I am 54. Been married for 31 years. I really want a divorce. I really sometimes don’t want a divorce. Mostly, I want a divorce. Except for when I don’t.
We have not been intimate in over 8 years. He has told me he loves me, but is not IN love with me and that the ‘romance’ part of our marriage is over. He did have a minor heart attack 4 years ago and does have diabetes, but both of us meeting with his doctor let me know we could still function sexually. He does not want to. He will not do marriage counseling. He smokes in the house ( it is HIS HOUSE after all). I want a dog, he says no. We have a great time when we are all together as a family, but alone time with him is empty and we are usually in seperate rooms.
Some things I know: I will be poor living on my own. Will I even be able to afford a dog? I will have no health insurance, I am self employed. I may be lonely, sad, feel like a failure.
Other things I know: I want to try. Sometimes so much that it hurts. I want to possibly have sex again. I want someone to find me desirable. I also want a damned dog and no cigarette smoke.
I have been in Therapy myself since my husband refused to go. It has helped me to sort out my feelings but I am still scared stiff. I have splinters on my butt from all of this fence sitting. I am scared to go I am scared to stay and be 70 and be sorry I didn’t try. I am afraid of beginning an affair if I don’t have intimacy soon. I am afraid of never having sex again.
Any words of wisdom would be so appreciated.
Vent all you want, it's healthy and the women here will listen. I suggest that when things get overwhelming, grab a bed pillow, go into the bathroom and scream into the pillow, or beat the hell out of it. That should help with the frustration a bit
Thanks for your support - supporting caregivers and those with Alzheimer's is so important!
You are in a sad situation but I will tell you things will not change and your only chances of enjoying what remains is to walk out the door and embrace whatever is ahead. Yes it is scary it is also exhilarating. Change is a wonderful thing it makes us feel truly alive.
I went through a divorce about 14 years ago. Although I am glad I took my 3 kids and left, it was not without problems. If I had to do it again I would still make the same decision. But, if some things were different as in if my ex wasn’t so violent, I would have been better off staying.
Here’s why. I have been on my own for over 14 years. Have not met someone that I really click with and will not settle for second best.
I have dated off and on but not very much. I have done the online thing and never met anyone I would want to spend time with. I tried all the sites and gave up. Don’t get me wrong, I am content on my own for the most part. And I am sure better off emotionally without my abusive ex.
My married friends say that I should be happy to be on my own. Yet they are still married so it is easy for them to say that. In raising my children I have always been one pay cheque from being homeless. My ex would not pay child support and had thousands forgiven by the courts. He has paid some now and I don’t hate him anymore. Actually we get along fine and he has apologized for the past, we have moved on.
I would have to say that I am devastated financially and have never been able to get on top of things financially. I really worry about my future.
For the most part, I have my self respect and I can do what I want. Not many married people can say that. Marriage is about compromise. Nobody smokes in my house and I now have a dog. Mine didn’t want one either.
Here is what I did though, before I left I gave 100%. I gave it 6 months and revisited the situation. I wrote out a list of pros and cons.
The list of pro’s was very short.
If you cannot be yourself, cannot get your needs met at all, then you should consider leaving. Just keep in mind that being unhappily married is not much different than being unhappily single, only you may be poorer.
Is there any good points about your husband? Try to find some. Lots of single ladies want sex and don’t get it either.
Really do a lot of thinking about it and weigh the pros and cons. What changes can you make in the relationship so you can be happy. If he won’t consider a dog and continues to smoke in the house. Those are deal breakers. He is not thinking about you here.
Take your time, the ball is in your court even if you don’t feel like it is.
There are many single women out in the world who get by just fine being single. It can be more fulfilling than an empty marriage that’s for sure. And wanting to go and not wanting to go is very normal. It is when the not wanting to stay gets more and more clearer that it is time to move on. A trial separation may be a good idea and if you decide to get back together HE would have to make some changes before you decide to come back to the marriage. Something has to give and you don’t want it to be your sanity.
Good luck!
I agree with both women, you are in a tough situation. When I was fence sitting about getting a divorce I was adviced to put it aside for 2 months and make a decison then. Once I did that the decision became clearer. There are no good answers here, just pros and cons that you have to consider. Take your time and give yourself some space.
I was also going to suggest the plus/minus list. I do that for all major decisions in my life. Writing them down helps, and then as I look at them, I start to have clarity about which of those separate items are more important to me, too. One or two usually emerge as critical to the final decision.
I do think it is hard to live with one foot in one boat (stay) and the other foot in another boat (go). Thos boats are not headed in the same direction, and you have to get into one or the other eventually.
If you are going to go, you should get a good lawyer to represent your interests – financial and otherwise. The fact that you have been doing counseling is excellent – this is not a rash impulse on your part. Nor has he made any effort to change or improve the situation, despite your efforts. Still ,there may be much more you can do, if you are intent on staying. Does he know how seriously you are considering a divorce? I’m not a fan of ultimatems – find them manipulative and worthless, if you’re just bluffing and making idle threats. However, if you are really ready to go, it might finally get him off his big fat doofus.
If you stay, I think you should expect and receive more respect from him – more accommodation of your wants and needs. The sex – you might not have so much you can do there. There are, however, many successful sexless marriages. Gosh, look at all the info that is included on this website about vibrators and such! Affairs are not the only option out there. I feel sexy and desirable after I walk through most public places, these days. Even church, where I am loved and appreciated by all kinds of people, of all ages and genders. For me, it’s about more than the sex, I guess.
I can tell you my marriage is totally not red-hot any more. My level of desire is much higher than my husband’s. But I have no problems feeling desirable and sexy, without cheating on a man I love with all my heart, and who is my best friend, ever. You do not seem to have these other priceless benefits to offset the lack of sex, though. I couldn’t settle for that. But I also wouldn’t trade all I do have for more or better sex, especially not with someone not compatible in all the ways my husband and I are.
So, on my lists of pluses and minuses, sex is not the big item it might be for others. Each person has their own priorities. For me, the dog would be a deal-breaker (we have 2, and he loves them even more than I do). I would never have dated or married a smoker, so I guess that’s a non-starter for me as well. For you, that seems to have changed, and he is unwilling or unable to.
The financial concerns are real and legitimate. I would bust my butt to have some kind of work and health benefits before I’d walk out. We’re not kids any more. But I have worked all my life – I am the major breadwinner, and he is actually on my health plan, so I guess I hold the cards in that area of life. It’s harder for me to understand being less independent financially, and it has never been a factor in our marriage. I think if I were serious about being on my own, I’d want to have a plan in place to make it out there on my own. That would be my first step. That might not be easy.
In some ways it comes down to security vs. freedom. You seem to not be in a postion to have both. So which matters more, and what can YOU do to find some balance of the two? We can give ideas, but you have to do the work, take the risks, and noone knows all your options better than you do.
Thank you all for your responses! Laura, I feel that sense of exhilaration more and more often as I plan just the possibility. I have been cleaning out my home and letting go of things which is a HUGE step for me. I was bordering on hoarding territory.
Kate you have given me much food for thought. I have fought with the sex thing in my mind constantly. I have my toys and they got me through many years. Many! I understand also that in some marriages there are health factors involved and we made vows in sickness and in health. I can’t help but feel selfish though when I know that he CAN and CHOOSES not to pursue avenues of intimacy. Maybe I will choose to be single and never meet anyone I want to sleep with. I don’t know at all. I do know that I really miss romance. My husband has so many good qualities, he is also a great dad. We have been through so much together as most in long marriages have.
Watermusic, the lists were ‘homework’ from my Therapist and she was actually helpful so much there
RamblinRedhead I used to have that relationship with my husband. Never in a million years did I see this coming. We were each others best friends and biggest fans, raised two amazing kids and then got hit by a hurricane of illness that took all four of our parents within 4 years. Long, haunting, devastating illnesses for all four. Grieving for both of us was handled entirely different. He retreated into work, I into a black cloud of depression.
We have come through it, he is still a workaholic and hates where he works. I know he feels totally out of control there so he thinks he needs to TAKE control at home. The smoking, HIS house, the dog, etc… I think I have a pretty good hand on his pathology.
By the way, the pros for leaving are so many more than staying, yet still paralyzed in place. thank you all!
I am so sorry you have had so much to deal with – more than most could cope with, and certainly a strain on even the strongest of marriages. I wish for two things for you – wisdom in this difficult decision, and success in whichever way you do choose. My gut says you are more likely to leave, and I can understand why you would, even with all the difficulties it would entail. I have to say there would be much to admire in either choice you made - either one will take strength and courage.
Please take care of yourself. This is a very painful thing, feeling torn in two as you must be. I think that limbo might just be the worst of all places to be. After reading your additional information, I don’t think I would have been able to hang in as long as you have, and it broke my heart to realize how much you have already lost. Hugs and prayers going out to you.
From what you said in the last post, I don’t think you are ready….yet.
Do give it your all 100% before you make a decision. Try to compromise with him. If you smoke outside, I will do this. Explain why you want a dog. Say you will be the one who takes care of it, walks it and stick to that. He may in time learn to love the dog and problem solved. .
Exercise is great for sex. Let him know that you could walk the dog together. It would be a great motivator and you could have some quality time together. Don’t pressure him for sex (not that you are) but if he feels you are let down in that area he may just dig his heels in.
After a time, maybe 6 months of giving it your all, it will be time to reevaluate.
At this point I would let him know how serious you are. Not an ultimatum, just honesty.
K,