Today’s Featured Comment
I don’t like the term “cougar,” but I am madly in love with a man 13 years younger than me and he is a handsome Italian winemaker. Other people think about our age. We don’t. He dated lots beautiful younger model types, but a date or two, he said there was nothing to talk about.
Being in a relationship is about being compatible in energy, interests and lifestyle. He loves my business savvy, self confidence and life experience, and I love his zest for life and marvel at the stuff we get to do. My only child is grown and he doesn’t want to have kids. It’s perfect. We live part of the year in Italy and part of the year in the USA. It may not be a traditionally lifestyle but it works for us.
I think baby boomer women are just gearing up in their 50′s. They put their lives on hold to raise children, run households, develop careers and contribute to community. Now it’s our time to rediscover or dreams and talents that have been long forgotten.
Men on the other hand seem to be winding down, ready to golf or veg with the clicker in their hand. They seem exhausted by responsibilities and at this stage are looking to slow down.
This may be generalizing a bit, but let’s hope you are with a partner who is hitting the same stride. I just turned 50 and think it is just a number.
[This comment was originally posted in this conversation. ~ Eds.]
Have you dated a younger man? What’s your perspective?
I am 55 and in a similar position. Fortunately I worked as a financial advisor in the past and so managing my funds is not a huge challenge. This is where you need to be careful, as other replies have said already. Just invest conservatively if po
I’ve mostly dated younger men. I made a commitment to only date men my age a few years ago. I’m rethinking that. Maybe it was just my experience, but the men I dated who were my age were a mess. I’ve decided that I’m going to date the person who is right for me. Age is only one of the factors in play.
Go for it! As women over 50, we have lots of dating choices now as long as we stay open to all of them. Everyone seems to want to date us-older men, younger men, and men our age. How fun is that!
I read an article in the Victoria Herald (Canada) about 15 years ago which listed all the reasons (at least 10) why it makes more for a older women to be with a man who is younger. I should try to find it. Someone sent this to me. T
The best women are over 45 years old. Not only are they beautiful, they are peaceful, understandable, logical and more seductive. They may have crow’s feet or cellulite on their thighs, but that makes them more human, and more real. Beautifully, real.
Most of them are now married or divorced and married again, thinking that the second time will be without error, or the third, or fourth. Doesn’t matter.
They born in Aquarius Era, under the influence of the Beatles music, Bob Dylan…they are the heirs of “sexual revolution” from the 60’s and the influence of feminist ideas. However, they combine freedom with flirtatiousness, emancipation with passion, vindication with seduction.
They have never seen man as an enemy; they decided to make a covenant to live as a couple. They are wonderful and have style. They even make us suffer, when they deceive us or leave us.
They talked with passion about politics and tried to change the world. A mature woman will never will wake you in the middle of the night to ask you “What are you thinking?” because she doesn’t care what you are thinking.
If she doesn’t want to watch a soccer game she won’t walk impatiently around for more mature women to be with a man at least 5 – 10 years younger than themselves. I should try to find it in the meantime here is an article a younger man sent me. He has an attraction for older women and in particular me.
She will start doing something else more interesting. A mature woman knows herself enough to feel secure, she knows what she wants and with who.
There are just few women over 45 that are interested in what you think of what she is doing. Women over 45 have already covered their quota of important relationships; they are generous with their compliments. They know what it is to not be appreciated enough; they feel secure enough to introduce you to her friends; only a young immature woman can ignore their best friends.
Women turn into psychics with time, they don’t need to confess their sins, they are honest and direct. They can tell you to your face that you are stupid, if that is what they think about you.
Sadly, this is not reciprocal. For each smart, funny and sexy woman over 45, there is a 50 year old man, bald, fat, and with wrinkled pants, trying to be funny with a 20 year old woman and that is simply ridiculous.
I ONLY dated younger men when my first marriage fell apart. I preferred them to men my own age because they were less likely to be controlling, and had much less emotional “baggage”. I met my husband when he was 32 and I was 46, and we just celebrated our 10th anniversary.
Age is really just a number…
Dating younger men is a great idea but just try it when you are trying to meet someone on an online dating site. The first thing everyone looks at is the prospective one’s age. Most men my age, 62, seem to want women 20 years younger. I did online dating for a couple of years and I did meet and date a few men who were close to me in age, never younger than me. The guy i’m with now is 10 years older than me and admits that he just wasn’t interested in women his age. (I’m not complaining. He is great and I’m glad I took a chance with an older man.)
They’ll come around, Ann. Actually younger men are more interested in older women that older men are in women their own age–due to a variety of psychological factors, I suppose. I’m lucky to have role models: my best friend’s French husband is 10 years her junior, a writer colleague’s life-long love is 20 years her’s, my dad married a woman 18 years older than he after my parents (the same age) divorced and they lived happily until his death–which came first.
I’ve just started dating a man 11 years younger than I am and I like him a lot. My last relationship was with a man 5 years younger, not much, but a tad.
Keep your profile preferred age range wide enough to permit younger men to approach and they’ll approach you in time. Of course we have to be careful. Not all younger men are interested in our charms, some eye our resources and I don’t want someone with psychological mommy issues. I have a lower limit–no one under 40 and I prefer early to mid-50s. I’m in my early 60s.
The main article is not surprising. European men are far less sensitive to age than American men are. Try French or Italian guys if there are any in your town.
Good luck!
Hello Austin Julie,
I really enjoyed reading your comment about dating younger men. France,Where I lived and was educated men and women go out in group and that’s how we meet each other .Fifteen years after my divorce I met a man 16 years my junior and we started seeing each other.When that didn’t work out I randomly met one 18 years younger.We had fun skiing,talking and he loved the Beattles ‘ music like I did.it didn’t work out at first and a younger man came into my life who was super intelligent and was fascinated by my ability to speak three languages We had fun together in Paris but now I am with the ONE who adores me because of who I am .Age doesn’t matter.It works because of the relationship we have together…STRONG and WONDERFUL…one that will last a lifetime…a GIFT..
I agree with most of the comments listed above; in fact, they’re great. I am in the same age range as most of you, I do online dating ( not frequently, but enough); I nearly always go out with younger men, and that is a lovely thing for many reasons. Older men, or those close to my age are the ones who seem to prefer younger women; younger men, on the other hand, don’t seem to mind, and age is never really an issue. I have one drawback, which in some cases, has turned into a plus for me and sometimes a negative: I don’t post a photo of myself. There are many logical reasons, too. First of all, I am not photogenic ( this is the main reason), secondly, my profession is really at stake, and more than once, people I know in life off the dating sites, began to ask me out; this was very troubling to me. I am also very private, too. And, I have found many men don’t post true-to-life images of themselves, so on my end, I have been disappointed. However, the good news is that those truly interested will pursue me despite the lack of a photo, and when we finally meet one another, if things don’t work romantically, then we have both gained a friend, and we all need lots of those.
Hi-I totally agree that men wind down and loose interest in lots of things while women of the same age(50′s) are vibrant and many are just reaching the peak of self awareness, confidence and sexual energy! My man is 25 years younger, well educated, interesting and hot as hell! What cool is that I’m saggy, chubby and not a “cugar” with everything nipped and tucked! He found me on a cugar dating site and loved my very “real” look as well as what I wrote about myself. It’s only been 8 months but we have the best communication, compatibility and chemistry that either of us has ever had! I have always and will always date younger men. Just think- by the time I’m 75 I may have slowed down just enough to be comparable with a guy who is my age now!!!(52). I say go for it!
GOOD for you,Barbara I am with you.Fifteen years after my divorce I started seeing a much younger straight man who picked me out of the crowd in a gay nightclub and asked to dance.Since all the men who have asked me out have been much younger…
You’ve got it good! I dated a man 13 years younger than me, (met when he was 26, and I was 39) but we broke up because I didnt want to have kids and he thought he might someday. So if your man is sure he doesn’t want kids, you got it made!! That was the only thing standing in the way of our relationship. I couldn’t in good faith require that of him, to not ever have kids in order to be with me, so we just stayed friends finally.
I agree with Ann248. Online dating is a bitch for older women (i’m 63) because the older guys going online do look at the age and all things being equal, why not go for a 40 or 50 year woman vs 60. I’m attractive but haven’t felt comfortable going public with my photo online so that doesn’t help either. But I have written to several guys online, gladly offering to send my photo. No takers yet!
However, i did meet a guy last weekend who was attractive and looks about 50 or so. Our first date tomorrow night. My guess is he thinks I’m younger than I am, but what the heck I ain’t going to keep my age a secret.
Back to online dating, unfortunately I think that in general older women are probably worse off in the dating department now than they were before online dating. Many of the eligible older guys we would be dating are now sitting a home with their computer clicking for dates from a very large pool of women willing to date an older guy.
For now, I’m focusing on in person connections, especially with guys who aren’t computer savy enough (or interested enough) to figure out online dating!
Chris, you have to post a photo. No one wants to receive one privately. I went through this all the time when I was on Match. Many guys had no photo and wanted to send me one via email. I did it once and it was SO awkward. He wasn’t attractive to me and I had to tell him so. It’s far better to get that out of the way up front by a glance at your profile and photo. If they don’t like the way you look, they’ll pass you by without comment–no hurt feelings. If they do like your appearance, you’ve got past a big hurdle and can move on to communication.
Most people on dating sites do not respond to any message without a photo and for very good reasons. Be brave, have a few representative snap-shots taken, and put them on there. You’ll get results!
Julie
Chris, I agree with Austin Julie about posting a photo. You need to make it as easy for men as you can to want to contact you including a great photo and a fun, flirty profile that engages him.
I found some of the paid sites were the hardest to break through because so many men on them are not paid members with writing privileges. What happens is you write and write but get no response which can be so frustrating because you don’t have a way of knowing who can and can’t write back to you.
When I was dating, I found Plenty of Fish to be a great site. I met the man I share my life with on there as well and like many men he was also on Match. Might be worth checking this free site out.
Hope this helps. Good Luck!
I used Plenty of Fish as well but I saw the same guys over and over. There’s a paid site affiliated with POF called Our Time for people over 50. I subscribed to that as well–better. In fact, the paid sites were worth it to me and brought a better selection of men. For me, Match worked best but it all depends on the city, I imagine. Austin is a small town. In fact, we had a group of women on Match, our age and general type, who got together for brunch every other Sunday and discussed our experiences and shared profiles. It was great fun and saved lots of us time and disappointment. “Don’t meet him, he’s a jerk.” We’re still friends.
Men frequently do post un-representative photos but, to be fair, so do women. I don’t get that. After all, we have to show up as we are and who wants to start off on the wrong foot having fooled someone into meeting based on an old or very flattering photo?
My experiences have been so singular (I even met a murderer–he said he was a widower, just not why until we met), that I’m writing a book about my year of internet dating. My oh my, quite a series of adventures.
Julie
I have often wondered if what helped make woman our generation prosper and blossom didn’t work against men. I see younger men who genuinely ‘get’ older women and appreciate what they bring to the table. FTR, it has very little to do with sex and everything to do with confidence and enthusiastically embracing life. The men I meet who are my age and single are single for a reason. I hate to generalize, but that’s been my experience. What’s worse is that they don’t ‘get’ women over 50 or appreciate them.
Watermusic I love what you wrote! It’s so true! Also Chris- please take a pretty picture of yourself and attach it to a positive-interesting-sincere-light profile on a “cougar” site! Then see how much fun you will have!
Thanks ladies, I appreciate the insight and advice about online dating sites. I’m working up the courage to post my photo on my profile. My city is not that big, so kinda uncomforatble to think people I know might learn I am looking for a gentleman caller ( haha).
Had my date (mentioned in my earlier post) with a guy I met in person who seemed younger than me. Yep, he was! Ten years younger, but when I told him my age he didn’t bat an eye. Very fun evening, great conversation and lots of laughs. I’m beginning to think you ladies are right about the younger guy offering something the older ones don’t!
Chris please jump off of the tracks of what relationships ase supposed to be as well as who will say what! Who cares! It’s my opinion that at this point in our lives our path is to be our own creation for the persuit of happiness! Everyone has their own style but I want to have crazy -sexy- amazing memories to think about when I’m sitting in the nursing home! Haha
Your “who cares” motto Sapphiresky is a liberating one! Sounds like you are well on your way to having plenty ”crazy-sexy-amazing memories” to look back on when you are sitting in the nursing home. Let’s just hope by then you aren’t suffering from memory loss!
I detest the term ‘cougar’ myself (it’s the new ‘c’ word for me!). Having endured a lot of online dating, my perspective is that younger men appreciate older women b/c we often don’t have as many hangups, we’re secure and confident with ourselves both emotionally and sexually, and we’re interesting and enthusiastic sexually, all of which make for a well-rounded, complex relationship. However, it really boils down to the person. I’ve dated a few younger men (what an ego trip!) but they didn’t have the emotional maturity to connect with me. Many men my age or older were out of shape and slowing down, while I’m still go-go-go. It takes a careful search and some luck to find that perfect balance of maturity and enthusiasm, someone who isn’t interested in purely arm candy and an ego trip for himself. You know the guys, the ones who post for 25-35 yo’s when they’re 45-50! Anyway, my current boyfriend is the oldest I’ve ever dated – 7 years my senior (we’re in our 50s), and I sometimes have trouble keeping up with him. He’s in great shape, youthful in appearance and personality, and has an amazing enthusiasm for life. I’ve also never had better sex, so there you go with stereotypes! As others have said, age is just a number. As long as you’re getting what you want and need and don’t compromise on the important stuff, you share the same energy/enthusiasm level for life, it doesn’t matter how old someone is.
I agree that age is a number and we have to gauge each person by his or her attitudes and all that, not pidgeon-hole people. You are young enough that a person 7 years older is still pretty attractive. At my age, someone that much older usually looks like he belongs in assisted living. Not always, of course. Your point is well taken.
I married a man nine years my junior and we have been married for 15 years. We have a great marriage, humor, affection and great sex! We have many common interest, so conversation flows easily.
The only negative I will add is that men seem to hold their age very well and many of us older ladies, not so much!
My guy is still striking and turns the heads of the younger women! This can be disconcerting for an ‘older’ woman… it is for me!
I think it is important for the younger guy to want substance in a woman and not be so much into having a hot young thing on his arm. His values have to be very different from the “skirt chasing” types.
I guess my only insights into all of this is that you may see yourself looking older than your guy and you have to be okay with that! When the waiter puts the check in front of you, assuming you are paying, (what, am I his mom?!) or the hotel clerk looks at both of you and says, “Are you together?!” Lol It can be excruciating!
We are still in love, as ever, and I am glad I didn’t run in the opposite direction!
Maybe it’s just Austin but the women look better than the men here. I don’t know if it’s make up or hair coloring or what but they seem to age better than the guys down here. My last relationship, with a man five years younger, was very comfortable and we didn’t get any strange glances or any speculation that I was anything other than his lover. In fact, I don’t think it was obvious he was younger. Still, nine years is upping the ante. Would you ever consider a face lift? It takes 10-15 years off the appearance.
I have just embarked–it’s early days yet,–on a relationship with a man 11 years younger. If it lasts, and I can’t tell yet if it will, I might go the lift route. I’ve considered it anyway–guess I’m vain but I’d like to look as young as I feel inside.
I’m glad you are happy but don’t like to hear of this discomfort you have from time to time. Hope it’s something you can remedy for your own peace of mind.
Hi AustinJulie,
When I started dating my husband, I never thought we would actually get married. He had been a friend of mine and I felt a lot like an older sister. Marriage was far, far from my mind!
I did get that face lift and for years, after we were married, we matched up fairly well! My plastic surgeon said that my “new look” would last for about ten years and that I would always look a little more youthful, even in my eighties! It has helped a lot…no more dark circles, no jowls, etc. Hey, I still turn the heads of seventy year old guys! Lol
I have aged pretty well, but my hubby is one of those guys who has aged VERY well! It’s not a huge problem, but can cause a little discomfort (for me) from time to time. It’s mostly in my own head and I keep my mouth shut about it…never saying a word to him.
I think what I was trying to add to this discussion was these differences can surface and some people may be bothered by it. I am grateful that my husband seems oblivious to any of this and loves me for who I am…a few wrinkles, so what!
having had the experience of being with a younger man for ten years, the relationship has just fell apart, there are lots of issues to dating a younger man, what if you stop him from having a family, it seems fine at he beginning but as time goes on lots of difficulties arrive, there was a large age gap between us he is 36, i am 57,