My boyfriend, of 8 years, will not answer me, when asked some direct questions. He has been rather distant and not involved, with me. Have not had sex, for months. I ask him if there is something wrong…and he says no. I ask him if he is seeing someone, and he says no. This last week was especially bad for me (a co-worker died unexpectedly) He was not there, for me. So, after we went to bed Saturday night, I said to him, “I know there is something wrong. Your are so disconnected, from me. Are you seeing someone else?” And guess what…..he would not answer me!!!! There is a new woman on his cell phone call history (I know, but I can’t get answers from him) and it just makes me think there is something going on. He won’t tell me anything, he says everything is ok……have you ever dealt with this? Thanks!!
| What prompts men to lie, or get silent, when asked a question? | Hot Conversation |
December 03, 2009
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I may be close to the extreme example of leaving everything behind. Divorced after many years, kids, memories and so on. I could not stand the thought of suddenly being single among my married friends, so, as I had dual citizenship I chose to move 
You're upset.... Well, your son is an adult, and knows perfectly well what happens when you have unprotected sex. The consequences are, that he has a child on the way, and you are going to be a grandmother.
I suggest that you stuff your anger, 
Men lie for the same reason anyone lies. It’s easier to say something that they know you will accept (or believe) then to face the consequence of the truth. Dear sunnysue, you don’t sound very sunny. I’m sorry for you. I hope you find some thoughts that will reduce your concern or give you enough courage to go on with your life without him. Wow, would that add to your stress? Men get silent because they can’t think of an answer you will accept fast enough to keep the discourse a conversation. The reason they pause before answering is so they can think of an answer. The reason they say “huh?” is also to give them time to think of an answer. Sometimes they are deciding if the answer they thought of first will be accepted and not make waves. I’ve told the men in our circle of friends when the subject of saying huh and hearing loss comes up, that the reason more men go deaf is because they pretend to not hear. And the end result of not using a part of our bodies is that “what you don’t use you lose”. So their brain is essentially telling their ear drum to quit working. Now I don’t have any scientific data to back this up, but it sure does get a conversation going. Since I don’t know what your situation is as far as being able to survive on your own but if you can be decisive in if you leave him or move or kick him out you might be able to get him to respond. I have a friend that simply said to her significant other “I have something to say to you and I just want you to listen. I don’t expect a comment or response from you. It’s apparent there has been a change in your behavior toward me and I’ve asked you about it. I know that you are communicating with another women, but you won’t talk about that either. So in the absence of firm answers, this is what I’m going to do.” And then tell him how you plan to handle what you think is happening. Make sure you handle it so you have peace of mind. One of the other VN sisters said “The only way you get walked on by a man is to lay down”. Good luck. This isn’t the end of your world, it may be just the beginning of a new world.
Thank you, so much, for your insight. You have given me a lot to think about!!!
Dynamomoma. gave you great advise, I beklieve you know the answer to any question you have asked by his response, He seems like a man who is probably not a “whore”, so he does not know how to handle this new interest, he may be having an affair, but I bet you he is heading toward one…don’t make any threats you cannot keep…since he is not being intimate with you. You should take this time to really take care and nurture yourself and as you do this be kind and sweet just not pushy or wanting, but do be happy and by all mean get yourself an outside interest ..like dancing class, exercise class, get your body , mind and soul prepared for what may be coming and you will be in better “shape” to handle it , it may be the action to save you from a long drawn out relationship that is not going any where,
Thank you!!!! Yes, it is very important that I take care of myself, especially now.
FayetteSIPP: You are so right on. Your input is valuable.
You are so welcome. All of us here at VN are rooting for you and will be wondering how you are doing. Nothing is to sacred to discuss here. There’s always someone to listen and care.
I am sorry to be having a pity party, for myself. I am just feeling very alone today. He and I do not live together. I have a career, and do not need to depend on him, for anything!!!
So I guess i got that going for me!! lol I just wanted to share my life, with someone. I was married briefly twice, in my twenties. I am now 55, and have been single, all these years. I do not have children.
Sometimes a pity party is what you have to have ,,,,but like all parties , they end. You do have so much to be grateful for that you can support yourself and do not need him for support…now you can Carry that same ability to love yourself and now that you can decide your future without compromise and fear of being homeless or unable to provide …..Peace and Blessings.
Are we on the same wave length?
I think we are, but I have found people are going to do what people do …..so sometimes once they see that”a pity party” which is feeling sorry for oneself and at one time or another I believe we all do,,,,get up dust yourself off and end the PP. In reading the next response which is great, I also would like to add , I found a great book on meditation and it is more to it than most of realize, For those doing what Sunnysue does need to be able to “master meditation” taking on people’s problem be they mental or physical takes a lot out of a person. The mental is the most difficult because the mind is a friend and an enemy it depends on how you use it. I love to improve upon my ability to help others and in recent years I have learned the most important person to help first is myself ….like the airplane emergency mask yourself first rule.
My way of expressing certain things come from the level of being involved by personal or through family ties, and community service…but one thing i ahve learned to never put my welbeing in the hands of anyone but myself and the Creator within…because family can love you but their love many times is based on what you can do for them and who you are to them …If I hear someone say again I love him like a brother but…. or her like a sister but…
Love has no buts if about it , true love is understanding and it is understood, so if you want to be with this person you have to stand back and see the whole picture…..look at him in totality and since you are not having sex , now is the best time your vision will not be so blurred.
Thank you so much, for your kind words. I have never been good about feeling self-love for myself……but I am grateful, for all the wonderful blessings, I have, in my life. It seems that sometimes, I can’t see all the good around me. There are more lessons, for me to learn.
A pity party is when you think you look fat and sit on Saturday night alone and eat everything in sight feeling sorry for yourself. That’s not the same thing as realizing that even though you are in a relationship you still feel very alone. You have a lot going for you by being able to be independent. You are in a great position right now to take an inventory of your life and get on with it in a new direction. One of things I think is the hardest for a women after a relationship is being alone. But it’s a very important time for you to make sure you like being with yourself. Do you? To have a relationship with yourself that you love and to love yourself just exactly the way you are is the beginning. You can’t give love away to someone else if you don’t love yourself first. So I hope you are there already. When you are ready to open your heart and your life to someone else, you will meet them in the most unlikely place. So like fayetteSIPP said, get involved, take a class, take up a new way of exercising, something, anything. Do something that you can be excited about. So get started. . . and in the meantime lean on us and share your life.
One of my co-workers, took her life 2 weeks ago. It has been so devastating, for myself and my co-workers. We are all riddled with such guilt, for not being able to see the signs and help her. It is quite ironic, as we are mental health professionals. I manage 2 residential facilities, for adults with disabilities. And I guess through all of this, I just don’t feel that my boyfriend has been very supportive. He is just so closed emotionally. I just don’t get it.
If it was not for my co-workers, and other friends, and a counselor, or two…..I just know that they have made this easier to bear. She was only 28, so young and beautiful…inside and out. I turned to my boyfriend, for comfort……and he just can’t do that. I have loved myself, and I have loathed myself……..there are days, there is no difference. I have pent up anger at him, and more anger with myself……for thinking this relationship was a good thing.
Sometimes friends and other co-workers are there for us in time of need more than those closest to us. So the person you wanted comfort from most wasn’t there. Did you know that the more you pay attention to his inattention, the more he’ll think nothing is wrong? Ironic, huh? Because that is what he is used to from all the females in his life, including his mother. So you are angry with yourself for once again thinking that you could fix this man. The anger you feel toward him is misplaced. Why should you be angry at him for being who he is? He just doesn’t happen to be the man that can meet your needs. Be proud of yourself for finally realizing what is missing. Pick up the pieces, invest in yourself and move on.
Oh dear sunnysue. I am so sorry. People that work in the mental health field form very close bonds with their co-workers. It’s sort of like “trauma bonding”.
So the loss of this co-worker is greater. But being in the mental health field you probably already know that missing the signs of potential suicide or being able to do anything to stop the suicide are, simply put, very unlikely at best. Guilt feelings are part of the process of losing someone close to you, but please don’t beat yourself up. You have chosen a field that takes a lot out of you. Somewhere you have to get your own love cup filled up. You help the residents to have a better life at the home you manage. You probably recognized a need in your boyfriend that you thought you could fix. He’s emotionally unavailable and did the thought ever cross your mind that if you loved him enough he would become loving? Have most of the men in your life, including your father, been unavailable? If the answer is yes, then you are just continuing with what is familiar. Does this make sense?
I looked at your profile……because I thought to myself, “wow, you sound like a counselor!” and you are!!!!! When a life ends too soon….in this case the police report said, “successful suicide” it makes me want to re-evaluate my life. I think I am very good at helping others….but I haven’t been helping myself much. I do feel that I am a strong woman…..but also, an overly-sensitive person. Talking about my feelings, and sharing my emotions has never been hard. My dad, who I love dearly, is 87, and in great health. Through my own counseling experience, I found that I was merely an extention, of himself. He is very much an “it’s all about me” person. I really need to just let people be who they are. The only person I have any control over, is me. Thank you for writing back. You have given me a lot to think about. Both of you, dynamomma and fayetteSIPP.
You are your own best counselor.
I wanted to add here The name of thes book of meditation : Meditation
The first and last Freedom by OSHO
please read it I have just started the first chapter got me excited..
I will look in to this book……I love to read, and learn new things!!
I am sorry you are hurting so, on top of being confused about your bf’s actions. They are pretty obvious to us onlookers and not so obvious to the one stuck in the muck. Avoiding answering a direct Q is dishonest and deceitful, and I love the admonition dynamomma gave in her first post about stating your observations and your next steps and letting him decide what he wants to do. No amount of clinging, begging, harangue-ing, etc, will bring about his openness and honesty, so you will need to choose whether you wish to live with the not-truthfulness and lack of integrity that characterizes him. (Make it easier on yourself by turning that into a Yes/No question that you must answer.)
If you need some helpful and humorous distraction from your problem, and some male insight, go to manslations.com for archives of a blog packed with advice from a man who translates male behaviors and words into something that females can understand. Very insightful, and you will learn a lot about male behavior!
Thanks, Kath56ryn…….I need a good distraction, right now. I will check out the website!!
Manslations……love the website…….now must buy the book!!!!!
Can anyone recommend some good books to deal with broken hearts? They say the things you do not deal with, as a child, will surface in your life, as an adult. I thought I had dealt with all my childhood issues, and yet, I am still very sad about my co-workers death……and a man who has been in my life for 8 years, who is not there for me.
I have been in your situation. Awhile back I had sort of the same run in. I used his phone when I misplaced mine. I gor a call.let it go to voice mail and later retrived the message.I also was privy to listen to one sentto him at that time. I nearly dropped. She said his name,said she was sure this was his number and invited him to her birthday party. I was at the time living in another state,she whoever she was lived in another state. I knew he had to called her as they were new phones at that time. I forwarded her message to my phone to save it. I called her,I told her she got the wrong number and she denied ever calling.*I was not going to send her the recording of herself” I never brought that up to him.I hated the fact that he done that behind my back,Im sure she was a co-worker.
Otherwise. I learned from living with that “liar” that Never bring up ANY so called flaw,fault or argue (we have that tendency) Men unlike us don’t reveal all. We usually say how we got along with old boyfriends,girlfriends and family. Ever notice they don’t fully talk about their ex girlfriends (but then we dont want to know,yet we do )
I found as he was an emotional twisting word abuser.– Bring up something you know to be the truth,and these sort make it look like we are imagining things,or making mtns out of moleholes. They make it look like we are eather attacking them,reading more into it or we are doing something (like the phone messages you spoke of) getting into his calls where we don’t belong. Then they think of anything to “get them off the hook”
If we think there is something wrong,then there might be. We do pick up on things men do not.
Men who have friends sometimes care so much for their friends,they treat them better than they would us.Then they get mad if we are out longer at a movie,dinner or club with a girlfriend.Or god forbid at a bar. They go to bars for their friends for a beer and say pool or darts…..Its ok for them…..You try that,go to a bar etc. with your friends,he will accuse you of going to a bar to pick up men-you will defend yourself and men protect themselves.
Never let a man know you went through ANY pant pocket,jacket,drawer etc, and you will be accused of “looking for trouble” (I never ever went through pockets,I should have) Men tend to take our so called snooping as an attack. Theu will defend themselves and you might feel worse.Best to act like them-evade the topic,change the subject when ask a ques and dont let them know as much. How often do they tell you 100%. You wont know a girl was playing pool with them,he won’t tell you he was eying her rear end. Ladies men have and will always look at a woman,we cannot stop that,it won’t happen. If your over 50 you gave that up a long time ago. My mother lived by a saying……She said “As long as his shoes are parked under her bed every night,it is their loss” I don’t agree 100% with that. I do because they come home BUT does or should he have the freedom to
have fun,piss off and play” behind out backs NO.
I know this seems long but I have learned by watching the after effects of others in that situation and I personally “brought things up” Not ALL are this way. He might be standofish because of guilt. You know he was with this lady,especially if the calls are repeated.He like most will deny it,yes even when presented with the truth.
Lets be like them,send a few calls frm a friends phone where he does not know the person(a man) and let him accidently see your number and call-watch how he asks who the “he**” is calling you.They accuse but dont like being accused. As hard as it is for those who are involved with a man they adore,it is harder to accept lies,we like the truth-We can live with it and learn, but when we have doubts,our relationships turn to a split. If you brought it up to him that you found the number etc. etc. tell him your sorry you found the number,you love him enough to trust he would never cheat and you are certain she was perhaps an old friend he forgot to tell you about or perhaps a new friend who would not mind say,going out with you both with perhaps her date to a nice dinner to meet. Watch how fast his attitude changes.That is a sure catch,Ive done that for a long time.Never say I caught you-You then do what needs to be done tom fix your own emotions. Not all men are this way. It is a low number as men have always liked the hunt,they like competition and when inticed into a “situation” they will most likely sneak.
I have a lot of experience with a cheater and a liar.Sweety your photo shows you are quite pretty,there are a lot of special men who would love you..-as much as you hate to “beat around the bush” you need to be sneaky,try the dinner approach. I did. I honestly hope it was an accident,forgive him (yes seriously) you need him more than to most men think a girl ‘on the side’ was just that. By leaving the number on the phone seems like he wanted to be caught and emotionally punished by you finding it. Most would erase the number fast.
Sometimes we want a man that we over look what they do. Sometimes it is better,and if that be your choice,then don’t feel guilty when you flirt or have a drink with a handsome man, that, for maybe an hour made us feel beautiful. In a way I feel bad I assumed or wrote this much. I guess I wanted to cover all areas. The perfect relationship as you know is an open one.What a gift to get that. I wish you the best. I think he loves you but it seems you have to have a “game plan” to get to the bottom of this story to accept it or give up.
I meant well.=}}}
adniL, Thank you for your response. You touched on some things, that are very true. I am usually very outgoing, and he is an introvert. He does go to the bar, every week, to hang out with his friends……I am not invited, and that’s ok with me. But it seems that every time I make plans with girlfriends, and we are out having fun……he will call me two, or three times…..for no apparent reason.
I guess I am just hurt that he doesn’t share much of his life, with me.
Yes dear, I remember this very thing happening to me once. I, too, would like to know sometthing that would help, what to say, what not to say, etc.
Why are you with this guy? What Joy does he give you in your life? You haven’t had sex for months, he doesn’t communicate with you, why do you feel the need to stay in the relationship? Your life is to live in your highest purpose, this does not sound like a desirable relationship that is going anywhere. You deserve Love, Happiness and Joy. What changes can you make to receive these?
Wendy………My “need to stay in the relationship” is what I am currently exploring!! And yes, I agree, I do deserve love, happiness and joy.
Thank you.
Yes, dear sunnysue, quite a few of us are wondering about how the positives could outweigh the negatives in this relationship. Being with a deceiver is a Deal-Breaker for most people, no matter how nice he may be. I am glad to hear that you are actively exploring that need. Are there similarities with your dad’s personality? Are you trying to re-create and ‘fix’ what didn’t work well in childhood? Just an idea.
Yes, I think almost every woman has gone through this. I am in a divorce and he never let me see his phone. He has moved in with the girlfriend (and her son) and they have done everything to make my life (and unfortunately by doing so the lives of our daughters, the youngest is autistic) miserable. Life has thrown me some curves also.
The only advice I can offer is make sure you have your own finances, move your money out of any joint accounts to a private one. You should be aware that any loans he takes out from your bank with a joint account they may pull out of your personal accounts so you may want to go to another bank. If you are sharing rent, start looking for something you can afford on your own.
Your man is obviously playing around. He has chosen someone else (regardless of how involved or not they are) over being honest with you. Honesty and trust, once gone, isn’t likely to resurface anytime soon without a lot of hard work.
It’s been my experience that men don’t understand that relationships take work, they require maintanence. Your boyfriend, my husband and whoever else out there experiencing this will see upon examining this that that goes across the board. You can either work together in the same direction or work in a different one. Take care and I hope you come out on top with this.
Boyfriend of “8″ years? It’s not just men, but people who are a certain way, do not change. You will not change him. Live with it or leave it. Can’t believe this a life you’d choose for as long as you have.
When men don’t want to answer with straight answers I have learned there is somehthing going on.
It may just be mentally ( in their head) however to me any thoughts if you don’t act upon them makes you a cheaper in some form or fashion (especially if you can’t talk about t). I guess what I am trying to say for example: older men for some reason start to feel like they can handle something younger? They don’t realize we can be just as young just give us a chance! After a while that young thang ain’t gonna want your old butt either. Stay strong let your heart direct you with God’s help it will be okay! When they (the man you shared so much time with is gone) boy how it hurts, like me I am really trying to move on, but it still hurts
It always hurts when you put so much of yourself into anything and then it is gone. Unfortunately, that is how life works. Nothing lasts forever.
It is also unfortunate that those “sisters” we have out there that feel they can take our place by taking our significant others don’t realize that it isn’t easy defending the throne. Once they commit to that place beside someone there will always be another younger, or older or OTHER person in their recent position that wants to knock them off it. Be strong Roxi! Only you know what your situation is and the best way to handle it. We are all here to listen and offer advice if you need us.
Good Insight.
The ‘other woman’ who gets the man gets a man who cheats. If that is what she wants, riddance to both.
After reading all the wonderful responses…..for me, it boils down to low self-esteem and self-worth. How does one go about changing that??
sunnysue and anyone else (all of us at some point?) have our ups and downs. Low self-esteem and low self-worth are helped by your SO (significant other) shopping for your replacement. Know that the problem isn’t with you, it’s with them. The rags are always full of news about beautiful, successful women being cheated on by their SO. It’s not the woman, it’s the SO that has the low self-esteem and low self-worth issue.
Make yourself into that person that attracted others. Try to remember what you were doing way back then…was it working a great job? or going to school? or being number one in something else? Go back and remember and then see about going after YOUR goals, YOUR interests. You may have changed to please that other person but you know what? You are a valued person, you have much to offer. When you realize that then you can shake off any bad feelings the other person cast on you. Sure you will still hurt, you will remember the good times in spite of the bad but try to focus on new experiences. Live!!! You only have one life and wasting it worrying about someone that doesn’t cherish time spent with you is just …foolish.
Much hugs and warmth sent your way…and to all my sisters that are going/have gone/ will go through this.
Oh, btw, NO, it isn’t too late to go back to school, or go after that dream position…what are you going to do otherwise??? Sit at home and wait for the phone to ring? Open those doors up ladies, PRY them open if you have to…make connections, meet new people. Yeah, we may be older, but we have experiences that we have forgotten that youngers haven’t even dreamed of yet. Use that and get on with it. No one is going to do it for you. Use what you know but try something different too. LIVE ladies, live. Now I have to run. I’ll check back with you all later. (hugs) L
Hi, Sunnysue ~
You’re right – self-esteem is the bedrock on which we hang our values, beliefs, and ultimately, our behaviors. Run, don’t walk, to read anything by Nathaniel Branden (http://www.nathanielbranden.com) and Jack Canfield (http://www.jackcanfield.com), both founders and leaders of the self-esteem movement. Begin today to lead the life you are meant to live.
Sue, I am a Law of Attraction coach who specializes as the “divorce renovator” and empowering women to take charge of their life. Email me at wendy@wendyme2u.com if you would like a free consultation.
I just emailed you, Wendy.