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The thoughtless husband Hot Conversation

Mu husband and I have “grown apart” for a variety of reasons.  I keep trying to do things with him that would (I think) make it better.  Yesterday we had a “date” to meet for dinner and then shop for our daughters BD.  I showed up, but he totally forgot.  He does this or similiar things that tell me he’s just not that into me on a regular basis.  We’ve been to counseling, but nothin has changed.  I think its time to call it quits, but I seem to be in a state of limbo.  I know it’s over…why can’t I make the break.

Posted in family & relationships, love & sex.

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16 Responses

  1. Five to Nine Five to Nine says

    Please don’t think I’m not respecting your pain, but the first thing I thought when I read the title of your post, “thoughtless husband”, was, ‘isn’t that redundant?”

    I’m happily divorced at the moment but in thinking back, I think that sometimes thoughtlessness is not necessarily an indication of passive aggressiveness or losing interest, sometimes it’s because the individual can’t walk and chew gum at the same time.  Trust your gut. What do you really think is happening?

    My best advice for you would be to COMMUNICATE exactly what you’ve said here to your husband. “When you don’t show up for a date we’ve planned, I feel as if you don’t care about me.”  A direct statement will sometimes trigger a direct response.  Not always but sometimes. 

    In any case, accepting the situation and not communicating your pain will keep you in a state of limbo.  When I was on the fence about leaving my husband, I asked our counselor if I could see him alone.  It was the best decision for me because he helped me to see that if both parties aren’t fully engaged in repairing the marriage, there was no point in my staying.  I deserved better.   You deserve better.  I’m not advising you to go; I’m advising you to take whatever avenue you can find to examine your reasons for staying.

    Truly, I wish you all the very best!

    2 like

    • Generic Image lotus sutra says

      I spent many years being straight forward to how I felt about his actions. I talked for hours sometimes..he listened and nodded….never could express how he felt.  It  did not impact him…he stayed the same. I spent many night crying myself to sleep….blaming myself.  I realized after 20 years..i need to stop crying and move on. I love my husband..but I know he doesn’t love me the same. i need more and someone who does understand my feelings. So i am going out on my own….I am excited yet afraid. Have friends around you whom can support your with your decisions …learn to live.  Good Luck

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    • Generic Image grace says

      great advice your reasons for staying

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  2. dynamomma dynamomma says

    Five to Nine’s response was right on mjoelene.  Plus we change.  Sometimes what kept us busy as young mothers, in young careers also kept us from realizing that we had no relationship with our husbands.  So when we are ready for more, our poor clueless husbands are out in the dark.  We all know men aren’t relationship gurus, they can’t even carry the guru’s book of do’s and don’ts.  I think you can’t make the break because you’d still like to see something change, and probably think that it could change.  For you, you’ll have to give it one more try.  Only this time don’t think couples counseling is going to do the trick — start on yourself first.  Your ability to state what you want is loaded with positive outcomes.  You’ll be in my prayers.

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    • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

      Good advice, dynamomma, I also think as long as things are not “violent” or painful, KIt is best if you can to start working on yourself before you leave, take time to save and secure yourself as much as possible so that when you leave, you can support yourself and have some “cushion” if possible, While the change is going on inside of you, you may notice a change in him, You can divorce him but you will forever be with you so make yourself happy and remember the golden rule, What you give out you will get back so give love where ever you are and it will be your reward .

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      • anir anir says

        You are so right fayetteSIPP,

        Been there, done that.  I don’t regret having waited it out and made sure I was secure financially and emotionaly.  It was still hard, but here I am.

        anir

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      • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

        I hope she gets it….too many women leave too soon , leaving soon should be when you can afford it or if their is abuse, then leave real fast!!!!

         

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      • Generic Image suenivy says

        I’m sorry, I just do not agree with the statement “what you give out you will get back………   I have only been “used and abused” by living in that la la land.  But I do give love where ever I go and ”that” is MY reward.

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      • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

        if you give love wherever you go and that is your reward…so you feel your reward is in the giving but not in the receiving?

        Sometimes .when we believe we give and all we get back is abuse, we need to really look inside of us, if we give begrudgingly, and  not wanting  to do it; then it is not counted… sort of  If you really don’t want to do it. It is then better to not  do it . If you are resentful you will get back resentment….if people are abusive it is up to you to remove yourself from them if you can physically, if not we must learn to remove ourselves from them mentally…I hope you are no longer being abuse and used. We sometimes unknowingly ;teach  people how to treat us …mainly by how we treat ourselves. first Love yourself and let it reflect.

        much happiness and love to you suenity

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  3. Nettiefre Nettiefre says

    Hi:  I have been married for 43 years and the saying still holds true that men are from Mars and women, Venus.  Sometimes I think what makes this marriage work, is that we are different.  What is important to me though is respect and the ability to speak my mind.  Some men do not communicate their feelings like women; however, that does not mean they are disinterested.  I made up my mind long ago that I would not make my husband responsible for my happiness.  I do not miss out on what makes me happy in this life: eating out alone or getting on a plane or train when he doesn’t want to go.  When I come back, I have a new attitude.  If he never changes, I have and we are both content with each other.     

    1 like

    • Nettiefre Nettiefre says

       Don’t mean to be preachy.  Got married at 19 and have been married over 1/2 my life.  Learned some things from the journey.

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      • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

        I laugh about preachy, because one of the secrets of marrying young is that you “grow up” together, and train each other along the way , but as in “parenting” when the “child” grows up you have to be ready for the journey. I too married at 19 and am still married to the same man. i remember a couple about 8 years older than us , late on the woman a sweet person began to travel by herself ,we thought at the time why she leave him all the time?…Sometime men don’t wont to go and become unsociable with “those who you were once close to….You learn you have to make yourself happy, but don’t so it in resentment…after 41 years  you do have something to “preach ” about, only if the “church” listen.(LOL)

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    • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

      So true

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  4. Lynnette Lynnette says

    i think Nettie has it right… go out, enjoy yourself.  Don’t wait for someone else to make you happy.  I have known a few women that have done this throughout their marriage and they are still together.  One in particular sticks to my mind.  When i was a young girl i could not understand why she was still married to this man, who i personally liked, he was my husband’s best friend.  However, this man would go hunting for a whole week at Bear Mountain, with his friends one week a year and he loved it.  They would not bathe and would sleep in tents all together probably burping and doing gross things.  They would go in the winter to haunt deer, yiak!  So she decided it was her time to take a vacation with her family somewhere in PR, Florida or whereever she knew she would be welcome.  She came to parties by herself, sometimes he would show up, sometimes he didn’t, but she found out early in her marriage that she needed to make herself happy and it had nothing to do with love for each other, they just had different interests.  She did not take it personally.  Maybe at first she did but she learned quickly that she was not going to change him, nor he change her.   At family gatherings they were together of course as she also learned to have gatherings at her house, so he had no choice but to stick around.

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  5. Generic Image mjoelene says

    I have gotten a lot of good suggestions from all of the feedback…but most of all it has made me feel less alone. Thank you all for your insights.  Yes, it is up to me to find my own happiness.  While I was driving home from the “date” that he forgot, I felt as though I was in the wrong life, so I have to change that aspect of my life and accept that I cannot depend on him.  I have to take responsibility for staying with him all this time. He’s not going to change, but I am!

    1 like

    • Five to Nine Five to Nine says

      Loving your new attitude, mjoelene!  Someone told me many years ago, “in order to effect a change in others, we have to change ourselves.”  I believe that.  Whether you stay or go, if you keep accepting bad behavior from others, they have no incentive to treat you any other way.

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