I am 54. Been married for 31 years. I really want a divorce. I really sometimes don’t want a divorce. Mostly, I want a divorce. Except for when I don’t.
We have not been intimate in over 8 years. He has told me he loves me, but is not IN love with me and that the ‘romance’ part of our marriage is over. He did have a minor heart attack 4 years ago and does have diabetes, but both of us meeting with his doctor let me know we could still function sexually. He does not want to. He will not do marriage counseling. He smokes in the house ( it is HIS HOUSE after all). I want a dog, he says no. We have a great time when we are all together as a family, but alone time with him is empty and we are usually in seperate rooms.
Some things I know: I will be poor living on my own. Will I even be able to afford a dog? I will have no health insurance, I am self employed. I may be lonely, sad, feel like a failure.
Other things I know: I want to try. Sometimes so much that it hurts. I want to possibly have sex again. I want someone to find me desirable. I also want a damned dog and no cigarette smoke.
I have been in Therapy myself since my husband refused to go. It has helped me to sort out my feelings but I am still scared stiff. I have splinters on my butt from all of this fence sitting. I am scared to go I am scared to stay and be 70 and be sorry I didn’t try. I am afraid of beginning an affair if I don’t have intimacy soon. I am afraid of never having sex again.
Any words of wisdom would be so appreciated.