I have met (online) and dated a wonderful man for over two months now. He truly is everything I could want in a long term relationship with the one exception of his age. I am a young 61 (daily exercise, etc) and he is a relatively old 68. Now I am aware that my “healthy” self could get hit by a bus tomorrow and he could outlive me by 20 years or more. Anyway, he wants to move our relationship to the “next level”, (AKA sex), and the idea makes me uncomfortable. I have absolutely nothing against sex, and I have had a few lovers since my husband’s death ten years ago. I like this man very much, but the spark isn’t there. What is wrong with me? Any ideas of what I should do?
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I wrote this in 2003 and recently discovered it in a desk drawer!
HI, Sylvestercat,
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There is a busy hot-topic conversation thread going on under "Other Topics" and "Shared Housing Alternatives" on
Nothing is wrong with you! I feel very strongly that your instincts, inner voice, whatever you want to call it, is working just fine. You said, “the idea makes me uncomfortable” and that’s that. You can always go forward with moving the relationship to the “next level,” but you can never go back. I say honor your feelings of discomfort. Continue to see him if you want, but hold your ground. When it feels right, you’ll know that you know that you know. Best to you! I hope you keep us posted.
“I like this man very much, but the spark isn’t there.”
You just answered your own question (smile) If you have no spark and you allow yourself to *go there* anyway, you could easily ruin what you already have.
Just be true to your own needs and nature and trust your own heart.
Thank you both. You make sense. I will continue as is for the time being!
You have indeed gotten some good advice here…I’d just add that if a man has to express a desire for sexual intimacy by saying he’d like to go to the next level (or similar euphemistic phrasing) he’s speaking in a void. Part of the magic of good sex is its spontaneity. Sex – the kind when you can’t help being together so – is worth waiting for.
On the other hand, sex is also a form of communication. Caring deeply usually involves physical expression, and as you grow in your admiration for this man, you may feel you want to have sex with him. In the meantime, the question is not only should you have sex with someone who doesn’t turn you on, but also how do you help him cope with your reluctance without hurting him.
exactly; he is truly the kind of person I would never want to hurt. And he is not pushing me at all. It occurs to me that he is offering me something I am not sure I have ever experienced (even in my marriage): an honest and true affection for me and who I am, along with physical desire. When I think back over my life, I realize there has been a lot of betrayal, and a lot of pain in my relationships. I already know that those things do not exist in this man, I think I am scared….
That he is not “pushing” you may mean that he’s scared, too…maybe not in the same way you are, but certainly enough to give you the space you need while you both figure out how to handle the expected way for relationships to progress. It’s quite possible that as your trust and belief grow, so will your desire to share intimacy with him.
In the beginning of my relationship, I thought the spark was missing too. As it turned out, there was some bashfulness on both sides, covering up what has turned into roaring fire! At the time, I discussed the lack of spark with a counselor I was seeing, and he said to me: maybe it’s you. Whoa! I had not realized I was projecting my intimacy issues (fears) onto the situation. From what you shared, this could be a good opportunity for you to heal and grow. But maybe you want to do that with the help of a good counselor. You are in charge, it is not all or nothing. You can go tiny step by tiny step. Best wishes for a healthy loving connection!
IrishEyes,
Reading your post it reminded me of back when we were teenagers feeling scared about taking it to the next level with a new boyfriend. You have much more history behind you than you did back then, but it’s basically the same feelings, “Does this guy turn me on? Does he make me feel comfortable?”
The way you describe yourself (exercise everyday) and him (relatively old 68) speak volumes. If you’re not physically attracted to him then you’ll never want to reach the next level. If you could clear your history with a click of a button, how would feel any different about this man? Would he turn you on?
If not, then tell him up front that you just want him as a companion. The scared feeling is the same as when you were young, “will he stay or will he go.”
Let me know if I’m off-base, Irish. Good luck.
I think if he is good in all the other areas, you should give him a chance in bed…#1 making sure that the words you stated regarding “no spark” is not an avoidance thing for you….#2….the spark may come while you are intimate….and he just may surprise you and be a fantastic, caring lover…just my 2 cents.
P.S. I had a spark, no make that dynamite, with someone post-divorce…turned out it was the only thing he was good at….
LOL at Sunblossom’s last comment. Been there….haha
But — IrishEyes, I also admire her suggestion that your man could be a good lover and you won’t know if you don’t try. Decades ago, I sat at the office lunch table with a woman who was radiant with excitment and just bursting to tell someone how thrilling, passionate, skillful, and ultra-hot her lover was. When she revealed who it was I was stunned – an out-of-shape, partially bald, 50-ish man who lumbered about the office in an ill-fitting suit. I was very happy for her, and I must say I regarded this guy with increased respect for the rest of my tenure in that company.
Thank you all – I am grateful for the wise feedback. I have no answers yet, and I am still wondering about it. Vonnie’s words ring true; if I am not physically attracted to him, then I’ll never want to go to the next level. This is terribly discouraging to me; I have been out there dating for a long time now, and this is the first man I have met that I feel like we could make a good couple. So I am so mad at God or nature or whoever is in charge of these things that I have not been given the appropriate feelings! !@#$%^&*(!!!!
My opinion, and it is simply how I would feel myself, You have everything to gain by giving him a chance to prove he can generate a spark.
I am your age and found myself in the same relationship a few years ago. Finally did let him prove himself with delightful results. Came to realize that the men for whom “the spark” came first tended to be men who weren’t healthily for me.
This reminds me of how I got married to my first husband. I liked him but the spark wasn’t there. Then one night we made love and it was a wow-ser of a session! I decided i was then in love, accepted his marriage proposal, got married, eventually had children. Once the bloom was off the excitement, it turned out he was not the best man for me, actually quite boring and inconsiderate, and so I languished in the marriage for way too long “for the children” and “to maintain the lifestyle” that two could have but one could not. So sorry I wasted all those years because of that fantastic first love-making session.
I say, trust yourself. It it feels right, do it, and if not, remain companions–good pals are hard to find. Besides, if you’re seeking our opinions you are in a state of doubt, so don’t move “forward” until or if you really want to do so.
Two or three months into a relationship isn’t a really long time.
As others have mentioned, there seems to be more than just having sex with this man that is holding you back.
It just doesn’t sound like the chemistry is there for you to become sexually intimate with him. I firmly believe that if physical attraction is important and actually necessary for you to have intimate relations with him (and there is nothing wrong with that!) then you aren’t being true to yourself or him in going there… now…or maybe even ever.
Truly Irish Eyes, if the spark isn’t there to be physically intimate with this man, he isn’t pushing you and that is what YOU wish were there… then this just isn’t the sexual partner for you. Be a caring companion and enjoy that for exactly what it is.
It’s how you honestly feel, don’t beat yourself up about it; blaming anything else will only add to your frustration. Breathe a bit.
You mentioned that he was an old 68 and doesn’t match you in your physical lifestyle. Perhaps you’re just not attracted to him physically.
Right Placid about the old 68…..some people just settle in to that “senior” attitude and lifestyle, and, Irish, it just may be that you need a different type of guy…..I still believe in giving him a chance before shutting the door…like you said, you have been at this a while….I’m not advising you to “settle” but just nudge that door open a little more.
I do have a question for you tho’….would you be willing to share why he is physically unattractive to you?
.I guess my previous opinion to give him a chance is that you already have a small, short history with him, and you didn’t go running from the relationship right away, and I just keep thinking it would be better to try to build on that before reinventing the wheel again….this is coming from someone who reinvented the wheel a few times…it gets really old after a while…
I was in a similar boat eight years ago, when my boyfriend and I met. I was far more fit, he’s eight years older, his sense of humor is corny while mine is dry, etc. But in so many ways, we were right together, that we did “take it to the next level.” So very glad we did! He’s a caring, thoughtful, compassionate sex machine, and we’re still deeply in love, and planning to spend the rest of our lives together. We met four weeks before my 50th birthday, and I’m sure the love and good sex played a role in my symptom-free menopause.
I didn’t mean to discourage you, Irish. If you think you make a good couple, there must be some attraction, right? Maybe his words ‘taking it to the next level’ scared you a little. Guys say weird things, sometimes. I was with a man who was great in bed, but said things like “What did you do to your hair?” :/
Is he a good kisser? Is he teachable??
Sunblossom – he is not physically unattractive, but I think the age difference (and the attitude therein) is unattractive to me. I want to feel like I am with a strong vibrant man. On the other hand, I haven’t had much luck with that type!
Vonnie, is he a good kisser? He hasn’t been very forceful, and probably if he had been, I would not have liked it..
I want to thank you all for all your very helpful insights. I feel like I am sitting around my living room in front of the fireplace with a glass of wine and several of my best girlfriends!
My overall sense is that I am going to have to “set him loose”. I just feel kind of wretched about the whole thing, because I am so tired of dating, and I had a glimpse of hope this time…
BUMMER!
Irish…despite any advice you get here from our “fireside” chats….in the end you must be true to yourself and your needs….be encouraged that there is someone out there…I was divorced after 29 years of marriage, in an unfulfilling relationship that I (we) tried to force….no go….then I went on E-Harmony and after a few dates that did not work out, I met the person I am with now…we are going on 9 years together…I guess the 29 points they match on must have worked for us…..so take heart and keep us posted….I have a feeling it won’t be long before you are telling us about meeting your match….
Quoting Irish: “I feel like I am sitting around my living room in front of the fireplace with a glass of wine and several of my best girlfriends!”
What a great compliment to the women here at Vibrant Nation. Where’s the virtual fireplace? I’ll bring the wine, you bring the cheese. lol
On a serious note, before you kick him to the curb, think about it, do you want a long-term commitment or can he be just a dinner companion? I’ve often thought if I was completely single again, it would be nice to a little buffet of guys each with ‘endearing’ qualities to make up the perfect man.
That’s a dream of mine, but until I’m able to blink and turn myself into Helen Mirren, I don’t see that happening. But, you get my drift. Good luck!
Spark, how do you get that at our age? The men our age just arent that attractive and neither are we(speaking of myself here). I dont see how you get a spark if you dont think they are attractive???
Maybe I am still not ready?!
I am 63 and my husband is 77. At different times in our marriage, our age difference has waxed and waned. Right now, there is a big difference in our energy level and interest level. He is content to stay at home and watch TV–I still feel young enough that I want to do things, see things, go places, etc. If you see that now with your friend, DON’T let it go any further than friendship. It will save you a lot of heartache and regret later.
If it’s hot, it’s hot, if it’s not, it’s not! Unfortunately you can’t will being attracted to someone. I am a very fit 63, recently divorced. While I really don’t want to date younger guys, many men in their 60′s just aren’t attractive to me. And yet, if I go out with this 54 year old who asked me, I’ll feel old. Not a turn on. At this point I have no desire to give up my independent life, but I could imagine the “buffet of guys” Vonnie refers to.
One more thought, do you think it’s possible ( assuming you aren’t in serious pursuit of a life partner or husband) to get turned on by flirting and turning on the older guys. While you may not be attracted to them that much, just knowing you have power over them and using it may turn you on a bit. Sounds like fun, maybe. I guess I’m feeling a bit frisky being so recently divorced! I also keep thinking, If I don’t kick up my heels in my 60′s, when will I??
Sex isn’t the whole relationship. Things can be great in bed and then you have nothing in common the rest of the time. How much time do we really spend in bed? I would look at the big picture and think about how you would feel without him in your life. Would you miss him? Do you enjoy your time with him? Just tell him your not ready and can he give you more time. Tell hi
you love your time with him and don’t want to jump into sex too quickly. If he really cares about you he will stick around and his staying might spark the spark that you didn’t know existed.