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What makes a man lie, when the truth is a better option? Hot Conversation

I ask this because the man I have been seeing for the past 9 years has been dishonest about things…..some minor and some major.  I am really just so dumbfounded.  I feel like such a fool….and an old fool, at that.  I thought that this would be my “forever” relationship, but I can’t get past all the dishonesty.

Posted in family & relationships, love & sex.

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28 Responses

  1. Sunblossom Sunblossom says

    So many men have agendas that have nothing to do with us…..when you have reached the point you have…it is almost futile to ask why….I have never been able to figure it out….spend that energy on regrouping and rebuilding a life without the liar…give yourself a lot of time to heal and recover….after 9 years it is like a divorce even if you haven’t been married….be good to yourself first..

    2 like

    • sunnysue sunnysue says

      Thank you, so much for responding.  Yeah, it really does feel like a divorce.  When I have tried to discuss this with him……why he is lying to me…….he always says, “I don’t lie!!!”  Caught and proved to be lying, and he STILL won’t own up to that.  I guess it is safe to say that this relationship, in his eyes was 99% about him, and 1% about me!!!  Sue

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      • ella ella says

        Ahhhh and the follow up question to why do they lie is Why can’t they take responsibility for what they do?  With my ex, he could never just say I am sorry for anything that he knew hurt you.  His apology was always well, I am sorry that you feel that way….. Puts it back on the person who has been injured.  Hello, take responsibility, buddy. Do not blame the other, do not blame the universe, simply say I am sorry, I screwed up.  Take responsibility.   How frustrating is this?

        1 like

  2. Haralee Haralee says

    Men and Women can be yes sayers and then found out it turns into lies, but for them they don’t see it that way. Omission to some is not a lie. Young fool or old fool, we have  all been fooled in our lives.

    0 like

    • sunnysue sunnysue says

      You are so right.  He agreed with me about most things.  Only to find out most recently that he doesn’t feel that way, at all.  Yes, he is also not just a liar, but he has been omitting details about things. 

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  3. Lynnette Lynnette says

    Most likely, he has been lying all his life and that is the norm for him.  It has nothing to do w/you.  He would do it to the Pope if he could have a conversation w/him.  I have a dear friend that lies all the time and her lies are so overwhelming, nobody w/any amount of intelligence would believe it.  I love her dearly as she will do anything for you if you are ill or just need a friend.  Throught the years i just learned never to take her seriously on issues that are important to me.  The rest i just discard.  I taught her to use the computer and to google information so that she has more knowledge and stop talking crap about things she does not know.  But she is just a friend, i do not live w/her nor her lies affect me in the least.  Confront your guy with this and ask him… why do you have to lie?  Eventually the truth comes out.  So it would be easier to just speak the truth.

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    • sunnysue sunnysue says

      Thanks for your response.  I don’t feel it all started, with me either.  I think he has been doing this his entire life. 

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  4. Evie Evie says

    Hi sunnysue,

    I guess you have to weigh the ‘good/bad’ in your relationship. Being a liar is pretty major, especially, if it involves other women, affairs, etc. Lying about his drinking habits, gambling habits, computer porn…well, so many things are just too much to forgive. If he tells big ‘fish stories’, exaggerates, colors the truth, for conversation sake, well, this is immaturity, no doubt, but forgivable.

    We have to look at the whole relationship…how unhappy are we in it…is there  a lot that is real good? Relationships require a lot of forgiveness, and flexibility. We have to make constant adjustments because relationship is a living entity…constantly changing!

    “A good man is hard to find…” is so true! 

    1 like

  5. Dallas Lady Dallas Lady says

    Not knowin the nature of the lies, its hard to pinpoint a motivation.  Probably one that fits the bill in most circumstances:

    Conflict Avoidance.

    0 like

  6. She Cat She Cat says

    I find that when a person lies, it will continue.  This isn’t just limited to men either.  Yes, ALL of us have lied one time or another, but it’s just so much easier to face the truth and get it over with.  Lying only causes suspicion and mistrust for the persons on the receiving end.  It serves no purpose….

    Lying is a huge trigger for me.  I don’t deal well at all with liars….

    1 like

  7. Generic Image Scuba P says

    SS,

    My only question is:  Why did you wait nine years?  There were probably clues all along and the question then becomes – why did you ignore them?

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  8. Five to Nine Five to Nine says

    The truth may be a better option but for some, it’s not the easiest option.  Some of these man-boys just haven’t matured enough to accept responsibility for possibly negative consequences.  For them, it’s just faster and easier to lie.  For me, trust is the glue of any relationship.  Like most women, I’ve already been through the heartache of spending a lot of time and negative energy wondering if the guy I’m dealing with is where he says he is or doing what he said he was going to do.  Stick a fork in me ’cause I am done with that.  I don’t care if you’re a millionaire who treats me like gold — if I can’t trust you, get lost ’cause I don’t need you.  You’re not worth another scar on my battered heart.

    2 like

    • sunnysue sunnysue says

      I LOVE your attitude!!!!  You sound very healthy and have a lot of self-esteem.  I am working on that myself!!!

      0 like

      • Five to Nine Five to Nine says

        Not as emotionally healthy as I’d like to be but I’m definitely working on it — best of luck to you!

        1 like

      • sunnysue sunnysue says

        I am not any where near where I want to be emotionally.  Still working on that, also.  Best of luck, to you, as well.

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    • ella ella says

      AMEN>>>> We do tend to take responsibility for everything and question why he can not be honest with us as though it is our fault.  You hit it on the nail, we need to be sure that we are clear with ourselves and can let go when a man shows that he is untrustworthy- too much time wasted wondering why and believing we can make it better. 

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      • Five to Nine Five to Nine says

        So true.  We women always figure that all he needs is “understanding”, “time”, “patience”, etc, etc…. We tear up when they tell us about their difficult childhoods or some tragedy in their lives.  And when they lie and treat us badly, instead of calling them on it immediately, we spend endless hours analyzing and explaining away their bad behavior until our battered hearts and souls can’t take it anymore.  We’re always surprised to find that we can’t fix it and make it better. 

        Me, I’m out of the man-fixing business!  As we say in the ‘hood, the next guy in my life will either ‘come correct’, or he need not come at all.  I don’t like being alone… but for me, alone is better than dealing with that old familiar knot in your stomach when you know your man is messing up.

        3 like

      • ella ella says

        Love it.  I am no longer in the business of settling….. or playing by the rules necessarily.  In the book, Fried Green Tomatoes, there is a line about how following the rules doesnot get you what is promised. The character has been the good girl- did everything she was supposed and finally realizes that is not getting her what she wanted either.  Imagine the change.  what would happen if none of us put up with all of the stuff we have for years…….If we just said enough early and often, would men get the message?

        0 like

      • Five to Nine Five to Nine says

        Exactly!  (^_^)

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      • Sunblossom Sunblossom says

        Five….well said….

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      • She Cat She Cat says

        Actually by being patient, understanding, and giving them time….All we are doing is giving them the message that it’s *ok* to lie…  It’s just another way of enabling bad behavior…….

        I am done with men & women that lie…I just can’t deal with it….

        1 like

      • Five to Nine Five to Nine says

        I heard that!

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      • Generic Image Silver Crone says

        Amen, Sister – you certainly understand!

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  9. sunnysue sunnysue says

    I think the main reason for him is, and it was stated here………conflict avoidance!!!!!!  Thanks for all the wonderful responses.  Can’t plan a future, that is very true!!

    0 like

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