As A young bride (20 years old & to my first husband) I had the same fairy tale look on marriage that most all young brides do… it will just come naturally because we love each other soooooo much.
Today on facebook one of my young granddaughters posted something that took me back to this time. Took me back to the foolishness of this fairy tale dream state of mind and it broke my heart. Her post read: “In our family portrait we look pretty happy, we look pretty normal, let’s go back to that. In our family portrait we look pretty happy, let’s play pretend & act like it goes naturally.”
She is of the new generation and instead of marring the guy she has been with they just live together and have kids. They have 2 babies. I understand her ‘fear’ of leaving him because she lacks the needed resources to leave him, she just got her GED, has a low paying part time job, etc. she can do it but it will be very hard for her to do it. I also understand her fear of having to raise kids alone, her instincts to ‘make it all look and be better’, I lived these things for years and I was married.
How do we as grandmothers help our granddaughters not have to go through these things, how can we help them be strong, nurturing, independent, truthful women without selling themselves short? How do we help teach them that they don’t have to settle for ½ a marriage/relationship?
How do we help them understand that the woman isn’t the one who should make a marriage work all by herself? How do we help them set a standard that they will not back down from, to choose good men that want to WORK at a marriage?
Did we all go through the things we have had to just to teach ourselves or did we go through all of this so we can help our beautiful daughters and granddaughters NOT make the same mistakes we made. How do we help change the world’s stupid misconceptions that it is the sole responsibility of the woman to hold a marriage together no matter what? And how do we help teach our sons and grandsons not to fall for this crap too, to stand up and be real gentlemen, want to do their part in a marriage, not treat woman as if they were put here just for their pleasure….HOW DO WE STOP THE MADDNESS?
It makes me so angry that, at one time I fell for this line of lies and it makes me angry that this line of lies still plagues our children and grandchildren.
The toughest part for me, as an adult who has put my difficult childhood behind me, is dealing with family members who are in denial about anything being amiss about how we were raised and the impact this has had on our on-going relationships.
W
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Sounds very interesting.
Good morning llacey2001: For the past couple weeks I have been working with grandparents who are going through what you are talking about and worse. I have spent hours looking, listening, reading, online research, talking to colleagues about this problem and I have not come close to an answer. Our society has produced men that think they are never wrong, invincible and the master. Our society has produced women who think they are subservient, always take the blame, and try to keep lives and families together. Men are the aggressor (the penetrating sperm). Women are the nurterers, the creators, and cradle. When women back several hundred years ago became the evil person (ate the apple) and were the midwives and able to be intuitive and creative, they were burned at the stake as witches. Every generation since then has built on this idea of men yeah . . . women boo. AND WE HAVE ALL BOUGHT INTO THIS BALONEY. We were taught this by our moms. Not because they didn’t love us but because that was just the way it worked. If women ran the world, there would be no wars. Since men run the world everything is attacked as if they are ONE BIG SPERM — take over, bomb them, push them around, get involved in everyone lives to run them. The more men run this world, the bigger the rule book because the only power they know is brute power. But women are really the more powerful ones and we’ve been led to believe that we are crazy, emotional and out of control. This is plain old propaganda. I have some colleagues who are doing seminars on women gaining their subtle and powerful awareness back. Gaining power through our way of creating and growth not through doing it in an aggressive man’s way. Too many women are trying to be the man — wrong!!! You can begin your own crusade by believing in what you are saying and talking about it. We all have sat back and watched our daughters and granddaughters become victim to this horrible imbalance. It’s time to put your nose in somebody’s business and begin to use your knowing and power to make changes. There’s no magic wand to wave around and change lives, there’s only those of us who know what has happened to vow that we will make a difference one sweet little girl’s life at a time. Do I sound like I am on the warpath? Yes I am, but I’m using my power, my tools, my wisdom, my loving, my caring and God’s spirit of discernment to make some changes. Sorry I don’t have an answer . . . I only can speculate on a place to start. Happy journey.
Thanks for this, as I said in another post, we raise them and this is what we get! It’s way pass time to change! Hugs….TRACK
Every time I respond to one of these relationship posts, I usually am followed up by multiple women who urge the questioner to find a way to make the relationship work. My attitude, forged the hard way, and which is now solid as steel, is that ALONE is fine, ALONE is comfort, ALONE works really well. But I’m rare, apparently, and most women feel that if you can’t make the current relationship work, you’ll have to go looking for another one, and then it could be worse. I raised two kids alone, took in another who was escaping a hideous family situation, and found a full and rich life all by myself. I have 7 grandchildren who love me and never have a dull day. I do NOT have someone with a gambling problem, an infidelity addiction, alcohol/drug problems, sexual dysfunction, etc, etc, ad nauseam. I have joy.
So how do you help your granddaughter? Give her faith in herself. Let her know that she CAN do it alone, that you’ll help any way you can, that there are options. She can get training/education and move herself and her children out of the muck. The guy can be compelled to pay support. Life is too short to waste the way she is doing.
If she chooses to stay, then you have to just know that you tried. None of us have time to waste on hopeless causes. I was 18 last week and suddenly I’m 63 . . . not sure how that happened. Hate hate hate admitting how many years I spent waiting for an alcoholic to change. But it gave me what I have now: I never ever will waste another day.
KGrandma: I am one of the minority that agrees with you ALONE is GREAT!!! No drama!!! PERIOD!!!
I have an aunt like you, my favorite! Thanks
Alone is fine, I did not get into a new relationship until I knew I would be fine alone….he did the same thing as well, therefore I have joy within a relationship…..not every relationship involves dysfunction such as infidelity or gambling etc. and personally speaking I think having an intimate one one one relationshp is worth the risk of stepping out….
KGrandma: You said it: So how do you help your granddaughter? Give her faith in herself. Let her know that she CAN do it alone, that you’ll help any way you can, that there are options. She can get training/education and move herself and her children out of the muck. The guy can be compelled to pay support. Life is too short to waste the way she is doing.
We have to give them something they missed somewhere along the way!!!!!
The one thing I found about grandkids on facebook, they are drama people out there, their posts are sometimes done to get a “rise” out of their friends etc. and that you cannot believe or take to heart everything you read that they write on FB….found that out from personal experience…..the fact is, sometimes we can be a support and make suggestions, but as we did, they have to make their own mistakes in order to learn…. your granddaughter has to want that independence and to lose that fear herself….we can take them so far, then it really is up to them. My daughter is very independent, I was also….You can help your granddaughter by being a good example of a strong woman, independent whether she is in a relationship or alone…Sometimes it is easier to talk to a grandmother than a mother…In addition, I did my very best to teach my boys how to treat a woman, how to have equitable relationships, and not a me Tarzan, You Jane mentality.
great comments.
Make your voice heard, dear one, for you have earned it. Your time of life is to be the voice of wisdom. I will never forget the help my grandma gave me and also the stances she took when I was a young mother. I got divorced and went through some things that I wish I could change now. My grandmothers were an example and I think they could have voiced their lessons more. I always took it to heart, the things they said to me, but I don’t thnk they ever really knew that.