Today’s Featured Comment
It took me 4 years to make up my mind to agree to a legal separation. I changed my mind about 3 times prior. I am 52. I have a good job and will have to work for another 13 more years till age 65.
This is what happens when we separate or divorce at a later age.
I downsized to a small bungalow, I basically learned to live with less, and have to watch my budget, and yes, I will not likely have the lifestyle that I could have if I was still married. But I knew I was in a toxic relationship going nowhere and I was miserable in it and a decision had to be made.
He did me a favor and asked for a divorce/separation. We split the assets 50/50. I was worried about the unknown, about my future, what if I lose my job and so on. Nobody can tell you what to do. Nobody can guarantee you that your future will be fine or you will be happier. I know I am glad I finally took the leap. I have always been an independent person so I am fine alone. I can take care of myself, deal with whatever life throws at me. I take care of the house and the maintenance and I am enjoying my freedom and my own happiness.
You have to have a plan first. I knew our separation was going to happen so I already had a plan of what I would do if it should happen. It was and still is a painful process. I thought it would be an easy thing to do – suppose to be amicable split, but nothing is easy when money/assets are involved. So I saw his true colors through the separation process and the jerk that he was. I have not talked to him since the separation 6 months ago. If he wants a divorce, he will have to file for it. Being the lazy person that he is, I doubt he will do it unless his new girlfriend wants to get married and does it for him. He moved on quickly to having a girlfriend shortly after I moved out.
The past few months were a roller coaster of crazy emotions for me. I cried easily, I fell apart when I saw him with her at my old house, and I felt wounded. It was good that I found this site and the many posts have helped me pull myself together. I am healing slowly but surely and have to go through this pain. 28 years is a lot of years with one man.
So I tell you, if you think you are going to be worse off financially and so on, get a job first, and then think about it some more. Have a plan because you do not want to be screwed over. Take care. It is not an easy decision to make. Do I have doubts still? Some days I do, but those days are becoming less and less and I have no regrets.
PS: There is nothing wrong with you.
[This comment was originally posted in this conversation. ~ Eds.]
Have you been through a late in life divorce? What would you add to this post?
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Rose:
Where are the friends of YOU and YOUR Husband before he passed? Those are the ones to keep in your life. All these "other" people who are popping up now are not friends as you can see.
I agree with the comment about finding a financia
to soledad, i want to tell you that the younger men i had sex with did not care at all about my saggy boobs. the recent man said he loved them, and i knew he was not just making it up. i will not get into detail about why he said they were fun but be
NanaP – the PS has just made me feel human! I keep thinking there must be something wrong with me. My husband is not a bad man, although he is very abrupt in his manner, loud and has a very “strong” presence. Scary when angry too! On the other hand, he works, has been kind, can be romantic etc. etc., is not mean with money (though we don’t have much) but I have no attraction to him – therefore there must be something wrong with me???? I can’t afford to move out, we are sleeping in separate rooms and the atmosphere in the house is not good – it’s a “toxic” time!! I know I can go and stay with my sister although don’t want to inconvenience her – I have had people stay with me over the years, although with good grace, I know what it’s like. I talk myself out of moving out – what about all my stuff, what if this, what if that………. and so the wheels of my mind turn! Good luck to you – I am glad you were brave!
DMD1058: I am surprised to read my own post as Today’s feature comment. I left a beautiful house, left behind a beautiful yard that I had created. I put in 12 years of labor into the gardens. I was afraid to lose the “things’, the possessions, my beautiful home, all the hard work put into the home, but as each year goes by, I felt that I was losing myself, that I did not want to live anymore and that scared me. I was also afraid of the what ifs and kept fooling myself that I could stay on. But my ex was cheating on me and cost me my health. I had to go.
Not a lot of women have the financial means to leave and a lot of them are worse off being alone unless they have family who are willing to support them. It is not an easy decision to walk out of a marriage when we are in our 50s unless we know we can support ourselves.
I have my own cozy place now with a yard where I can still garden and have my 2 dogs. My place is perfect for me. Every one who has seen it tells me that it suits me to a T.
I often wonder why 2 or 3 women like us, if we are living in the same area, do not share a place together and help each other out. Like living as a “family and sharing the space”. It beats living alone and struggling to find friends and support and help. I do not have a lot of money but I am living within my means and I know I will be fine.
This is what I have memorized and I say it to myself every morning: God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change: and courage to change the things i can: and wisdom to know the difference:
Living one day at a time: enjoying one moment at a time: accepting hardships as the pathway to peace:
(this is the first few lines in the Serenity Prayer by: Reinold Niebuhr) – helps me focus on the day ahead.
I, too, am in that situation. I am 56, married 30 years and my husband’s passive aggressiveness and lack of emotion have taken its toll. I am exhausted dealing with his depression and his fault finding. Of course, it is not his faults he finds; it is all mine. I am blessed with having a wonderful therapist who has helped me to begin rebuilding my self-esteem. Yesterday I saw an attorney and at least have in my mind what my rights will be and what I might expect.
Now comes the hard part. The mind and the heart are having a hard time syncing! Every day he seems to find something else wrong with me. My friends and therapist tell me I could not possible be that bad or I wouldn’t have any friends or be able to keep a job. LOL!!
I don’t know why I let him get to me this much. I want to take the leap – file for divorce - make him leave the house and his “things.” I think his things have always been more important to him than I have. Of course, I do not want to keep the house, but his idea of a ”fair” settlement is giving me the value of half the house and practically nothing else. At least I have a job and can support myself. For this I am grateful.
Does the pain subside? Does the fear stop tying up my stomach in knots? Do the tears ever end?
Bless you all for sharing!
As I Am
Hi Nana, I just read your post, and I would like to get in touch with you, same situation here and not yet clear what I would do, I live in Europe and have doubts about moving back to usa or stay here, my situation still in court and until is finish will be able to start planing, my e mail is maru260100 yahoo dot com..hope to hear from you..blessings
Holy Hannah, NanaP! You could be a fast forwarded Me! Even the Wedded years and the Dog Numbers add up!
Thanks for this. After many increasingly unhappy and painful years of wedded blahs, its been a full year since my final separation from Him. Absolutely hit bottom and then dragged myself along the sharp rocks for good measure. But here I am and… well, here I am. I’m finding a whole new place to be with myself… still moments of freefall terror but not as often and a ripcord has found its way into my hands.
To KNOW I’ll make it because you did is the greatest gift I could ever imagine getting in this moment! Way to work it, NanaP!
NanaP thank you for sharing. Your story has lightened some anxiety about the unknown beyond where I am.
It makes sense and cuts back on the panic thinking I am the only women on earth going through this.
Thanks you soooo much!
I divorced my passive aggressive husband of 25 years some 15 years ago. I want to suggest you look at his prospects for a pension. I opted to give him half the house and took half of his pension which was pretty good. It almost makes up for the 25 years!
Great idea, Chickadee! Great minds think alike! At least your great mind and that of my attorney.
I’m 57 yrs old and did not expect my life to be in such turmoil in this stage of my life! This is my 2nd marriage(14 years) and I’m stuck just spinning my wheels. Two years ago my world collapsed when I was blindsided by my husbands two year affair. She is married also. It wasn’t the normal crying, packing, leaving scenario . Mine was 6 State Police banging down the door, with a warrant and restraining order from his mistress stating he bought a gun to kill her husband and me! I just found out about my husbands secret life the day before and was not emotionally on strong ground. Hence I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt while my stranger of a husband went to court to have the restraining order dismissed.
Five days later I came back to the house to gather some things and say goodbye to my beloved dogs(my mom refused to let me take them to her house) so I lost my marriage my dogs and my so called life in less then a week.
I used to be an amazingly strong person and I was so in love with this man, so we tried marriage counseling. My husband stated that he said he was sorry but will not be transparent because he needed his privacy!
Two years later, I’m living on the 2nd floor, disabled due to Cervical Dystonia and he stays downstairs with end stage liver disease.
As late as one month ago I was looking forward to my plan.
Got my CA nursing license, saved some money and was moving out by my eldest son, renting a little house and taking my dogs. Life was finally looking up:) then my dystonia took a turn for the worse.
Now my only option is to stay here where I’m not loved or move in with my 81 year old mother without my dogs.
All because I married a horrific narcissist, I am stuck in Hell.
And yes, I blame myself for not leaving before I became sick.
Just a little advise ladies, run don’t walk if you can get out. You do not want to be stuck in a self imposed Hell like me.
God speed
Good Morning Ladies -
I cannot begin to tell you all how much I appreciate this thread. DMD 1058, I can relate so very much to what you wrote. I am right there, right now. I miss ME. My friends tell me that I am not the same, that I seem lost and beaten. I am strong, independent and love ME – yet I find myself thinking maybe there is something I can change about me to make this better. I have even considered his plea to stop growing because of HIS fear that we will grow apart. Sigh. I have a friend who says I have to find a way to make this work because I don’t have any extra money, that we are married and it is what it is.
Reading all of your replies and posts has given me a renewed sense of hope, that I am not alone, that it is OK to make a different decision. I don’t want to hate him – I don’t want to resent him – but that is where this all heading.
The Serenity Prayer has been a part of my life for a very long long time. God grant us ALL the courage to change the things we can.
Thanks again for helping me.
Linda – how wonderful to hear your feelings are similar. I miss ME too! I have said I actually don’t recognise/know myself any more when it comes to my marriage/relationship with the man I have lived with for 35 years and known all my life (we grew up in the same place in the UK). I have good relationships with my son, family, friends, colleagues but feel like an immature teenager when it comes to expressing any negaative feelings to my husband – I’ve always been the same around him. I feel “invisible” around him in company – he has a very strong personality. I have made mistakes which I regret and want to leave them behind. Physically leaving is my biggest fear. I think this site is wonderful and take great comfort just from reading the posts. Women are wonderful creatures! Hugs to all – I need them back in my loneliness.
Dear Ladies,
I have recently been where many of you are, in the land of neither here nor there, not feeling like I could leave a bad marriage, but not free to be independent either, and it was not a happy place to be, so you have my prayers and sympathy.
I’d like to offer some thoughts from the other side, the place where the bad marriage is over, and the fear of being alone has been met and conquered. Like many of you, I thought that if I could change something about me then everything would be OK. Looking back, I realize that there was never anything I could do that would be enough, because there would always be the next thing. The whole point was, that I could never be OK in my husbands eyes. I was wearing a size 4, and according to my husband, if I just lost maybe 5 more pounds, then I’d look really great! Wasn’t that sweet of him to care and encourage me to be the best that I could be? That’s what he said he was doing when he criticized me, helping me to be a better person. :) I wasn’t sophisticated enough, accomplished enough, or social enough. EVER! You’d think I’d have left him, but I didn’t, I vowed “till death do us part,” and I keep my promises. It was he who asked for the divorce, and it was a gift.
At first it was scary, because I had been at home raising my kids and trying to be a great wife for 20 years, and that’s a long time to be out of the job market. But think about all the people out there in the world getting by, kids just out of college, young newly weds (God bless them), widows, the disabled, other women who have gone through divorce, and if they can do it, so can you. You need a roof over your head, food to eat, an enough money to pay gas, electricity and water. First find a lawyer, in many states, if you’ve been married for more than ten years you are entitled to half of everything you and your husband have acquired during your marriage, including retirement plans and part of his social security when you both reach retirement age. You will most likely be able to get some amount of spousal support, as well. That will give you the buffer you need to find a job, or get training so that you can get a job. Honestly, TAKE THE FIRST STEP, then the next, then the next, and soon you will be well on your way to a much better life.
Like NanaP, I now live in a much smaller home, and I have fewer things, but i am happier than I have been in 30 years, and it is exquisite! I am thriving on the simplicity of having few possessions, discovering all the fun things there are to do in my town that are free (you’ll be amazed how may there are), enjoying the company of my dog, making new friends, and rediscovering who I am.
If I had known then what I know now… how blessed I would feel, how relaxed and happy, it would have eased my fears so much. Keep your eyes forward and don’t look back, you can’t change anything that has happened and it only causes regret and remorse, the future can be so much brighter, focus on that, and make it happen for yourself! I hope I have encouraged you a bit, and now i must go work on my resume. :)
May you find peace.
Karen:
Thank you for your post. We are both in the same place. I try not to look back. I keep my eyes forward. I have signed up for Salsa dance lessons. Someone who saw my Ex recently said to me that he looked terribly old (too old looking to think of himself as a playboy and wanting to date as many women as possible). He is 55 and he looks like he is at least 60.
He has signed up on so many Meetup groups like he is not wasting any time in trying to hook up with women. I was thinking of signing up on 1 which is a Salsa dance meetup group recently. I checked on the members and my ex was signed up already. Even before I moved out. There are pics of him online in several of their events and taking dance lessons. Unbelievable!
I have been given another chance in life really so I intend to enjoy it to the fullest.
What a wonderful post. Thank you for your encouragement. I will read it again and again until it sinks in.
Karen – thank you!
DMD1058:
READING ALL the wonderful posts has kept me sane and moving forward. When days of doubting creeps in, I read my post again and tell myself I am OK, I will be OK and it is OK to have such doubts. If my ex did not ask for a divorce, I would probably still be in the marriage and stayed and tried to make it work. But he did not want marriage counselling and was already spending a lot of time sleeping on the sofa. We have 2 guest rooms and he chose to sleep on the sofa in the den. We were both unhappy and did not know how to bring down the wall that continued to build between us. But looking back, he was already emotionally checked out a long time ago when he cheated on me. I was the one who was clinging to the hope that there was a chance of us surviving the marriage.
So when the separation came, although I was sort of ready, I was not ready for the emotionally nightmare. The first few months after the separation, I was so busy with looking for a suitable, affortable place to live that I did not have time to deal with the emotional issues. The reality of it all finally hit me after I had moved into my new place and I was on my own. It does take time to get over such a painful process especially for a long time marriage. Hang in there.
Thank you to all you ladies for sharing. It’s not an easy thing this moving on at our ages. I was married for 29 years to a man who was passive aggressive, fault finding (when it came to me) and a cheater. I finally built up the courage and kicked his sorry butt out. It’s been just over a year now and I am a happier person I try to go one day at a time and I tell myself each and every day that no matter how things are there is always someone out there that is worse off. And with that in mind I go through each day with a smile. I do have my days when I may feel a bit down, those tend to be more on the weekends when many of my friends are busy doing things with their significant others. I am slowly building a new network of friends who are also single – having a common thread is good.
I now have a dog that greets me each day and she always makes me smile. I have come to realize that a good dog beats the heck out of having a bad man anytime!
I’ve been divorced twice after 2 lengthy marriages. You won’t believe me if I say I didn’t want to be married a 3rd time and I’m not but I live with someone who isn’t perfect but if I could be happy with anyone, it’s him. Actually, I’m afraid to marry him. He might stop trying…seems like men expect you to do all the adapting…that’s probably not fair to say. I’ve learned not to be too accomodating. Anyway, what I want to tell you is that I have a sister who is divorced and I’m actually jealous of her because she is remaining single and has been for some time. She has lots of friends to help her. I don’t have any to speak of since the divorce and because I’m kind of new to the area and my significant other is not an extrovert either. I’m working on it. There are days I go out secretly and look at little houses that i would buy if I were single instead of living in his too big house. I would love to have my own house and flip the light on in the middle of the night and read my novel. Not complaining…just saying …
I found text messages on his phone. He apologized, ended it, and says he will let nothing compromise our relationship. But I realize now that he has been treating me badly all this time, and lying. I am trying to work through why I have allowed him to treat me so badly. We are still together, but I am tending to my needs, going to therapy, hoping that I will achieve a strong sense of self, and that the relationship will change as a result; or I may decide that I do not want to continue the relationship. It’s been hell, that much I can say with conviction. What has been helpful are Buddhist teachings about mindfulness; workbooks on self-esteem; and some codependency stuff, especially on boundaries.
Linda, my ex did the same. I can’t even begin to tell you about all the lies, he even went to marriage counselling and a private psychiatrist – in the end he cheated again. My friends kept telling me, “once a cheater, always a cheater”. It’s the thrill and the excitement of sneaking around and trying not to get caught that draws many of these men. Yes, there are a few that truly mean what they say, but more often than not it turns out to be a sham.
You also need to think about the way he treats you. You deserve to be loved and appreciated for who you are. I’m sure that you are a beautiful person and you need to be with someone that can see that. After my divorce, I quickly realized that I had been hanging on to the past. The man that I had married who treated me well, but that changed. When I looked at his family I quickly realized that he was treating me the same way that his father treated his mother – hard for them to change a pattern that is the norm for them. They really don’t even realize that they are doing it.
It’s a tough decision …. I hope that things work out for you.