Nephew and his wife have been married for four years now. No kids and they have been having problems that are clearly visible to us. We have basically raised him and he is like a son to us.
Two weeks ago he phoned to give us the heads up that he has separated for a time from his wife to try to figure things out and decide if he wants to get a divorce. He did not disparage her in any way and just said that they could not seem to get along and they were fighting all the time and that was not what he wanted in a marriage. I think that emotionally he is gone from the marriage already. There is no other woman involved, he is just so dreadfully unhappy.
To be honest, having seen the kind of stress in their marriage even when they are trying to hide it from us, this was a relief.
Now I get an email from her asking me to intercede and then she proceeds to tell me all the things he has done wrong and never once does she, in this very long missive, admit that she also might be at fault. From what we have seen it is some of her and some of him and some of life in general. She also asks me not to tell him that she emailed me as he might think it was underhanded of her.
Oh boy! I am responding briefly that I will not get involved, that they are two adutls and they will have to work this out or not but I will not be the go-between. I will not tell him that she emailed me as how would that help the situation besides making him angry that she is involving us.
I guess what I do not understand is that, when they are both young and able to live alone and they have been steadily on a downward spiral for at least two years, why would she want to continue with this. She is not a religious person at all. So why live like that when you could part amicably and go on with your life?
I usually love the show - but Stacy London always pisses me off when she says "slacks without a zipper are not real slacks."
She's a stylist. As such she dresses perfect Hollywood bodies. Even into their 60's and 70's - most of these women find wa
You need a plan. The book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse. Knowledge is power. You can call the domestic violence hotline; a woman's shelter; get into counseling. 1 i
You're welcome, Linda. I agree with you. I do read novels with younger characters, but I get a little tired of the immaturity sometimes, and the issues that don't need to be issues. A mature adult is so much more interesting. And, I enjoy Elizabeth B
Some people just can’t or won’t let go, because the other one already has. She may want to be the one that walks away on her terms, and this is why she is still hanging on.
She also is looking for allies to have on her side. Very immature on her part.
I’m glad that you took the neutral stance in all of this, it may prove to be difficult later, but try to not take sides in this. That way you won’t be blamed, or get hurt in the end.
Good luck.
In a word, FEAR….Fear of the unknown, of being alone, etc., etc…….Will they get counseling?
I stayed for 31 years.
Fear is where I am Alicia – I’ve stayed for 35 years, through, I believe, a misguided sense of responsibility for my husband since I was a girl of 20. It has served only to make this worse. Oh to have had on older head on a young person’s shoulders.
Now that you know what you know……do you want to leave? It is never too late to make a good decision for your life. xoxo, Alicia
I agree- living in a loveless marriage with daily stress is not worth it. I would rather live in a single room with serenity rather than in a stressful situation because stress destroys your health and your enjoyment of life. You deserve to find some happiness and yes, it will be scary and new and difficult at first as all new things are. But it will also be exciting and fulfilling and you will discover strengths you do not even know you have right now. Just do the preparation work first quietly so the transition will be easier. Life is meant to be lived, not just endured.
Check out the “daughter-in-law” posts. it is now 4 pages of very sage advice, information, tears, most of the women there have watched this train wreck, or been in the train wreck. Good site for info.
I am new to this website and cannot find what you called the “daughter-in-law posts”. Can you direct me to where I can fine these? The description sounded good. Thanks Linda
Sorry for the delay, hip surgery and associated issues. Click on the topics line, family and Relationships. After than it you scroll thru and click next and next and …… you will find “Daughter-in-Law-Problems”. I recall it is a wealth of information, wisdom, and guidelines to participation.
Aside from that, know that no matter what you do or do not do someone will make you the “bad guy”. It saves them from taking personal responsibility. It is blame anyone before being accountable.
I also think it is NEED To be RIGHT that holds people back. I need to be right so that you know you are truly less than me. Cheap, tawdry, and ineffectual however has not yet stopped anyone from doing it. She may “need” to stay so that she is right; she always knew he would leave her, so she behaved in such a way that it became true.
Just saying .. fear of being left alone, left out, left …. is not true because the individual is indeed left out, left alone .. and it is due to offensive behaviour. Physical distance is the only difference, some are alone together and some are alone individually.
Sad Sad Sad and (happily) curable.
I too believe it is fear —fear you may not find someone else, that you may languish in loneliness forever, that you may go from the frying pan to the fire. Fear of the unknown! It’s the letting go of the “happily ever after” dream. Sometimes there’s that little piece of hope that keeps us hanging on; praying something or someone changes and makes it all better. Denial. It takes courage to admit no relationship is better than a bad one.
Sandi – I feel from your post that you have entered inside my head! So observational and exaclty how it is for me. I am digging deep to find the courage to set us both free. At the age of 57, I have been married since I was 21 to a man I’ve known all my life yet do not love (except as a life long connection). I will have to decide soon – it is killing us both. He will not leave – why should he, is his question. And indeed, why. It is me who has withdrawn and should do the “honorable ” thing. It’s so hard.
I understand. I got a divorce after 36 years of abuse. I was afraid of being alone….and maybe for the rest of my life; it has been 8 years now. The lonliness hasn’t gotten better (but then I am a quarter of the population ..a HSP…Highly sensitive personality. I don’t get over ANYthing, LOL, LOL
One little sentence helped me make the decision: “Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself………win.” The decision was excruciating: I waffled for years and years. I still mourn over what I never had……a loving marriage. I pray for a husband every day. I hate being alone, even tho I work full time, and am a Freshman in college age 66, etc………I never wanted to get a divorce because of the alone, thing, but I did!!
I 100% understand what you’re saying Alicia…the fear of being alone the rest of our lives can be a daunting thought…better to stay and know the enemy can become our mindset —at least we’re not on this journey by ourselves, even if it’s the journey to hell and back! Now of course, we know that’s not true …to give up your sense of self, to compromise your self-respect, to lose your dignity, to do ‘whatever’ just to be with a partner. In the end you lose your very soul. Some of us yearn to be part of a couple, to simply share this journey with another. But some of us made bad choices. We stayed way longer than we should have. Oh to have the wisdom then that you have now; to have listened to that inner-voice, that part that was “trying to save” yourself way back when!. Oh to just have had the foresight to leave in the beginning. You’d have time on your side to start again! But right now, that’s water over the dam as they say…So do we pine away for someone while the clock keeps ticking? Begin the ultimate search for another partner? Or live our lives, and let fate dictate if maybe we’ll be at the right place at the right time to meet Mr. Wonderful? Yes, you made the right decision in the end, even if it took 36 yrs…you may be alone right now, but you are a successful vital woman who is maybe sometimes lonely, but thriving. No “togetherness” is worth abuse, because that’s not really having a partner anyway.