When my step-daughter had her baby, my husband was out of town. I wanted to go visit, and was told “no.” In other words, I was treated differently than everyone else in family — brought home to me once again that in that group I’m a second class citizen. The steps will, for example, write their spouses’ b-days on my kitchen calendar, but in 12 years have never sent me a b-day card. At this point, I’m thinking that my husband should just see them alone … as I stuff it for a long time and then get very angry. Any ideas?
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Sounds very interesting.
Can you just come out and ask them why they treat you this way? How long have you been with their father?
I’m a step-mom, too and I guess I really lucked out. My two step-daughter’s are wonderful young women, and their mom is true sweetheart.
We’ve been married 10 years, knew each two years before that. He left their mother eight years before meeting me.
Hmmm, I really think a long talk with them couldn’t hurt. When you asked to see the baby and they said no…did they offer any kind of explanation? Perhaps new mom was exhausted and the time when you wanted to visit wasn’t a good time? What about your hubby? Why isn’t he talking to them about their behavior toward you?
Also, step-daughter later told me that all arrangements for visits had to be made between her and her father — even though he was out of town for entire time she was in hospital.
I have been married to my husband for 37 years, but am in the process of divorce right now. He had been married (I had not) before and had 4 children. He supported them with no through all the lean years we had, I was always there trying to make them like me and sending cards, buying gifts, trying to pick out the perfect thing for them and got the same thing. Nothing. Not a birthday card or Christmas card. For about 3-4 years his older daughter did send cards, then quite again for some reason. We have one daughter together and the same thing applied to her. Nothing. After a while, I didn’t care and if he wanted to send them a card or gift, he had to buy it himself. Not that I didn’t care about them at all, just that after all those years you get a little tired of being treated like the wicked stepmother no matter what you do to help.
Have kind of a similar situation, but not as bad. In order to keep your sanity, quit making any first moves. It just makes you feel worse. You can only take rejection for so long.
What does your husband say about all of this? I know from experience, they hardly ever confront their daughters about poor behavior/attitude. But if you let your anger show, they will say something to you about it. I understand they are in the middle of it all, but still………..
Let your husband make all arrangements to see the baby, go with him whenever possible. The baby will probably never feel like a grandchild to you because of the mother’s attitude, but you should still try to have a good relationship with the baby.
Your not alone. I am 10 years older than my husbands oldest daughter. He has 3 who are all women in their 40′s now, with 9 children between them. I’ve been in the kids lives since birth. As well as their natural grandma of course.
however, they are always celebrating birthdays for themselves, their spouses, their DAD, the kids, and expect a big thing to be made of birthdays.
but nobody has ever acknowledged MY BIRTHDAY.
I’ve always treated them well, and been treated with a certain distant respect, but find myself distancing myself as graciously as possible on many of their family occassions this past year or so.
Grandpa has now been told by me to buy his own gifts, wrap them, and give them. So he’s pretty much resorted to gift cards to movies etc. Or cash. Teenagers always loves cash.
But get this. I am sincerely considering throwing myself one hell of a 60th Birthday Party! And guess who is NOT getting invited? Just my friends and me. whoooooohoooo
As a stepmom myself, and one who was fully custodial to my husband’s son for his last four years of high school, I’ve gotten used to the snubs and to being treated as if I don’t really exist. My stepson is interested in me only to the extent I can do something for him. Otherwise, I’m invisible.
I’ve detached and now let my husband handle everything. I suggest you do the same. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter how you treat stepkids–you will always be a second-class citizen in their world and not part of their family.
Merry UnBirthday to you!
Have your party!
Catharine, I have reached the same conclusions recently… myhusband will have to buy gifts for his side of the family. I spent about 4 years trying very hard to bond.. cooking meals, gifts, birthdays, etc. No reciprocation. I feel insignificant to his kids and their spouses. There is no give and take, just give from my end. I have decided now to distance and quit trying. I’ll be friendly when they are around, but not push for anything more..It’s no fun to feel unappreciated and taken advantage of…!
Have a great Birthday Party~
HOW DO THEY TREAT YOU IF YOU RE AT THEIR HOME? ASKYOU TO JOIN IN FOR A DRINK ETC.?
OR EGNORE YOU? A s for a card. ME ,I d send ablank to them,stating I was reudly forgoten(once).
AFTER THAT ,Id play the situation by ear.THEN DESIDE, IF MY HUSBAND SHOULD SEE THEM BY HIMSELF.