Have you ever had the experience where you are in a conversation, ask a question and the answer is directed not at you but at the man or woman standing next to you ??? It seems to happen to me quite often…. especially when it is a man speaking. For example…. I am an active, vibrant, outgoing, single woman. I Bought a camper van for myself for my 65 birthday last year. I want it all checked over and all neccessary repairs done before I head off with my dog on a 6 week cross Canada trip this spring…. Yesterday I had a male friend drive me to the repair shop to pick up my van after having the generator fixed. When I asked the tecnician to show me how to start, maintain and run it… he directed all of his ‘answers’ to my friend !!!!! repeatedly!!!! even when I physically moved in front of my friend….
This happens quite often to me and I don’t know how to handle it ….. any suggestions ??? Have you ever been in this situation ??? How did you handle it ???
All suggestions greatly appreciated … Thanks, Chris.
I made the decision to go grey a few weeks ago. Actually, I had been wanting to do it for a long time but couldn't find a stylist who seemed keen on working with me. I am 53, a school teacher and look probably 10 years younger, and i was being told 
I wrote this in 2003 and recently discovered it in a desk drawer!
HI, Sylvestercat,
Do an online search of the topic "housing exchange," or "house- or home- exchange," and lots of things will pop up.
There is a busy hot-topic conversation thread going on under "Other Topics" and "Shared Housing Alternatives" on
Being invisible is a part of getting older. I notice when the person I speaking with is young and feeling upset that all the hot younger women and men are being helped by some one else and he/she is stuck helping me, the old lady!
You have to say, “Direct your conversation to me”. It may seem rude but let’s face it they are being rude and don’t realize it!
Hi Harlee… This seems to hapen even when I’m in a social situation…. with any age of person…. I’d really love to figure out why?? and what I can do differently to feel like I’m part of the conversation…..
I so agree,i get that too,i am over 60 myself,and it is a frustrtion!
I am finding i have to get myself in a power mode to get things done!
Bren
Thanks Brenda…
It just seems weird that if there are 3 people in a group… socially or businesswise…. one can ask a question of another and the answer is directed to the person who has been silent….. Does this make any sense to you???
This was even going on when I owned a retail store and the sales reps would come in…. I was the owner and the one they should be addressing… but often, if my employee was standing next to me, they would speak to her. I always try to make eye contact when I’m having a conversation with someone… could they feel intimidated ???
I am clean and neat, dress appropriately, have been very successful in most of my life challenges and have a positive happy outlook on life…… I love meeting new people and can get along with most everyone…. but this has become a major pet peeve !!!!!!!!!!!
I often experienced this in the business world, even when I was the “boss”. I’d be in a meeting, suggest something, and it would be ignored or barely acknowledged. A while later, a male colleague would suggest the same thing, rephrased sometimes to disguise, but often not, and most often it would be accepted. Sometimes the proposed idea, etc., would begin a rousing discussion, and the colleague would get even more acclades or “atta boys” for “bringing so much to the table”. This happened to me at several places of employment and fields. So much so, I joined several women’s management groups, took tons of courses/seminars, etc. It never really stopped; I just got smarter about how I phrased things or offered proposals. Sigh.
I’m reading everyone’s posts and I’m getting damned mad! This world just hates women and I’m not sure what to do about it. I keep thinking we have to do something really radical but what exactly do we do? And many women will not do something radical! Honey in my world I live by the “Just say no” method as much as possible. If I don’t like it, I make a LOUD fuss and “Just say no”! Nancy Reagan had the right slogan that can be used in a lot of situations.
I refuse to believe that it’s part of being older. No, it’s not! It is rude behavior. It is learned behavior. And, if we accept it, with our tails between our legs so to speak, as victims, then we contribute to the problem. The car mechanic probably thought the male friend was your husband or boyfriend….and thought since “he” would be paying for the expenses or taking care of the vehicle then the mechanic should direct the conversation to the “man in charge” . This has happened to me before, but I make sure the person understands I am the one they need to address, it is MY vehicle, MY money they will be getting, and MY attention they need to get. That is just good customer service. Also, the person with you should also back you up by saying, this is her vehicle, etc. Not speak for you, but back you up. But, when we ladies start thinking in terms of our assertiveness and dignity, and stop worrying about appearing “not lady-like” or “not nice” or “uncooperative”, as we have been trained by society to be…then we will see a difference, because we will not allow this to happen or continue. This is not radical, this is just the way we should all be treated. Unfortunately, we live in a world where prejudice in all forms are plentiful, including treating women as second-class citizens. And, also, unfortunately, the only way that prejudice will stop is when we ALL fight against it and not accept it as part of aging, being a woman, etc.
Thanks Maia….
I really appreiciate your comments and perspective….and agree that we can’t just sit back and allow ourselves to be treated disrespectfully…. I will try to find a friend who can observe the situation and give me some honest feedback.
This has plagued me most of my life…. I was a VERY shy child and even as I got older wanted to stay in the background in any group situation. I have worked on this for years….. I have always been fairly assertive when pushed… especially in one on one…. but by then I’m frustrated and probably not very tactful….
I have created and managed many small businesses.. the biggest was a very successful Optical Store and was awarded Best Emerging Business in Western Canada in my second year……I have read many books, listened to dozens of tapes and gone to many seminars on self developement over the years… My favorite mentor being Wayne Dyre…. whose work I discovered in my 30′s with ‘Erronious Zones’ and ‘Pulling Your Own Strings’….. Still … I have this challenge of being ignored when I am the actual person who should be addressed.
This month I will be 66…. and still feel and look early 50s… have lots of very exciting and productive years left. This is my biggest personal challenge to myself and with all of your support and suggestions I will beat it !!!!!!!
I joined Toastmasters 3 years ago to help overcome my absolute terror of public speaking and it has helped a lot…..
This happens a lot when it’s a guy next to you and you are at a place where men are more common, like when you take your car in for service. I have had this experience since I was a teen. I think they are just more comfortable talking to other men! I have actually come very close to saying, “Could you please speak to me as if I was the owner of the car, BECAUSE I AM!”
It’s very frustrating. I have even caught service guys passing stuff off as “repairs” when they haven’t really solved the problem. I try hard not to get angry, because once you are labeled as “the bitch with the CRV” it’s all over. A friend of mine who is a service manager at a local car dealership told me there is a fund for doing things at no charge for customers. However, if you come in yelling and demanding, you won’t get any favors from him. Good thing to know!
That said, when it is anyone you are standing there with, you have another problem. My pet peeve is when patiently wait my turn to ask a question in a group, the speaker looks at me and before they can answer, someone else asks another question and mine goes ignored. I really don’t understand the dynamics of that, but it’s amazing how often it happens.
I read a book a long time ago in my 20s about women in the workplace, and how to move up the ladder to get promoted. It had a lot of good advice that I hadn’t thought about, like first of all, most men don’t even realize women wish to be promoted! You have to make them aware of this. The book was more about speaking up for yourself and making your thoughts known.
I used to work at an ad agency as a Art Director. In meetings with the client (which were all men), the clients would bring up a concern about how to photograph their product in a creative way for their catalog and I would jump in with some really amazing, innovative ideas. However, they would just look at me, expressionless and then continue the discussion as if I hadn’t said anything of importance. Five minutes later, the photographer would then repeat my idea as if it were a new idea to him, and everyone would go nuts over this incredibly creative idea. I wanted to shoot him, AND the client.
Reading more books on this subject, it turns out to be an assertiveness thing. The books suggested that I interrupt at that point and point out to the group that “Yes, that is exactly what I was talking about a few mintues ago. Let me explain that in more detail for you… “ Thereby taking the ownership of the idea back, and moving forward with it, now having the group’s attention. There is a lot of this sort of thing going on in business meetings everywhere.
My suggestion to you is to start reading books about how to assert yourself in conversation. Perhaps it is the way you present yourself, or how you stand. It could be the look on your face, or many subtle things you aren’t even aware of.
Obviously you can eliminate the problem by going in yourself to speak to whomever, so that there is no other person to regard as they respond. But it sounds like you are in plenty of situations where you can’t control the number of people involved. I think it’s just a matter of becoming aware of what’s going on and then changing some of the things you are doing or not doing.
Be careful of getting angry, though. No one wants to deal with an angry woman, and you will just get a reputation you don’t want. Find a way to use words wisely and assert yourself and I bet things will get better. It’s just a matter of using a few key phrases at the right time.
Another thing you might do is ask a friend to be honest about what happens when you are in a conversation. Perhaps you are intimidating without realizing it. I can’t tell you without a face to face conversation, but if you are lucky enough to have some good friends who are comfortable being brutal with their advice, that’s the way to go.
Alexandrite Woman is right. You really can’t change what other people do, all you can do is change how you are dealing with the situation. Arm yourself with some good verbal skills and hope for the best. It probably won’t stop, but at least you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing how to handle it well.
Thanks for the suggestions Paula Ellen…. Sometimes I wonder if men take their challenges as seriously as we do !!!! and What are their challenges ????????????
I had a job working with foreign men who were extremely rude. If I asked a question at a meeting, the answer was directed to a man. While working with them, they took personal cell calls and texted while I waited for them. Looking back, I made too many exceptions for their culture and it would be a stretch to think they should adapt to ours.
I have a motto “Love me or Hate me, but don’t IGNOR ME” ! I own a 28′ motorhome and when I go to get it serviced I don’t bring a guy pal along and if I feel I’m being patronized I call them on it. My money MY Rules ! I’ve had a set-to here and there but so what? There is always another shop that will treat me better.
Also use the internet to complain and the word gets around and when the owner sees it effecting his sales he may change his attitude. I don’t give damn what I’m called anymore what are they going to do with a 67 yr old bitchy grandma?
Hi Okanagan Gal,
I felt so enraged as I read how your very being is minimized in many different situations. All of the responses that I read were right-on! Add to this situation race for me. Keep your head high Okanagan Gal! You seem to be a woman of substance ( Not intended to plagiarize Barbara Bradford Taylor’s book! lol).
I am an educated mental health professional, a divorcee, raising a teenage daughter. I have a myriad of interests; I have great friends, and I always feel as though my race, African American, defines my being. My ideas, my thoughts, my aspirations are heard, however, they not necessarily sought.
Many times upon my arrival home, I cannot hold back the tears; tears of isolation; tears of wanting to be accepted for who I am. A powerful lesson that I have learned is to love myself no matter what, confident in what my worth is, even when others fail to see it. I so appreciate VIBRANT NATION. It is a venue for my validation. Thank you for this!
I agree with you Michele… Vibrant Women is a wonderful venue for all of us to share experiences, support and suggestions to help each other….. It’s almost like having a coffee club that you can count on to help you through lifes challenges….. there are always great ideas shared on this site…. by amazing woman…. and always remember that you are one of those amazing women….. Thanks for your encouraging comments…. It feels great to share…..
I have had this problem every since I lived here in Richmond, VA. When I moved here, I was 30, slender and cute, so it is isn’t the disappearing in middle age thing for me.
I can be with anyone, anywhere (except at work) and people ignore me in favor of others (male or female) and just let me fade into the woodwork. They start talking to others and don’t bother to introduce me. They interrupt conversations with me and act as if I wasn’t even in the room.
It is very rude behavior but so standard I have gotten used to it. And the women are the worst offenders.
This never happened to me before I moved here. It seems to be the way Richmonders treat ‘outsiders’ in groups.
If there is something to be angry about, I think it’s terrible for someone to label you the angry woman! My money is just as good as anyone else’s PLUS I am a human being. I should be treated with respect and dignity! I don’t think you should walk in angry but if there is a reason to be angry, why should we suck it up?
Many of my hobbies and interests are traditionally male and I work in a traditionally male job (law enforcement). I have found that knowledge is the best weapon for many of these tricks that businesses play on women. I always enjoyed computers. When I walk into any shop, I would know so much that they knew they better not try to sell me something I didn’t need! My husband and I just purchased a car. I’m reading the manual so I can understand a lot about it. I also believe in taking my business elsewhere while letting them know just how much money I had to spend with them!
All this stuff just makes me so ANGRY!!!
It’s the old double standard, ladies. When a man is angry, he is considered powerful. When a woman is angry, she is seen as out of control. There are many things that are considered valid when a man expresses them and invalid when a woman expresses the same feelings. This alone can make a woman mad! But nontheless, it is the way of the world, and not likely to change soon. There are ways to make yourself known, and make your point, without being angry or rude.
And yes, our money is worth just as much as a man’s, so speak with your income. Take your business elsewhere and tell these people why you are doing that. Everything comes down to money, so use this power to your best advantage.
There are always going to be asses and snobs in society. Not much we can do about that. You can either avoid them and not hang out with them, or you can educate them in the way of manners. Personally, I think many people just don’t have a lot of manners anymore. I never hesitate to point out a better way to act when it comes to children. It takes a village, you know. And when adults start acting like kids, then you have to educate them as well.
Remember, you teach people how you want to be treated. If you are being treated poorly, then you need to take charge and make sure those people know you won’t tolerate their behavior. And if you don’t do this, then you are part of your own problem.