My husband just left after 28 years of marriage claiming that there was always “something missing” for him. Its been a month and I’m doing “okay”, but when do the tears stop? I have tremendous support, but the loss of our contact and friendship feels like my arm has been cut off. We only text or email. My kids are grown. The whole thing is scary. Suggestions? Do I use my anger to box up all his things, or make him do all the work?
0 like
Permalink: http://www.vibrantnation.com/family-relationships/separation-3/
Oil of Olay moisturizer. I have had dry skin since I was in my 20's. Now that I am in my 60's.....Oy! I have always used some type of Oil of Olay moisturizer. I am now using the Age Defying creams, and like them alot. Oh, and Chap Stick under
ReginaLove, that is SO great to hear! As for soy, it may help with menopause symptoms -- it it controversial. The best way to use soy is in the form of whole fermented soy foods (miso, tempeh, tamari and natto). Non-fermented soy foods such as soy mi
Agreed. I never thought I was vain until I had a mastectomy at age 39. I was devastated and told the doc I wanted to wake up with implants. Now at age 60, I am lopsided and wondering if I was just avoiding the inevitable. You get what you get and you
Sounds very interesting.
i think the crying is different for everyone and is especially hard for the “left” partner. I did it backwards. I cried at 10 months for about a month. Packing up his stuff.. do what’s best for you. It is certainly his job, but in my case i knew it would never get done so I boxed it up and sent 2 car loads with my son and his friend to my X’s aprtment. It felt great to get his stuff out of here. then 2 months later my x wanted one of the file cabinets and i filled that one with papers i didnt need. Months and months later he was asking me to find X paper. It was great reminding him that he had ti, I had sent it in his file cabinet. i know i have anotherload to get through, the stuff in the attic. it’s not bothering me and I dont want to put out the effort…so I don
I’m so sorry. I just went thought it last year, we were together 30yrs. My divorce was terrible. Everyday will bring a different challenge. This will let you go inward, and really get in touch with a part of yourself you never knew. Try not to do much to quick. I rented for a year, & now have a home I can purchase if I choose. Kinda like a try it before you buy it type deal. I’m not sure where I want to live. It’s a different world being a single lady vs a married one. I’m still coping. You are so fortunate to have folks to help you through this. Lean on them as much as you can. If he is decent about getting his things let him do it , just leave while he is there. If he is a jerk, you do it, as to protect your property from damage or him taking something that’s yours. Its a tough call. the tears hasn’t stopped yet for me, I find “it” hits me at different times, but I just go with it & cry. Its less & less now, but still happens. I’m mourning over what was promised & how my life was changed. I’m angry with how my life was damaged needlessly by his selfishness. Most of all I’m angry with myself, for not doing something about it sooner. Life is change & this is one of the big ones, you will be okay. Lean on your friends & family. Put yourself first, you deserve only the best.
thanks clarity. I find the toughest moments when I consider what my expectations were, the “grow old together” notion, the “travel the world together in retirement, etc”. I do let myself cry. I also have learned to pray like never before.
Oh, dear sweet lady, I’m so sorry. If the pain that so many of us have felt due to this exact situation could be erased, I think that the world would be 10,000% lighter. You will have to take my word for it, but the tears are great. They are helping you to get where you need to go. If you were bottling it all up, it’d take much longer to heal. The very worst is probably not over, but you can and will get through it, and everyone here will help. First, get your financial ducks in a row. Second, get a good divorce attorney. Do both as soon as you possibly can.
Your attorney (and I) will advise you to stop texting, emailing, and otherwise communicating with him, which is wise. You don’t want to know what this guy is up to, but the bottom line is, 99.9% of the time, he has found someone else. The more available and kind and understanding and needy you are, the more he gets to have his cake and eat it too. So be done. Be over it. If you can afford to hire help, get someone to come in and help you clear out his stuff & have it trucked to him. Make it as impersonal and clinical as you can. He is taking care of himself; you need to do the same.
Watch your diet. Eat well, exercise, go to church (if you belong), find a counselor who specializes in divorce therapy, get out of the house, be good to yourself, and know that you deserve better than what has happened here.
We all did.
Well said KG….also perhaps find a DivorceCare recovery group…..it is for both separated and divorced people….a great teaching and support group…you can find locations by going to http://www.churchinitiative.com and click on the DivorceCare icon….this is non-denominational and nationwide, should be one in your area….I have facilitated groups for 8 years…..very beneficial and a place where people understand what you are going through….keep posting here too…
There is another conversation going on about this same issue. Here are my thoughts. But to you my love I want to say, dry your eyes darling. Don’t give this man the satisfaction. If he left you so be it, his lost. I know it hurts in the beginning but these are tears you are wasting. I did it and I know how you feel. But darling get tough, I had a yard sale with his stuff and I threw the rest in the trash. Done deal.
Alma said to CurlyGirl
There is a statement that is popular to us these days and it is “been there, done that”. I have the scars from it. Moving on was hard at first. He kept coming by and wanting to sleep with me. I mean come on, he had made his choice, he has his bimbo so that should have been enough for him. Finally I made up my mind that the only way I could put an end to this was to put miles between us. I moved thousands of miles away. I am not saying this is what you need to do but it helped me to get delivered from his curse. By doing this I was able to work on my healing because I did not want him or her to think that I had any feelings left for him.
After being gone for so many years I was able to come back home and face the devil. Lord I looked so cute. As a matter of fact I was more beautiful than I was when I was with him. They both look like big fat pigs now and I have heard that both have been very sick and both have had to have surgeries from their hearts to whatever else. I have never been sick a day in my life.
Now you move on and if you see him don’t tell him any sad stories about how bad your life has been. Let it all be good news even if you have to make it up. A friend told me when I was going through this drama that I don’t care if your stomach is having to eat your ribs for lunch, don’t tell him. That is what he will want to hear. Oh I am having it rough, this is happening, this and that is wrong. Don’t do it. Smile even though your heart could be aching and tell yourself, this too shall pass and it will. I am so happy I am not with this thing I don’t know what to do. I have gone places, done things, and met people that I would not have if I had stayed with him. And I just might be like her, unhealthy.
Don’t expect to meet Mr. Wonderful right away now that the other is gone because the world of dating is quite different than what it used to be. Just focus on you and do what you like, do what you want and think about it, the one thing I hate the most is having to clean the commode after a man.
I am going to give a different perspective. I was the one that dumped him. Grant you, he is a verball abusive addict…hmmm…wonder why I dumped such a catch???LOL…anyway, even though I warned him multiple times i was going to leave if he didnt get his life together, he still feels like I took away all his dreams of a life together, retirement, family..the whole 9 yards. He has even convinced himself I finally left because I was having an affair… LOL it’s been a year and I still havent had a chance to enjoy that fictional affair. LOL…. anyway, he wont let go, he needs to. I need him to. He would be happier if he actually could. I have come to the realization he wont unless I put my foot down and become really distant and mean, even then it may not work. If he had just let go of me, we probably could have had a civil relationshp. but he is too entangled in it…so we cant. I have a friend who told his X that he needed to not have any contact with her for 6 months so he could heal. At the end of six months they started talking again and 7 years later she is re-married and they are the best of friends…I dont know if any of this will give you different kind of perspective…good luck
My husband decided 3 yrs ago that his best friend’s wife and her horses were so much more ‘him’ that our 22-yr marriage & 4 kids became excess baggage. Yeah, I got the something’s missing talk too. But the minute I mentioned couple’s therapy, it became very clear that he had already found his own ‘therapy’!
By all means, if it’s cathartic to you, pack up his stuff. I had to pack my ex’s. It’s 3 yrs later and most of his stuff is still in our (unsold) family home! It’s harder to have it around when you have to look at it every day. But don’t force yourself to do something you’re not ready for. The moment will come when you least expect it & and you’ll know… that’s it, that (picture, book, chair, etc) is outta here!! Until you’re ready to really get rid of it (tossing it is just simply so liberating sometimes!) just pack it in a box & put the box where you don’t have to see it every day. If you can dump it on him, by all means do so!
Remember that this presents a time for new beginnings for you. Take the time, when you’re able, to start remembering what you like to do, what your dreams are. Have you dreamt of painting your kitchen red but he would have none of it? Have you always wanted to drive down the coast with a girlfriend for a few days? What about that watercolor class, or checking out what it takes to get a permit to drive a motorcycle, or going back to school?
By all means, get yourself good legal advice & financial advice. Use separate sources here. My finance guy gave me advice that my lawyer wasn’t up to date on. Be very careful what you agree to; the courts will often uphold a verbal agreement made without the presence of lawyers. And it’s your word against his. It’s amazing how little we know about our ex-spouses until it comes time to separate community property… truly amazing!
Yes, sweetheart, the crying will stop but it will take some time. Allow yourself the healing luxury of letting the tears flow when they need to. Use your support but be careful not to abuse them (I made that mistake; they backed away from me after a while but I’m blessed that they came back when I didn’t suck so much of their energy anymore). Talking to a professional can help in that area & it’s often covered by insurance, sometimes even his (if he has it)! My cousin also gave me some great advice in this area: being a doctor, she couldn’t break down all over the place, so she gave herself one half hour per day to let it all out – rant, rave, scream, rage, swear, whatever. When she found herself thinking about things during the day, she would tell herself, not now – save it for later. It really works!! And one of the benefits we eventually notice is that when you’re not allowing this feelings to invade your whole life, you end up feeling so much better that you don’t even want to spoil it by raging and ranting for a half hour. I found myself going for days sometimes before needing to open the pressure valve again!
Walk, go to the gym, meditate, pray, count what’s good in your life despite what’s not, try to have some fun; take things one day at a time and when necessary one hour or even 5 minutes at a time. It will get better!
Such wise advice, Northern. It’s wonderful when women who have “been there” help others, as you’re doing now.
I endured 31 years of verbal and physical abuse (36 in all)…..even after 5 years alone, I am still grieving for what I never had. There is no time frame for feelings, grieving, loss. Be gentle to and with yourself…talk, write, see a therapist, do things that make you feel better. Everyone says it will get better. I assume that is true, but we cannot rush it. Feelings aren’t right or wrong….they just are. I am sorry……we are all sisters.
Love, Alicia
Recommende movie to watch when the man leaves, you should watch that movie Waiting to Exhale. Don’t set anything of value on fire as in the movie but have a yard sale with it. I had so much fun selling my ex’s stuff and the real fun came when I went shopping for myself with the money. That is such an awsome feeling.
Oh let me share this one with you. Dude and I break up, the dryer stops working, I am flipping it out of the house trying to get it out for trash day and these two guys come along to help me. I say to them as I am wiping my hands, thanks a lot it is my ex’s dryer and just like his stuff stopped working so did the dryer. You should have seen the looks on their faces, priceless. But man I tell you I got out so much frustration pushing that darn thing. Don’t sit around and beat yourself up ladies when they are gone. Put the stuff in the trash where trash belongs and I mean that literally. Don’t give them the benefit of the doubt and tell them that their actions hurt you because then they win. I know we desire to have the perfect marriage relationship but when the person decides the grass is greener on the other side, hell give him all the tools he will need to take care of the lawn. Smile! And the biggest mistakes we make is letting them come back. DON’T DO IT! That is just more garbage you will have to take out on trash day. The bags get heavier and the garbage smells worse, if you know what I mean. Love yourself, and as suggested by others involve yourself with activities you have longed to do. You will find the peace you deserve, I did.
Good morning April, Sounds like you are getting some really good advice. As soon as you can, get out & do some of the things you have always wanted to do but didn’t due to your ties. Travel, yes alone or with a friend, even to the neighbouring town or one days drive resort. Swim, walk, run, bike, take a class, just do stuff. Even if you cry while you’re doing it, get active. I swim 5 days a week, sometimes 6. When I cry, the water is my cover! It seems to me that friends and aunties who have gone through the separation trauma have done best when they get active. 9 times out of 10, the guy ends up being more attracted to the new, active “x” and begging to come back. But don’t do it for him, do it for YOU. I hope you have funds to treat yourself really well: bubble baths really do feel great! See your doctor & request an anti-depressant. I recommend Celexa or one that relies on raising your seratonin level. Then give yourself time. You will get through it and you may even find that your new active life is a happier one. Feel it all, don’t stifle, and spend time with people you like & who like you. All the best, Jane
Thanks for this Jane. And thanks to all the lovely messages from all of you. I am and have been doing a lot of hte above. I have a trainer that I have been working out with for several years. I even do do trades with her for voice lessons for her daughter(that’s my profession). I gave myself a new haircut yesterday. Not sure I love it yet, but it’s a change. I have bought new linens for the bed, put aside things for his new apartment, because I don’t want him spending some of “my money” and why should he have all new items even if they come from Target. Crying a bit less, and getting “busy” even if it means going to a movie with a couple. And since I haven’t been away in a long while, I am off to the beach for the weekend with my sister-in-law. I love all my sisters here and you have been real angels.
Hurrah for you! I’m so proud of you. Enjoy your new life. It might even lead to a better one.