| What’s the secret of a long-lasting marriage? | Hot Conversation |
For my daughter’s wedding I want to collect advice from friends who have had long, happy marriages. What’s your secret?
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The toughest part for me, as an adult who has put my difficult childhood behind me, is dealing with family members who are in denial about anything being amiss about how we were raised and the impact this has had on our on-going relationships.
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Sounds very interesting.
Hi bonnieboop,
Welcome to VN. I love that you jump right in and start a thread.
Something that we learned along the way, 38 years this April, is
Brutal honesty and enthusiastic agreement. Introduce them to marriagebuilders.com.
They may as well start fresh and be aware of the many pitfalls out there.
Congratulations Mother of the Bride. What a wonderful gift to share with them.
Thank you very much, moongoddess!
TOLERANCE, TOLERANCE, TOLERANCE!
Plus communication and compromise
We began our lives together 31 years ago as a partnership. No percentages, no stresses on any one thing, ie communication. We just LIVE our LIVES together! We share our thoughts, feelings , loves and dislikes. We stand up for each other and don’t let negative feelings and talk of each other take a foothold in our relationshiop. We want the other to be happy, even at our own expense…thus each other is looking out for the other. Happiness is not always a daily thing, but our committment to each other is. =]
My parents have been married 53 years, and obviously in love everyday. I think the word I would use is’ Respect”
I just think they are very kind, and can laugh together.
The worst thing my da ever said to my mom was “if I want any of your lip, I’ll kiss you!” They’d just laugh.
Sorry to tell you that not every partner is like that. The determination is to make it work, take a little, give a little.
I thought the request was: suggestions for a long and happy marriage…..
I have been married for 44 years. What suggestions? You need commitment.
I love that!
Realize that all marriages need help now and then. Know that most problems have solutions. Make sure you have coping skills to weather any storm. Improve communication to talk honestly and listen openly. Kindness is important (compliments, romance, playing together) Be tolerant of differences, acknowledge them but don’t try to change them. Take only 2 people to your marriage bed. Never do anything to betray trust. When a red flag starts rising, deal with it before it starts flapping in the wind. Love is more than words, love is a way of doing.
My husband and I have been together 45 years.
Thanks for posting this, dynamomma. It’s wonderful advice for a couple just starting out or as a reminder to those of us who have been in a relationship for many years. I’ve been married for 30 years and still like to refresh my thinking on the things that really matter.
long lasting marriages are those girls that choose a man that put them in a pedestal, they say they could not live without them, she his wife is first for him, and they put his man first also, it is about good feelings.
sounds like my marriage….
don’t take everything so personal,we all say things we don’t mean,..and you MUST..MUST..have and keep RESPECT for your partner,..if you keep the RESPECT for each other you will becareful what you say and do to each other….NEVER,NEVER let your friends come between you and your mate…and girls ALWAYS, ALWAYS have RESPECT for your husbands parents and siblings..do things together, you don’t have to have FRIENDS alone everytime you do something,and NEVER NEVER LIE,AND HIDE ANYTHING from your partner..LOVE is NEVER,LIEING,HIDEING,SNEEKING,CHEETING..on your partner…but first and most important…ALWAYS PUT GOD FIRST IN YOUR LIFE,…and he will see you through…i have been married to my one and i pray only husband, for 35 years….yes we have had our ups and downs…many times…but we love each other enough to want to work through them…i don’t pack my stuff and kids and leave…or i don’t go to my parents,or friends and tattle, and tell everything that goes on in our personal life…………THAT IS A NO.NO NO….NEVER EVER.DO THAT …..keep your personal life personal…..between you and your mate…..now don’t get me wrong, if you are i an abusive relationship..that is different…..the man or the women…it is not just a women that can be abused, men are also…i personaly know someone…a male..that was abused by the women…GET OUT if that is the case….i hope this has been a help…GOD BLESS
I’ll pass on some advice that was given to us at our wedding reception, “Never go to bed angry at each other.” We’ve practiced it for 31 years and it does work. Also, I’d add, “Laugh together.” If you can laugh together in the little things, then when the big things happen, you’ll be able to weather the storm and find something to laugh about during it. Best wishes on your daughter’s wedding. My son is marrying in June, and I think I’ll take some of these suggestions and pass them on to them.
Thank you so much everyone for all the great answers to my first post on VN! This is wonderful.
I expected a long marriage as a young girl of ten…….the 50% does not work, always try for your 100% and of course it will not be but it will always make the 100% because you were both striving for 100 each…Always be up front at the beginning on what you want , don’t pretend to go along with something to “get man” make special time to talk every day , this is where we started a coffee time ( it could e tea or water) the main thing is that you are sitting together as a special ritual…when you find you can’t find the time for a few minutes together, a flag may be waving, We even have special cups for special occasions, and the cup one choose says sometime about the mood the other is in..we will be married 42 years this May, and have had a good marriage , but it is because it takes work and not taking each other for granted and having each others back,
Never use sex as a leverage in a relationship.
Don’t tease openly in public , it gives people something to “gossip about “
People are not always happy to see others happy so don’t listen to your friends about what you should do,
after GOD….Put him first and he should put you first.
Never start what you don’t want to finish,…..
Don’t talk about his family, and don’t incourage him to talk about yours
Try hard not to take some things so personal, but always get things aired , rather than holding in and blowing up later….
Oh find out first what kind of “LOVE” he requires there is a book which I had it 42 years ago called THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by Gary Chapman…. makes a good gift to the couple.
Don’t be jealous of his mother if that is necessary you may want to move far away….(LOL) I didn’t have a mother in-law and my mother was such a good mother-in-law He claimed her as his mother. I would have wondered a few times myself…..but she told me I would always be her daughter so………it worked!!!
40 years ago when I got married the first time my aunt told me something I’ve never forgotten, and try to use to this day. She said this: See your marriage and love like a beautiful, perfect pillar of marble, standing tall shinning sleek and perfect. Every selfish thought, angry word or thoughtless outburst chips away at that pillar and it can never be restored again. That image has stayed with me all these years and continues to tone my behavior.
Celebrating 30 years in June. Lots of good advice here. Sense of humor is great. PATIENCE and probably the thing that has helped me is knowing when to SHUT UP.
Sometimes I just have to get the words out so I just go into another room get them out and come back. Took me years to figure that out though. Thank GOD I married a patient man.
Hey bonnieboo,
We have been married for 25+ yrs. and this is what we tell those who ask us…1)No yelling/name calling, it’s possible to have an argument/disagreement without yelling. 2)If a disagreement gets too heated, take a time out and then come back together. 3)Don’t try to change your spouse, they will never be your dream mate. You are marrying them for who they are. Time will change both of you, just wait. There will be positive/not so good times in the years to come, however, you will be amazed with the beautiful changes that will happen as you grow old together. 4)In the midst of all that happens in life, sickness/health, children, finances, etc…HANG ON FOR DEAR LIFE!!!!
Congratulations on the wedding!!
As a behavior-change coach, who was once divorced and is now remarried, and the author of a book on marriage (Marriage On and Off the Rocks – Amazon), the one thing that I would want your dear daughter to remember is that the only behavior she can change is her own.
So when her husband does something she doesn’t like, she can gently explain why his behavior bothers her, but if he is not willing to change that behavior, then she has got to do the adjusting. No one (and no marriage) is perfect, but if she can change her own behavior by accepting her husband the way he is, they will do just fine.
I am also reminded of a great quote from a book written by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. In “The Care and Feeding of Husbands,” she quoted a man who is probably more typical than we women would like to admit. He said, ”If I’m not horny, make me a sandwich.”
Sex and food – they really are the fundamentals of a good marriage, at least from the man’s perspective!
This is a great idea Bonniemoo. my 2 daughters are getting married this year, I may steal this idea, if you do not mind!!
I have been married for 38 yrs. We have had our times. I think our saving grace is talking. Even if it doesn’t settle the argument, it lets us talk and explain our sides and we become softer to each other.
I think “Happiness is nothing more than fleeting moment and the rest is life”!! So if you grab all the happy times, it willl sustain you through the tough times!
Have been married 30 years. There is only one secret: commitment. Basically if you don’t have this, you don’t really have anything.
We have made it through many crises and calamities. It took the complete commitment of both partners. There were times we stayed married “one day at a time,” nonetheless we stayed married. Go through all the bad times, the good times await on the other side of them.
Beyond commitment, I would recommend the following to be truly happy:
(1) Keep the boundaries around your marriage. Don’t do anything you would feel uncomfortable telling your spouse — not ever. Secrets erode intimacy.
(2) Plan quality time together — at least twice per month. Couple time.
(3) Never criticize your spouse in front of others.
(4) Be a united front with your kids. Agree together on the limits, then back each other enforcing them.
(5) Keep your relationship PRIMARY. Don’t let in-laws or your family of origin push you around or interfere (this is for BOTH spouses).
(6) Don’t let money issues come between you. Work together to set financial goals, let sacrifices be mutual at all times. Make sure both partners have “spending” money even if it is only $5 per week.
(7) Surprise your spouse from time to time — some flowers, a card, a romantic night, a back rub.
all good reminders…got to get right on that!
I have been married for 42 years. The first 20 years I tried to change him and mold him into what I wanted him to be. After failling miserably at that and basically beating him down because of it, although I’ve never proved it, I believe he went elsewhere for respect and affection. Well, I woke up and realized that he wasn’t changing, I wasn’t changing and as soon as that fact was realized, we fell in love all over again. The last 22 years have been like a honeymoon and we both are so greatful for what we have (and what we almost let go!)
Hi JForth-I am in the same situation..I would love to talk with you for some insight!!
I am a control freak who needs to learn how to give up control. I’m not going to go as far as saying I’m wrong, but I have to allow my husband to do things his way, even if he’s not right ha! Sometimes I find myself acting like a mom with a mischievous 10 year old (and a boy who has issues with authority). But my husband is usually very laid back so I think this is a reaction to me. I need to have things done right away, my husband does them when they become necessary. I feel that always makes me responsible for the outcome (or problem) and I become resentful. But that is a problem I am currently trying to address; it’s my problem if I make it my problem.
I agree with the person who said don’t keep a back door handy – I had one and was ready to end the marriage. Once that was (inadvertently) closed, I had to try a little (a lot) harder. It is more of committment than I had ever imagined, and sometimes I think it is one-sided, until I think really hard and realize my husband is committed in his own way, just not always my way, but just as difficult for him. I am going to check out the marriagebuilders.com website in the stream.
Wow! This is the first time I ever posted. Love the fact that you can still edit for another 15 minutes. How control-friendly is that! +b
Good to hear the types of things that work. All the best to you and the wisdom of many for your daughter and her new and loving family.
I hyave been a wedding videographer for over 30 years and married for 33. Everything that has been posted here is what worked for the people posting. That’s as basic as it gets, you have to find out what works for you. Your marrieage is unique, only the two of you can make it work. It is your choices that will decide the sucess. If you both act like the person you would like to be married to then you will be able to overcome lifes adversities and remain together until death does part you.
A wise Rabbi once advised the young couple to FIGHT, he said fight to always be the first one to say you are sorry even if you think you were right.
Good luck. May God bless this union, and may the both sets of parents feel cherised on this day and every day after.
For my marriage (38+ years) it has been caring as much for his/her happiness as you do your own works well. It isn’t as hard as it sounds. We spend nearly 24/7 together. It has been like a long date. We just laugh and enjoy. When our kids left home we felt like teenagers out of our parents sight. Fun should happen with everything you do.
If once is all you want you might as well have lots of fun while you do it.
Laughing at and with each other. When I want to get mad at my husband, he makes me laugh about something silly. He’s such a card, I have to laugh.
Also, we know when to back off and give the other one space. We spend all of our time together and love every minute of it. We were best friends before we were lovers. It helps to have your best friend around all the time.
We’ve been married 26 years; he helped me raise my teenage daughter who is now 39 and I have 3 grandchildren; we have a son together who’s now 23 and we took care of his parents till they both passed away.
Now we’re taking care of my parents. Love is good. And my marriage is wonderful. We’re pals forever.
Here is a perfect example of someone who remarried and lives happily ever after. If you are in a bad marriage, you need to end it and get a new start. Somewhere in the process you have to let the anger go and start to live again. Remember whether or not it is clear to You the Universe is unfolding as it should.
Peace & Love for All
You are right, Lila. Realize when it’s time to save yourself instead of trying to save a bad marriage. Do what you need to do to have a peaceful, healthy life. And get on with your life. That’s always been my motto. Thanks for the comments.