I think we are a generation struggling to find pride. We don’t wear it on our faces enough.
I just spoke to a plastic surgeon who, with pride, told me that his clientele is getting younger and younger because he’s now convinced he can keep them from ever having wrinkles. Okay. So what is that? An authority?
Now I think there are great plastic surgeons out there. I think there are great dermatologists who are really looking to prolong the health of women’s skin. That is a great approach. We have to do that. We have to stay out of the sun. There are lots of products we can use. There are cosmetics that make women’s skin actually look better.
But you have a group of authorities both in the media and in the medical world promoting the anti-aging movement. Think about that – anti-aging is anti-being 50. Anti-being 60. I don’t think that’s a great expression. And yet we take it for granted because we see it all the time.
I had to chuckle because misery loves company! I've been in a funk for days now. I call all these types of things "the mosquitos" of life. It's like one more thing and you're going to pull the trigger. What I hate and this seems to apply to m
Oh my gosh! I felt your inner pain ... and I apologize for the fact that when I got to the part about setting your hair on fire, I laughed. I'm so glad you weren't hurt, and hair grows back. Perhaps a new hair-do would not only rectify the situation 
There is no such thing as a legal separation in my state..The only way I can get husband out of the house is to force him out..He refuses to leave..I would have to file for divorce and get temporary orders including a restraining order..
I feel so
There is a big difference between coloring your hair and getting Botox. I lived through Bell’s Palsy which froze my face as if I had a stroke. I would never intentionally inject a poison in my face that could potentially have dangerous side effects. For what? To look 58 instead of 59? We have become a society obsessed with looking “perfect” which is why I started my Authentic Me Campaign. My goal is to redefine the word Beauty. Please watch television commercials and read magazine ads that are targeting our age group and understand that the goal is to make us feel inadequate and encourage us to buy their products and services so that WE can be beautiful, too! I don’t curse but I will say that this is CRAP!! I feel that our generation… smart, savvy women need to say ENOUGH ALREADY!! Our daughters and granddaughters deserve better!!
These responses lead me to believe that gray works for different women at different times of their lives. My sense is that if our generation increasingly experimented with finding ways to wear gray hair with elegance and style, we might have an impact on the next generation. We can create style, by confidently showing how to wear gray well. Imagine, if large groups of women in the media joined every day women and decided to make gray the “new look!” Just like torn jeans, tongue rings or visible bra straps were once seen as unkempt and unattractive, these styles have become a fashion statement, worn by young — and not so young. Well, why not gray? I’ve had the idea of suggesting to women executives at advertising agencies that they try having their young models dye their hair gray, illustrate them in fashion magazine to see if it catches on. We know how much the media influences how we see what is beautiful, so you never know the impact that would have. Grey could be the next new thing in fashion. Wouldn’t that be “nice and easy” for us baby boomers?
I believe that going gray or not going gray is a total individual choice. I have had others tell me that if I went gray I would look older, and I do believe that. I also believe that when a younger person sees a woman with gray hair, maybe from the back or whatever, she is more apt to be helpful if the woman is doing something she knows nothing about, the younger woman will step in and offer assistance. They will also call you ma’am.
I was also called “miss” just the other day instead of the usual ma’am. I was dressed smartly and did not have gray hair. It is a first impression and like suggested above, if you are in the job market, then you have to compete. I agree that if a lot of authoritative older women in the job force would go gray, then it would open up more doors for the ones trying to find work in an overcrowded, younger women market.
So do as you please, meaning what pleases you. If you want to go gray and feel that it is the right time and the right move for you, do it for you. Let the chips fall where they may. Your family and friends will get used to it, and if some don’t, who cares? Having young women dye their hair gray will not encourage older woman to do so. Just look at their younger faces and chic styles, that is all part of the package that will make their gray hair look totally different on them than it will an older woman. There is too much being made of going gray or not going gray. Women, make up your own mind. As for me, I am not ready. I may be someday, but on the inside, I don’t feel “gray” yet.
Some people look horrible with blonde hair and some look horrible with red or black but they do it anyway. Why aren’t people happy with the color that really look’s best on them? As you age your skin tone changes, as will your hair. Go with what compliment’s your coloring. I don’t personally mind my few gray’s, I feel I’ve earned them and I am proud of them. I would color them if they didn’t look right with my skin tone. I have changed the color of my highlight’s to match more with the color’s coming in at the temple’s. It’s still about maintenance. More grooming and less complaining !!!
Would be interesting to see how much time we spend on grooming. Grooming to me is being clean in body and clothes, my hair is combed, usually I have manicured hands and feet. That’s about it. It takes me all of 15 minutes to get ready for work. I think we all have different ideas as to what a well groomed person is. I love the variety.
What a wonderful idea! With the resurgence of Betty White, maybe this is an opportune time to try these things.
I have never dyed my hair so just have gray hair that came on gradually and so it never made me look “older” – I just looked the way I looked. Now people who haven’t seen me in a long time might be surprised by the grayer but not so much as when a woman who has dyed her hair her entire life suddenly becomes ill or unable to dye it anymore – then it will seem to her friends and family to age 20 years in a few months like my mother and grandmother. I figure why shock people later just go gray natural. I do wish there were more products for gray hair – now that my hair is mostly gray I have had to change products to blonde products because the dark stuff discolored my hair.
Morning, Shimmering Lights, Clariol keeps gray from brassyness, and stay silver or white. Do not leave on more then 5 minutes, will turn purple!…TRACK
Think about that.There are so few women 50 + in the public eye-so few CEOS,news anchors, politicians, writers, and celebrities with gray hair and I have to reiterate, there are some very good reasons. Gray is not percieved as sexy ( still important ) or youthful ( meaning healthy, energetic, contemporary in attitude) and unless you can pull it off with style and a chic sensibility- forget it ! Gray can certainly work against you in the job market unless you’re already powerful and monied and working for yourself. The wrong gray can make you look tired, drab and lacking in polish and maintenance. Like weight gain, gray is an easy excuse women often give themselves to stop caring about their looks. Right now there is a small dye-it-gray movement among 20-something models who use gray as an ironic fashion statement- they also have firm flawless bodies and faces. Why not give yourself every advantage to look better than you ever have before instead of slacking off ?
Why on earth would you say that not dying your hair is “slacking off”? Just because one doesn’t dye her hair doesn’t mean she doesn’t care or doesn’t do anything. I still wash and style my hair every day. I get a cut every 4 – 6 weeks. I use products…
Also your comments above are a bit of a generalization.
1. There are many natural hair colors out there that are dull and mousy, whether they be blonde, brunette or redhead but they are natural. Should every mousy blonde use highlights just because her hair isn’t “great”, as you put it?
2. Gray hair is NOT always coarse and dull. My hair was coarser when I was young; now it is quite fine. With proper diet and proper products, all hair can look great.
3. ANY hair just grown long looks unkept and uncared for.
As someone else wrote on VN, “Going gray isn’t synonomous with letting go.” I liked that comment. Letting nature take its course as we transition to the next phase of life is not synonomous with neglecting ourselves. It actually can lead to the opposite. If we become less preoccupied with holding on to youth, we sometimes learn to care for ourselves in more meaningful and nurturant ways. Big difference between encouraging natural change and “slacking off or “letting go.”
I do believe in the power of hair color. The right color can provide a positive boost to mature facial skin. When you’re dealing with issues like hyperpigmentation, textural changes, wrinkles, fine lines and loss of definition hair color can be your #1 cosmetic advantage. I think gray is a choice one must make very carefully.Of course anyone’s hair color choice depends to a degree on personal style…or lack of it. You sound like you’re on top of things and happy with your looks so gray must be working for you.
It interests me that this post has become about gray hair. When I originally commented, we seemed to be discussing aging in general, and I included a link about actresses at the Oscars who’ve had plastic surgery.
I just threw in the comment about gray hair because it was something I had dealt with. I commented that my 20 year old daughter is so much happier when I wear makeup. I will add that she loves my gray hair! She is a student at Purdue and says when she moved home for the summer, she noticed “lots” of the moms who were helping their kids had gray hair.
I think it may be a boomer trend, I don’t know. I just know I had a lot of fun coloring my hair when I was young, but when it became “work” to keep the roots done, the fun went away, so I quit doing it! I was pretty surprised at how gray I was~ I had watched my husband go gray for years, don’t know what I thought was happening on my head! I can say, HE has never spent a moment of his life wondering whether he should cover his gray!
By the way, this post led me to order the book Face It, and it looks like it will be very helpful!
Lovesao, I’m really interested in hearing if you find the book “Face It: What Women Really Feel as Their Looks Change” helpful. When you read it, you will see that I wrote that reactions to gray hair (and other physical signs of change) are often reflections of more complicated emotions we have about our aging experience. It’s a good starting point for discussion and leads to deeper psychological/political/cultural issues women are dealing with today. The comments on this blog confirm for me what I found in researching the book; that getting older in today’s youth and beauty obsessed culture is a challenge for most women and that many of us want better solutions than those typically offered, whether is be plastic surgery, botox or just letting looks go by the wayside. The comments here may have digressed back and forth between the physical and the emotional, but both are important. And at least we are beginning to talk more openly to one another about the whole issue. Thanks for your comments. Let’s keep talking!
I just purchased Face It and as soon as I started reading it my thoughts were ” This book is about me.” Those are my internal feelings and when I try to explain it to my friends they say to me , What are you talking about you look great. Then I start to question myself which makes me crazy. Being apart of this blog and reading your book is beginning to help me feel validated about my feelings.
I’m hoping that “Face It” (and blog exchanges like this) help women become clearer about why they feel what they do at this time in their lives. Some women say they feel a sense of loss as they see the changes in their faces. Some feel scared or sad. Some even feel panic. Whether these are culturally induced, provoked by our biology, our personal or professional lives, women need to know they are not alone. And instead dismissing these feelings with “this shouldn’t be that important” or “don’t be silly,” we need to recognize that our attachment our youthful appearance is understandable. Loss and change is part of aging but not always easy to accept. Avoiding those emotions don’t make them go away. Likewise, getting a facelift doesn’t really resolve these complicated feelings either. Women who age gracefully find ways to come to terms with these emotions, let go and move on.
That’s what I want to do let go and move on. I feel that my uh-oh moment is how I see myself in my mind. In my mind the picture of myself is a young 25 year old image of myself. Then I’ll catch my reflection in window or department store mirror or see myself in a picture and then uh-oh who is that old person?
I’m loving this discussion! After having an epiphany in a hair salon, I decided to never color my hair again. HOW I was going to do that was a mystery, but I eventually found an option that worked for me. The gift in the process was, as my “silver lining” grew out, I was forced to come face-to-face with a deep well of emotional, social, spiritual and psychological issues around what it means to be a mature woman in a society obsessed with youth and manufactured beauty. It’s been my experience that we tend to get what we expect, so I knew that if I left this cauldron of beliefs and expectations unexamined, they would dictate my experience and stir up a low level anxiety about what was to come as I aged.
While we don’t all choose to go gray – we all come face-to-face with these beliefs about aging in our own way. For some it’s the wrinkles and rolls that get harder to cover or ignore, for others, the changing landscape of home and family, or a career coming to a close or becoming unfulfilling.
I love, love , LOVE my silver head of hair. It’s shiny, easy to manage…and short! But it’s not about the hair. It’s that the process of going gray gave me back my sense of authenticity. I was able to drop the roles and expectations that no longer served me, figure out who I am now, and make the choices that support me in living a purposeful life. Thank you for bringing this important topic to the forefront. I too, am a boomer aged author, and share my journey in: Amazing Grays – A Woman’s Guide to Making the Next 50 the BEST 50 (regardless of your hair color!)
I hope it’s okay that I mention my book here. There are so many great resources for maturing women, and I, for one, appreciate knowing where to find them. After all, I found you in this forum and now look forward to reading what you have to say!
I think the issue of gray hair has struck a sensitive cord, because women would like to be appreciated and accepted for who they are. Let’s face it, the onus has always been on women to do whatever it takes to remain youthful in appearance. Society as a whole has placed unreal expectations on women with regard to their physical appearance. An excellent example of this is how women are viewed in the Paleolithic world of corporations. Not much has change in the basic framework of these giant dinosaurs since the industrial revolution. The major tectonic changes took place only in the last couple of decades when women began breaking the glass ceiling and moving into top tier executive positions. It is still considered somewhat of a novelty for a woman to be CEO of a Fortune 500 company, although this is occurring with much more regularity than ever before. The male executives that dominate this culture seem to have no qualms in letting their hair turn gray. Men have always been told that they look “distinguished” when their hair begins to gray. For them it seems to be synonymous with wisdom and experience. However, women who decide to go gray are not viewed in the same positive light. I have worked in this archaic environment for more than 30 years and recently I have decided to push the envelope a bit by letting my hair take its natural course and go gray. I have arrived at a time in my personal and professional life where I feel that my accumulated experience and to some degree wisdom, should count for something. The women who broke ground in corporate American and those who came after them were not vacuous show pieces. They were and are women of considerable intellect and substance. Until we finally learn to feel comfortable in our own skin, we will continue to buy into the youth oriented, market driven belief that our self worth is inextricably linked to our physical appearance. Eleanor Roosevelt was far from being a runway model. By societal standards she was judged to be very plain. However, beneath that ordinary exterior was a beautiful and spirited woman full of humanity and considerable intelligence. She was a woman ahead of her time and she played a very important role on the world stage during a pivotal time in our country’s history. She left her mark on this world for all eternity. How she looked paled in comparison to what she accomplished. If I could have even the smallest slice of what she and other women like her in history had, I would be extremely content. The one common theme among these historical female role models is their deep sense of self and their commitment to their beliefs. Not all of us are going to live our lives as stunning beauties, but it does not mean we don’t have valuable lives. The aging process affects each of us in different ways. Much of it has to do with genetics and the rest with proper care in terms of our health and well being. Mostly, I strongly feel, that our true appeal and attractiveness does not come from our outward appearance as much as it does from an inner glow fired by a passion for living. If we are truly engaged with life it gives us a certain vivacity or as the French say … a “ je ne sais qua”; a certain charm , an indefinable enchantment. I am not negating the importance of being fit and healthy, I am simply saying that we miss a lot of what is real and important when we hyper focus on superficial appearance. Every woman must do what is comfortable and right for her, be it coloring her hair or having procedures done. I just want women to fully understand their value and worth apart from anything else. As Eleanor Roosevelt said … “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”.
You summed it up very nicely…TRACK
Gray hair on young models — now that would be interesting! Cool concept!
It’s pure and simply a case of media/pharma/medical bamboozlement!! We are such easy targets — and most of the bamboozlement comes from men! I’ve always wondered — did the bra really get invented by a man?? Most torture divices are!!!
I’m with you, Maggie – always wondered the same thing. So I just did a quick Web search and discovered quite a mixed-gender list of “inventers”. The snopes.com article is fun – http://www.snopes.com/business/origins/bra.asp. Here’s another take on it: http://www.mrbra.com/historyofbras.ivnu.
The chemical industry has been very successful in persuading us we don’t look good, smell good, eat well, get well or stay healthy without massive doses of manufactured substances. Estimates abound, but accurate figures are harder to find since they are sold by research companies. Here’s one interesting tidbit from TRESemmé (a hair products company): the average British woman spends $50,000 USD on her hair during her lifetime. (See The Cost of Gorgeous Hair.)
Nothing wrong with wanting to look our best, but I wonder if the billions of dollars spent annual actually make us happier and more satisfied with our lives. I’m pretty sure they don’t make our planet happier since the chemicals end up in our water and food supply.
Aging…fascinating topic. I’m thoroughly enjoying the discussion and am quite comfortable in my grey-topped, no-longer-skinny-but-fit-and-healthy body.
You are very right about the products that muck up the world for 15 minute ‘vanity’ fixes.
And how can you be anti-aging when it’s the most natural thing happening to you???
P.S. — also enjoying the discussion and comfortable in loose-fitting clothes, soft shoes, grey hair, healthy body, mind and spirit.
Cathryn didn’t mean you are anti-aging — only those who prefer chemical to natural.
I recall reading somewhere as well that the modern bra was invented by a woman in the early part of the 20th century.
At any rate, I include it in the trash bin of absurdities that tell us we are not acceptable as nature made us: corsets, girdles, make-up etc.
I am in my 60′s and have not worn a bra in years (excpet on rare occasions) Mostly I wear stretch camisoles. The bra is killing me by the end of the day; it restricts breathing. I am, btw, a 38D
There was a study done at a university in JApan during the early 1990′s that found that wearing of bras actually INCREASES sagging, especially in LARGE-breasted women.
I am also concerned about the effect on lymph nodes for women who wear bras all day, and even at night.
This reminds me of a story of a very dear friend of mine and how she made a decision back in her late forties to do away with her bra. She is a unique character and she disposed of her bra in a moment of spontaneity. She was out with friends for the evening and they were all caravanning to another place when they got stuck having to wait for a very slow train to pass. My friend, right then and there, removed her bra and tossed it out the window. Everyone in the other car following her just died laughing. That was soooo her. She hasn’t worn a bra since and like you, she prefers the camisoles. I personally think it was a blacksmith that invented the blast thing! I have, since the age of 15, had to wear bras with underwire. Though there have been some improvements over the years in the flexibility of the wire used, by the end of the day it feels as if I’ve been encased in a steel contraption. It is the first garment I remove as soon as I reach home. I was, unfortunately, given way too much “lung capacity” for my size and I have found that this capacity has, to my dismay, increased in menopause. For some women this may be a good thing and one of the upsides to the change. However, I have reached a point in the alphabet that is bordering on the absurd. I am seriously contemplating breast reduction.
Pam, I’m right there with you. It was the summer I turned 10 when my breasts blossomed from noting to a B cup. Since Perimenopause ( I am now Post Menopausal) they have blossomed past a 38DDD. I was told I would be better off in an E or G; I just won’t go there. I spend the mone on a darn good DDD instead (it seems the more I pay, I am able to fit comfortably in the DDD). I have been giving serious thought to a breast reduction at the age of 53. Although, the thought of elective surgery makes me a wee bit nervous. Time will settle this for me.
I am starting the wonderful stage of menopause at the age of 53 and have gained 10 pounds and gone from a 34D to a 36DD. Nothing fits right now
The freedom to chose how to look is an important goal for contemporary woman. Just because the topic is about our appearance, doesn’t make this issue superficial. It runs deep into the core of who we are as women, into our identity and sense of self.
Some women love the look (and don’t mind the feel) of the push-up bra. Some women, like you, find any bra constricting. Spanx works for some. Others wouldn’t spend an hour in it. The women who struggle, are those who feel we have to conform our appearance to a standard that others have made for us. As long as we feel comfortable with our choices and can enjoy how we look and feel, then we are enjoying the path our feminist forebearers paved for us. This is another phase of women’s liberation; increasing the freedom to chose how we want to be women in today’s world.
Amen
Well said. I have friends who walk out the door looking like fashion models and are drop-dead gorgeous women over 60, including one who is 94. I’d never be mistaken for a fashion model and am totally comfortable in my casual clothes, grey hair, and saggy bits. Fashion makes me yawn. Style makes me dance. Being able to carve out our own paths is a gift.
Yes, I wear bras to bed and everyday. I heard about the study also, however, my girls still have bounce and fairly firm, so I like them….TRACK
Track, be careful… A Harvard study in 1991 did show bra-free women had a lower rate of breast cancer than bra wearing women. …cancer and lymphatic experts advise women not to wear tight bras because it can impair lymphatic drainage from the arms and chest and cause lymphedema.
I am someone who was a 36E and was reduced to a 36C. My breasts grew back to 36DDDD; had cancer and was made a 36C. They’ve grown back again and I am a 36E. This is breasts growing back not weight gain on my part. When I wear underwire for too long, I can actually feel a lymph node in my armpit and it hurts so the restriction is a fact, not hearsay.
Well, now I am officially depressed. I had no idea that breast reduction surgery would not be permanent. I have been seriously considering having it done. I am currently a 42H and my back and neck hurt constantly. This is just too much weight on my upper body. However, it might be that I would luck out and not increase in size or at least not back to what I am now. I think anything at this point would be an improvement. I agree that by the end of the day, underwires are very restricting and bordering painful.
Thanks for the concern, maybe I’ll stop wearing one to bed…TRACK
There are Sleep Bras, which are very soft and not restrictive, if you feel uncomfortable with nothing at night.
If you wear it because YOU like it, that’s great. It’s the large number of women who are uncomfortable in a bra, but wear one anyway, because it’s socially mandated, that I speak to.
I went into a Victoria’s Secret store awhile back; they were having a sale on bras; a saleswoman greeted me at the door and asked me what size I wore…”I don’t wear a bra,” I said. Her look at me was aghast as if I had said I committed a crime.
BonnieC, No sale hon, hahaha…good for you…TRACK
Everybody is different. If we take the word “body” literally, then it gives more meaning to how our bodies are different and we deal with them differently –bras and otherwise. What bothers me about attitude of the Victoria Secret saleswoman described above, is that she reacted with surprise (and perhaps even disdain?) at the chioce made by another woman. Why surprise? That “everybody” is different?
My experience when I tell another woman that I don’t always wear a bra is more often envy, not disdain (could it be because I live in NYC?). Some tell me how lucky I am that I still have a dancer’s body that doesn’t require a bra. I never had large breasts and years of working out has kept me in shape. But I tell other women that there are ‘ups and downs” to all shapes and sizes. I may not have to wear a bra, but that means I don’t have the curves that some other women enjoy. “Viva la difference.” We should come up with a phrase in English like this French one and bring it into American culture.
I have been watching this conversation blossom for weeks. It is a vibrant and refreshing example of the change which you say is coming in the way mature women will percieve themsleves and will be perceived by society.
Recently I was asked to comment on women who have experienced changes in their bodies due to age and who are happy with the changes
Below is my response but first, thank you for the stimulating this rich pool of thought and for giving so many of us a place to raise our voices.
I would like to suggest to you that based on my experience interviewing woman 50+,there is another possible approach to your article.
For example I have gained approximately 20 pounds in the last 10 years since my 50 birthday.
Am I happy with that…no. I would like to have those skinny thighs and flat tummy back again. I have always been slim and this new “matronly” figure does not thrill me at all.
However, happiness or sadness over my new appearance is not the issue . I have developed and am still developing, a whole new perspective on life which allows me to still be happy with me and my life, 20 pounds up or not.
I remember distinctly the internal conversation I had with myself about my weight gain while trying in vain one day to struggle into my old skinny jeans.
I knew I could beat this weight thing. I could change my diet drastically and accelerate my exercise program but…why?
I am not unhealthy, still within a “normal” or average weight range and active enough to have good heart and muscle health.
So what would drive me to deny myself the food and wine I love and to take time from other pursuits I prefer?
I realized it would not loose those pounds for me but for the external validation that so much of my body image concerns had catered too all my life
So I raised the weight point that was acceptable to me. I can look in the mirror and most days say…that is fine.
I have changed my clothing style but fabulously to suit my personality.
I am known to be flamboyant in my clothes and I celebrate my flare and my nomadic life style by wearing wonderful fabrics which come from all over the world.
Yes I have left the tighter pants and pencil skirts, size 2, behind but what I wear now is for me and I can still feel very sexy. This feeling comes now from a deep and confident place inside me so it is there no matter what the external world gives back to me.If others like what they see that is nice but if they don’t …quite frankly I don’t care…now that is a freedom that is the gift of aging.
I found in my research for Fifty and Fabulous; The Best Years of a Woman’s Life that this internal evaluation process is applied to many areas of life from sexuality to personality.
As we become more conscious of ourselves and self knowledge fills us up we also begin the process of accepting ourselves. In the acceptance is the ability to be at peace with something that is not perhaps ideal.
I would like to have a perfectly flat tummy but I do not and I value other things so much more than that now . I accept my shape and my acceptance of my shape and I live peacefully with the ambiguity of wanting a flat tummy and being quite happy without one
We gain in aging, what many women have lacked their entire lives…comfort in our own skin.
Thank you for sharing. That is exacting what I am trying to give myself permission to do. I have also put on 20 pounds since entering the wonderful phase of my life called menopause. Yes it is sad to let go of the young slim body as everything turns into cottage cheese, but your right how much effort do I want to put onto it. There are so many wonderful things going on right now in my life so I think I’ll put my energy into them.
Cottage cheese? I love that …my new name for cellulite. I am sure this will make me embrace those little bumps so much more!
Thank you for your comment and have fun out there
I just want to add to Jacki’s and Emalani’s comments by reminding us all, that the psychological process that helps women eventually feel Fifty and Fabulous includes experiencing loss. Sometimes this loss runs deeper and feels stronger than we anticipate because it is often provoked by what we dismiss as a superficial issue –our changing appearance. But loss of our shape, our strength or our youthful self-image strikes at the core of our identity, of who we are as women. The loss requires letting go of an experience of ourselves that we have come to know. Yes, as Jacki says, trying to hold on or hold back these changes is not worth the effort and is inevitably impossible. That is the challenge facing maturing women. We have to learn to mourn the losses, accept the changes and be open to what is next. We learned to move on from childhood to adolescence and into adulthood and we need to be flexible as we approach midlife. Since we now live decades beyond menopause, (unlike any previous generations), we need to look forward rather than backward. We need to allow ourselves feeling of sadness about our losses, so we can embrace the pleasures available to us in our futures.
Mahalo for all the sharing! It is really helping me move on with a more positive attitude.:)
I agree with you Dr Diller that part of the experience of aging is loss, indeed part of the experience of life is loss.
To understand a woman’s role in society 50+ I interviewed women who embraced this time of their lives, vibrant, sparking women from 45 to 102. I called these women the Women of the Harvest because they nourished their lives with a harvest of self knowledge which they had accumulated by living both the good and the bad days of their years up to the present.
One Woman of the Harvest told me, reflecting on the obsession to stay young, “It is sad to age in fear of the absence of something you don’t have anymore, like youth.” But in Western society particularly, the prevalent image of aging is one of loss.
The Women of the Harvest are not exempt from the natural processes of age. They endure their own physical decline as an inescapable reality. It is not that life presents a different reality for those who have embraced aging. It is their attitude toward our shared reality that distinguishes them.
This distinguishing attitude appears to have something to do with their ability to live in the present and to accept what that present moment brings, both good and bad.
My experience with grief is one of deep pain in the moment which eases with time and never completely leaves but settles in some place inside me where I can live with it as part of what I have become because of it.
When I talk about accepting the changes in my body I do not suggest I am frivolously dismissing that which is causing me pain or turning my back in denial. I know these are temporary band aids at best.
I speak of acceptance as the process of acknowledging there is something present which I do not like, do not prefer, a change that has moved me from a state I would like to have kept …and so there is pain . But I also know that change is the way of life and one day it will bring what I enjoy and the next day something I would much prefer to be without.
When acceptance comes it is a great blessing because without it I waste my time fighting something in the mistaken belief that it should not exist. That fight in my opinion is the cause of suffering and pain is bad enough without suffering.
Of course this acceptance does not always come but when it does and I can be present for whatever is here I never cease to be amazed at what else the change has brought to my life.
Thank you again fora great stimulating VN discussion
Jaki, your ideas are so well thought out and beautifully written. I am very grateful for being invited to join the interchange between women on this site who have shared so much wisdom and generosity. I have a lot to learn from “Women of the Harvest.” If we keep the conversation going and keep learning from each other, who knows what other gifts might come as we age!
We have here the gift of meaningful conversation… aren’t we lucky?
Like you Vivian I am very grateful for not only VN and the fabulous women here but for the yeras that brought me here.
To all those who have taken time to write to this post, I just wanted you to know that as a result of this interesting interchange, I suggested that Vibrant Nation offer, “Face It: What Women Really Feel As Their Looks Change” for their book club so it can help stimulate the kind of attitude some of you seem to have embraced on your own. It hasn’t been selected as of yet, but I hope it will be. You see, for a lot of women in my practice, they don’t see things the way some of you describe above. They talk about feeling anxious as they approach 40, 50 and beyond. They are pessimistic about their future and angry at the limitations that age brings. I would like to hear the reactions my book gets from others on this site, to see if the stories from the women I wrote about resonate with them. Are these struggles more prevalent in NYC where my patients are from? From cities on the East and West Coast that are more youth and beauty obsessed? Having spoken to journalists from other big cities, like Paris, London, Tokyo, Dublin, Lisbon and Buenos Aires, I think this is an international struggle, but I would like to hear from women from small towns, real women from outside of the media.
If any of you have time, I would appreciate it if readers here suggest “Face It” as a book club selection on VN or any women’s site. I think it just may stimulate more interesting conversation and may even get me to write my next book! Meanwhile, we can all try to spread the positive attitude about women, aging and their future. When you feel good, it feels even better to share the good feelings with others, right? And, if more of us midlifers walked around feeling grateful, as Jaki wrote above, for the years that have brought us here, we would see more smiles and more beauty around us.
I’m a third of the way through the book, Vivian, and I can tell you it is forcing me to “face” my own masks. I’ve always been comfortable about aging but realize, in reading your book, there are things I’ve pushed aside and need to grapple with. I’ll write more of a reaction after I finish the book.
I look forward to hearing what you think after you are done. I am hoping the book Face It continues to stimulate conversation on this topic and opens women up to their own thoughts and feelings, that like you, may have been “masked.” Beauty is an issue that often is dismissed as irrelevant in the aging process especially among smart, evolved women. So I hope the book offers a way for women to find a solution to how to keep their aging appearance in balance with other aspects that clearly matter too. Let me know what you think.
Attitude is paramount in this journey. The only thing that declines in most of us in our bodies. If we work to keep our minds sharp we can grow still. We are not our bodies, we are so much more and when these bodies give out we still have capacities to love, to give, to take, and grow and that is what we all must embrace. Focusing on the losses attracts more loss, focus on what you still have, still can do will attract that creative force that says, “I can’t run a marathon anymore, but I can support those who can by volunteering, or walk in my beautiful garden, and be thankful that I can walk, for there are many farther in the journey who cannot.”
No one seems to be asking “WHY do we want to continue to look young?” Do women feel that beauty is their currency in life, like men feel they are valued by how much they make?What do we feel we will lose by getting old? Attention? Validation from men? Participation in the affairs of humanity? What is it? I’m seriously asking!
Katie, These are excellent questions, For me I like to look good no matter what my age is! I do take care…TRACK
p.s. Don’t want to go back to thirty even for looks…
I’m responding here again to Katielli’s question “WHY” (as I did previously in an earlier reply) because I wanted to make sure that TRACK, you read it too. This reply supports your feeling that you “like to look good no matter what” your age is. I wrote:
Katielli, it’s not true that no one is looking at the questions you raise. These issues are of great interest to me and others who are researching this area, so I’m glad you are “seriously asking.” For the long answer, I’m going to refer you to the book I wrote called, “Face It: What Women Really Feel As Their Looks Change” which has some good answers to your questions. Take a look at it, especially chapter 6, called “Letting Go and Moving On.”
Here, though, is my short answer. There are research studies showing that beauty has biological roots and that humans are hard wired to find youthful attractiveness appealing. Sociologists look at our culture for explanations, describing how youth has become equated with beauty in media, which reinforces this equation and narrows the standards of what we see as attractive. Anthropologists examine the association between attractiveness, fertility and survival of the species. For millions of years women’s role was to attract a mate and procreate and though our roles have changed dramatically, (especially post feminism), old habits die hard. From this point of view, you are correct that attractiveness serves as a kind of currency and power. Existentialists offer another perspective, focusing on how the fear of death is avoided by a constant yearning for youth. An aging face makes us confront our mortality and human go to great lenghts to avoid that experience.
This brief summary simplifies a very complex issue, but take a look at a more in depth discussion in my book. I describe what women really feel as their looks changes, giving psychological explanations to the impact these changes have on the core of who we are. I’d be interested if you find that “Face It” has satisfactory answers to your very valid questions.
Therre are societies that revere and respect thier elders. Ours is not one of them. I hope the “baby boomers” can change this. (Yes I am one of them)
In America today, the aged are often thought to be weak, forgetful and non-productive. It’s very difficult for a person over 50 to find a new job or change careers, even though the statistics show that older workers are productive.
I still say much is taught at HOME! Our children see and hear what grown folk adore and admire and wish for themselves. If our son continually hear who’s pretty, attractive, beautiful according to Mom and Dad, plus relatives, friends they are programmed already against certain feature and looks AND AGE.
If your son brings an older female home, mostly mom will not like his choice, She’s too old for you! Mom is not concerned about his happiness but grandchildren he might not even want children, you see her choice about what she wants. We teach our children against age, and not let them see the different beauty there is in others. When daughter says she is bring home boyfriend what is ask of her, “Is he good-looking or handsome?, nothing about character or how he’s treating her first! We have programmed our young people against ourselves.
Women here on VN talk about how men say they’re too old, when the males themselves are old! But these males remember what was taught at home and choose accordingly. How these grown males don’t consider women over 50 much. We are living what we have taught…TRACK