| toxic d-i-l |
My daughter in law is only 11 years younger than I am and thinks she is my peer. She is not a bad person, but for some reason, after every conversation with her, I feel deflated and drained. And after a visit in their home, it takes me days to recover emotionally and mentally. I’ve about decided she is toxic to me, but I can’t avoid her completely! Help me!
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I agree with you both totally, but thought this might be a good issue to raise here. I myself wouldn't go with a TV ad unless I knew it was exceptional medical practice. I think again it is so good Robbie that you have raised this issue and educaIt is not true that there "are no enemies". For me to swallow that whole I would have to be guileless and gullible. There are people for whom I take great care. The philosophy that says follow the evidence and predict the future. I will abide
Hi Darcy
I always appreciate your comments. Emasculating a man means not letting him have his DNA role of being a man. It happens when we take control and literally want to wear the pants versus letting him.
It's very hard for Boomer women toWhat is holding you back? Are you ashamed that you married him and did not tell your parents? That action alone speaks volumes to the isolation you will be subjected to. I am certain your parents would rather have you back and alive than dead aHe says you "emasculate" him. Well, and how do you "fix" it. It seems like a word he was told to use, especially if he does not have a definition. Usually it means he does not have a handle on who he is and what he stands for. This is, more l
I was really intrigued by your statement “thinks she’s my peer”. What do you mean by that? What are your feelings around that? Is that perhaps why she drains you?
I have friends 12 years older than I am. I have colleagues younger than my grown children, some that I even socialize with (though in very defined ways – we might catch a movie, or go out for an ice cream, or agree to meet to exercise. We don’t go out clubbing together!) So I’m probably not very tuned in to the idea of “peer”, but it is obviously a hot button for you.
As for her being “draining” – that I sooo get. My ex mother-in-law sucked it out of me. I learned to put up walls and to develop strategies to keep some distance. For example I might decide I needed to exercise and take a long walk, or I might put myself in charge of the kitchen (which was easy as I was the only cook in the family). But also I learned to simply “let go” – to get inside her head and her insecurities and remember that her behavior wasn’t really personal.
Good luck – I’m sure there’s some big life lessons in here and we look forward to hearing about your journey.
Hi joyful53,
When I use the term “peer,” I think of someone with whom I have common interests, values, beliefs, life-experience. She and I could not be more opposite in life-experience, belief systems, or interests. But, that is not the main problem. It is it he emotional and mental draining I experience with her.
Thanks for your suggestions. I have a visit with them coming up soon. I plan to try some of them.
Oh my, the need to be right raises it’s egotistical head. Good opportunity to a) set boundaries and stick to them; no need to answer every question. b) learn to nod and say “oh really, never thought of it that way”, or some other phrase “yes, you COULD be right ….”. These kind of statements are essential and stop talking so much. Too much talky–talky leaves you exhausted, misunderstood, defending yourself and on and on. People like this love to mix it up and your task i not to offer up anything to mix. Let silence be golden and do not fill it with talky-talky stuff. Let her do all the talking and you can file it, note it, or leave it lying untouched. Relax remain mindful and do not talk just listen and nod. Keeps you under the radar and allows for calm.
Hi thricedivorced,
Thanks for the great suggestions. I plan to use your advice. I have a visit with them soon and will post how things go now that I have some boundaries and strategies lined up.
I also have a problem with my DIL who appears to dislike me so much she doesn’t answer the phone when I call, does not return messages, goes out when I go over, will not come into my home but sits in the car instead – I could on and on but I think you get the picture. She is 43 yrs old and I am 70 so it’s not a youth thing. Her mother hates me and I think that’s a contributing factor. I also don’t know what to do. I have a wonderful son and 2 beautiful granddaughters so I can’t shut her out of my life. My son keeps trying to smooth things over as he has to live with her which isn’t easy unless you like walking on eggshells all the time. I have NO idea why her and her mother both feel this way towards me as I have done nothing to aggravate them. I only see them on special occasions when I’m invited so it’s not over-familiarity and I certainly stay under the radar when I’m there.
I find their treatment of me very hurtful and I always come home feeling depressed for a couple of days afterwards. If it weren’t for my granddaughters I would never set foot in her house.
You are not alone with this problem, it’s very common, but it makes me worry if something were to happen to my son – would I have access to the girls ??
It’s sooo sad to have to deal with this kind of crap in our old age. I never saw this situation coming and was not emotionally prepared for it.
Mediation, counselling, anything that will “stop the cycle” so the girls have access to better ways to deal with people. I am sure you are not the only person in the sphere who is targetted. Usually ‘they” have an unspoken list of traits which make one the “enemy”. And usually it is because you have the ability to recognize b…… and are seen to be “smarter” than “they” are. Pathetic way to live and it happens all too often. Again, given this is not headed toward solution, there is no where safe and happy for these ignorant ideas to go — except to pass them on to the children. The likelihood of them making informed decisions rather than misogynist decisions is, well, not favorable. Mom, I would suspect is a misogynist, as is grandma and it is hard to live as a woman who hates women and make informed choices. Therapy, therapy, therapy or get some books. I am sure someone in this lively informed group will have suggestions.
With respect to your feelings afterward, or during, create a mantra you can silently recite, do NOT take anything personally “they” are likely to dislike many many women who are like you — so the face does not matter to them (so do not think it is directed at you), engage with the grandchildren and get out of the house. Oh yes, and listen listen listen without taking any of it personally; use the old nod and smile with a few oh oh’s thrown in. And like other stuff in life Throw it do not store it. GIGO9 garbage in/garbage out. Find out how the girls think.
Thanks for your feedback. You are right on the money regarding her mother, she doesn’t appear to have any women friends at all. Her whole life is wrapped up with her daughter who is an only child. She has no husband or interests of any kind. Her daughter appears to have some friends that she went to school with but neither of them are what you would call social beings. My son did get her to go to a therapist five years ago who told her she had a LOT of issues that she needed to work on and she got so mad she never went back. She was put on antidepressants for a short while and my son said her mood improved, but again, she didn’t like taking them so she stopped. They both do nothing but criticize everything my son does, which is everything, and it just breaks my heart to see him living like that. He has a good job and supports the whole family, she doesn’t work, of course, and has no concept of how lucky she is that he puts up with her and her mother. I don’t think anyone else would – oh yes, she deliberately got pregnant so he would marry her. He is my only child and I worry that the stress of living with her will eventually affect his health. His father died of a massive heart attack at 70. I also worry what she’ll do with me if I’m not able to look after myself as I’m also alone with no family left alive other than my son.
I will try the mantra and I’m certain they would treat any other woman just as badly but it’s just so hurtful and so unfair.
Thanks again for your suggestions.