dealing with 26 year old son who thinks life is to party << and tring to do it with tough love and not working Help
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February 09, 2010
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Sounds very interesting.
Been there, done that. Lived through it. Cost me a lot of money and grey hairs. At age 32, my son is finally showing signs of getting it together.
My advice is to continue the tough love. Don’t be an enabler (Do as I say not as I did)
A little more information would help the gals here support you. Welcome to Vibrant Nation! This site is full of amazing women who care deeply.
Keep sharing.
I agree ….. hold the line with the tough love. Don’t enable. When he hits a wall and has to pick himself up, he will learn the most valubale lesson of his life.
I know it will hurt your heart. I know you want to fix things for him, and have him never suffer.
But you must. Pray. Get busy with other things. Coach him, but dont rescue him, don’t help him, and when he hits that wall………….pray harder for the strength to endure your hurting heart for your son…….so that your hurt and his carelessness will end all the sooner.
i hear u on all of this and it has been so many times with i’ll change u wait and see and i feel that the workd has to royaly kick him in the butt! hubby and i r 57 and 59 son soon to be 27,,,,, he has no job no gf and drinksalot and ha done many silly tings in his time of being an young adult>>>>> i cant even look at him with out crying etc,,,it breaks my hear so bad i just wish it would go away ,,,i have another son 28 soon to be 29 and he is totally different and i know each one is different ,,but i have never ever had to deal with any not even a minute part of the 26 year old life styles and his choices! It is choices and he seems not to want to have any goals etc I am tired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So many moms think that what worked with one child will work with the other. So we keep making the same disciplinary choices and nothing works. Have you ever heard the saying “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome”? Or another faulty thinking area is “oh he’ll eventually grow out of it”. If your 26 year old son has been drinking for a long time, he doesn’t have the ability to grow up. He probably starting abusing substance very young. All those years, when the developmental stages should be helping him grow up to an adult, he has drowned them all with substance of some sort. Those developmental skills include learning how to cope, making good choices and daily decision making. So now he will not have the ability to make those adult decisions and will not grow up. He has to stop abusing substance and re-learn what he missed out on from early teens to now. You probably won’t be able to help him now, he has to do it. What have you done to help yourself? Sometimes if we as parents stop thinking that we are at fault, or we can fix this, we find peace and relief just allowing ourselves to stop taking the blame. You are not to blame. Stop trying to fix this, you can’t. You need to stop and get out of the way so the world can kick him in the butt. Maybe you should nudge the world a little bit my setting some boundaries that he isn’t allowed to cross. Gain some knowledge about setting boundaries with adult children and then make up your mind your energy is going to be spent drawing the lines so his choices don’t effect you anymore.
Just because it hasn’t worked yet doesn’t mean it wont or can’t. Hang tough MOM… My sons use to call me the meanest mom in the world… I proudly still hold that name dear to my heart. Because the meanest mom in the world help teach them how to do dishes, clean their own clothes, clean their own rooms and fix a meal so they don’t starve. Every one of my kids have returned to me in privet and thanked me for being the meanest mom in the world. I AM THE MEANEST MOM IN THE WORLD ! ! ! ! OK OK OK because I didn’t beat my kids or withhold food from them I’m the nicest meanest mom in the world.
Hey my son told me that once too. he said Mom, when we were kids I thought you were the meanest mom on the whole block. but you taught me stuff I needed to know. And I notice his parenting skills are very similiar. His kids often think he is mean. They also clearly adore him.
i do not give advice on tough love anymore. It backfired on a friend…. her kid killed himself. He was depressed, she thought he was lazy. Imagine to live w/that for the rest of our life.
Lynette: I regret that your friend thinks that her tough love is what caused her child to kill himself. That is horrible to have that happen and I’m so sorry for her. But, HER TOUGH LOVE DID NOT CONTRIBUTE TO HER SON’S SUICIDE!!!!! She is not to blame. I’m a professional and have dealt with this often in clients and families. Even though there are signs, there is absolutely no way to predict or prevent a person who is going to suicide. If they’ve made up their minds, they will succeed.
having lost a sister to suicide I feel free to comment on this comment. it takes a long time to believe in our hearts that we are not responsible, to finally get it.
it’s one thing to know it in your head, and quite another to know it in your knower.
I was very fortunate indeed to KNOW from the beginning that I was not responsible in any way for my sisters suicide, but I also know it is almost impossible to think clearly for a very long time after the event.
I think letting people be were they are at and finding their own way to their own conclusions is best.
Wow Catharine, that must have been so hard on you. You probably still have some lingering thoughts and will always have the pain. I like how you said “to know it in your knower”. That puts it right at the heart level. My experience has been that if people who are grieving are left alone to sort it out, sometimes they don’t sort it out. Some will get through the grief and figure it out. It sounds like you did do that okay. Healing from something this tragic doesn’t mean that you “really get over it”. It just means that you learn to cope with it. Coping means learning to think about it differently. When the think changes, the grieving changes. And all of the grieving process takes time like you said.
we could have quite a lengthy conversation here on this topic, but I do support and mentor on a suicide grief site specific to suicide loss.
I find in suicide loss there’s no coping. What there is, is growing a new normal. And that takes a lot of time.
Bless you for giving to others what you have learned and know.
Hi minney47,
I really want to chime in. I have 3 sons I’m very proud of. They all partied or are partying now while in college. I’m not sure if you’re meaning drinking. Please give us more information. Do you mean he’s not settling down and becoming responsible?
My son is 26 and he ha used drugs of what he did i dont know,,but he stared drinking about 21 so 5 years and he still drinks,,he has had many upsets as a results of his drinking and yea i am an enabler and not proud of it at all,,i do know what i am doing and with every part of me trust me when i say this,, i feel like my son is dead becasue he is not responsible at all,,, i feel likei am morning and when he says he is going to change i believe him and then the cyle begins again,,, Not sure if it is the feeling ofme dying or how i feel that he is dying,,, he is not the person son i raised ,,when sober honestly u would never believe the stories that have come with the drinking casue he is sweet so swet a heart of gold,,,,I am going to attend meetings i do know from others there is help,,, but i have this empy feeling inside ofme that wont go away! I cant even talk bout hiom with out crying it is hard and yes i need help alot of help!!!!!!!!!! To deal with this i thank all of u for ur support,
Is it possible that your son is BiPolar. Mine is. Bipolar people tend to be intelligent, creative and substance abusers (it slows down the racing thoughts in their heads).
Just a thought. I’d hate for your son to be treated strictly as an alcoholic if there was something else contributing to the issue.
Check out this web site. http://www.NAMI.org
Do some research. Only a professional who specializes in this disorder will be able to diagnos your son for sure. But if you see a lot of similar symptoms, you can check it out.
All the best, Marilyn
Reading your post I so can relate to you. I feel your pain and know how hurt you are feeling. I want to say to you have been right where you are. We as moms think we can fix them and feel helpless when we can’t. No, they are not the sons we raised. The drugs, or alcohol takes over and they get lost in the disease. When he tells you he is going to change there is a part of him that does want to. But, being ready to change is what counts. I hope you do attend meetings. Find encouragement from others who are walking the journey you are. Yes, there is help. I think the most difficult thing as a mom is coming to the place of accepting we can not fix them. We can love them always. But, with that love must come wisdom, healthy bounderie’s for you. I believe watching your son do these things is a grief process and so hard both emotionally and physically. I pray you would get some help for you . You deserve it. I say never give them money for sure. Continue to encourage him to get help. Even tell him you will go and sit in the meetings so he isn’t alone. I don’t know if you have considered an intervention? Just know you aren’t alone. Many moms are hurting just like you. I pray you would start back to meetings and realize there is help. You have a life to live. You deserve to be happy. Start doing things for you. Things perhaps you quit doing that made you happy. Start living life. I know this will be hard because your son has become your focus. Your worry and concern. This can just take over every area of our life if you let it. I know. I pray you would have the strength to say no and start living life again. He knows what he is doing. I pray he would make the choice to get help. God Bless you .