About a decade ago, an acquaintance of mine who was older told me that when a woman gets to a certain age, expecting to get all her needs met by just one man was difficult. Her recommendation was having several men for different needs: one for financial advice, one for handyman help, one for culture like theater and museums, and should she wish, one for pleasures of sexuality. As I grew older, I saw the benefits of this and have named the idea “The Committee”. I have at different times had the committee going. Now I’d like to write about it and am conducting some research. What do you think of this idea?
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Sounds very interesting.
I’M READY TO READ! I HAVE HEARD OF THIS BEFORE.
People actually do this, or just dream about it?
I love it! Sort of like poligamy.
Actually, what you said about having several men to take care of different needs, didn’t really imply that each of them would also be a sexual partner. And if sex and intimacy and making love is only reserved for one man (that being your husband) then we really do have a committe in our life. I have a CPA that does our taxes and advises us financially; I have a handyman that paints, repairs, does the yard, maintains, cleans the house, keeps the pool up and I have friends that share the culturally enjoyable activities. But I’m not in love with nor do I have sex with or intimate moments with any of them. As I have grown older the benefits of having a committe to help you take care of your life is a very practical idea. I don’t want to be an expert in all fields like financial, etc. And I’m not physically able to do all the things I used to do when I was younger. But all these areas of your life need to be looked after–thus a committee (or whatever you want to call it!)
Yes, most of my married friends enjoy support primarily from their husbands, but as you point out, not everything, always. For women who had been used to having someone help out, it is often difficult to be completely self-reliant. When my husband died unexpectedly, I hated having to take the garbage cans out to the curb – it wasn’t that I couldn’t, it was just that it had been nice having someone who helped me out. Now I don’t want to rush into a serious relationship with someone – I still have a young child – but would like some male support in my life for things I need help with, so the committee idea supports that.
I have a girlfriend that found herself instantly single. I remember her talking about the things that got taken care of (and sometimes didn’t get taken care of) by her husband. She looked at her new responsibility as a challenge she could conquer — and she did!! I asked her a while back how she felt about accomplishing all she learned how to do. With this glint in her eye’s and a sly smile on her face, she said “I finally became the man I wish I’d have married.” (smile)
It isn’t that I am not competent – I have run a horse farm, a catering business, owned several homes on my own and done repairs on them, raised a child completely on my own with no support other than my own profession, finished two MA degrees after my husband’s death, etc. But one of the joys of life is enjoying the connections with others and men definitely add something to my life – and even if you can repair and fix everything, you sometimes need an extra hand, or a new idea. The point is not everyone is going to be happily partnered in this world, and women should feel free to have male friends they can count on just as they count on their women friends, and not have to feel like they have to limit their lives to one perfect but often elusive man.
You’re right. Society seems to think that if a women has a relationship with a man it’s always more than just friends. Pretty lame I agree. So if you had one perfect but elusive man and you also had a few really good men friends, do you think your exclusive intimate partner would be okay with you having men friends? Lots of men’s egos wouldn’t allow them to be that open minded. So in your research is it just going to cover how women think about this? Or will you also talk to men about being part of a committee? Interesting idea. I hope as you develop your idea you will keep us informed.
Thanks, dynamomma, for giving me ideas to think about! I’ve always had male friends – I grew up with three brothers close in age and my house was always full of male energy, so I learned how to easily be friends without complications. My husband never had a problem with my male friends because he knew that I was madly in love with him and that I have no tolerance for infidelity in myself or anyone else. I still have close male friends, and my women friends also know that if I am friends with their husbands, too, I support their marriages 100%. Maybe all of this is why I find the “committee” idea workable, but others with different experiences might not. So I really like your idea of talking to men about it, too.
Maybe the brothers thing is the difference. I too had only brothers, my ex-husband had only brothers, my current husband has only brothers. He also has only sons and only grandsons. So, I guess I do have a lot of opportunity to relate to males on levels other than sexual. I too have some dear male friends that have always been just friends.
I’ve heard the wise old wives’ tale of “the committee,” for years, but always thought the advice was aimed at single women.
dnyamomma presents an excellent example of how it applies to married/partnered women as well, and how such an arrangement might not be as unusual as one would think.
I’d be happy to meet one loving man, and we can be our own committee, and hire people to do things we can’t or don’t want to do– the way I do now.
Best thought yet!!!!
Wow, Chuffed, based on just the responses here, looks like your research could take you in a lot of different directions. I, for one would love to read your final product. If you haven’t already done so, I would recommend the book ‘Sex and the Seasoned Woman’ by Gail Sheehy. It will give you some good background for the sexual part.
Good Luck!
Thank you, Olga – I love Gail Sheehy’s writing but haven’t read that book, so I will look for it. I appreciate your openminded response! It is amazing how many in here think that their way is the only way – not exactly open to a free exchange of ideas or opinions.
Thanks. I think the responses are good examples of how we all have different perspectives on the world. It also shows how much we project our own feelings and ideas onto others as if we were in the other person’s head or something. lol. The free exchange of ideas is what keeps my brain working now that I’m retired. lol
You might also enjoy ‘Mistakes Were Made-But Not by Me’. Interesting study on how human beings rationalize things to themselves and others.
BTW, during the years I was single (before my current marriage), I was pretty self sufficient, but I also had acquaintances whom I could call on for extra help. Sort of like a panel of experts. At that time, I lived in the country, and folks just did that for each other. It was called being neighbors.
. Of course, we also partied together. lol
Sounds like the way I lived in my thirties: one man who challenged me intellectually, one who was sexy and gorgeous , one who was sensitive and in whom I could confide, another who was a good cook….
I always dreamed I could find all those attributes in one man, and I finally did in Robert, my great love who inspired my book (Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty), my career change (from writing about fitness & health to writing/speaking about ageless sexuality), and the greatest 7-year love affair that a human being could want.
Now I have friends who form my “committee” — though I hire people for handyman work and financial advice.
- Joan
I had it, too, Joan, in my late husband and still hope to find it again…it is a worthy goal.
I hope you find it.
I call this misery in the making. I am capable enough to meet my needs without a committee.
I call this “misery in the making”. I am capable enough to meet my needs without all this committee.