I have been married 27 years and have a wonderful home that I have worked hard to build and a wonderful family – 3 grown kids. One of the things I enjoy most is having our kids visit for dinner or just an afternoon visiting. The problem – my husband shows no affection and doesn’t seem to even want to communicate with me. He hasn’t kissed me (other than on the forehead whe going out the door) in years. We haven’t had sex in years. I can’t even get him to have a meaningful conversation. I am very outgoing and goal oriented. I like to do things, plan things .. feel alive.
I am losing my sense of worth and self confidence. Others seem to really enjoy my company, think I’m pretty, intelligent, vibrant and outgoing … a catch .. but I can’t even get my husband to give me a hug.
I have discussed this with him for years but nothing seems to change. Even went to a world renowned marriage counsellor last year for a few days intensive. The change lasted a couple of weeks but here I am again .. lonlier than ever.
It is so lonely being married to someone who doesn’t hug, kiss or show any affection…who doesn’t want to have a meaningful conversation or plan things together.
Is there any hope or am I just hanging on to something that will not change and will have regrets down the road.
Is there anyone out there who has gone through something similar? What are your recommendations?
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You need a plan. The book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse. Knowledge is power. You can call the domestic violence hotline; a woman's shelter; get into counseling. 1 i
You're welcome, Linda. I agree with you. I do read novels with younger characters, but I get a little tired of the immaturity sometimes, and the issues that don't need to be issues. A mature adult is so much more interesting. And, I enjoy Elizabeth B
Sooo I am thinking that I will head to our Florida house in late October/early November .. do the drive by myself … and have time to myself.
I am thinking I need to do a little inventory of the things in our house that I want before I leave in case we decide to sell the house while I am in Florida.
I am wanting to get rid of things I no longer want .. clothes, books, etc before I leave.
I could rent a storage facility and move things before I go but if we decide to sell the house it will sell better with all our furniture in it.
Any recommendations on anything else I need to do before I head out.
My thought is that I will go. I may never come back. I have already told him I’m done. If I have my list of things in the house I want he can move the things to a storage facility or I can come back an do it myself.
Can it really be that simple???
Can I have a few success stories .. How you left a situation like mine and how tremendously well you are doing now? I need them.
Oops! I meant 35-45ish! Even the ‘old codgers drool over the young ones! Lol
Thanks Evie … great to know there’s hope. I’m happy you moved on and are happy. Good also to know it’ll take a year to catch my breath.
You’ve come to your decision, now it is just time to take care of you, your kids (there will be some hard emotions they have to go through, too and they always think it is about them), and your assets. On the latter, I would consult an attorney just so you know your rights. If your sister’s lawyer did a good job for her, call that one before he does! Untangling a lifetime is a big deal, and you don’t want to be left in a bad financial situation because you thought you could handle it between yourselves. I know four women who were worse off (one MUCH worse off) for not having hired an attorney early (your husband doesn’t even really have to know you’ve done so…just say ‘Hmmmm, I will have to think about that’ when you want to ask your attorney a question before agreeing to anything. This is particularly important when one or both of you is self-employed. Well, I wish you good luck on your journey. For what it is worth I think you made the right decision and — even though you will feel differently at times through the next year or so — the rest of your life is ahead of you and ready for some fun, affection, accomplishment, and freedom!
Thanks Mosie. That was sister-in-law’s lawyer .. and no her lawyer did a terrible job.
Oh, I just read your one of your last post!
My “leaving the ex” story!
The talking, between the two of us went on for a long time. I insisted on a rather permanent separation, instead of divorce, because I felt like I needed a “safety net” and he wasn’t sure what was going to become of us! At that time, I had no intention of marrying again! So, we separated and each bought a condo two mile apart! There were a lot of tears, some serious arguments, but we got out without killing one another!
Our two sons were married and lived far away and my support system was just a couple of girlfriends, that’s it! They both had full lives and would drop by every now and then, but I spent many lonely hours by myself! Unlike you, I was pretty much “the little wife” raising our sons, playing bridge, neighborhood ‘progressive dinners’, card parties, etc. Very sheltered!
I was faced with all kinds of new and scary experiences! Honestly, I was terrified for about six months! I did find a part time ‘fun job’ and that helped! There are so many details…it was a real roller coaster! Then, one day, we decided to make it final… a divorce!
My ex was extremely fair, a real gentleman! I felt pretty creepy, but we both knew that if we stayed together we could become enemies. We needed to explore and find another life and we did! We are good friends to this day and even go out on dinner dates…the four of us. He has never re-married, but has many, many friends (men and women).
The biggest heartache I have experienced is that the sharing of our adult children, grandchild, old friends, has been altered dramatically. He travels to L.A. and spends tons of time with our older son and his wife and often drops in on our California friends. He has continued ‘hanging out’ with all of our friends from the “olden days” and they have a ball! I’m a little jealous! lol Introducing my new hubby didn’t go over so well…that’s another story.
Hey, these days, you will have VN to get you through this! Believe me, I would have been posting daily!
Thanks Evie. I must say VN is great. I just found it when I did a search for “should I go”. I was expecting to find an article but I hit a goldmine.
Okay, another add on!
You really do need to consult with an attorney before you drive to Florida!! There are all kinds of things s/he will suggest around financial arrangements. I remember my attorney cautioning me about being the one to leave the marital home first, there can be consequences, unfair accusations, and big financial losses. You do need professional advice before this gets too hot!
Fortunately, my ex was extremely fair and my attorney was astounded. She said that most men turn ‘ugly’ and try to take it all! I was lucky. Anyway, proceed with caution!
Thanks for the advice Evie. I am hoping my husband will be like yours.
We have never had a joint account. When I bought the house in Florida and the rental properties it was always agreed that if anything should ever happen I would be taking those with me. He has a business and investments that I will not go after. The only thing joint is the house and I have spent as much on renovations as he has in mortgage payments. I’m happy to walk away with a 50/50 on the house.
I told him this morning that I plan to drive to Florida October 18. He said “we have alot to take care of before then” and I said I’m ready whenever you are and the sooner we get started the sooner we finish it. He said he’d like to talk tonight.
I guess I’ll soon know if this is going to be clean or dirty.
Anonymous: I do also recommend seeing an attorney to see your rights and possible problems that may arise if you wish a separation or divorce.
Make sure you have all your legal papers with you as well as bills, budget etc.
Birth certificate, marriage certificate, Insurances etc..Make sure you have them with you including any special items you that you treasure. I put everything in a briefcase. Your husband may become defensive and give you a difficult time depending on his state of mind.
Also be prepared to share half of what you have depending on your husbands income. The best way to deal with financial property is a mediator if that is agreeable with your spouse. Otherwise the lawyers earn a good income from your disagreements. They usually ask for money outfront to deal with your case. I found a lawyer who was very highly recommended but did not come cheap. I was guided by my lawyer throughout the divorce which took almost five years. I had next to no contact with my ex . I still continue to have no contact. In other cases exhusbands can be more cooperative.
Also do not make any major decisions for awhile until the emotional trauma has subsided. Six months to a year will allow for transition. This will vary depending on each situation and whether your the person being left or the person leaving. It is emotionally tougher on the the person being left.
I stayed in my home as the lawyer stated it could affect whether I will be able to remain in the home . In your case you have more than one home and it may work out well. What seems simple can become very complicated and very emotional. Also expect his friends and family members to distance themselves from you. This often is the way. As EVie says proceed with caution and expect the unexpected.
Anonymous: Well you are on your way toward creating a new life for yourself! Not easy, but if you are like me, your exhileration from finally making the decision far outweighs your concerns at this point about the challenges ahead.
It’s now been 10 mos since I moved out of our house and into my condo. We are just now working on the divorce. BEFORE you think about getting an attorney I want to make suggestion. Since you two are empty nesters,
your divorce settlement is simply a financial agreement the two of you make. Instead of both of you getting attorneys, and having them battle it out with each other while draining your pocketbooks, the two of you go together to see a Certified Financial Planner/Certified Divorce Financial Analyst. That’s what my husband and I are doing! Basically this guy is “the expert” divorce attorneys call in to help them with their settlements.
A top divorce attorney and close friend, strongly suggested this route. Bill, the expert we are seeing, takes all the financial information we provide him about our situation, will review it thorougly, then will give us his recommendations on what would be fair, and meet our state’s divorce laws. He charges $250/hr and his retainer is $2,500. He said he has no interest in prolonging the process as attorneys would ( his primary business is financial planning). He expects to come back with his recommendations within a week or so of receiving our financail infomation.
If my husband and I disagree with his recommendations, he can present some alternatives and provide mediation. Once we agree he produces a “blueprint” with charts etc that spells out the agreement. At that point either a para-legal or two attorneys can file for us. Bill and my divorce attorney friend have both offerred to give us the names of attorneys who aren’t litigious but who will basically review what we’ve agreed to and ensure it looks ok. We hope to save many thousands of dollars this way!
In our State, attorneys are allowed to charge as much as 7% I believe of your total assets on fees. I have heard so many horror stories of attorneys milking clients. I will let you know how it goes. I would definitely look into it yourself. I became more convinced it was the way to go when my divorce attorney friend ( who is highly respected) recommended Bill, who he has used many years as an expert.
I will let you know how it goes and hang in there!!
Thanks Chris. Great advice.
So you moved into your condo 10 months ago … how did that go?
Did you take things from the house for your condo?
Do you love the condo because there is no gardening or chores that your ex used to take care of?
How tough were the first weeks? Months?
Did you have any regret? Were you sure you did the right thing?
Do you and your husband get along? attend family things? or not yet? or that won’t happen?
Had you experienced a lack of energy before your decision? Have you noticed a change since you’ve been on your own?
Thanks Snowcloud for the great advice.
I sure hope this doesn’t take 5 years
I hope that we can part as friends, take time to grieve and move on but at the end of the day be able to still do family things perhaps with a little larger group – I’ll fight for that.
There is no good guy .. there is no bad guy .. There’s only you and me and we just disagree .. that song seems to resonate somehow.
I am hoping that being alone in Florida will help ease the change and that I’ll be better able to make decisions about next steps in the Spring .. where I’ll live etc.
You know that saying to take it one day at a time? I told people that I could only take it ONE SECOND AT A TIME…so scary after being with someone for 36 years and here it is 8 years later….I have come a long way. Terrified to be alone and take care of house, car, bills, and worst of all……the unknown.
But I did….car crash, insurance, flooded basement and so much more. We can do anything we have to. I am the poster child for the fear of being alone and hating change, but I did it.
Hugs and Love, Alicia
Thanks Alicia for the reassurance.
Has anyone going through this ever had a major impact on their energy levels?
I was always full of energy .. tackling big projects and making things happen. Over the last few years I have seen a steady decline in my energy … kinda like molasses being introduced to colder and colder temperatures.
I am seriously afraid of the toll this situation is taking on my health and feel I need to do something about this now or regret it when I end up with cancer or something.
I read an interesting article on the subject when trying to find out why I have no energy and found the following at the conclusion of the article talking about who survives cancer:
“But I noticed something else. We all live in SYSTEMS. In our marriage, in our house, in our job, etc. Many, many, many of these cancer patients made system jumps. They kicked their husband in the butt and threw him out. They quit their job, they moved, they not only moved their bed, but they moved out of their apartment, they went to other countries. Does it mean you have to do all these things. I don’t know. Quite honestly, I don’t know. But I can tell you from my experience. it’s just remarkable to what extent people changed their life before they were in a position to get well.”
Has anyone out there been in the same situation – declining energy when staying way too long in a relationship that wasn’t working – and made a major life change? Did your energy come back? Was it as gradual as it left or was it like someone turned the light switch back on?
“But
Hi Anonymous,
Energy to cancer. Well lets leave the cancer out. If you feel you do not have energy check it out medically first and see if there are some health problems.
Stress can deplete your energy as can depression. Feeling sad and unloved can make you feel depressed. As long as you focus on that feeling thats how your going to feel. Look for happy friends, happy movies, and pamper yourself like you never have. Go somewhere else other than your previous home that was shared with your partner. When you come back you will be refreshed and clear minded. Although you made that decision to leave now you have to adjust to the changes and that takes time including your body.
When people change their entire lives after separation or divorce they try to get away from their memories and have a new start. Thus their surroundings are different and they look forward to their new beginnings. No , you don’t have to go so far. But, changes of pattern, new friends, new interests will definitely perk you up. A added change in wardrobe, hair style is a rejueventaor. These are all steps to the new you . But most of all change your thinking. Once you have journalized all the old then plan for new.
Thanks Snowcloud. I am so hoping that the move and finality of the decision will put me in a new phase and my energy will return. If it does my business will be back on track and the money will flow again and I’ll be able to do anything I want. If not I’ll just have to adapt and still be happier that I am not with someone who doesn’t appreciate what he has.
As an advocate for abused women, when we are under stress, the body releases cortisol. Cortisol damages our immune system. I have never spoken with an abused woman who didnt have a LOT of health issues….once they leave…..they get better……cause and efffect. I always had a lot of energy and still do.
At 65 I am working full time and going to school…I think it is genetic; my mom is 90 and didn’t feel any older until she was in her late 70′s!! If I were you……I would get into therapy…..I did that, but in the end it was reading that helped me the most (repeating myself)
“Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself…..win.” That was the struggle I went through. I had married someone like the original abuser (mother) and tried to fix the past…albeit all unconsciously, but that is what we abused tend to do. Knowledge is power, and in the end the scariest part is no matter how much information and advice you get.
You are the one who has to make the decision. I just wanted someone ELSE to do it, LOL…Hugs
I commend you on your strength. Great example.
I felt fear at the beginning. It felt strange walking around without my partner there. I looked in the driveway as I was coming home but his vehicle was not there. The house was empty. He was no longer there to chat with me over coffee about the news he encountered daily about the people he knew.That was my most favourite time. No more weddings, showers, and gatherings at christmas or Easter. Children were living their own lives and so were much too busy to check into mine. I kept going. I worked more and worked harder. I came home exhausted and fell asleep. I didnt have time to think about being alone. Slowly I developed courage to have my own christmas parties, and Easter and Thanksgiving.
I became brave and took trips by myself. Visited the places I wanted to visit.
Life has a way of slowing us down and one day I had to look in that mirror and my face told of the changes that were happening. I can’ t go back.
I just have to make the best of what is to come. Only I can make myself happy.
I really don;’t see any correlation between cancer and making changes??!!
There are so many factors involved in getting cancer, but I have never heard it can be because of change. If you worry about what MIGHT happen, your fear will keep you from making any decision in life.
I know…I stayed for 36 years because of fear….and then…..I left.
Sorry for not making it clear. My thinking is that stress (of staying in a lousy relationship and being unhappy) can cause cancer.
The leaving and making changes could potentially save your health.
stress can cause ANY physical problem…..yes and leaving could save your sanity and physical health. Did you know that verbal abuse (alone) can physically change ones’ brain? I have slides of that, as a part of a paper I wrote.
It took years to do the damage and develop the patterns. Long relationships or short ones have loads of feelings attached to them. It will take some time to unload these feelings and develop new ones. It doesnt happen overnight.
I was abused as a child and I learned to duck for the longest time and shook all over. I moved out and started my life but I was still ducking and shaking for sometime afterwards although that abuser was no longer there. This is just a pattern that your body and mind have to adjust to. But it takes a lot of self positive talk and distractions for this pattern to go away. This is extreme but it demonstrates the baggage we carry although we are not aware of it.
Sometimes you see men or some women go into another relationship just to get rid of the pain and bring new intimate feelings back. Often these relationships do not last but it did the job of removing the old pain and eased into a new life.
When we get involved in planning and projects we have a need. It could be for love and connection. It could be to feel important. It could be to contribute.
However when the need changes so does our energy. As you can see change is needed in our lives . When we get bored or lose our purpose for what we do then we no longer have that energy. Yup, just an added thought.
Cancer is everywhere especially as we get older. Those cells just start changing like the million moles on my body. ( exaggerating a little) However if we continue to sleep well, exercise, eat well, have a good mind, share , have some spiritualism and beliefs, good friends,laugh a lot, that will carry us through. We could discuss all these details about chemical changes that occur in our bodies and make us ill. But back to basics. Cancer, just the word, itself can make a person extremely anxious. Guess what, that anxiousness just helps it grow. Its a dread. Some people become really preoccupied with it. It affects all ages. Take the anxiety out of your life, check with your doctor. Remove that anxiety and get on with your life.
Gee sounds too simple doesn’t it?
Snowcloud: Like you I was abused as a child (also never knew my father, poverty…no phone, car, refrigerator, bathtub or shower, snow which came in thru a crack in the wall). My mother was verbally and physically abusive and we never knew when she would explode…….yes, that hypervigilance…what you talked about…….whenever I hear voices raised…..I freeze…..not so much anymore, but I become in a heightened awareness stage.
We are ALL dying…..what do we want to do in between!!?? Do it. LIVE.
Hi Snowcloud. I tried to reply to the post about you coming home to an empty house and missing the conversation but there wasn’t a spot to do that so I am responding here.
I don’t have that conversation now just the heartache of not having the communication I want. I like your thoughts about getting out and doing things eventually.
kinda reminded me of a song that I am hoping I’ll feel like – I will try to provide the link here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODHCwsJkElo
At least I still have some of my sense of humor left
I have often said that without my faith and wicked wit and sense of humor, I would be drooling in a corner! I like you never had that communication, etc., I lived with someone….alone……and when he did speak, it was verbal abuse. Yes, lick yur wounds for awhile, go into a little cocoon to begin to heal, and then when ready, stick your toe in the water…baby steps and do one thing you enjoy….one day you will turn around and see all of the things you have accomplished.
Thanks Alicia .. that’s the plan .. one day at a time.
Hugs and Love!
Big Update
Anyway we soaked away for an hour talking about next steps.
Last night my husband and I went for a row on the lake and had a great chat. He feels that we have given our best effort and it’s just not working and that we should separate. We had a chat about telling the kids – we both feel they won’t be surprised because of us going to Dr. Gottman last year and they see us regularly. We chatted about splitting things. That went as I had hoped – I take my rental units and the house in Florida, he keeps his business and his investment, we talk about the house, furnishings, boat, etc. He wants to stay friends and has the same vision I have of being the poster kids for divorced couples – attending family events, etc. That was a great relief.
He said he was sorry for the pain he has caused and that I did nothing wrong.
He is still going to see the therapist to try to figure why as this is important for his future.
When we came back and were sitting in the living room I asked if he wanted to have a hot tub – beautiful night, moon on the lake, lapping waves – I wanted to make use of the lake while we still have it. I also thought it would provide an opportunity to have more conversation. He didn’t want to do the hot tub but said he’d like to share my bubble bath – go figure
This was a wonderful experience and I felt closer to hi than I have in ages.
I really do think he’ll be one of my closest friends – it’s a shame he can’t show me affection and be the partner I crave who plans and does things with me.
Today I developed a list of the assets as a start to our final agreement.
I feel sad but I am also feeling like I am making some progress. I also seem to have a little tiny bit more energy today.
Thanks for being there
Wow! I’m glad all well with your hubby! I hope it continues to go so smoothly!
In one of your posts,you ‘jokingly’ said, “Maybe he’s gay?”. I have reasons for mentioning this, which I won’t go into, right now, but so much of what you have written has made me think this is possible.
Gay men, and I know a few, have tremendous confusion/guilt when they are in a heterosexual relationship. They are often stifled, sexually, and shut down in so many other ways…especially the men of our generation.
I know it’s a ‘moot point’, but it may explain a lot of your husband’s cold distancing. This is the pattern they follow. Many of your questions would be answered, no doubt about it!
If, by chance, your husband is gay, he will have a lot of guilt and not give you any problems.
A book that might give you some insight…food for thought:
“The Straight-Up Truth About the Down-Low: Women Share Their Stories of Betrayal, Pain and Survival”
One customer reviewer wrote” – “The book made me cry for the women who struggled to make a marriage work not knowing that their marriage was doomed from the start because we as women were the wrong gender. What these men want is the appearance of being straight so they can fit into main-stream society.”
If you think I am totally ‘off the mark’, that’s okay, but this happens more times than we can all imagine!
Anyway, congrats on your successes the other night!
Hmmmm … How would one figure out if their partner were gay? Are there many men who are gay that stay in a marriage 27 years? Are there men that have no physical attraction to a female but don’t realize they are gay?
… just kidding … my sense of humor.
He must be gay to not be attracted to me
I have asked him this question several times but I always get the response – I am definitely not gay.
Anyone out there have any experiences or thoughts on how to really tell?
Years ago gay men married because society held such disdain for homosexuals. Basically, they hid in marriages.
I know of one man who stayed for thirty five years, had several adult children before coming out. Apparently his wife was hurt, very bitter, and oh so filled with revenge!. It has taken years for him to get back into having a relationship with his children. This story is not all that uncommon, especially, back in the days when we were married. Things have changed a lot, these days, and thousands of gays have the freedom to choose same-sex partners.
In conversations I have had with these men, they say they were in extreme denial. They knew, deep down, that there was something seriously wrong, but didn’t want to investigate, too embarrassed to investigate. Instead they leave their poor heterosexual wives frustrated, angry, and bewildered! Sound familiar?
As crazy as this may sound, it’s something to consider. This doesn’t mean that your husband has acted on these feelings. This is deeply humiliating to a man and they will not ‘come out’ without lots of support!
Hi anonymous, I keep forgetting to mention that my husband and I went out to Orcas Is. for a couple’s week end with the Gottman’s in August. It was an interesting and fun time. Orcas Is. is so beautiful!
Hi Anonymous:
I walked out of my marriage when I was 45 yrs old with a three year old after abt 27 yrs of marriage. By the time it was over, I would have been married 33 yrs.
Please see an attorney. If you go to Florida, it could be said you are abandoning the marriage and that is not good in some states.
Also, many times we as women feel compelled to act. It can be different and I am sorry I did not do it different.
It can be a mutual agreement to separate legally or informally. If the need arises to get a divorce later, that can always be done.
If there are no other partners involved, then the kids know you are separated and it is not as uncomfortable when at family functions, you remain speaking friends and civil to each other and all.
You have invested many years building what you have and men react differently to stress than women do.
The stress will steal all your energy for quite some time.
There are always more than two answers to any question.
My thoughts are with you. But please see an attorney before you decide anything.
Best of luck.
Thanks Gold Bangles … good advice .. better to be safe than sorry.
You may not realize this for awhile, but you will find one day that you are about to be set free. For me, there were no assets to concern myself with, for a myriad of reasons. After 33 years of a difficult marriage, and approaching 60 years of age, I had moved to the stage of simply trying to survive, literally, and doing that in a dark, lonely place. My ex was a strong personality, and for some reason I did not ask for help, and I cut myself off from friends and family. I honestly thought I was dying.
Then a friend from my past reached out, someone I had not heard from in 30 years, someone who gave me the space to be myself, to talk things through, and while he didn’t offer advice, he did coach me – to take care of me. My children were grown and didn’t live with me any longer, but they were close by and reasonably supportive when they learned I had requested a divorce. Interestingly, my family who lives in another state, was supportive as well, and to my surprise, nearly cheered at the news. I was a bit taken aback at how wonderful and loving people can be once I opened up and gave them a chance.
I decided to become the healthiest I had ever been when I turned 60, and spent the year exercising, eating clean, and making a couple of new girl friends. I lost 60 plus pounds and kept it off, literally blossomed in my job which I love now, and have realized that this part of my life is without question, the best time of my life.
I loved raising my children, but this is a time for me, and I have learned to cherish it, as I have learned to cherish me. I know that people are rightfully concerned about money and belongings, and honestly, I would have preferred to have that problem, but as it is, I think I can experience freedom in a way that I wouldn’t have been able to if I had a retirement, or a house. I don’t need to store it, sell it, or worry about it, and life is pretty simple. I have new interests, and do what I want when I want.
While the direction of my life is uncertain at this point, I don’t believe I have ever felt as free, or as happy and content as I feel right now. This process has opened up my life to new opportunities, and meaningful relationships – although I am not dating men yet. I think I’m one of the lucky ones, able to escape a difficult past with the belief that with my options are wide open, how exhilarating…
My friend told me,”you will take a step forward and two steps back, and then pretty soon you will take three steps forward and one step back.” ”After a couple of years, you will look back and realize that it was the best journey of your life.” Be patient with yourself, and forgiving. There will be times that you feel short-sheeted, like the rug has been pulled out from under you, but take solace in the knowledge that there is a wonderful life filled with sunshine and love in front of you.
Borderbelle
Thank you for that inspiring post. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes reading it.
You have been on a journey and you are so kind to share that with the rest of us.
I have copied it and pasted it into my email so I can read it everyday when I am struggling.
Take care and best wishes.
You sound so free!
Thank you for responding. Now I am misty. Struggling means that you are transforming, just understand that, be patient, it does take time, you will see.
Thanks Borderbelle. I have to agree with Gold Bangles that your response is very inspirational. I, too, will copy it to my email for easy and often future reference.
I love this forum
Update – my husband and I had a great chat about dividing the assets. I think we’re on the same page and everything will be fair and equitable. I do hope we will be the poster children for divorced couples. We are talking about having the family spend Christmas together and looking at the details.
He is seeing a therapist today – hope that works out for him.
Now I have to get busy, get my business back on track, get my energy back and get this show on the road.
Too soon to say but I think I may, day by day, be getting a little more energy back.
Such good news anonymous! I think we can all breath a sigh of relief! There may be bumps in the road, but the very fact that your husband is cooperating is fantastic! Yay!
Still, “caution” is the word, don’t forget, there may be times when ‘stuff’ will rise up. Your husband may have feelings around regret, fear, and just why does she have to do this to me, kinds of things. When he is finally alone, he could feel more anger. Keep your eye on the emotional arena.
Anyway, this is great and we all wish you great success in getting your life in order! Let us know how you re doing from time to time!
I love this forum, as well!
Hi,
How much I appreciate I found VN!So much stuff to ponder!
This blog is one of it.I am glad to know that I am not alone in this big world to struggle with this question:should i stay?or should I leave?My marriage story from the very beginning is all pretense and lies :arranged by my sister who was his mistress the time of our wedding,non admitted adultery here and there in every expatriation country .We built a family on lies.Now as all the kids have grown up, the last one is a living with us,a teenager,when an attempt of drawing a plan for retirement is considered, he will brush it off.
Too much water have gone under the bridge,I love the home we built despite the hurts and painful memories.The kids are still nostalgic,they knew all situations and even pushed me to go out but I couldnt.
Now I live very lonely but still attached.I dont know what to do.He displayed his love still,talked to me about his job, himself but barely tries to straighten or enter a construtive dialogue.He can solve someone’s problems but not ours!So I keep quiet which kills me because I am a people person,not like him.We are like two faience dogs on the piano,staring at each other.I guess my young boy is still our cement but I am concerned he saw so much of our ugly way of living,that might disturbe his young life.Should I leave a loveless home or should I stay for my young boy?
No child should ever be used as “cement.” How old is he? I don’t think you are staying for your boy, but for yourself (I know, I was there). The way you are living is changing his life every day.
Your husband has left you, but is still there physically. You say that you don’t know what to do. Are you in therapy? If not, I would RUN to a therapist, to help you figure out your entangled feelings, etc.