Even her shoes, though lower heels, are fashionable. She takes care of her skin and she has her all gray hair done regularly. She is an inspiration.
I agree that we have made many mounmental turns in women’s issues over the past 3 decades, but our looks are another area. I know the ins and outs of plastic surgery and botox treatments, but even if we do succumb to the pressures of trying to ward off age, do we avoid the criticsms of those who find fault in women who do take that step? Meg Ryan is one example of botox gone wrong and all of the negative publicity that she got afterward. When the media writes negative articles about someone who has gone public with their treatments and they focus on that, does that diminish the work or accomplisments that someone has made?
And what about when you aren’t in the public eye and you have treatments to remove the signs of aging, do your circle of friends smile to your face and then turn around and snipe about you behind your back? Because our country is so focused on youth, does that mean as you age your appearance is undesirable?
My mom is nearly 80 years old, she colors her hair and dresses very fasionably, she has not had any form of treatment to her face, but people assume she is younger then her years. So is it truly necessary to have something done or can we take care of ourselves, stay healthy and still have access to all of the things that life offers no matter how many wrinkles we have?
My issue is not with any individual’s choices regarding their appearance. I think women should make decisions regarding their appearance that are best for them. My concern has always been the bigger picture. Why does a qualified and experienced professional need to medically/surgically alter their appearance to remain economically viable. These procedures can be extremely expense. There are definite economic and class implications to this discussion.
I completely agree that there are definitely economic and class implications! So much of what is out there are ploys for us to spend, spend, spend. Want to make a new recipe for chicken? Well, you need to go to 3 specialty stores, get a couple of kitchen appliances and work on the “presentation”, but there is no guarantee that it will be any better than a tried and true recipe. Same with a lot of the surgical enhancements too. Where does it stop?
I worked with a powerful woman lobbyist who had everything you can imagine done. Even those I and maybe you could not imagine, eyelids and lips tatooed. Yikes! But at the end of the day, she still looked like a late 50′s woman who “had work done” and it was actually kind of pathetic. Our office was not particularly gossipy but this woman brought it on herself. She took her makeup bag each and everytime to the bathroom and did the whole bit, by the end of the day, her mascara alone was unbelievable. I think the reason she had all done was to compete with the younger women. By her looks? How about her experience, she could kick butt in that area, but why all of the other? A little bit, sure, but 3 different breast augs to get “them” right is just a little over the top. There are charities who could have benefitted.
I do think that the goal is important to consider. I had Juvederm and saved for a year to have it. It is a modest change and just makes me look less tired and yes, less haggard. But, I don’t plan anything else. But for many, they are not satisfied and then it is something else and then something else, it can become an addiction. Heidi Montag? Classic example. This is not limited to women over 50. At some point we need to be content with who we are and work with what we got, maybe a little help but ….
What a great topic. I struggle with this all the time. I work in IT and in this industry aging not really allowed.
Which is stupid because everyone ages but ask how easy it is to get an IT job when you are over 35 (especially in England) – even with tons of skills.
I look at my husband who nears 60 and is of course aging. He is still very good looking. He shaves each morning but how he looks is how he looks. He doesn’t wear clothes that emphasize this or that part of his body. He doesn’t pluck his eyebrows, wear makeup or even consider plastic surgery. I am seven years junior and have resisted coloring my hair but I would feel naked without my makeup -
So why is it ok for him to just look like he looks but I have to wear makeup and ponder what is appropriate for a 50ish body – which means I am stil on the looks treadmill – sigh.
I wonder what it would be like just to get up – show and dress in pants and a shirt and then just go to work.
It didn’t help that I was never as good looking as him to begin with.
As I lie in bed, recovering from my yummy tuck+lipo+neck lift, this article couldn’t have come at a better time! Aging has been a very complicated experience for me, far more so than I ever expected. At 62, I have already had a mid-face lift (where fat is lifted into the upper parts of the face) as well as had my upper lids done about 7 yrs ago. I started having Botox in my forehead then, too, but have had Botox (previously Collagen) in the furrows between my brows for at least 10 yrs before that. It felt like my brow furrows gave me a permanent frown.
So here I am, 62, within 5 lbs of my high school graduation weight (though up till last week, somewhat redistributed to around my middle), basically quite fit, hair dyed, etc. My husband who’s 5 years younger thinks I’m crazy to care so much about my looks, says I’m beautiful, but is very supportive of whatever I decide to do. In my old consciousness-raising days of the late 60s it would never have occurred to me that I’d be feeling this way.
I, too, had enormous empathy for Jane Fonda, or any public figure who admits to plastic surgery and feels ashamed. I love that Cher calls herself the “poster-child” for plastic surgery. In my first round of surgery I told everyone who asked or seemed suspicious. This time, however, I have not wanted to hear any judgement or pity in people’s voices and words.
My looks matter to me. A lot. I’ve always been considered very good looking, often beautiful, certainly sexy, and when the amount of “looks” and flattery started to wane it bothered me. The crazy (to me) part is that I have a very successful professional life that I adore and that requires nothing in the way of physical youth/beauty. And a husband who thinks I’m beautiful. It’s simply hard to give up the experience of being seen in a certain way…
Know what I mean?
Yes, I think a lot of us feel that way. Thank you for being brave enough to voice it so honestly and well!
When we lose an aspect of our identity (and youthful looks are, in part, just that), we need to be able to express a sense of loss without feeling shame. Mourning losses, even the losses that are physical, is an important part of moving on. I hope women will consider reading “Face It,” which highlights the process that goes on underneath the surface as our looks change. I want women to read it so that we can continue this conversation, going even further into the complicated feelings that different women have at this stage of life. if we understand what we feel, we’re less likely to make decisions out of fear or confusion, like so many women do when they rush into plastic surgery and try to fix themselves. That’s when the surgical option to cope with aging is often a disappointing one. Women here on VN are taking time to share their thoughts and ideas, openly and bravely. It’s a good beginning.
Wow — I am really surprised at your approach. Especially since you are speaking from the platform of previous (gorgeous) model and psychologist/psychiatrist. Your beauty is a given — you are very very fortunate!! And, I sort of wonder what you say to your clients about physical beauty — inner beauty — loving oneself – warts and all –!!
Not at all against anything that satisfies a person’s feelings about who they are and what they look like – whether it’s botox, diets, hair coloring, nails, teeth, butt, saggy eyes, saggy arms or whatever. If you don’t like it — if you can afford to fiix it – if it gives you a leg up in your circle of work, friends, family, and self-confidence, etc. then darlin’ – go for it.
May I suggest they don’t bring up their appearance to you because it’s not their #1 priority in their lives at the time?? If a marriage is falling apart, or a child is in trouble (physically, mentally, emotionally), if there is a lack of the necessities in their lives — or — if they need you to support them as they come to you in the now —- I would suggest beauty may be sort of on the shelf somewhere.
Shame in Jane Fonda’s voice??? The same Jane Fonda who has faced her public and the press all these years with head held high and looking all of us in the eye with a f— you stance of independence, courage, beauty and a whole gamut of self-confident behaviours? That Jane Fonda?? No, my dear, you may have misinterpreted her voice at that moment. She, above all pleases herself. The tongue in cheek apology to fans??? Cute, but not really necessary!! I love her to pieces and know she (like all creative people) will say or do stuff for the publicity — always be seen!!
Don’t really understand your last sentence — thoughtful about caring about what we do to enhance and then not thoughtful about our actions? Seems to me the thoughtfulness is essential in all areas.
The current billions of dollars in beauty products might have been a sign that we do care about our looks, we are ready willing and able to buy expensive eye creams, lipsticks, etc. — and for the most part — if we were to take a survey — most of the wonderful female world would tell us — so what?? —I do this for me!!!
I don’t know what you are reading or watching on TV regarding bringing things out into the open — but in my 78 years I have never seen so much open-ness about the body of the human race. As my dear Sainted Mother would say — ‘nothing is sacred anymore!’.
Making good looks a priority has nothing to do with one’s politics. Taking care of your skin with moisturizers and de-aging treatments, wearing sunblock to prevent further sun damage, managing your diet and working out to stay slim and toned shows you’re smart enough to take control of your looks, respect your health and care about your self in a positive way. Makeup and haircolor take that power a step further towards enhancing your total package of brains and beauty. This has nothing to do with vanity- it’s just that in 2010 looking good does matter. It matters in the workplace, in relationships and for you own self-esteem. Weight is the big issue for women 50 + – no one cares if you dabble in Botox or fillers or cosmetic surgery. I’ve yet to meet a woman 50 + who looks extremely good who hasn’t. When it comes to Botox, fillers, or cosmetic surgery your goal should always be to enhance your looks not to change them. With the right aesthetics, a good cosmetic surgeon or dermatologist can correct age-related lines and sag so you can stop focusing on the mirror. An addiction to surgery and fillers and ” looking young” on the other hand is unhealthy and unappealing and that’s where the danger comes in.
I am in complete agreement with this statement. One should not be addicted to “looking younger” but looking “refreshed” and healthy. Moderation is the answer.
there is stadistics and nothin new that looks are important they tell us that children with wood loocks have better grades ,that went you present yourself for jobs ,or any occasion people treat you better , then in my opinion this is the truth.
As long as we have eyes we’re going to care what ourselves and each other looks like; it’s not something we can control with our best intentions. We get older, we wrinkle and dry up and crease and fold and parts of our bodies lie around our ankles like fallen socks. Our faces don’t get better with time as does our understanding of the world; it’s the cosmic joke of life. When we’re young and our prettiest, we’re often our most ignorant. And so it goes, either we tweek the outside a bit to embrace the reality of our culture, our visual cortex and the desire to have the outside match the in, or we don’t and accept the dichotomy of physiognomy at 50 and beyond. Whatever we chose, we have the option to chose it with delight and curiosity. This is my face; this is my face on Botox, Restalyn, Juvederm. It’s the level of obsession with which we saddle ourselves that is really destructive and keeps up from enjoying our outside selves. Do the shots, get the lasers, dye the hair, use the creams, just remember the intention is to look refreshed and a little smoother and a little more relaxed. Make a reality check, have someone reflect on your deed, ask a man, and most of all ask yourself if you feel better, more you. But, a caviat, it’s expensive. Rent, morgage, health insurance, food, etc, way before enhancement… and sometimes what you really need is some good old talk therapy instead.
This seems, so far, to be an excellent, intelligent discussion. All the posts have made a credible observation, and pose valid concerns.
Interestingly we, the public/consumers are so ahead of the media in our collective wisdom. We see what’s going on. We are also aware that self-acceptance may not sell papers, magazines, “reality TV ” ideas, books –and of course cosmetics and invasive procedures. Therefore there is so much out there to target our insecurities.
Women are each unique. Different backgrounds, upbringing, role models, geographical area, education, and incomes all influence our outlook and personal approach to aging–and response to the messages we receive from the media, the workplace, etc.
To assume that a woman who is “better looking” throughout her youth, would age more happily is not true. In fact her diminishing looks (which may have been a given once) is harder to lose. It comes down to a woman’s phsychological well-being and her ability to adapt . Life requires that–of all of us_-in one form or another.
I’ve always focused on personal style as a “positive” conveyor of your inner self and the way you think. It has nothing to do with invasive procedures. I believe it can be expressed well at all income levels–and through it you can achieve an ageless, and even youthful appearance. “Healthy vanity” is my motto–a win-win.
Sherrie (www.sherriemathieson.com)
It is a misunderstanding to believe that women who modeled and who, on the surface, may appear beautiful, necessarily feel beautiful. And, as one of the comments above indicated, models are often the women who have the most difficult time with their aging appearance. In part it is because they have put so much of their self esteem into their looks. Remember, aging is the ultimate equalizer. We all age and everyone’s looks change. It’s how we deal with these changes that is important. It also helps to keep in mind that women’s experience of beauty is based on three variables. I found in a study I did on attractiveness that feeling beautiful is attributed to about 25% genetics, 25% how we care for ourselves and 50% how we think and feel about ourselves. Given these statistics, it explains why some women who grace the cover of magazines can have a very poor sense of themselves. Some of the models I treat tell me they feel ugly, no matter how many accolades they get. Beauty has only a very little to do with their actual physical features. On the other hand, women who have been fortunate to have been raised by families who have admired them throughout their lives tend to feel more reliably attractive at any age. It tells me, that if women in general were more supportive of each other, rather than competitive or critical, we would all feel and look more attractive. Maybe even the media would take our lead and reinforce the idea that we can be attractive without reversing the clock. Instead of anti-aging campaigns, we would hear more about healhy aging, or as the comment above suggests, “healthy vanity.” I am gratified that women are engaged with each other in a conversation on this topic, since it is one that all too often goes on in the privacy of our bathroom mirrors!
I think that the woman’s movement put a lot of pressure on women and not all of it good. I think that being a “lady” was traded for trying to be equal to a man. And with that, the family unit began to decline. You can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, etc. but still act and look like a lady without feeling guilty. Manners and respectfulness started to decline as well. At 52 I do put a lot into how I look and act. I know who I am and that I can do just about anything any man out there can do; but I can do it with class and manners. When you act and look like a lady, you are treated as a lady. To me that’s important and I can do in jeans or dressed to the nine’s as they say. I color my hair because it’s important to me. I wear makeup WHEN it’s important to me. It’s taken me a long time to know who I am and I pray for each woman who is currently on her journey. I agree that we need to get to know ourselves and be thoughtful about it. Wonderful piece. Thank you. Now I am going to read the other responses. I wanted to comment with my initial thoughts before I read them .
the womens movement gave us the right to vote for pete’s sake! and the right to own our own property and have our own credit and be admitted to colleges! good grief this is basic history, and if we’ve traded a bit of our ‘ladiness’, so be it. would not go back to the ‘good old days’ for anything. please take off the rose-colored glasses.
I don’t think The Cookie Bag is saying she wants to give up the right to vote and own property so that women will be more ladylike. She’s just noting that as the women’s movement progressed, ladylike manners declined. She’s right. So? That doesn’t have anything at all to do with the value of the women’s movement.
One of the things that the women’s movement brought us was the right to decide for ourselves what we value and how we want to express ourselves in the world. And that includes being a “lady” if that’s what we want. I don’t want anyone to tell me how I “should” live and what I “should” value. It’s not up to a man to tell me I should be a wife and mother and sumissive to him in all things, and it’s not up to a woman to tell me that I should not be those things. I’ll be what I want, and thank feminism for the fact that I can.
HB
I have always taken care of myself. If it makes you feel good why not? At age 37 I had pizza pockets taken out from under my eyes. Hereditary fat pockets which made me look very tired. It was amazing..the results and I wanted to look more rested and it worked.
At age 55 I decided I wanted Liposuction with an amazing Dr I have known for 15years plus. I work out eat well and still had the beer belly. So my reason went very deep. I was abused with my adoptive father and went to therapy and got over hating him before he died. I always hid my body not wanting men to look at me and I believe releasing the fat made my final journey. Ii was amazing and I have won the most votes on the MakemeHeal website…I am proud of my body and would never had the courage or rewarding results unless I knew the reason I wanted this done.
Now at age 58 I noticed I have some fat pockets on my upper eye lids. So have made the appointment to have those removed with my eye doctor. My hubby had his done 2 years and those hanging lids are gone. Its a minor tweak that set us free and I have always said if I need some work done I will get it done. I am retired dont have a lot of money but save for this and its my fun when people say wow you look great and rested retirement works for you. Its those subtle changes not dramatic unreal expectations…
Here’s to keeping us a young as we want!!! Its all good.
April
The important thing to me is not taking sides in this matter of cosmetic procedures. It puts women in an unnecessary conflict, and surely there is enough in this world to feel conflicted about. This is a very personal choice, not to be judged or criticized, but understood. I’m glad this conversation is leading some women to share their experiences. Beauty is not just a physical experience, but a psychological one too. I have had too many women in my practice feel like they have had to either hide or flaunt their cosmetic procedures to come to terms with their choice. And still others who feel if they will be left behind if they don’t engage in surgery. There are many alternative ways to feeling good about how you look, with or without surgery. Most of it has to do with gaining a flexible attitude toward aging and beauty. That’s the kind of “work” I encourage us all to do.
OK, I feel I have to jump in here. Speaking for us women who are not “natural” beauties, not gifted physically in any way, let’s face it, kinda ugly, I do find myself resentful that women can change their looks, as long as they can afford it. I also can tell you very definitely that being a good looking woman gives a gal a “leg up” in life. Better choice of husband, clerks tend to notice them first (nothing like being invisible, as I have been most of my life). I had to develop a forceful, strong personality if I wanted to be heard. In the workforce I was always the mule, the one who takes on big caseloads, the one the supervisors throw extra on because they know it will get done.
If I still sound resentful, it’s because I’m still working and I see how much easier the pretty women have it. Some may argue with me, but it hasn’t been a level playing field, and I guess at the age of 56 I’m getting a bit tired of it.
I agree; no question about it!
I agree! No question about it.
I agree with you. It is the same for men as well. Studies show that men who are over 6 feet are more successful in business. I was always grateful for being just average in looks ..ok…maybe c+, B-…I also possess average intelligence, average sense of humor, I raised average children. I also come from average people, no one was wealthy. Whatever I have achieved in my life is not due to my beauty or brains…but my work ethic, instincts, and putting in my all. It’s hard enough watching my youth slip away…glad I don’t have to worry about staying gorgeous! I’m grateful that the gifts I have are in creativity, which gets better with age. Women who are tall thin beautiful and rich have problems, too…just different ones..
I think this is an important thread of the conversation related to issue we have been discussing here on VN. Women and men who could not take inborn talents and assets for granted and who have had to work hard to fulfill their goals, tend to have more reliable sources of self esteem as they grow up. So, although it’s natural to envy some of the actors, models, athletes and super stars that grace the covers of magazines for their beauty, power and talent, we don’t have to look far or deeply into their lives to realize that they are all too often not satisfied with themselves. Careers built over time, working hard, creating relationships and sharing love are qualities that more often lead to happiness. Good looks may be nice to have, but they have little to do with these other, more reliable, life-long characteristics that don’t necessarily diminish with age, right?
agreed. Still, there have been times, too many to count, where I have been overlooked in favor of some beautiful young thing who had her needs met riight away.
When I first met my husband I told him about this phenomenon and he refused to believe it, until we were in a store and saw it in action. If I’m with him, btw, I will also get help quicker but the server almost always looks at him first.
A life of this tends to jade one.
I don’t think anyone would argue with the phenomenon of discrimination. Surely we know it exists. Unfortunately we live in a world where many groups are treated unequally, whether because of the way we look, how we talk, what we wear, what we believe, our size, our shape…..the list goes on. But what I hope to accomplish through my book “Face It,” and through discussions here is to become more aware of how many women experience what you do. And to try to alter that experience! This will be accomplished more successful by changing the way we see things, rather than fixing what others see on our faces, right?
Discrimination almost always results from lack of awareness, understanding and acceptance. As Lildee mentioned in her comment, her husband refused to believe that she was treated differently until he saw it for himself. Clearly, he sees her through the lens of love and affection, which, goes a lot further toward feeling good about oneself than being considered attractive in the eyes of the public. I wrote in another post on VN, that we may envy what others have –the most common being youth, beauty, wealth and power. The challenge, I wrote, is to shift our perspective over what we long for –especially as we age. Yearning for what we can’t have leads to unyielding dissatisfaction. Yearning to stop aging is useless. We would never encourage our children to look like or to try to become someone else, would we? We would help them be the best they can be. Happiness is more complex that having any one asset; be it height, weight and so on. On some level we all know this, especially as we gain the wisdom of time. So, I’m reminding us all again, that women will feel losses as they age, but gains as well. If we face both, and talk about what we feel, we can gain understanding and support from each other. That’s what I hope we can give to each other. We are all too young to be jaded….whatever age we are!
ah I love your positive response. I still believe, however, that we women are our own worst enemies. I mean, let’s be honest. My MIL has feet that look like hooked claws, her toes all overlap each other to a point, it’s absolutely hideous. And who can guess why that is? Because for the better part of sixty years she has been wearing pointy toed high heel shoes. She was, and is still, in pain all the time, but she was told as a young girl that she had to look “ladylike”…hence now the deformity. Trust me on this, the asians have nothing on us, with the horrible practice of wrapping the feet!
And on it goes…as a teen I was given a girdle. somewhere in my thirties I said, to hell with this, I want to breathe! Now they call them Spanx, just another name for girdle and these are way worse!
If we women collectively decided tomorrow to simply be ourselves, whatever that meant, no more hair dyes, no more perms, no more botox, well, ladies, maybe we just might have more time, energy and money to devote to better endeavors. WHO KNOWS?
Our culture has certainly invented many ways to keep us women from showing our true powers, these are but a few. JMHO
Contemporary women are gaining more and more power and control over the decisions being made that affect us all; in politics, economics, entertainment, advertising and more. This is true, not only in our country but around the world. We can either feel like victims of our culture or do what we can to change it. I vote for trying to change people’s attitudes about women and aging, one blog comment at a time. I hope you will all join me!
This has been a fabulous conversation! Our opinions go from one end of the spectrum to the other – from do nothing and be yourself to go for it if it makes you happy and you can afford it! I so agree that we “girls” do have more power and more control than at any other time in history and we should indeed work to change attitudes and perceptions of mature women!
It’s unfortunate that we have to prove that we’re far from being put out to pasture (so to speak!) But, we need to learn to speak up as well – whitehydrangea mentioned getting assistance with large parcels, conversations etc. Ask for help with large packages – I do! It’s not a sign of weakness to ask – at Lowes for example (a place I spend an inordinate amount of time at it seems!) if I have paving stones, mulch, dirt (you get the idea) after checking out, with a smile I simply tell the clerk I require assistance in loading the car. They’re happy to comply. I keep myself up to date on current events including todays hot topic of politics and participate in conversations – I don’t hang out and wait to be asked a question (I’m not rude and interrupt) I participate! We can’t allow ourselves to be invisible or we will be! Most of us aren’t going to look like Halle Berry or the beautiful person of the day, but we can still shine – smiles and attitude go a long way. I wish it were that simple in the job market, but that’s a hurdle we’re going to have to work that much harder to jump over. All the commenters here are indicative of the strength we as older women have to change stereotypical perceptions of the over 50 woman.
Maybe instead of focusing so much on looking younger, we should maintain our focus on looking fresh and being interesting! You freshen your home with new paint, maybe even a new color – landscape whatever, in a sense I feel that’s what we can do for ourselves – new clothes, new hairstyle or color, new learning experiences. When we care for ourselves, we remain vital and exude that vitality to others making us relevant.
We do indeed have the power, let’s use it!
For a lot of reasons women 50 + are living longer, healthier, more productive lives. The power of personal choice when it comes to politics, lifestyle, relationships or yes- the way you look has never been greater. Staying attractive and in shape is part of staying in the game. So is staying informed, fit and involved. It sounds like many responses to your posts are from women who are fairly angry. There’s a lot of talk about loss of power and the youth culture that is so prevalent here. There are really two separate issues here- a lot of your followers are finding a sense of community from connecting with like-minded women ( which is great ) and the second is a definite latent feminist pushback against the whole age-defying trend. Looking great at any age is a worthwhile goal and should be encouraged.
How about getting assistance with a large parcel out to your car, how about promotions at work, how about in long line ups, how about in conversations and group dynamics, and the list goes on and on. We are brought up to believe that our hard work and persistence will pay off toward success in life, and when this doesn’t happen and the beautiful people get what they want due to looks and the large personality that seems to come with them, it is very discouraging; almost defeating. But life has to go on!
Thanks Dr. V for your response. It helps to know that someone understands this beauty vs ugly inequity and can empathize even though you can’t erase it for us.
Like health, wealth and intelligence, beauty is not a distributed equally. This is a fact of life. But it is important to keep in mind, that happiness and satisfaction is, in part, dependent on how we deal with these inequities. Keep in mind too, that there are many beautiful women who have been brought up in unloving homes, with unsupportive families. They grow up with low self-esteem unable to enjoy their looks no matter how beautiful they are. You are right, that there is a lot about life that isn’t democratic or fair. Yet aging happens to everyone and in certain ways levels the playing field
I have never had a good physical self image. I grew up feeling fat, even when I wasn’t. I remember exercising with my Mom and Jack LaLanne, and sneaking her “aids” diet chocolates (mostly because they were chocolate). My Mom wasn’t fat and neither was I, at the time, but the fear of becoming so, was already taking hold. I look back at my childhood pictures, where I thought that I was not as attractive as my peers, with saddness. If I could have only seen what was really there. No, I was no beauty queen, but I sure wasn’t ugly either. My body had curves, unlike my friends boylike bodies. I had beautiful big blue/green eyes and long, thick blond hair. I hated my teeth, so though my Mom kept trying to get me to smile, I hardly ever did. I think someone in elementary school called me “vampire” one day. Ok, enough of that! I am now a 55 year old woman. I have had two children by c-section, and my belly has a definite sag. I tell everyone that if I ever lost my 50+ extra pounds, my skin would probably wrinkle like a raisen. I have actually lost it twice, and I actually looked fine. Ok on the subject of “does our looks matter?”. Yes, at least our own perception of our looks does. But, I have found that as I have aged , I have also become more comfortable with myself, who I am inside and out. I have become a more outgoing person, whose goal is to make another person smile and feel good about them selves. I don’t dwell on my looks, but on the well being of those around me. That brings me real joy. I have found that a real smile draws others to you, even with the “vampire” teeth. Beauty does really come from within and shines on the outside. Ok,…..would I ever tuck up this tummy, fix those teeth, or lipo these thighs? HHMMMMMM. If I had , had the money to fix the teeth ten or twenty years ago, ok sure I would have done that. If I ever lost enough weight again and my tummy skin touched my knees, I think it would be a safety issue, so yes. The same with my thighs, because they would be slapping me when I walked. I have nothing against any of these things for others, if they feel the need to help them feel better about themselves as they age. The real problem , as I see it, is the desire of younger women, especially celebrities who feel the need to make these drastic changes when their bodies haven’t even started to mature. (ie Heidi M. ) I feel sorry for them, because it really wasn’t the outside, but their insides that are of need of help. They haven’t lived long enough to have gained the experience and knowledge that comes with really knowing who they are, to really be able to make those choices for health or aesthetic reasons. There is a certain amount of saddness there. But, yes, to make a mature, clear decision to counteract aging, that is your choice and option. For me, so far….I think I will just rely on good grooming and a smile when facing the world.
This topic couldn’t have come at a better time! I am going to have a Lifestyle Lift to get rid of my “turkey” neck. I haven’t told anyone at work. Yet. My surgery is at the end of June. I work as a teacher’s aid and am fortunate enough to have the money to “help better myself”. I had decided to let my “natural gray” come out until my daughter and my grandson said I had a “gray halo” that made me look older than most women who are 57. Needless to say, I dyed my hair last weekend. I think if one wants to improve on something and can afford it, then go ahead.
skip the surgery and give the money to Smile Train instead. you could repair the cleft pallets of at least 10 children with the money you spend on plastic surgery. don’t fall for the marketing of the plastic surgery INDUSTRY.
I’m with you.. It’s one thing for it to become “required” to dye our gray hair with a $15 bottle of dye. It is quite another to get the tummy tuck. eye lift, boob job, then botoox….now we are talking 10s of thousands of dollars!!! and in a bad economy where people are walking from their houses because they can afford them. Something is wrong with our priorities.. I am not saying taking care of yourself is a bad thing, but exercise, drink alot of water and buy a good moisturizer
Go ahead and have your lift and enjoy your new hair color. You’ve worked for it and you’ve earned it. How you spend your money is your business. From what I understand, the Lifestyle lift is less expensive than standard surgery. Let me know how it turns out.
I would love to know how the”lift” turns out! To get an unbiased opinion, instead of a commercial. I used to have a nice jaw line, and am now getting marionette lines along with the turkey neck! Just don’t know if I can afford it. (Well, maybe after the Mustang GT is paid off. LOL!)
Well, I did it and I am feeling great! There is still some swelling and some tightness, but I know that will all disappear. I can already see the difference and I love it. It was well worth the money. Plus, I read where others say to give the money to charity. I give to charity. I help family. I even put money back for retirement. I wanted to do this for ME. It is done and I feel and look great. I had all this done on June 28th and am now showing off my beautiful chin. No more turkey neck.
Everyone deals with aging in different ways. In can be internal or external. But the greatest motivation we can have is to know that our life is what God/Higher power gives us to live each day to the fullest with joy. As with aging there are lots of aches, pains and wrinkles but love and just seeing the sun rise each day is passion. My best friend died of cancer at age 47 and it made me realize that this life can be very short. So do the best with what you have. I always forget how old I am and so look forward to each decade with a celebration and will do so until I reach 100 hopefully.
Our fore-mothers fought for equal rights because the were through with being treated like the property of their husbands. I hightly doubt that their beauty regimes were part of the equation. If we focus on feeling good, both physically and mentally, then looking good will follow. and If we focus on things/events outside of ourselves, all that beauty crap will be shown for what is really is, which is CRAP!
Beauty on the outside is stressed by advertisements, social whims, peer pressure, and is usually a power or an opportunity ploy that unfortunately affects the availability of opportunities – employment, popularity, availability, etc. The real essence of beauty comes from within. How you feel about yourself and others, how you respond to your needs and the needs of others, what you share and what you give back. Physical fitness is important. Living a healthy lifestyle is important. Living a positive, responsible life is important. That is true beauty. Protecting and caring for your skin is important. Loving yourself is important. But putting the standard of physical beauty – as the media has dictated – above all else – is in the end, never satisfying. Learning to take care of onesself and accepting onesself creates lasting beauty that transcends temporary fixes like botox, plastic surgery, etc. Embrace the aging process, embrace who you are, embrace life.
Deleting my comment.
As a psychologist, I constantly see that women’s self-esteem is indeed wrapped up in the way she looks throughout the life cycle. Most of us look in the mirror first thing in the morning and have something negative to say about ourselves. “I look fat.” “I have bags under my eyes.” “My skin looks sallow.” We’ve been trained by the media, our peers, our families to believe that there is a certain standard that we must maintain to have a happy life and feel good about ourselves. Most of us buy into this thinking because it is so pervasive and we see so many examples of this kind of airbrushed perfection. Even as I write this response I am looking at images of idealized women in the ads. We need to redefine our beauty by seeing the magnificence in our strength and ability as women, while at the same time doing the best we can with what we’ve got. It’s not one or the other, but the definition needs to be more inclusive and expansive. Please check out my blog DrRKG.com where I discuss this and other women’s issues. We need to learn tool and strategies for feeling authentically good about ourselves inside and out. DrRKG
I consider myself an expert in verbal (emotional) abuse. I am the moderator of an abused survivors’ group. The book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my sanity and life after 36 years of verbal (some physical) abuse, and I am constantly writing and talking to media types to get the message out there. One in three women are abused and every 19 seconds a woman is assaulted. These are global statistics.
I went back to school at age 61 after winning a scholarship. It wasn’t academic, but what I wrote about my life. http://www.soulpoetry.org is my website for my book, Sanctuary of the Soul (poems of anguish, healing, hope, comfort and celebration) and my endorsements take my breath away: Elie Weisel, Wayne Dyer, Nikki Giovanni, Drs. Larry Dossey, Alice Miller, Elaine Weiss, Ellen Langer, et al.
Kindest Regards, Alice…over comer and wounded healer, dancer, singer, writer, poetess……I feel 18 and feel good about myself.
Alicia, I looked at your website; important, sensitive work and great endorsements. Elie Weisel has been an important figure in my parents’ lives, since they too were holocaust survivors. They overcame a different kind of abuse than you describe in your post, renewing their lives after leaving Poland in spite of a history of cruelty beyond words. Their three children (me, being in the middle), now all work as psychiatrists and psychologists, recognizing that our achievements represented a victory over the Nazis. Now we feel dedicated to helping others for our own reasons, wanting to share their appreciation of life (at any age!) with others. I just posted a piece on Vibrant Nation called “Reinvention at Midlife” that describes the qualities I believe are necessary to be able to successfully make major changes in life. I’d be interested in hearing your (and other VN bloggers) comments about it. I identified three characteristics, calling them the “3 Rs for reinvention,” but the issues are more complex and worth further discussion. Take a look and tell me what you think.
i had breast cancer surgery last year; it resulted in as masectomy of the right breast. i am 56 years of age. i am now going for breast reconstuction shortly. the procedure is called a trans-flab. at first i was just grateful i was alive. My husband of 35 yrs says it doesn’t matter to him-he means it-. but i am always conscience of it. so i said to myself,”i am not dead yet!” so away i go. as the day draws closer, the more excited i get.
so YES, it is ok to care about once looks
I can always tell if I’m depressed. I let my looks go. Generally, I like to look good enough for me. If someone else has a problem, so be it. My mother was a former model in the 50′s. We are blessed with good skin genes. We look older when we’re younger and younger when we’re older. Beauty was of utmost importance to my mother since she couldn’t work if she didn’t look good which sent her off on some of the nuttiest diets. She worked at her beauty and it paid.
I think one of the things that stuck with me in my youth was a sermon on vanity. Vanity was sinful according to the preacher. If you looked in a mirror more than 10 minutes a day, you were considered overly vain. I’ve struggled with this misconception ever since the preacher delivered it to some very impressionable youngsters. I go back and forth between what’s inside is what counts and looking good is more acceptable to the world at large.
I think the ads, models and celebrities today set the bar really high since in their industry, what you look like matters more than the average woman. Being in the United States sets an usually high bar for young woman. Some other countries are more accepting of natural beauty. Whereas I think the American culture sets the bar too high, I don’t see anything wrong with looking your best.
I totally agree. There’s a lot of space between ‘looking good’ and Heidi Montag. It’s not so much the looking good as the preoccupation with it that is bad. All things in moderation, I say.
All cultures throughout history (even during those thousands of years before advertising) have defined and persued physical beauty in one way or another. (In the 18th century it was the men who wore all the wigs and powder.) That historical trend leads me to believe that this persuit perhaps is based in some innate quality/instinct that we humans have. (In my next life I’m coming back as an anthropologist-lol). Perhaps it has something to do with a mating ritual. Many animal species (both male and female) preen before mating.
As I type this there is a commercial on TV for a man’s undershirt which is actually a girdle. Remember the ‘mansiere’ in Seinfeld? It was sort of a bra for ‘man boobs’. So, maybe it’s not so much about just women………….maybe the pendulum is swinging the other way.
MCH1117–I totally agree with you!
But the preacher and I don’t agree. I think “Vanity is good!” if it’s not overwhelminng , but rather “healthy vanity” a phrase I coined in “Forever Cool” my first book.
My aesthetic is European. I love a certain naturalness and realness, but coupled with ageless, youthful high-end modern style. The ying-yang effect is so compelling.
Sherrie (www.sherriemathieson.com)
After speaking to journalists from around Europe (Spain, France, Portugal), England, Ireland Netherlands, Canada, South America and Asia, this notion that women in other countries have it “easier” has been debunked for me. I too thought that American media has placed more pressure on youth and beauty than in other countries. But, I’ve learned from these women around the world that not only do they feel pressure as we do (in South America the need to appear youthful is even stronger and starts even earlier), but in certain ways women say they feel the issue strikes them differently. For example, a woman from Italy told me that Americans have no idea how Italian women are still viewed primarily as sexual objects and that no matter how professionally successful they are, the feel compelled to maintain that standard. They say that once they appear less sexy (and this is associated with getting older), they feel dismissed, devalued and unimportant. Italian women see Americans as having more option in how they chose to look and dress attractively. I thought that was interesting. Then there was a woman from Geneva, Switzerland who said that they struggle with the need to prove themselves are smart women by downplaying their femininity. With a strong Calvinist tradition, femininity is still strongly equated with weakness there. As Swiss women get older, they feel pressure about choosing sides; to care or not to about their appearance, to look after themselves or focus on their profession. To do both is more complicated for them. Then there was the Asian journalist who told me this idea of the Chinese “honoring their elders” is a tradition that is losing power and has little to do with admiring the aging woman. That is a saying mostly about men and their wisdom. Women in China and Japan are becoming very westernized in their fashion sense. Appearing like the “American model” is a standard too many Asian women aspire toward, and this goes not only for the young, but the middle aged woman too. For example, surgery on Asian eyes (to look more western) has become very popular among women of a variety of ages. I could go on, but I only bring these examples up here to respond to the stereotypes we have about women in other cultures.. Each culture imposes its standards to the aging women and I found that the yearning to look young and beautiful is a struggle for them as well. They too are interested in how to challenge the demands on aging women from the inside, out, so I’ve been talking to them about ways they can. “Natural” beauty is not a phenomenon as available to women as we think, here or elsewhere, which is why we all need to keep trying talking and finding a solution to this universal dilemma.
Dr. Vivian Diller-
Like fast food a lot of concepts become easily global, because “people are people” around the world–with all too similar natures, needs and foibles.
No country is impervious to what I suspect is Mother Nature’s way (natural rules for attraction and procreation, which men are programmed to follow)–and the media’s using it to make the most of it.
I truly believe that the all important step is taking control (it’s important to feel empowered) with a youthful modern approach within your mind, and body (exercise, eating habits and personal style). Women need to take the initiative and not succumb to media pressure which preys on insecurity beyond good rationale. Like all changes in life –we can’t change others–only ourselves and our reactions. Like my aunt Ruth (to whom I dedicated “Forever Cool” said to me “it’s not what you go through in life–it’s how you go through it”).
The question is how much effort each woman (and men too struggle with aging) will put into it. All things worthwhile require real interest in the subject . I believe, and all my observations support –that too many people (young and old) lack the real interest it takes to have great , tasteful style throughout their lives. Poor decisions in personal style is often the result. It comes down to how important it is in your life and happiness.
I stick to working on personal style that is basically non invasive and totally positive –from hair, teeth, posture, nails and wardrobe choices–that send a clear message of health, energy and intelligent style. Think Charlotte Rampling.
Best,
Sherrie
Great comment. It seems that women like you who have a good “balance” often are those that have a healthy attitude toward caring for their aging appearance. You are right. Depending on one’s culture, the standards may vary. But it’s how much any woman succumbs to their environment (rather than works with it), that will determine the kind of personal decisions she makes about her sense of style as she ages.
You write in your post that you “question how much effort” women put into their style. You notice that they show little “real interest” in maintaining it throughout life. I wonder if the lack of effort and interest you see has to something to do with the unconscious dilemma I notice that women experience, but don’t always know it. I believe the mixed cultural messages that women have been brought up makes effort or interest in caring for their appearance complicated for them. They feel torn and ambivalent, and not always clear why. If they show interest, some women feel they are succumbing to the media; caring too much means being superficial. Sometimes they feel they are making a political statement, betraying their ideals if they fuss about their looks, so they stop caring altogether. On the other hand, some women put enormous effort toward style is a dissatisfying, by trying to return back to a youthful self-image. They use radical measures that often lead to feelings of despair and hopelessness, recognizing that “anti-aging” isn’t possible. The result: many feel stuck between these two opposing forces; to be true to oneself and to fight aging as culture tells them to do. Finding a balance seems important, but women need to know what they are struggling with. They need to know they can be true to themselves AND care for their appearance at this stage of life. In other words, it might be helpful for some women to understand what lies behind their lack of effort toward style so that more interest can be expressed toward looking great at any age.
Vivian-
So true. That ambivalence, anxiety, or confusion about how to tackle an aging appearance can either freeze interest or compel an over reaction. It helps to know what demons detract us from a good, healthy course–the job of phsychiatry and introspection. As I mentioned earlier–the world is not going to change for us–we can only change our world by adjustments within ourselves.
In terms of style–even once women recognize the inner-reasons/motivations for what they feel is their own style inertia, or misguided choices–they still need answers to”What now?” and most importantly “How to?”. Many women rightly complain about the lack of attention they get by the retail and designer establishment.
I try to provide answers. My philosophy, garantees an end result that also has “legs” as you age. I try to open up the secrets of great style that some women seem to definitely have. Those are women who have never let up the all important interest and curiosity it takes. They made adjustments to their personal style as they aged and remained MODERN and looking youthfully relevant.
Like anything worthwhile in life–it takes work and time–even when it looks ultimately effortless.
I’ve tried to fill in for the necessary interest (and the confusion on resources) that a woman may have lacked–by supplying real answers–now. The “What to get?” and “Where to get?” for real and unique people of varied personalities, backgrounds and sizes. It’s a challenge for me on a daily basis. But I’ve truly walked in the shoes of the women I try now to influence.
I went to your website. It looks great. Although my work and website takes a different approach to a woman’s appearance than you do, I also mention the importance of taking the pejorative meaning out the word vanity. Women need to feel more comfortable paying attention to their appearance, without feeling judged. Too often women feel ashamed, as if they shouldn’t care or that they should care about other more important things in life. Sometimes they think that caring is a betrayal of their feminist beliefs. In my practice, I find that women who find a balance between their feminist ideals, and what I call “healthy narcissism” (your version of “healthy vanity”), can best enjoy their femininity. And they can maintain that pleasure throughout their lives.. So, I think we say the same thing from different perspectives. You might be interested in sharing your ideas with Kim Johnson Gross, who recently wrote “What to Wear for the Rest of Your Life.” You might already know her work, as you are both in a similar field. You might find her book on fashion for the aging woman, (using a woman’s closet as a metaphor for her life experiences) interesting. She combines a psychological perspective with her fashion sense. Oh, and take a look at FaceItTheBook.com or read Face It with VN book club if you want to learn more about my approach. I’d be interested in your reaction.
Thanks Vivian, I will also refer to Kim’s latest effort. I own her first books and am very famililiar with her. I think we are on the “same page”. I enjoyed viewing your site already, and look forward to reading your book.
Best,
Sherrie
Vivian-
I too consider phsychology in my work. Having been a film /tv costume designer I had to understand character, and motivation. It really was an excellent training for my present work with private individuals. I think I truly understand why people dress as they do–and shopping habits.
We are all unique even within age groups. Demographics, family and friends are huge influences. Like Kim, I propose a “role model” for style/lifestyle. It helps a person who may need to pull away and gain perspective that they otherwise may not have gotten or not getting at the present.
I know this forum is about women 50 years and up. But the generations we need to worry about is the younger generations. A little botox, tummy tuck at our age is one thing. But I work with brides on a daily basis and it is becoming the “standard” to get a boob job before the wedding. This to me is scary. There is risk to the anesthesia and chemicals involved in this. If these girls dont feel their bodies are good enough at 25, what will they be thinking when they are our age? Frankly, I am newly divorced and would love to get a tummy tuck to get rid of the rolls of skin i have as a result of 2 twins pregnancies. The thing that totally dismisses the idea is, I dont want to send the wrong message to my daughter
wow, two sets of twins? My hat’s (if I wore One) off to you!
agreed – we have one set of twins – two> wow
Enjoying-
I often speak about our “style inheritance”–is there a good one to pass on?
Our’s may have been squandered (the 50s and before) by our delving so enthusiastically into the late 60s and 80s style faux pas. Confusion reigns and aesthetics have no longer a cohesive or collective guide.
I hope to help.
Best,
Sherrie (www.sherriemathieson.com)
As parents we are ALWAYS sending messages. Some are immediately acknowledged, others go to the back burner. I feel the message our kids get is the one that marries our words and actions. If I have made an educated decision, then that is how I share my choices. Our world is getting too close to “Logan’s Run” for me. Immediate gratification is clouding the younger generation & their ability to work things out – including self love.
There are many sheep being led to slaughter. So why does the black sheep always stand out? Ironic- the black sheep are survivors, and become the movers & shakers. They have a gift to think outside the box.
Still want that surgery? Good! It means you are doing it for all the right reasons. You earned it. I wish you a speedy recovery.
I, too, am concerned about how the next generation views the way women at midlife are dealing with their aging appearance. Our actions speak very loudly to these younger women. The rise in plastic surgery is exponential and getting younger and younger. I deal with this issue in my book, “Face It: What Women Really Feel as Their Looks Change” which I just learned was selected for the VN book club. I am eager to have you bloggers read it so you can let me know if it resonates with the topics you raise here. The books goes into greater detail on issues like; how our culture and personal history impact our feelings about our aging appearance, how women can join together to promote healthy aging rather than the anti- aging movement that surrounds us, and how can we shift our internal experience about beauty so we can enjoy our appearance at any age. I’ll be interested if women at VN find the six psychological steps described in “Face It” useful. I find the women who respond on this blog very insightful and thoughtful, so please let me know. This is a topic that too often is dismissed as irrelevant or superficial, but clearly the feelings run deep.
I’m not sure that this necessarily gives the wrong message to your daughter. Perhaps if you were running for a boob job, followed by a facelift, botox and tummy tuck etc. – an were on the never ending cycle of cosmetic surgery that would certainly be a negative message. If however your self esteem is intact and there is something that you are unhappy about that you can change, it could feel quite empowering to take charge and do what you want to do for yourself. As a psychologist, I work with many women who srestle with this conflict. One woman with three teenage daughters after serious deliberation decided to go for the surgery. Her stomach was “rolls of skin.” No matter how much she worked out she could not get rid of the sagging flesh. Eventually she decided to have the tummy tuck. I don’t think she ever regretted this decision, nor do I think it adversely impacted her daughters. She is not one to rush into surgery casually, but this particular procedure made her feel sexier and happier with herself. She is not planning on any future cosmetic interventions and feels better about herself these days. It’s not for everybody, but with the right attitude it is certainly a good option for some.
I think that everyone, men and women, have difficulties adjusting to the loss of sexual power that comes with ageing. I’m not talking about sex itself, but with the loss of one’s youthful appearance. I can remember the very moment, in my mid fifties, that I realized I had become invisible to men. That moment just sneaked up on me and was very disturbing at first, maybe because I had always been pretty and took my looks for granted. My first panicky reaction was to have a little surgical intervention (lips plumped a bit, Botox) and to plan having even more. Fortunately, my financial situation prevented me from making any further hasty decisions and now at 60, I have reconsidered. The clock is never going to run backwards, however much surgery I might have, and I would rather have my same comfortable familiar face than a strange surgically enhanced mutant version of it. Even if I had a facelift, my skin would not have the texture it had at 40 or even 50. I care about my appearance and dress appropriately for my age and use makeup to my best advantage, but concentrate my time, money, and energy to inner transformation rather than outward at this time of my life. When I was a girl, we didn’t seem to have this feeding frenzy over looks, and I wonder what will become of the current youth-obsessed generations coming after me. Unless they die young, they will age too and I fear they will have a harder time of it since they worry so much about being “hot” now. I don’t judge other people, but I remember a cruel phrase overheard in my childhood about someone attempting to prolong youth by being “mutton dressed as lamb”. Small enhancements to one’s looks are fine, but endlessly repeated surgeries to maintain youth just seem desperate and foolish to me. I think a smile is the best face lift possible and I would rather blow my spare cash taking my grandchildren on memory-making road trips than financing a plastic surgeon’s vacation home in the south of France.
I believe that we should take care of our bodies and dress appropriately and that this should be reflected in public when people greet us and interact with us. I don’t believe it is healthy to be going further than this with cosmetic surgery, botox, etc. The women that I am drawn to as mentors and friends are the women who are comfortable with their well-groomed natural selves. Their focus is grooming, yes, but also their contribution to community and engaging in work that stimulates them. To me that’s a full life and its real beauty.
Your post comes at an opportune time for me. I was in Target yesterday passing the bathing suits silently mourning the loss of my youth. It wasn’t too many years ago that I was proud to be seen in a bikini…while never a beauty, never thin…I was always proud of my apperance. I was never a woman who hated their body, hated their hair. Now, a few years into menopause, I see myself aging before my eyes. I know that I look pretty good for my age…but that’s just it…my age! My once curvaceous body looking sexy in lycra, is starting to look dumpy and fluffy. Lucky for me, I design artful apparel, so I can dress myself in fun clothing and still look cute! That being said…I wish I looked as good as I did when I thought I was fat!
Yep. at 65 i am grateful for the way i look, still look like a woman. and i can afford botox twice a year and so far OK. but i do miss wearing a bikini and having no stomach. jeez after each pregnancy i looked better, then. now the tummy and turkey neck drive me crazy. i can’t accept it and relax. everyone cares about how they look. i don’t think even the ones that seem to be happy getting/looking old aren’t. my 96 year old aunt still dresses great and looks nice every day. she cares about her brains, health and her looks still. it is all a part of us. she probably would like to be 46 instead of 96 but she still cares. so the old saying to be the best that you can be still is true.
Here, Here! My dad had a stigma about what was fat and no matter what I looked like, he said I was fat. Looking back at those pictures, I’m thinking I was really hot!!
I have my eyelids done because they drooped over my eyes and impaired my sight. Insurance paid for it. When I went back to have “estimates” on further surgery, I thought I’d rather go to Hawaii or around the world than pay for someone to take the folds out of my face.
I figure I’m old enough. I have silver hair and watch my weight. I have 3 wonderful children who tell me I look like the perfect Grandmother. It’s good to be me.
I am 53. About 18 months ago I cut my hair really short — the length of my roots which was about an inch. I had about 50% grey and thought ‘Great, now I am done with all that time and expense of dying my hair!”. I looked like Jamie Lee Curtis and everyone kept telling me so. No problem. Then, I decided let my grey hair grow out. Slowly, slowly over time, I started to disappear from people’s consciousness — men no longer opened doors for me (regardless of their age, I have always had doors opened for me!), waiters and waitresses didn’t notice me in their station, people cut me off driving, and so on. It hit me one day when I was cursing to myself about how rude people had become, that it was my hair! It made me look older and less relevant!
So, as an experiment, I thought I would do a non-permanent color — actually I got a glaze put on that is supposed to wash out gradually and look more natural. I even told my hairdresser about the reason I was doing it. And guess what? I kid you not – as I was leaving the salon, I stopped at the curb to fetch my keys from the bottom of my bottomless purse, only to look up and see a man in his car stopped and actually waving me to cross in front of him to get to my parked car!
I cannot change society and how it treats grey-haired people, so, I guess for now I am going to keep glazing away — I want to be noticed and relevant and I don’t apologize for that!
I don’t think wanting to be attractive has anything to do with feminism — I think fair wages and hiring practices and insurance coverages and the like most certainly is what we fought for. I never signed up to become a schlepp about my appearance when I signed on socially and democratically as a feminist!
By saying ‘letting my grey hair grow out’, I meant longer so there was more of it and my hair was not a specific style — but in that growing out phase. Ugh.
Every couple of months I look in the mirror and say, can I just stop coloring my hair now? Darn it, I’m tired of spending the extra money while I’m trying to save for an early retirement. And I tell myself, I deserve every darned white hair on my head, I earned it! So why then do I run and have it dyed again? I just chicken out!
I’m 56 and everyone says gray hair makes a woman look a decade older. and so what? and yet, I do care, on some level.
My 74 yr old MIL said she would stop dying when her husband died. He’s been gone over 2 yrs and she still colors her hair. Does the pressure ever end?
Hi Lildee. I want to say that my intent in saying the following is just to make an observation– no judgement intended.
I think what’s interesting here is that you see the hair coloring as a chore, or something you have to do. Is it about what others would think? If you don’t like doing it, don’t do it. It’s only hair color………you can always color it back.
Or, maybe I’m wrong and it’s not something so ‘psychological’. Maybe you just need a new color.
I come from a prematurely gray family and have colored my hair since I was 31. I always approximated my natural color (dark brunnette), perhaps going just a little lighter over the years.
As I was approaching 50 (I’m now 55), I started becoming bored of the routine and talked to my stylist about going gray. She said that she had always thought that red suited my personality more. So, I said, why not (turning 50 does that kind of stuff to your attitude-lol). At first it was more of a reddish brown, but now it is a vibrant red with very light blonde highlights. I LOVE it. Plus, I keep the cut stylish.
Now I think of my haircoloring as an accessory. I also have a new stylist (since I moved to FL). She’s a lot of fun and likes to take her time, so I look at the time spent at the salon as my time spoiling myself. I relax and read fashion and beauty magazines which I don’t normally read at home. No longer a chore………
The pressure never ends, Lildee. Indeed, I believe it’s grown significantly because we’re absolutely bombarded with commercials, ads, and radio spots about “reducing the APPEARANCE of wrinkles,” etc. It’s so overwhelming it’s almost subliminal.
I’ve tried many of those products, even as I wonder why in hell it should matter so much to me, and even understanding that if not for those commercials I’d probably be much more content with my appearance.
Those products, and occasional professional facials, do seem to make a difference. But it’s subtle, really, and generally not apparent to anyone but me. And for that matter, what I’ve noticed is that on days when I wake up full of life and energy and confidence, I look just as good without any of those products.
We are, regrettably, too often and despite our intelligence, captive to professional marketers who only want our money. Sad, but reality.
I never did color my hair – mostly because I alway had a good color and because I had thin weak hair. I did perm it though. Now I do neither and it has been some transition but I am getting there.
The odd thing is I permed my hair for years and years but now it has mostly grown out straight and grey I am told every day how much everyone LIKES it……even when I think it looks limp and dull
I cannot account for the discrepency.
I’ve reread this entire thread twice now. The first time through I thought “wow, so many intelligent, thoughtful, assessing women.” I went back to read it again because I was afraid I might have missed something really good the first time.
But somewhere in the middle of the 2nd read – through I thought to myself “wait a minute….are we over analyzing this a bit?” There are as many reasons in favor of the argument to invest time, energy, money, pain etc into our looks to varying degrees…and just as many to say “not worth it”.
Isn’t this at the end of the day a private, individual issue and choice up to each of us to decide for ourselves and for our own reasons…………and because we are human, no doubt we will judge the choices and the reasons of others. ANd we shouldn’t. Live and let live. Dye and let dye. Nip and let tuck.
Or not.
Your mileage may vary.
Well said!!
I completely agree with your assessment. I do think that we are still dealing with “peer pressure”. I mean, ladies, if we all just said, let’s let time tell it’s story and be proud of who we are no matter how we age, wouldn’t we have more time and energy for more worthwhile pursuits? I think about that with spiked high heels, panty hose (which I’ve always thought of as sausage casings). And what’s up with acrylic nails? The smell of those places is enough to make me ill, I could not imagine putting that stuff on my porous nails!
I actually feel relieved after reading this thread. It’s not just me!! I’ve been telling myself for years that there was something wrong with me on a very basic level for letting my aging appearance bother me so much. My grandmother (who lived to be 104), mother and aunts (all extremely attractive women) never seem bothered by age, other than bouts with bad health or injuries. And at 56 I should count myself lucky for being VERY healthy and in good physical condition! Just makes me feel guiltier for obsessing on my looks…
But, it is sad and surprising the first time you realize that you’ve become invisible, when you used to get preferential treatment, in a social setting. -Or even being waited on by a clerk! -I do still get compliments, that I look younger than my age, but I think most women who try to take care of them selves, do. And don’t you feel like telling some of these young girls, “Don’t be be so smug, hon. When I was YOUR age, you couldn’t have held a candle to me. -I just didn’t know how good I looked at the time!” And their day will come. I would probably have some minor work done, if I had the time or money. Someday. But now I have 3 handsome sons, 2 wonderful grandsons and an 18 month old granddaughter who is so beautiful, it’s almost frightening. Luckily her parents are well grounded, and will raise her with good values. Life does go on!
I loved reading everyone’s responses to this “confusing topic” While we can and should celebrate who we are as we age, there is still the pervasive attitude that youth and beauty are more important. I blame the media – celebrating the “hotness” of the 20 somethings, pushing all the creams, lotions and potions and procedures to the “fountain of youth” It sends a message to society that aging women (in particular) are less – less attractive, less hip, less productive etc. Those of us 50+ may not realize just how much this “message” matters. We KNOW that we’re smart, can typically run circles around most youngsters, are more experienced in life matters and have value. We take care of ourselves – physically, mentally, are fashionably stylish, have a vitality that mature women 40-50 years ago seemed to lack. The problem in my humble opinion is that those younger than 50 don’t realize all this. Perhaps our “crusade” should be to show these whippersnappers just who they’re up against!!!
If an enhancement, be it coloring our hair to a nip or tuck makes us feel better about our appearance, then we should do it. In this day and age we all no doubt have to be employed longer than we’d hoped. Unfortunately, the job market is more youth oriented – so we do have to compete with younger people. Sad but true. I wear stylish clothes, am slim and fit, in good health and look younger than my 56 years (thanks Mom), yet because I’m in the market for a new job – I felt I needed a bit of boost to compete. I color my hair and went to a salon for a makeup makeover to update myself (funny how we get stuck in a rut and tend to use products and or colors we used 20 years ago – at least that’s how it was for me) I look good!
My husband said “wow” and my grandson said “Mimi, you’re so pretty!! So even a 4 year old noticed, haha!
My point is, we each have to do or not do what we feel comfortable with. We can certainly enhance what we have, detract from what we don’t have with a beautiful smile, confidence and a stylish cover. We should not be obsessed with knocking 10-20 years off. Nor should we be embarrassed or ashamed because we have had something done .
Isn’t it the most fantastic thing when our grandsons say how beautiful we look! It makes my month.
That women are having this conversation on VN, exchanging their points of view with freedom and respect, is in part a product of the feminist movement. LadyHawk is correct to remind us all that our ability to express opinions and be taken seriously, regardless of gender, should never be taken for granted. The message of the book “Face It,” featured here, and the result of conversations it has stimulated like the one above, hopefully will lead women to find a new kind of freedom; freedom to feel strong, confident and vital even as their looks change and to allow them to make choices without guilt or shame as they care for themselves.
We need not feel diminished or ashamed for caring how we look, as if we have betrayed our feminist beliefs. Nor should we feel the need to elevate our looks to the all-important role it once played in women’s lives. We’ve come too far for that. It’s time to move forward, with a “new movement” that gives us freedom to feel and look great at any age with the comfort and confidence we all deserve.
As a woman working in corporate America and hoping to climb the corporate ladder I know my appearance plays a key role in gaining promotion. Men aren’t faced with this issue as are women that is unfornate but it is reality and there is a need for women to maintain a good appearance.
I don’t think our mother’s generation worked to put ‘beauty in the back seat’, they worked to put gender in the back seat.
It is interesting how many responders just went straight to the ‘dye or don’t dye’ conversation, versus what I thought the point of this thread was, which is it againts feminist values to care about how you look.
Hmmmmm……me thinks people take the strides of women’s rights works for granted now and have gone back to the trivial pursuits.
Even in the earlier days of “the movement” when I was young, I did not burn my bra, stop wearing makeup, or stop caring how I looked. Being a feminist has always been a mental mindset and not about appearances with me, just as it was with my mother. My mother built airplanes during World War II and liked it so much that she kept on working there after the “boys” came home, eventually retiring at 65 to travel all over the world, still looking nearly as glamourous as she did at 35. I don’t think women should compromise over anyone else’s beliefs of what feminism is, but should make their own decisions based on what is right for them. I worked for over 30 years and retired early at 55. Looking like a hag during those years because of someone else’s concept of how a feminist should look would not have served me very well and would have been detrimental for my self esteem. I think it’s disingenuous to imply that appearances shouldn’t matter if one is a feminist. A true feminist can look however she pleases while fighting behind the barricades or staying at home, raising her children.
I absolutely agree that feminism is about everything but beauty and that women (and men) should care as much about their looks as they want to, although I still want them to understand that is not where there value is. If you see my first post, it is about saying I was becoming invisible by having longer grey hair, and that I did not like it so I changed it. And, that I think feminism is about social, policital and economic equality – not how we look or don’t look. Some of the most awesome women I know did burn their bra, then went out and bought another one when their boobs starting sagging! There is no right or wrong when it comes to appearance, but there is a right and wrong when it comes to how women are treated in society by the laws and social norms that hold them down or back just because they are women.
I don’t think the feminist movement is dead. I think until women are paid equal pay for equal work the war is not over. Until men recognize that it’s not the ’50′s and women are capable of being something other than bare foot and pregnant, I don’t think any woman can put that torch down. Men are in a resentful stage at the moment. They’ve seen the result of feminism and they know it’s true but they can’t let go of their control. They’ve been taught they need to be macho and the head of the family. In a way, feminism is a relief to them. They can relax a little of the burden of responsibility. It will take many years before they accept that things have changed in the roles of men and women. Their response is to stop opening doors for women, not letting them sit down, or blocking their progress in the work place. This is a result of THEIR insecurity not the invisible woman. This is a petty way of “fighting” feminism but something they do regardless.
If I feel like I’m not being treated fairly, I speak up and tell my boss. It’s obvious I’m working in a good old boys network and not getting promoted because of that. I don’t hesitate to remind my male boss any time I feel slighted. I have told him I have a perfect age and gender discrimination suit against the company should I feel the urge to bring it. No promotions yet but I have gotten plenty of nice raises. It’s all about making a living, not about the title for me. I’m too advanced in years to worry about what people call me. By the way, I do get paid a generous salary for the job I do and I’m good at what I do. My boss recognizes my skill even though his personality is far from perfect. I’m certainly not bitching about that.
At the same time, I want to look good for ME. If I past my own muster in the morning, what other people think is unimportant. I think its the nature of the species to primp and preen. This goes for men as well as women. Good looking guys and gals get promoted faster than average Joes. That’s a societal fact. Women are still in second place because the feminist movement is not over. Old fashioned ideas still prevail among men that women are the weaker sex. If I needed to dye my hair to advance, I would. It might be worth a few bucks to advance. That’s my decision. I don’t dye my hair because I feel I’ve earn every beautiful silver strand on my head.
I think the whole thing is a matter of security. If one is insecure, one needs things to prop up self-esteem and make a statement. The degree of one’s self reinvention is based on the amount of individual self-esteem. I’m enough of my own critic that I don’t go out of the house without every one of my stylishly cut hairs in perfect place. It makes me feel good, confident and ready to conquer the world. I don’t need any one else to define my looks or my place in society. At my age, I know I’m successful.
As I get older, 62 this year, I realize that what’s good for me whether it’s taking care of myself or working smarter is what keeps me confident and alive. This is the way I look and I’ve earned it. Every wrinkle and every grey hair is a Ribbon of Valor for the life I’ve lived. Been there, done that. Until someone has walked every moment in my shoes, they have no reason to judge me. Isn’t this what Christ taught us? Judge not lest ye be judged.
Just a story, my boss commented that I always have a particular scowl expression on my face and exagerates how he thinks I look. I told him, this is the face I have and that’s what it looks like when I walk around. If he wants me to have a different looking face, he’ll have to pay for it. He’s younger than me. He quit making fun of me. He has a bad sense of humor but I recognize that’s the way he is and I don’t have to like him just get along with him.
I say, if it feels good, do it.
I love how confident you are and your points about where we are in the feminist ‘cycle’, if you will.
I was talking to my husband, who was raised by a feminist and who is a feminist, about how we kind of shot ourselves in the foot a little bit by proclaiming ‘I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never let you forget you’re a man’ because so much kept being our responsibility even though we were working just as hard, just as many hours, sometimes with morning sickness and carrying around a baby inside for 10 months (ok, where did that 9-month myth come from? 40 weeks is 10 months men!). I think women had to take that stance back then or they would not have been ‘allowed’ to get a job…’Fine, get a job, but everything around here better stay the same!’…can’t you just hear that.
I think that younger women have the opportunity to — right from the git go of their relationship — insist on equal loads of housework (not rigid rules, but hey, we both pitch in do what needs doing), equal spending decision power, and so on.
As far as door opening and the social graces, those are what they are and I still think the different physicality of men and women make that okay — I like it when my husband or other men open doors for me, pull out my chair, take that extra bag of groceries or say ‘oh,let me get that’ when I am trying to hoist something obviously heavy. They usually are physically stronger so that is just common courtesy — I mean, I carried heavy things for my grandma, right?
Life and feminism and growing older is a journey and I agree, if it feels good, do it!
I am 63 and people think I am in my 40′s—–it is mostly genetic….my mother is 88 and still has brown hair…she is 4 feet 9 inches and 94 lbs….I am a little taller, but weigh more than that! I do what makes me feel good, and dress in my own style; I have never followed fashion or advice……Always been my own person.
I think attitude has a lot to do with how we look. If you have a beautiful glowing spirit, it shows on the outside. I am a dancer, singer, author and poetess, and back in school after winning a women’s scholarship, because I wrote about my life. I detest women’s magazines…..all about diet, exercise and how to fix everything that is “wrong” with us.
I want to learn about what is going on in the world, and how to make it a better place. Please….I learned how to do makeup, clothes, exercise, blah, blah years ago. I also….have no interest in celebrities…..boring.
I depend on my common sense and my never give up spirit.
Genes have a lot to do with how well we age, but how we take care of the bodies we are born with has a strong impact as well. I agree Alicia, our energy is better spent learning how to prolong the health of our bodies and less on fixing ouselves.