Molly’s mom has passed away, and I’m caring for my 86-year-old mom. I still long to have her see me, but she doesn’t — and I don’t think she will. Pretty much all she wants to know now is that I’m happy and that everything’s fine.
At this point, though, what I would love is something deeper than that. My mom was a farm girl, so survival was huge for her but intimacy was not. Today, we all have way too much. Survival’s really not our focus, so we have all this extra energy for intimacy. I think I compensate for my lack of intimacy with my own mother by giving to my daughters. I make sure that my kids know every day how amazing they are and how loved they are.
In our workshops, we have participants write the letter they wish their mother had written to them. What is in the letter you wish your mother would write to you?
The toughest part for me, as an adult who has put my difficult childhood behind me, is dealing with family members who are in denial about anything being amiss about how we were raised and the impact this has had on our on-going relationships.
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Sounds very interesting.
My mother died the day after my 14th birthday – she had a brain aneurism whilst having a baby at the age of 41. I would love any letter from her – but I would hope that she’d say she was happy with how I have lived my life. My uncle (her brother) says that my best traits were my mother’s too – of that I am very proud. She and I were just beginning to become friends, after going through a few difficult years. My life would of course have been totally different if she had lived. I grew up in Dublin, and came to Canada when I was 21 – was looking for something, just didn’t know what that “something” was. I have to hope that my daughters are happy with having me as their mother. We talk almost daily, they are 23 and 20. There are many things about their lives, and things that have happened that I blame myself for, but I think as mothers, that’s something we tend to do. So to you women out there, who have their mothers, enjoy them. However, if things have not been good, I am sorry to hear that. I guess, we can’t all get along.
LadySmith…thank you for sharing…Hope Edleman writes from the place of being a Motherless Daughter. Though I still have my mom, I have read her work many times.
I hear from women all the them who no longer have their moms, or lost them at a young age as you did. I have found that writing a letter to yourself, saying the things you wish you had heard from her, is quite an experience.
It is apparent that part of what you developed after losing your mom, was compassion. I can imagine that you have loved your own daughters with all of your heart. They are blessed.
Your ex-husband was right, you are like your mother. Welcome to my world.
I love you.
My mom would tell me that she was blessed to have me as a daughter. In earlier years I was such a disappointment to her. I have overcome my immaturity and rivalry and become the woman I am today. I would love to hear her tell me why she missed the birth of my own daughter and her many chances to be a happy, hands on grandmother. We work to live and survive, we do not live to work. Having a job is no excuse to neglect family. People are just too important and the years role by too fast. Thankfully, mom realized this when she retired. Too late for her grandchildren who are now grown, but right on time for the greats. Today mom suffers with dementia and it is again all about her. I take care of her without complaint and love her for who she is. She tells me often how much she loves me and our relationship has been repaired.
My mother died 18 months ago and, now that she is gone, there is so much I wish I could remember that she told me. Our relationship became close at the end but there were some rough times. Mom was a very talented and accomplished woman – but she didn’t believe it. She lived in a world where she only saw what she hadn’t done, what she failed to accomplish, where her faults loomed large. Everthing she did, she did well, but she never learned to say no so she was overbooked and overwrought. Criticism was the way she handled us five girls. I know now that it was her way of trying to make us better but it always felt like her fault-finding belittled us. I know that she loved each of us, would do anything for us, but her manner was not soft and welcoming. I wish she could explain that to me. I hope I can be soft to my three. I know that many times I become her – especially when I see things in my kids’ life that worry me. I know she longed to be closer but didn’t know how. After her first stroke, she did become a softer person and expressed her love freely for the first time I could remember. But with that gain, came a great loss of memory, function, and ability. Ah, we are such feeble creatures!
My mother would apologize for never wanting me and blaming me for ruining her life. I have always felt, even as a young child that I was not wanted or loved by her, just something that had to be indured. My punishment for her getting pregnant out of wedlock and having to get married in high school. As the oldest child born, I was responsible for the care of the younger ones that followed and the loss of the love of her life, my father, when he just could not stand having a whole bunch of little kids. It was not until I was in my forties and finally got some therapy that I was able to feel any self worth and realize that I was not responsible for my mother’s miserable life. Of course, she lives in her own little reality to this day. She still blames me that nothing in her life turned out the way she wanted, but would never admit it out loud… So sad….
I can only imagine how painful this experience has been for you. You mustn’t allow her to blame you or anyone for HER mistakes. I too, felt unloved and unwanted by my mom, so I can relate. Now that she has dementia, she says, “I love you,” every time we speak. I no longer feel anger toward my mother, but it took awhile. Moving 3000 miles away helped a lot too! I think it’s important for those of us who missed out on a mother’s love, to find others who can help us to fill that void.
Maybe it’s time for you to move far away from your mom’s negativity and live the rest of your life in a positive and self-affirming way. She doesn’t deserve your loyalty and you deserve to be loved! I wish you all the best.
I moved away more than 20 years, physically and figuratively. It is her loss and her problem now. I am happy and know that I did not repeat her mistakes in my own life. There really is no anger left for my mother, sadness and what never was and for the child that missed so much. My mother is no longer my mother, just a lonely old woman with 6 grown children who have nothing to do with her. We have grandchildren of our own now and while not all have moved on, many still want to wallow in the saddness of our childhoods, I can happily say I moved on years ago…
So happy to hear that!
I am almost 60 years old and spent many years in therapy…I forgive my mother and wish she had been
happier in her difficult life. I think, we can remain stuck unless we forgive unconditionally…However, my mother did write that I was “her thoughtful, generous child.” That is what I like to remember…
My mother died when I was 7 years old. The next year and a half was a constant change for me…we moved in with grandparents. My dad got a job in a new town and decided to build a house. When school started I moved with him, leaving behind my 2 younger sisters. The house if finished and my sisters move in along with a lady to take care of us. Then suddenly we are introduced to this woman who in one week is to be married to my father and become our new mother. I understand all these many years later (45 years) that she has told everyone, including my half siblings, what a difficult child I was. Well…I was a 8 year old child whose world had been torn apart and spun all around. I lost a mother who loved me. Of course I was a bit difficult in the new situation. I have given myself permission to not feel guilty. I would just love to hear my step mother say she made bad choices and that she understood why I was so miserable and difficult. The saddest part is that while she treated my sisters and I like “step children” she treated the children she and my dad had the same way. So it wasn’t just me!
Always make your own happiest your first priority!
Reading these responses I realize I am so blessed. My mother did write my letter–and I wrote hers. I know her heart and she knows mine. The words that riveted me were “I am so proud of you!” As one of seven children I had been reared with a group mentality and tried hard not to stand out. And I needed to hear that from her.
My children taught my staid Norwegian mother how to hug, and after a few stiff attempts she never lets us leave without giving us one. She says she longed for a touch from her own mother and didn’t know how to give touches until her grandchildren taught her.
The letter I wrote for her was a memoir of all the family history she had been entrusted with. I was the oldest daughter of the oldest daughter for five generations of pioneer farmers in Southern California and we were privy to the family stories. I wrote and published BRANCHES ON THE CONEJO from her memories, among other sources. The day I set the first copy in her hands her face softened with pure love and gratitude. She was the oldest living relative and she had been hanging on to the guilt of letting the stories die. It was the purest and most profound moment a daughter could ever experience. Thank you, God.
http://www.readanneschroeder.com
I have a good relationship with my mom. I’m so lucky. She and I are opposites and for a long time I felt bad that I wasn’t like her. Now I know I am healthy just different. I also have bad memories about growing up. I pretend I’m five or whatever age it happened. I also pretend I am my present age. I take the little girl in my arms and tell everything will be okay. I tell her what to do and give her love and reassurance. It helps. Give it a try.
I sure appreciate all you wonderful ladies!!
If my mom ever wrote me a lettter, I wish she tell me she was proud of me. I did so much in my young life to help her, yet all I got back was a brush off. (she drank a lot, took diet pills then when she couldn’t sleep took pills for that) I never did anything right, in her eyes.
she always had way of making me fell guilty for not doing for her, everything had to be her way.I realized that al lot of it had to do with her drinking etc. but at the time I did not see it that was (I was 12 at the time her drinking started)
Thank goodness for grandma & my husband, they helped me so much get my life on the right track. But Iwill never like my mother, only love her because she gave me birth. I know that sounds hard, but it’s the only way I get over what she did to me.
As daughters., and as mothers of daughters, we allknow that this relationship is as complicated as they get. Mother’s see themselves in their daughters: all they missed, all they’ll never be, all they hoped and dreamed for, along with flawless hopes for this new life they are completely responsible for…DAUNTING, all the way around.
We love to the best of our ability…sometimes we fall short…sometimes we over love…both have consequences. I am a firm believer in the fact that everything teaches us…the good the bad the ugly…We can then chose how we want to be shaped by those experiences. Choice is never easy, but always possible.
Go read Amy Ferris’s blog today, the letter she wrote to her mother who passed away one year ago today…what an example
http://www.marryinggeorgeclooney.com
http://www.themattersthatmatter.wordpress.com
http://www.mattersthatmatter.com
Thank you. I finish her book for VN book club, the end chapters about her mom sound a lot like what I’ll be going thought with mine. She has dementia & it’s really hard, because she was the strong one in the family, now it my turn to be the strong person & see her through this.
my dear and faithful debanne…you are a warrior…
my thoughts of encouragement and strength are with you…
blessings to you and yours,
kristine
Thank you. I’ll need lots of encouragement and strength to see my mom through this. I also need lots of patience because she cannot remember, she’ll talk about the same things all the time. I have to remember to take a deep breath say a pray to my angel & answer her with lots of love & kindness.
If my birth mother were still living I’d wish that she would write me a letter about what her life was like growing up & about the things she loved, about the loves she had & lost, about her wishes for me & all the children she had but couldn’t keep. I would simply like to have known more about who she was.
I lost my adoptive mother when I was in 2nd grade and have wished she was in my life many times over the years, and still do. While I know how deeply I was loved by her, I wish she would have been able to write all the tidbits of advice that a mother can share with a daughter. I truly believe she would have written to me about her hopes & dreams for me and about the importance of being kind & loving to others. She would have been there for me, and through all the good & hard times alike, had she been able to be. Again I would like to have known more about who she was & what her hopes & dreams for her own life were all about.
My wish for my stepmother would be that she open her heart to me in a letter or otherwise, and say what she has to say without being snappish, angry or otherwise emotionally abusive. Less criticism, a little love & kindness, caring & compassion could go a long way to heal the wounds she has given over the years. I’m more than willing to give credit to her for doing what she could to raise two children, who were not her own, in the best way she was capable of. Taking on a man who had lost a wife he dearly loved and never got over, and raising stepchildren (we were 10 & 13, she was age 26, Dad was 36) certainly would have been a difficult task. When my father grew ill & was dying (5 years ago now) she cared for him at home, so that he was able to be in familiar surroundings. For all these reasons I will continue to maintain our relationship, but it remains somewhat distant for many reasons.
For the past 17 years molly and i have been working with women: mothers, daughters, sisters, wives, partner…WOMEN! Countless times we have heard that a mother died before a daughter got to reconcile, or forgive or be forgiven…and that daughter is left with a stone in her heart for what feels like the rest of her life. We have come to recommend that even if you mother is gone…write her the letter that you would like to have when she was still here. Then write yourself the letter you wish you would have received from her. Fold them neatly, address them and mail them to yourself. When you receive the letters, wait until you are alone, relaxed and ready. This is a ceremony of one. YOU. We may not all be mothers, but we are all daughters and therefore we know first hand what that experience could/should look like. We each deserve to be loved to overflowing. If someone else can’t do that for us, let’s help them along a little and do that for ourselves
Countless times we have heard that writing such a letter has healed wounds that felt FOREVER.
I encourage each and every one of us this mothers day to write a letter to someone whom you treasure; whom inspires you; who has taught you; and if yourself is the first one that comes to mind…hallelujah, you are on the right track.
http://www.mattersthatmatter.com
Thankyou Kristine for your suggestion. I will definitely get on that assignment, even though it means writing at least 3 letters in my case! Then after that is done it will be time to write more letters to my own daughter, which I will put away to give to her in the future.
That is a wonderful idea. I’ll get started on this today. The first would be easy, it’ll be to grandma. Then I could go from there to mom & me. Thanks again for this idea.
Happy Mothers Day to you!
I have been working with several women these last couple of months…each with a different perspective on Mother’s Day…One dear soul, lost her only child in Iraq. Mother’s Day is excruciating for her. May is the month her son was killed, her birthday and Mother’s Day. She keeps him close in her thoughts by writing about him…Another precious women is commemorating the first anniversary of her mothers death. This will be a hard Mother’s Day for her…she expresses her feelings through writing…and the third, celebrates this Mother’s Day by recognizing how lucky she is to have a daughter who is returning to health after a life threatening disease. She has written letters to her daughter through out the devastating experience.
There is something very magical about writing…and about giving a receiving a letter. It is a means of capturing time…it is a form of communication that lets you process as the words come out, and it becomes a keepsake that will be read and read again long after we are gone.
This Mother’s Day, I am giving thanks for my amazing daughters and to all daughters who are connected together by common thread; we know what it is to give, and to care and to dream and to hope…Happy Mother’s Day one and all.
http://www.mattersthatmatter.com
Enjoy your mother’d day. May it be sunny & full of good things & good times!
Am praying that all moms and daughters can finally accept the shortcomings of one another. We are all frail and imperfect beings but have the potential for forgiveness and great love! Life is too short to hold onto pain and hate…try something new this year! Counseling has helped me greatly and so glad I took that giant step! Thanks to everyone for sharing your lives with me on this wonderful website!
We are imperfect creatures…all of us. I think that most moms feel that if they love their children with all of their heart and souls – “How could I possibly make a mistake.” Is it possible to ‘over-love’ another human being? As a mom, I would like to say NO, but as a daughter I would definitely say YES.I think that if the love you extend comes at the cost of another’s independence, discovery of self and autonomy, yes.
Forgiveness should be a filter we view mother’s day through. We are such flawed creatures, imperfect in many ways. Forgiveness is so multi faceted…but mostly it allows the one who chooses to forgive to live their own unique life with less heartache, guilt and shame. That is a gift we can each give ourselves this Mother’s Day…that and the best chocolate on the market…
Happy Mother’s Day/Every Women’s Day to you all..
Happy Mother’s Day to you…I hope you are surrounded by the love and appreciation that you deserve.
Thanks for your faithful, honest and loving comments. You have touched the lives of many.