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Son-in-law Most Liked Hot Conversation

I have a totally disrespectful son-in-law. Whenever I’m around him, and no one else is there, he does or says whatever he can to purposefully humiliate me. He’s arrogant and knows that he can get away with it because of my love for my daughter and grandchildren. I have wiped him out of my life. I want nothing to do with him, but I know it’s going to interfere with my relationships with my grandchildren in the future. Am I right to stay away from him and totally ignore him?

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Posted in family & relationships, other topics.

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32 Responses

  1. grannyinlongjohns grannyinlongjohns says

    Sigh, been there, got the t-shirt, wore it out and strangled my f___ing outlaws with it – just kidding.

    J.R. Tolkien wrote ”In the heat of battle a man may forget where his best interests lay”.  Seriously, patience wins in the end.  Assholes always smell like shit, bullies are cowards who will back down if you challenge them….

    It costs you nothing to be patient and it WILL bring peace.  Put up with the bullshit because it’s not worth losing the ones you love.

    My daughter married a guy who had the personality of a knat.  He brought books to read at family gatherings.  I knew he didn’t like me – not pious enough, I guess.  I bought him scotch, gave my daughter gold jewelery and a diamond, went up and worked my butt off when daughter was sick and couldn’t cope with stress.  Gave them money, and told Scott I loved him.  Also reminded him that beyond love of God what God is most interested in is our relationships.  He is a theologian.

    Now we get along great.  Similar story with daughter-in-law.  My mom said “kill ‘em with kindness”.  You never know.  Swallow your pride and do not go against those whom your kids love.  You will lose.

    26 like

  2. Unique One Unique One says

    I know your right. I’ve tried all that. Still doesn’t work. I just never mention his name to my grandchildren or get into any conversations with them concerning him. I’ve pulled his ass out of financial problems when he wouldn’t even go to his own parents. I’ve done the gifts, money, and even helped him when he was sick. I’ve never threatened to throw him out of my house under any circumstances. They relocated and bought a new house in another state. Three times I’ve visited them, and three times he’s threatened to throw me out of his house unless I complied to his wishes. Once he went to the hospital with an allergy attack. As he laid in bed, with my daughter on the other side of he bed, he asked me if I’d hold his dick for him because he had to take a piss. His words exactly. My daughter just looked at me and said nothing. I left immediately and cried all the way home. This is the ignorance and disrespect that I’ve had to put up with from him. I can’t continue kindness to him. I deplore him. The only thing that works for me is to stay away from him completely. I just have to come to terms with my heart and know that I’ll always love my daughter and grandchildren, and care about them as best as I can. I know I’ll miss out in many ways in being a part of their lives, but, if that’s the way it has to be, then that’s the way it will be. I know in my heart that I’ve always done the best I could for them. I am, by far, quite a distance from being an angel. I have many faults. But, humiliating someone in that kind of manner has never been an option for me.

    12 like

    • Generic Image Tropicgran says

      He said that?  And in front of his wife?   Something is definitely wrong with him.  That’s abusive to you and your daughter.  I would stay away from him–he’s got some mental issues.  Encourage your daughter to visit you with the kids and without him.  Keep the lines of communication open with your daughter and the grandkids because they are going to need you sooner rather than later.

      13 like

    • Generic Image Darcy09 says

      He is a bully.  Ergo he a bully to all.  They are not smart enough to selectively bully.  He seems to be isolating your daughter and children from outside influence.  I can only guess it is to make him appear to be wise and all-knowing about “what is best”.  Underneath is arrogance and profound insecurity, hence the need to isolate daughter.  Your greatest gift is knowing he is insecure.  He will eventually be in the hands of the law.  Prisons are full of the “always me/always right’ types.
      You could get some therapy to assist.  God knows eventually the children will need therapy to get over problems given them by this person, as will your daughter.  They likely have little self-esteem or, at least your daughter, would not stand for.  You are the target for you have “yet to recognise his greatness”.  Your job is to stay sane, in touch and get help so you can ensure you are the “soft place to fall”.  Take a hobby with you so you can “ignore” what’s his name and still be close.  Also — not so  much talky-talky his type thrives on it, stores your replies, turns them, and makes the good ones his idea.  Let him carry the conversation with lots of nods and oh-my’s never thought of it that way, yes I am sure you are right(they love that one) and know inside that they are indeed right (to/for them).  It is not easy, it is however a valuable tool when brain picking an idiot.
      Stay safe and keep the little ones and daughter safe.
       

      11 like

    • Generic Image nminev says

      Good grief ,he sound like a psycho!!Have you talked to your daughter about this???
      I thought you could win him with kindness,but no,he isn’t worth it!

      3 like

    • Generic Image joanne0899 says

      This is scary because I am going thru the same thing. My daughter’s husband, who has never earned the title of son-in-law, is a dirt bag. He has kept my grandchildren from having any contact with me twice in the last 10 years for an entore year. He once tried to throw me down a flight of stairs. My daughter backs him on everything. While visiting them a few years ago (they live in California, I live on the east coast) i saw him push my daughter. I sent the cops there for a check on tjem as I was suspicious of abuse. They said they saw no indication of abuse. He continues to win the battle. I want nothing to do with either of them. My concern is for my grandkids.

      1 like

  3. Generic Image WhiteFire says

    I am very concerned about your daughter, and that she is left alone, with an abusive inappropriate husband. Someone who behaves in that way, wants you to disappear, so he can isolate his wife and children. I hope one of your grand children is not a girl. I don’t know what your relationship with your daughter is like, but I would do everything to maintain a close connection to her. Because she needs her Mom! When things go south, and it’s only a matter of time, your daughter will need a place to run to. Good luck, ignore him, shower your daughter with love, kindness and emotional support, she needs it!

    15 like

  4. veronique veronique says

    Sorry to hear that your daughter is allowing your son in law to disrespect you.  What is she afraid of ?  Or why ?

    Anyway you are right not to want to put up with it.  No one should.

    Lose him but don’t lose those you love.  He would have won.    

    9 like

  5. Generic Image AngelMom says

    Check out Dr Joshua Coleman’s website. He has written a book and gives talks on adult children estrangement, including son/daughter in law mistreatment and abuse. He offers wise and compassionate advice. His perspective has really helped me.

    6 like

  6. Generic Image Karen27 says

    Very tough situation, but I agree that keeping a safe distance emotionally from him is the best bet right now.  If I were you, I would be civil and restrained and just limit communication with him to the bare minimum.  Your focus is on your daughter and your grandchildren.  If he starts to provoke you – and it sounds as though he intentionally tries to push your buttons – take a deeper breath and ignore the provocation. 

    As long as you don’t have to live with this man in your house, it should be easier to have limited contact with him.   I also agree with another post stating that there is a good chance your daughter will, in the future, extricate herself from this guy so just be a safe place for her to land.  Good luck.

    5 like

  7. judekazooty judekazooty says

    Unfortunately many young men (and women) believe the sterotypical adages that say one should hate their mother in law and that all mother in laws are nosey and controlling. I have five daughters and have had more son in laws than that..as some married a few times ..I do know that my daughters bitched about me and my husband to their husbands and of course that lays a foundation that no person can build anything good on. ..unless people are very mature..
    Once I got my feet wet so to speak ..being a mother in law..I decided to treat them in whatever manner they treat me, however I do forget sometimes and give too much, and then have to return to my former self and withhold THINGS so as not to be run over. I have many friends who after becoming widows, had their kids and grandkids take them over ..as in RUN OVER them like a Mack Truck and basically take everything they had, with absolutely no regard or love for their mother/grandmother.That said one can be too guarded and defensive when dealing with inlaws..I have seen my husband reach out to my parents and had then reject him because they were suspicious of his true concern for them..As for myself I have tried to remain at a safe distance from those I have seen would use me, to babysit, or loan money etc. etc etc and let them know that just because I love my daughters and grandchildren I will not be used, schmoozed or dismissed rudely. Take up for yourself..have plenty of your own interests and don’t let your life revolve around anyone elses. ..

    10 like

    • Alicia Alicia says

      The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life.  I think it should be required reading for everyone on the planet.  1 in 3 women are living behind closed doors because of abuse….

      7 like

      • discoveritall discoveritall says

        I also was saved by Patricia Evans book THE VERBALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP and would recommend that you read it. My ex husband was verbally abusive but eventually started physically abusing me. This book saved my life. Your daughter is in danger – please stay as close to her as you can. As someone else pointed out, your s-i-l is trying to isolate her and the children from you and the rest of the family. Don’t give up – Katie Holmes family didn’t give up and now she is finally free.

        7 like

      • Generic Image peggykass says

        Patricia Evan’s books Survivors of Verbal Abuse and The Verbally Abusive Relationship save my life, too. And that of my sons I might add because all those years an abusive father was their role model. I left less than a year after I read the book but it had taken me 24 years to get to that point.
        Bob Grant, a therapist in NC who has a strong web presence points out is never appropriate to let a mad get away with abusive behavior because it just encourages him to be more abusive.
        I suspect your SIL is an equal opportunity abuser–you, your daughter, his children—all are targets of his abuse.
        Set limits and encourage your daughter to see a therapist.
        Good luck and be safe. These men eventually become physically abusive–my husband did.

        3 like

  8. energizersnobabe energizersnobabe says

    This may be a case of “like mother, like daughter,” so it’s time to grow a backbone, mom! If he’s doing this to you, he is most certainly doing this to your daughter. Your daughter needs a healthy female role model to stand up to him, but in a positive, non-antagonistic way. I recommend you stay in the game and don’t let him win. Read these books for yourself and give copies to your daughter. He is trying to get you out of the picture, so move in closer. When he says these kinds of things to provoke you, don’t take the bait, don’t get mad, don’t leave and don’t let him see you cry. Instead, start practicing some verbal self defense. As a strong, no-nonsense mom of boys, I can think of lots of comebacks that would put him in his place, but it’s obviously not that easy for you. So when he asks you to do things, try this: “No, thank you.” Period. Nothing more, nothing less. When he says rude things (he will, when you start saying no and taking a stand), say, “Well,, that may be true… you are certainly entitled to your opinion.” Or just say nothing and smile… but stay there! The key is, DON’T REACT TO HIS REACTION. He is trying to get your goat. You also might benefit from clearing the air with him and drawing a line in the sand. At some point in time, in front of your daughter, tell him, “I am your mother-in-law. I raised this incredibly bright, beautiful and caring woman who chose you as her husband. Because I did that, I expect you to treat me with the respect I deserve, for as long as I am your mother-in-law.” (subtle hint there ;) ) Your daughter needs to see a strong mom/woman now, not someone who runs away when he gets inappropriate/rude/abusive. Good luck and hang in there!
    Kelly in Reno

    20 like

  9. veronique veronique says

    Kelly, so well put.  Thank you so much.  Veronique

    1 like

  10. Generic Image LStephens2 says

    My gut reaction is that this guy’s behavior is wearing thin with your daughter also. I’m of the opinion to take care of yourself first and stay away. Encourage visits with your daughter and children alone – girls weekend sort of thing. I’d also never give them another dime. When you give money to kids, you’re basically telling them that they can’t handle their finances on their own.  That “Bank” mentality is a double edged sword.  When my children have asked for money, my response has always been, “You’re a smart girl, you will figure this out.”  Good luck.

    1 like

  11. Generic Image Celia47 says

    “Disrespect” is way too mild a term for what you describe.  Call it what it is — rude, crude, boorish, threatening, abusive, and potentially dangerous.  When you talk to your daughter, tell her his treatment of you makes you worry about how he treats her and the kids.  Stay away from him, and be a safe haven for your daughter  She will need it

    3 like

  12. Generic Image Crabcakes says

    Energizer, you are SPOT on.  I too had a jerk of a son-in-law, and now I have 4 grandchildren with serious emotional problems. LONG story. My daughter estranged herself from me for about 6 years. I was heartbroken and cried for a solid year, paralyzed from depression. Not until he tried to kill her in front of the four kids did I get to see my daughter and the kids. After time in prison, he moved away, leaving a HUGE mess for me to clean up. I understand there are reasons why some women stay in this kind of relationship, but I can’t understand it. Please read those books and follow the advice above. It is wonderful advice. Good luck!

    3 like

  13. Generic Image Fortunecookie says

    I read once many years ago that women cry when what they really want to do is get rip-roaring angry. On this note, I am struck by the number of women here who say they have been treated in a humiliating fashion and yet creep away crying.

    Shirl Girl you have every right to stand up and say what is or isn’t acceptable for you, this is 2012, not 1912 and not only does this victim behaviour just set you up for further bullying, you are perpetuating a dangerous role model for your daughters/granddaughters that women must just somehow suffer and bite their quivering lips in silence no matter how badly they’re treated. I’m not suggesting some sort of total wig-out in front of the family, but you are a presumably strong and intelligent woman who is allowing herself to be victimised in front of her children and grandchildren which is doing no-one any favours, least of all yourself. The solution to this situation is not IMHO just agreeing with someone like this (what kind of mesage does that send your daughter?), you need to be honest, firm and very clear to this idiot that this behaviour is unacceptable – and mean it.

    1 like

    • Generic Image Darcy09 says

      Just to back up a bit, he would not have asked any of us to  hold his ….. his fear of pain would have held his mouth shut.  I want to reinforce the notion of nodding and keeping quiet.  He is way too volatile to be dignified with a conversation, which for him is  like an information gathering adventure.  Her daughter could also learn that and keep the edge off things while plans are in the works, with or without her.  Someone needs to be there once in awhile to ensure the “family” has a chance to breathe.  He likely has a stranglehold on out-of-house encounters.  So “grow a backbone” and go in eyes open, mouth shut except to point out the obvious and give an alternate idea.  And … document document document.  someone has to for the courts will be VERY interested in what happened to whom, when, and where.  Also keep the diary for the purposes of therapuetic help as well as the police.
      Someone has to say something once in a while, make it you and make it have an impact.  Best way to do that is nod, smile, agree that (it is his deluded thinking) it is not yours, keep comments to a minimum.  No raised voices, breathe thru it — remember you are the smart one — you can see thru the fog of delusion.  AND … did I mention document, document, document you will be the only one with a credible recording of events.
      Breathe and read, force yourself to visit so the kids will know they have somewhere to go where they will be safe, respected, and…. loved.  You are the matriarch and will model what love is …. he can model what love is not.

      0 like

  14. Generic Image Sally Whitehead says

    No one should have to endure that type of behavior from anyone. I’m the type that would stand up for myself but my concern over this situation with an abusive SIL is what the daughter and or children may end up with even more abuse from the MIL standing up for herself.  There are no easy answers here but I think professional help is needed for all and undoubtedly at some point law enforcement will probably be required.

    My ex-husband was an emotional abuser and only grabbed me once in the heat of an arguement. I told him what I thought and in less than 3 years of marriage he became an ex-husband.  We were in a relationship for 7 years prior to getting married but had our own homes so the severity of the abuse didn’t rear it’s ugly head until we married.   I wish Shirl girl all the best and it all works out the best for her and her daughter and grandchildren.

    0 like

  15. Generic Image rachel sally says

    Verbal Abuse from a family member has a name .it is BULLYING. I used to think that my husband had a right to tell me that I was ignorant,or dumb or had no taste.After all, he’s my husband right? WRONG!!!It was one of several things,this bullying, that eventually wore me down,sank me into a deep depression-real bad depression where I described myself as living in the darkness.Thank goodness I found myself a good psychologist and i began to see how I should react to his abuse.Basically it was just not tolerating the hearing of it at all. Whenever he would raise his voice and scream at me ,I learned how to say”I will not listen to you if you scream.—when you talk in a calm voice,I will listen and continue this discussion.”Then the trick is TO LEAVE.I would go to the library,go out for a coffee,go to a friends or if I couldnt leave the house,just close myself in a room with a book for an hour. Like a dog,a man will learn that if you deny him love (your presence) he will stop the bad behaviour.The bad thing about all this is my children were exposed to this bad behaviour that I have tolerated for 25 years and my big adult son had learned to also act this way to me. I learned from the doctor to do  the same thing with him .Just a few weeks ago,my son was so disrespectful to me , I told him to leave the house.he refused.I called the police. Four big cops came to the house and talked to him. They said things like “You said THAT to your MOTHER? “to him.My son is 31 years old.I had never done anything like that before.The cops told him he had to leave the house.They were wonderful.(Thank goodness my husband was not at home,I know if he were I would have had his ire ,but it worked!!)I know the policemen probably went back to the police station and chuckled over this one but it was truly a way that worked.MY son saw big tough guys who were on MY side who told him he was acting like an idiot,not to be disrespectful and to leave the premises because I WANTED THAT. It changed all the dynamics of the relationship with my son.he is much more respectful to me- it has finally gotten through their heads I will not tolerate it.
    PEOPLE ARE ABUSIVE TO OTHER PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY ARE ALLOWED TO BE.You can learn to be self assertive and fight back with effective words that stop the behaviour dead in its teacks. And when you do do that you feel ON TOP OF THE WORLD!!Get help. I am a 60 year old retired schoolteacher who worked for years in a real tough school district. If it were anybody who should have been capable of standing up for themself,it should have been me right?However,when it comes from family,it somehow seemed different. I am happier and much freer from the dread of living with this burden.

    1 like

  16. Unique One Unique One says

    I am overwhelmed by all the replies to my post. First of all, I want to thank each and everyone of you for your concern and suggestions. 

    About 5 years ago they moved West. I live on the East coast. My daughter and grandchildren are very happy there. He doesn’t treat his family the way he treats me. My daughter is an ex-cop and she is in no danger by him. He knows that she would never tolerate him ever mistreating them or her. I have no worries concerning him ever abusing them. This is my daughter’s second marriage and her children come first, above anything else. She does love him and tells everyone that she is raising three children instead of two. Both children are A students, always have been and go to the best schools. The older one is in his second year of college. He is very athletic and a black belt so I have no worries. He is also very close to his mother and cherishes his little sister.

    This “ass” has always spoken that way to his mother so I don’t feel singled out as far as his disrespect for older women goes. It’s just his way. Myself, I know that if/when I visit there, I will stay in a hotel, invite my daughter and grandchildren out to dinner or whatever, and exclude him from my presence and keep him totally out of my life. This, I have accepted, and this is the only way that I’ll ever have a relationship with my daughter. As far as my grandchildren go, I was fortunate to spend 6 weeks with my little granddaughter this summer as she visited at my older daughter’s house. Of course, he had to make them promise that I could spend any time I wanted with my granddaughter, but she wasn’t allowed to sleep at my house under any circumstances. Now, that’s some reasonable mentality. After all, what couldn’t I do to my granddaughter during the day that I could do at night. It’s just his way of having a power play. It didn’t matter to me because the day will come when she’ll be old enough to make her own decisions. I got my hugs and kisses before she left and she told me that she wanted to come again next summer and spend the time with the family here again. I love her very much. He knows this, and no matter what he tries to do to hurt me with my love for them, it’ll only work for a little while for him. What’s he going to do later in life when they make decisions on their own.

    As for my daughter, he does love her very much, and probably knows that without her, he would be nothing. That is a proven fact. She’s an intelligent woman and could make it in this world without him if she had to. On the other hand, he’d never do well without her. He never did before he married her because he just doesn’t have the intelligence. And, he knows, if he ever tried to hurt her children in any way, he’d be the first to go. Because of my daughter, her son is nothing like him. He was opening up the door for me when he was 3 yrs. old. Respectful is just nature to him. His stepfather has been no influence to him in that area – Thank God. 

    I guess we just don’t have too much choice over who we love sometimes.

    Thank you all again. It’s wonderful to know there are caring people like you in this world. God Bless you All.

    2 like

  17. Generic Image Alfreda says

    The comment he made while in the hospital, coupled with the fact that he couldn’t ask his own family for financial help, makes me wonder if he was molested by his mother, or if his mother had an inappropriate relationship with one of his friends.

    1 like

  18. Unique One Unique One says

    I don’t think so. His mother was divorced, remarried and his new father adopted him. He’s just one of those macho guys who has absolutely no respect for older women. His mother coddles to him, which is something I won’t do. I’d just as soon not look at him. He’s a low-life in my book, and I’m so glad my daughter raised her son differently. Because her son loves her so much and is so close to her, he has total respect for women. He’s the type that would say absolutely nothing, rather than stoop to that low standard.

    0 like

    • Generic Image Darcy09 says

      Unique one, I suggest you re-read your last comment.  There is no rational thinking expressed there.  Is the son “hanging on mom” as an adult replacement; where does the misogyny come from?  You, pretty much, have nothing left to lose.  So stand up for yourself, give the child back his childhood — he is not the adult replacement.  You are.  Does this family need therapy or information from the recommended books — yes.  Will this child likely have trouble in school, yes.  He has no reference points with his peers, he is an only child schooled in “how to behave like an adult while still age …”..This has  nowhere safe and happy to go …

      1 like

  19. Generic Image joanne0899 says

    My daughetr’s husband is such an angry person that I fear for my daughter and my grandkids.

    0 like

    • Generic Image Darcy09 says

      Start a bank account, put the money away for her escape and do not say a word.  she needs to get a plan to escape.  It is essential that there is a plan.  You know the most dangerous time is when she is leaving or has left.  there has to be a plan.  talk to a lawyer if you want to, talk to the police, get information wherever you can.  Keep it to yourself until you have a plan from your end.  Details details and document document document until you are tired of it and then still do it.
      He is afraid of something. 
      At this point it is hard to care about what it is.  He knows she will leave him.  He is terrified she will leave him.  He carries this fear every day and thinks if he can control her then things will be … well .. controlled.  Now find some happiness for someone in that scenario… not likely.
      Get a plan.  After all the details are in place let her know that WHEN she needs a safe place to fall you are there.  It may entail leaving with just the clothes on their backs and an airplane ticket *waiting at the airline*, not at home where he can find anything to trace.
       

      0 like

  20. Generic Image Suegra buena says

    So happy to have found this website after much searching.  Seems like everything else talks about the Bad Mother-In-Law, who is interfering with her son and daughter-in-law’s marriage.

    As for me, take my son-in-law, please!  He uses anger to try to control our household – yes, they live with me, for the sake of my grandkids. Even my Golden Retriever doesn’t like him – she nipped him yesterday. My son-in-law was raised in an abusive household, where his father hit his sons (not his daughter, though) and especially their mother. My son-in-law was the one who got his mother finally to call the cops, after which she got the courage to divorce his father. His father blames my son-in-law for the divorce, of course.

    So now I’m stuck with a guy who thinks “respect” means saying, “sir” or “ma’am” like they taught him in the Marines. He yells, tries to shout me down, and God forbid he should ever listen to anything I have to say. If I want respect, he says, I have to give it to him first, which basically means I am to do as I’m told. My daughter thinks she stands up to him, but she gives into him more often than not. I have little luck getting her to stand up for me.

    How do I handle it? I have been most successful at not engaging with him. I walk away, put on my headphones, and read for awhile, so I can’t hear his ranting. When he’s calmed down or has left, I come back out again. This infuriates him, as you might expect. Fortunately, now that school has started back up, he isn’t around as much, so I can avoid interacting with him more.

    Why do I let them live with me? My daughter and son-in-law are both in school. Where they could afford to live, the neighborhoods are unsafe, and the public schools are terrible.  I also hope that maybe I can make a difference in my granddaughters’ lives by showing them another way to treat people. It’s all about them. If my daughter and her husband had no kids, they’d have been outta here a long time ago.

    2 like

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