My Dad died on Monday, a month after being diagnosed with an acute illness. I am in my early 50′s and have had a very complicated relationship with him. I am sad for his suffering and the end and am sad for my mother and siblings, but all I honestly feel is a sense of freedom and relief.
I feel like a TERRIBLE daughter. I have been told that everyone grieves differently and that there is no “right way”, but I can’t deny that my heart feels lighter. Any words of wisdom?
1 like
Permalink: http://www.vibrantnation.com/family-relationships/the-many-faces-of-grief/
I thought I would revisit this post. I was going to respond to some of the comments but I won't. I realize I wrote this on the wrong site.
By the way..nevermind.
My six year old granddaughter told me just the other day that she is learning yoga in gym class. She said the teacher told them it would help them to calm down and be more peaceful. Then she demonstrated warrior lll and tree pose. I promised her I'd 
An addendum: I'm a little bit of a perfectionist and by little bit I mean a lot. I hate making mistakes, hate getting in trouble and am not a bit fan of being wrong. However, I learned that the most useful thing I could do for myself was to all
Watermusic,
That is exactly what to do to keep your spirit and energy in harmony. Thank you for sharing. Letting yourSelf off the hook is the hard part. Good for you.
I want to share your story with a client that is coming next week who can ne
I guess it is your son or M. Obviously your son is into protecting you from further engagement in a destructive relationship. Your son is right, you did deceive him. Again, obviously he holds you in higher esteem than you hold yourself.
Ho
sorry, that should read “at” the end.
I think that if most of us were as honest as you — we would/could/might be able to admit freedom and relief — and I am also a very firm believer in saying it like it is!! Sometimes we are not the most popular folks on earth — but — at 79 yrs 8 months — if not now – when???
Hang in there darlin — and know you are fine!!! M.
I am totally in favor of being honest with yourself about your emotions. Good for you for doing just that. I, too, agree that grief shows up in various ways and that sometimes we need a break from it. Right after my Dad died, my mother, brother and I went home, talked, cried, made arrangements and then sat down to watch Blazing Saddles. That was our break from all the “stuff” that goes with someone’s death.
In your case, due to the nature of your relationship, I don’t think there is anything “wrong” with feeling a sense of freedom. There may be very little for you to actually mourn – and that’s totally okay. In my opinion, you’d only be a “terrible” daughter if you were to lie to yourself. ♥
Take good care of yourself, chataround, in the days and weeks to come. Of course you will act respectfully at any memorials and acknowledge other’s expressions of sympathy. Yes, give yourself permission to breath a huge sigh of relief. And do not be surprised if you feel an unexpected sadness at times. At some point, you may wish to write a letter of forgiveness to your father so you can truly let go of the past and be free. For sure be there for your mom and let her take comfort in your presence. You can be the strong one for her while she walks in this new place without her husband.
Chataround, I was in pretty much the same situation as you. I think when relationships are ‘complicated’, many times we have already spent years working through our grief that the relationship was not what we deserved/expected/wanted. So when the person passes away, we’ve actually done much of our grieving of the loss of the relationship already. In my situation, I came to realize that the relationship that was complicated is now not complicated anymore. That he is no longer hurting others, and no longer hurting himself. I also created a scenario that in ‘heaven’ he is now free from all the things that tortured him into being the twisted person he was on earth….therefore since he is no longer twisted, his responsbility now is to make it right for those who he hurt on earth. This storyline is quite comforting to me.
Thank you so much, ladies.
Barb, that is EXACTLY what I needed to hear.
You’ve lightened my heart.
My relationship with my Dad was complicated. We’d mended most of our fences by the time I lost him, but very near the end I sensed he was mad at me. I floundered around a bit and then found a book entitled: Your Loved One Lives On Within You by Alexandra Kennedy. That book changed everything for me> It helped me explore what he’d been feeling and what I’d been feeling. After reading that book and heeding her advice I was able to put everything into perspective. I missed my Dad a great deal, but I realized that dying when he did and how he did was really a blessing – and I felt happy for him. Today I think about him often; I remember with fondness the good things and I shake my head and chuckle at the not so good things. Sometimes, when I walk past his picture on the shelf I say “you could really be an asshole sometimes!” And I can tell from his expression that he knows what I’m talking about!
Thanks, Robin! I will look into that book