| What would you think of living in a three generation home? | Hot Conversation |
My husband and I took a large house with my daughter and her husband and three children for financial reasons. We cut our combined budgets by nearly 50%. It has been a real adjustment for each of us, but overall, a really good experience. Is anyone else considering this? I am primarily interested in how such an arrangement benefits the children.
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The toughest part for me, as an adult who has put my difficult childhood behind me, is dealing with family members who are in denial about anything being amiss about how we were raised and the impact this has had on our on-going relationships.
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Sounds very interesting.
I have witnessed this and saw first hand what the multigenerational house “can” do. It all depends on the individuals. Some of the problems were that the family of origin went back to their roles before the marriage and the agreement to live together. The grandparents had a hard time letting go of being the head of the house. The child abdicated some of her responsibilities as the mom and wife. It became easy for the second generation to not be fair in their sharing of household expenses. Sort of a “pay everyone else” and if something is left over we’ll pay grandpa and grandma. They each got to involved in each others business. Being together 24/7 caused them to not even want to play together. All the things the used to do as a family went by the wayside because they knew too much about each other. As far as the benefit to the children. At first it was good, extended family. Then mom and dad began to expect that grandpa and grandma would take over when needed. The feeling was “well they’re there, what different does it make?” So as the conflicts began to arise, the children felt the tension and the security of extended family they felt began to feel like a war zone — a quiet, covert war zone. The relationships that were beautiful and fulfilling for each of them became a point of contention. When the grandparents could finally get away from the family they didn’t realize how much pressure, resentment and how disillusioned they were. The relatioships among them are beginning to improve, but there was a lot of damage done. So I said all that to say this, sit down NOW before all the feelings become raw, talk about what could happen and how you are going to handle it, stay out of each other’s business and arguments, don’t take sides and as soon as there are minor hard feelings, bring it out to talk about it. This family lived together 6 years but it began to deteriorate after about 3 years. Good luck. It can be good, it will take work, lots of love and understanding.
I agree with dynamomma. “It all depends on the individuals.”. Knowing my character a “take-charge” person, very opinionated and and capable of taking over the household, it will not work. Besides, my husband and I love our privacy. On the positive side, is good on the budget and “possibly” good for the grandchildren.
This is exactly what has happened with us. The son in law wouldn’t work & sat in front of the tv much of the time.
Whenever there was a “family” discussion, his volitile nature came out.
The feelings are really raw–mainly that i want to see my daughrter out of this abiusive marriage.
They now live down the street but can’t make their bills. She is trying to go to school full time and now add work b/c he still isn’t working. There is very little conversation.
(I think if there are adults and they have healthy relationships, it could work. We had no way of knowing that it would turn out like this.
I agree to talk FIRST. even put things on paper.
You should read the post : Anyone in the market for multigenerational housing?
It was a couple of ‘pages’ along.
Latinos do it all the time, the grandma is always present to take care of the children, wait until they come home from school and usually does the cooking. While the couple works. Very convenient if you ask me.
we are a multi generational house .It started because housing prices went crazy in vancouver But we love it .There is my 37 year old daughter in basement suite myself and husband on main floor.Our son and his wife and 2 children on second floor and our other son in attic .it does take some adjustments. we pool money for main groceries and they get their treats seperate.We all put money into mortgage.We do have to be more caring of each others feelings and use words like silly behaviour instead of idiot move smarty.It is important to classify main roles . i still rule the kitchen but am very happy to have help and have learned some new recipes and methods. My husband still runs the garage but everyone still has access .there was some yelling when people didn`t put things back or used each others special things but it only took about 4 months for everything to start working well. This is a success so far and maybe the boys will be able to own their own places someday.It is easier to save now but you must make it a part of the agreement at the beginning so people don`t forget and start becoming casual about it again. There should be an agreement as to why you are doing it not just living together.We don`t vote usually BUT we do talk to everyone and come to a consensus about major issues (ie) the selling of the home and buying another.The major thing we found is ..remember that people won`t change much so if you can`t stand them don`t try this
i guess i should have added what this has done for grandkids. I have been a single parent and have lived in different types of arrangements.so far this is the best i have seen for the munchikins.There is less pressure on each person because if your having an off day someone else can fill in.girl 2 be 3 in may is veryu happy to have someone tio chat with when she wants to and has different people she talks to about different things .We are all conscious of the fact that family members may get jealous or feel left out so we are careful to let each other know if we want to do something with children or NOT .the not can be as important as the want to do example some members will not change diapers of infant (6 months old ).All major parental items are spoken of with the parents THEY are THE PARENTS. biting your tongue is important survival tactic in these situations and waiting for a better time to discuss parenting.The children are thriving and so are we its nice to have little arms when you want and yet still be able to go out when we wish.Luckily the parents are great parents and we let them know this .if you have any questions or thoughts plz contact me
What a blessing it is to read of the love and sharing that goes on in 3 dimensional generations. My 81 year-old mother lives with me and in ten months I will be moving 700 miles away. My 28 year-old nephew will be buying my house. He is moving in next month to save some money and has already said ‘gramma can stay’. We know there will be major adjustments, especially for him, but what a gift from God that we can share this time together.
We have 3 generations in our home as well. I liked how you said this. Ours works with a one story house. With house rules, caring for each others and a lot of bitting your tongue. It works. Our daughter and son in law are great parents . Our grandsons age 2 and 5 love living with their grandparents, and parents.
You know, I can’t imagine but if you had the right arrangement – i.e. separate houses joined by a common door, then as long as you establish your boundaries right out of the gate, I see this as a great positive experience. I think overall, you will be a closer family. If there are other siblings involved, I would make sure it gets explained early that you are not supporting their siblings but rather it is a joint venture. Good Luck! My gramma lived with us the last four years of her life and it was a great positive experience.
One response – We would kill each other! We are all very strong women and I can see no way of this working for our family. For the right family and personalities, I think this is a good idea but with establishing boundaries.
I just moved into a house I bought with my 27 year old son and his girlfriend about 2 mo ago. They would not talk about rules, life or bills before the move. So far I have payed for everything including the very large house payment and $600 electric bill. Son was suppose to pay the house payment. Now the girl is pregnate. I am having a hard time as I am in school and working parttime. They dont work at all. It is on 12 acres so there is a lot of work to do. My son does most the land caretaking. She however thinks doing her laundry takes up every day. I have to cook when I come home from being gone for 12 hours. Then have to clean the kitchen. I am so hurt that I want out plus am out of all my savings and school money. I love children and have raised 4 of my grandkids from other children. I dont know how this will turn out but right now it is very unconfortable and I am getting bitter. I have health issues that require special diet and electric. It is hard to talk to them for they are always right and I am in the wrong. Good luck with your adventure. I will take any suggestions also.
Get out now.
Your story sounds like mine.
It has taken a massive toll on my healh, bth physically and emotionall.
Sell the property and put your money elsewhere where they can not get it.
Sounds like your son isn’t caring of you at all. I would switch the bills into their names or have them turned off. That is usually a rude awakening.
Good luck.
This seems SO unfair. Once we have raised our children, it is the responsibility of our children to raise THEIR children. If they need a hand financially, then we may choose to help out, but then they can repay that help in kind by filling in on the care and upkeep of housing. If grandparents raise two generations, when do the children get to raise a generation, anyway?
Funny you should ask this question. It is something I’ve been “invited” to do by my daughter and her husband. It means a big move 2600 miles east, child care, and a house that’s smaller than the one I live in alone. I’ve decided that I will move east close to them but not with them. I have strong feelings about privacy, not getting in the middle of their marriage, and only having semi-private small quarters in the basement. I grew up in the midwest and suffered with S.A.D., so I need the almost daily sunlight of my southwest home to stay on an even keel. Yet, when I am able to “break even” on the two houses I own here, I will sell out and move near them since I have no close family here. I’m going to be with them a total of 15 weeks this calendar year, and will have a better grasp on the next extended visit during late fall, early winter, how I’d do psychologically were it full time.
I do feel very fortunate that they want me close by or living with them, that I’m warmly accepted by my daughter’s in-laws. Of course the major benefit is being part of my grandchildren’s lives, something my daughter did not have for various reasons, but my son-in-law did. He wants his children to know their grandparents and to interact with the elder generation, just as he had when he was growing up.
We are doing this now. My mom and dad moved in with us last year, and our two sons are away at college and a study abroad, so we don’t always have to deal with one genereation!
I know this arrangement isn’t for everyone. But it is working for us. The key is to have enough space where each person can have privacy and space for their own projects. We are fortunate to be living in an older ranch style home and everyone has their own bedroom and office space. My dad and my husband each have their own shop space. When the kids come home their have their own rooms.
Also, we worked out details with finances, and my dad keeps good records of household costs and groceries – which we split.
After privacy, and finances, and special projects were worked out, I’d say the next important thing is flexibility/forgiveness/communication. It took a while to figure out things like shared dinners and clean up after meals. There still is some grumbling about returning things to their proper places, but that’s easy to deal with and correct.
So it has been good for us. When my mom needed care, we were all there for one another and shared care duties . I love the message it sends to our sons – to be there for one another. For us, it has worked very well.
I think what others have said is very important – know yourself. If it doesn’t work out, don’t feel bad. It is not for everyone.
Wow! This would be challenging for me and living with an extended family is not part of my cultural norm. I raised my kids based on the idea that part of my job was to help them become self-sufficient adults (but they are just in college so the reality of real-world living hasn’t struck yet.) There was a fascinating in-depth article in The New York Times Sunday magazine titled “What’s Is It About 20-Somethings.” Very thought provoking.
This is like a 21st Century version of the Waltons! My husband and I once lived with my daughter, son & law, and their children for an extended five month visit and we loved it. To make it a permanent arrangement, however, I don’t know… would want to have my own apartment in their home. We all need our privacy and some time apart. LOVE being close to my grandchildren, any time or place!
Having multi-generational homes is not new. It made sense for the pioneers, and it makes sense now. In other countries and cultures, it is the norm. With the boomers growing as the fastest demographic and a clear shortage of caregivers (professional or family members), this is one part of the solutins. Realistically, as others in this thread have observed, conflicts arise and issues, such as nutruition and medical needs, continue. To get help navigating the issues of your situation, talk to a geriatric care expert by phone. Silver Planet’s Silver Advisors can assess your situation and provide you a written plan of action, whether it’s conflict coaching, home remodeling for safety or communicatin concerns: http://www.silverplanet.com/service/silver-advisors
Here in the USA it is not considered normal to live in a household that is multgenerational, even though it should be. People all over the world do it, in a lot less space. The funny thing though is that it has the formula to build wealth. Being Americans , it would require that we could not live on top of each other and that there enough buffer space for all. Perhaps a 2 or 3 family home. Here each family unit has his or her own areas which do not have to be shared and then there is also common area. Don’t forget, the younger generations operate at a louder volume, the tension it would cause asking them not to party until 6am on the weekends Living together with your grown children would require you to exhibit great restraint. It is their life and their business, not yours. Could your son or daughter get into an loud argument with their mate, and you not take sides and interfere ? Everyone needs to work out their relationships for themselves. Mom and Dad can’t coddle them forever. What kind of personalities would it take to “have us all , just get along” ? If the finacials and everyone chipping in when needed and giving other people their space when they need it, can be worked out it is a recioe for success.
I fantasize about this all of the time. I was raised by my mother, grandmother and Finnish great-grandmother in a small white house. It gave me an incredible appreciation for those who have gone before and great memories of days and nights spent with ”mothers” now gone. I’m sad to think of my own granddaughters growing up without knowing me as I knew my grandmothers; but I had to move south to recover from Lyme Disease. My health is great now and I’m able to “inflict” myself on my son and his family in the summertime:-) That’s the compromise for now. Thank God for Skype.
My domineering mother-in-law wanted us to buy the house next door to hers so we could be close. It was my husband who objected because the plan involved mom as matriarch-in-charge, an outspoken, opinionated brood hen. We compromised by staying within a 15-mile radius and managed a comfortable “drop-in any time” relationship while maintaining our own lives. Now that my MIL has passed, I find myself wearing her shoes. I want my kids closer, but economics of California’s Central Coast makes it hard for them to afford a house and make a decent living in our area. The ironic thing is that they learned the lessons of not living too close so well that they scattered in a bid for independence and college, and never returned. Our compromise is that we take mini trips with them and the grandkids so we can interact as a family. Still, I long for the depth of relationship I shared with my MIL–even the struggles. But I’m in my early 60s. A lot can happen in the next twenty years. The important thing is to sustain a sense of community with our children and grandchildren. http://www.readanneschroeder.com
I am very much an advocate of this type of cohousing. However dynamics is risky as mentioned in almost every post above. I knew of a woman who was the youngest of all of her siblings. They were all getting older with some of the spouses passing on and others being in a fragile stage. She put a proposal before them. Her plan was to pool everyone’s money together, find an older multi plex unit (with a courtyard in the middle) and everyone move together having a unit for each and one for an on duty RN to live in. She pulled it off, with the family now together, taking care of each other yet maintaing privacy. This is one example, of older siblings working it out, but can be workable in other situations. The focus and motivation has to been congruant for this to work.
This is very much what I hope to look at with my inlaws in the next 5-10 years, including all those who don’t have partners &/or children. That will mean 5 or 6 of us, and I plan on consulting a lawyer and someone who specializes in negotiations.
My dad grew up in a 3-generation home. My sister spent her formative years living at my dad’s family home (4-generation). My maternal grandmother spent part of the year with my family after I was 10, and that was a healthy situation as my mom needed having her there.
Today houses are so big and can be designed to accommodate a 3-generation living. It depends on the individuals how healthy a situation it is having 2 sets of parents under the same roof.
The time to decide whether to make that commitment or not is before – not after the fact.
Good Afternoon Tandy:
I grew up in a three generation home and raised my children in a three generation home! When I was growing up my Grandmother moved in when my Grandfather passed away. My Mother was a single working Mom back when it was very unfashionable (their divorce was final in 1960). Like with you and your family costs were cut but the biggest plus was someone was there when we got home school. We did not have a big house we just made it work. When my Grandmother passed away a week after my brother married my Mother was alone and my husband ask her to come live with us – at the time we had a 2 yr old, I was a stay at home Mom and my Mother still worked, nine months almost to the day she moved in my daughter was born. Four years down the road my Mother had a heart attack and could not work any longer – she would have had to live with us after she became ill. It was such a help when I had to return to work and once again someone was at home when my kids got home from school.
I am not going to lie and say it was alway fun and everyone got along, that is just not so, but you make it work. You respect everyone’s space and you stay out of disagreements between adults. When it came to the kids, my Mother, my husband and I all agreed on discipline and behavior – there was never a problem with that. We did live in an old house and at times there was no privacy, but once again you work around that. Everyone has to realize that each person in the house has rights to their space and time. We always ate supper as a family and did almost everything as a family. It is difficult at times, especially between mothers and daughters but remember what is important and why you are doing this and you will be able to work it out.
Yes it does help with finances, but much, much more you build your family and there is no greater lesson you can teach your children. You know there was a time in this country as well as in the countries of our ancesters that several generations lived together, that was mostly out of need and I know it was need for us, but you do have to respect one another and the roles all must play.
My household was a four generation household a for almost 3 years. My Mom lived with me and one of my four daughters left her husband and brought her toddler daughter with her. I was the caregiver for both my Mom and my granddaughter as my daughter was travelling a lot when she moved in with me. Though my granddaughter was in a daycare in the mornings. Mom is now in a nursing home, my daughter bought have the house and shares the half the expenses with me. She has been very good in keeping her end of the financial deal. For the past year her travel has been reduced. We have our issues, but we are managing for now. Eventually I will get my own place as I do still put in more than my share in household chores and other related duties.
My daughter who has some emotional issues, has been living with us with two of her children for 8 years. She is in her 40′s and the kids in their teens now. We have been an anchor for the kids and the only stability in their lives. Recently by son and his wife also moved in because of financial challenges so we really have a houseful. Thus far, the biggest issue seems to be my needing more space and quiet time which I do have in my bedroom sanctuary. Household chores are shared and the biggest issue is all of us are home all the time because my hubby and I work out of our home and son and daughter are not working at this point. Yes, it’s like the Waltons but a temporary situation. There are some unresolved communication issues but we are getting along most of the time. Would I do this if not for extenuating circumstances? No. But it’s happening and family is family. If you want to have accellerated personal growth–this is a good way to do it! : ) I am looking forward to living sans kids/grandkids when the time presents itself–and I know they will take care of me if I ever need it.
I lived that way when I was a small child, 45 years ago. It was interesting and seemed to mostly work well.
I have an idea that might make it easier. When I was married I bought a travel trailer. It became a great “guest room”. Perhaps some small space could be set aside where each person could reserve some time as their “peace space”, where each one can be alone for some amount of time. Or some of the family could share the land but have their own RV or mobile home, so they are not packed quite so tightly.
Be sure you have all the water and proper disposal necessary!
Our family has and will continue to do this as long as its possible. The grandchildren really benefit from the exchanges with each age group on a continued basis and always a hug to be given when things go awry. Everyone pitches in to help around the house, tell me what could be better.
yes it will work, but there is work to keep all. happy
I currently live in a 3 generation household. About a year and a half ago, my daughter and her hubby were running into financial trouble due to so many bills and not enough income. My daughter had stepped down from her job to one with less pay but with more hours to spend with the family. She still works full time though, as does my son-in-law.
I agreed to move in, as I usually took care of the grandkids anyway. My grandson is pretty independant at 14 by my 15-year-old granddaughter has a mental delay, so she needs constant supervision. I pay rent and the cable for the house and was getting a ‘stipend’ for ensuring all was well at home when both parents worked. However, recently I told my daughter I don’t want the money.
As to how we get along, I’d have to say pretty darn good. It is important that I do not interfere with parenting or other major decisions made by my daughter and her husband. I also make sure they have their space. I have a bedroom and living room on the second floor. Most of my meals are made for me, which is great since I am disabled and my daughter often drives me to places I need to go, saving me a hectic bus trip back and forth.
The only downside to this arrangement is my granddaughter’s rather violent outbursts. They can be very hard on the nerves at times. Nonetheless, I love her and understand why she is like this.
Now, my daughter wants to move into a less expensive home. I don’t know if I would have my own space or how things would work. If this happens, I may have to come to a different decision. I particularly don’t like the fact that if we move, she doesn’t want any dogs coming along. They have a big boxer on the main floor and I have my little Shih Tzu upstairs. I definitely don’t want to part with her!
Been there – Done that. In various ways over the years. I’ve been the filling of the sandwich and the top layer of bread – (just exercising that sandwich theory)
Challenge – yes. Can it be done? Yes. Will it be easy? No
I agree that a lot should be agreed upon up front. I agree that if at all possible you are going to need space! Different levels – agreed on boundaries – but it takes a special relationship and special people. Even if it’s successful it can drain you.
I can fill you up with so much love and hold you up with support, but it can tear you down in an instant. It can be a rewarding growth experience fo all involved – a major blessing! It can be a major development and enrichment in grandchildrens lives.
Would I do it again? I honestly don’t know, but I would balk while considering.
I totally agree with you Scribbler. I have four daughters, I tried living with two on separate occasions. Both are single mothers with one child. One I will never consider repeating and one, who is currently living with me with her daughter, I am experiencing the roller coaster you described. My plan is to move out in a year or so. I need my space and quiet times.
Hi Tandy!
I am one of the casting producers for a new television docu-series about the lives of multi-generational family members living under the same roof. The show is from the same producers as the Emmy nominated TLC hit Little People, Big World. I would love to know more about your family and tell you all about the show.
I have attached the casting flier with additional information as well. I would love to speak with you as soon as possible about the show, my office number is 323-468-3372 or email me directly at casting.jenniferdyal@gmail.com
Thank you!
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Jennifer Dyal
Casting Associate
Gay Rosenthal Productions
323-468-3372
as far as i am concerned, they can have the whole house except the master bedroom and bath. That is mine!