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60 yr old widow marrying widower and his daughter (only child) unaccepting.
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I got before and after pics copied and pasted in the reply box and tried to post, but the only things that shows up is the text I typed, not the photos.Thanks May & Janice for all your helpful comments. I really appreciate them.
May - for the longest time, I said to myself that I will never want any plastic surgery done and that I will accept my body for what it is. Like many typical wome
My before pic.
I got my after pic copied here. this is at about a month after surgery. Still a little swelling to lose, but getting better every day. I will try to post my before pic, too.
I now have some before and after pics I'd like to post for you but can't seem to figure out how to post them side by side. May be having a blonde moment. Can you tell me how to do that?
Before you take the plunge make very very sure where your husband to be stands on the subject! If his daughter is still his darling little girl who can do no wrong, there will be trouble!
After you marry, don’t ever come between them, “zip your lip”, allow them time together without you and show no resentment. In time, who knows, she might come to tolerate you
I agree with AZ. It’s difficult to have, I assume, an adult child against her father’s remarriage. In fact, I find it downright selfish of her. I believe though, in time, she will accept you because she sees that her father is happy. ♥
Aznikki’s advice is stellar. My step daughter (now 28, about 22/23 when we married) isn’t all that supportive. When we married she had been the apple of daddys eye….he knew she was a tad spoiled and self centered but he thought she would grow out of it. She hasn’t, and she isn’t so much daddy’s darling anymore. I’m sad their relationship has distanced though, but it really did not so much over me and his re marriage, as much as him treating her as an adult and expecting her to actually be one.
Aznikki nailed it.
Agree, allow them time alone. Most only children are used to having lots of attention from both parents. She may view you as a threat for his showering attention. Encourage him to lunch/visit her alone sometimes. Be nice to her children.
Also make sure legal stuff is in order. Such as home ownership, insurance policies, etc.. Unselfishly, make sure he has planned to leave her, her due.
I am suggesting this b/c I have beome aware of females who marry men in their 50′s and 60′s who subsequently become ill. The 2nd wife of courses duitfully nurses him. However, he passes away… is only then she learns he never got around to placing whatever he had promised in her name.
So deed to the property, life insurance policy? All in former wife or daughter’s name. 1st wfie and / or daugher show up, all too happy to toss widow out
and claim same.
Better yet instead of just relying on his word…take out out your own insurance policy so you know you are protected….
Foremost, suggest you seek formal counseling as to how to best handle this as children are one of the major reasons 2nd marriages fail.
congratulations on your upcoming marriage!
Deaer Lulu:
Others here are given good, concrete advice. You really do need to get your local ducks in a row.
The only thing I would add is: Be patient. This is an only child. She also may still be grieving her mother’s death in ways that she doesn’t really understand. I will tell you from personal experience that when you a lose a parent, and then the surviving parent takes up with another companion or enters into a marriage, it feels very strange for awhile even if there has been an appropriate mourning time and the match is a good one.
I found this when my 78-year-old mother ended up with an 81-year-old ”boyfriend” after my father’s death. I was nice to him, as was my brother, and he is a good man who makes my mom happy. But it felt strange for about a year. Then we all got over it and now it feels perfectly normal. He is part of our family, included in our holidays. They both had long, good marriages before losing their spouses. It’s nice to see them happy.
Oops, I meant to say get your “LEGAL” ducks in a row, not local! Sorry.
Oh, and one other thing: Blessings on your pending marriage. I wish you much happiness.
Thanks to all of you who have posted a response. I have tried for a year and a half to be understanding and am very aware of the grieving process having been there myself, not only 13 years ago with my spouse, but also as a 19 year old when my own father passed away. My mother remarried 2 years later to a man 13 years her senior. It was very hard for my siblings & I, but we realized it was in our mom’s best interest, and accepted it. I never remember any of us causing problems and we were very happy for the both of them and they remained married for 20 years until my step-father passed away.
My fiance’s daughter is almost 40, married with 2 lovely children. The world has always revolved around her, and she makes sure it still does. She is more concerned with her father’s money then she is about his happiness. She shows no respect to him, and especially none to me. She has called me a ‘gold digger’ (which I am certainly not), and other not so nice names. I raised my 4 children on my own, by myself, helped them through college, and now that the last one has graduated and is on his own, I thought I could finally begin to see the light. I never dated once in the last 13 years……never had time! Two years ago I offered my condolences to my soon to be husband, and helped him through his grief. It was a slow process but we soon found out we had much in common and began to have fun together, something neither of us had had in a very long time.
I only want everyone to be happy, but I realize it may never happen. One thing I am certain of is that I will not let her destroy our happiness. He also realizes that he has to stop trying to make everything o.k. for everyone and approach things on an adult level with her. We are getting married in one month and still do not know if she will be at the wedding. It’s just so sad.
I agree that the legal aspect must be dealt with and it has been. I don’t want anything that belongs to his daughter or her children, but then again, I refuse to live in poverty so that she can continue to be treated like royalty. When you get to my age, and his, it’s about time to enjoy your life. And it is wonderful to have someone to experience that joy with.
On a side note, all 4 of my children are very happy for us, and will all take part in the wedding. They enjoy being with my fiance and welcomed him with open arms from the start. All of my family and friends are overjoyed that I have finally found someone to spend the rest of my life with. It’s just such a shame that our joy has been overshadowed by his daughter’s animosity and hatred of me. I believe she had some unfinished business with her mother and it now cannot be resolved. We have tried to get her to see a therapist, but she refuses since she doesn’t think the problem is her. She has told her dad that we should ‘just live together’ because then, of course, there would be no chance that anything would be left to me. I’m the saddest for my fiance to think that his own daughter, who he has always supported in every way, would treat him with such disrespect. And also, that he would allow it.
We do plan to go ahead with the wedding. I refuse to let this, too, be all about her.
It appears that you and your fiance do have all your ducks in a row and I’m so glad that everyone else is happy for you both. It does sound as though this daughter is very selfish but that your soon-to-be husband is well aware of it. She will either remain a petulant child or she’ll grow up. That’s up to her. What’s up to you is to be happy regardless of her behavior. Aznikki’s advice still applies.
Congratulations and I wish you all the happiness you deserve. ♥
If your future daughter in law is nearly 40 it is highly unlikely she will suddenly start acting like a reasonable grown up. I know that must be very hard for your fiance.
I hope you have a wonderful wedding and a wonderful life together. Maybe when the daughter realizes that she is missing out on being a part of a big happy family she will come around. But I would make sure that she always gives you the respect you deserve if she wants to be included. You should never settle for anything less.
Just to bring everyone up to date, we married last month. It was a beautiful wedding, with the church packed, and an even lovelier reception. We had so much fun, as did everyone. Before the wedding, we were wondering why we were doing this because it had become so stressful with the planning and the daughter. Three weeks before the wedding, she decided she would come & also allow the granddaughter to be the flower girl. We were elated! She participated and all seemed good. Alas, the calm before the storm. While we were on our honeymoon, she cleared out the house of china, some furniture, etc. Just goes to show you that you can’t even trust your daughter. We have been seeing a therapist for direction. We refuse to let her destroy the love that we have found. The story continues.
Wow, cleared out the china huh? On one hand I must say I do understand as she may see it as a connection to her mom; (they once enjoyed family dinners using it, mom chose the pattern,etc) on the other hand, she should have asked dad for it.
Needless to say, the locks must be changed immediately.
You haven’t stated but did you move into your new husbands home, or you into his?
If so, allow me to share some of a old sage’s advice, none other than Ann Landers. She often stated that if a newly married couple can afford it, they should forgo one or the other moving into either of the other’s house. Why? b/c it will always seem like that individual’s home. “I have always placed the plants just so, I like them like that” without knowing it there can be resistance to enveloping the newly married spouse into ones liar.
This is not the best time of course to sell property, but it may be something you want to consider ASAP. If you two move into a new place together, dil will not be able to stir up any memories of mom in that dwelling. Foremost ,you two will be able to begin to create a leagacy of just you two in a place that is brand new to both.
I think counseling is a wise choice.
Congratulations once again.
Thanks for your insightful advice. Yes, both our homes are now for sale and we have been diligently looking for another, but in the meantime, we have to live somewhere and it just happens to be in his home. DIL never lived in that home, only her dad & mom. Most recently she told dad she wanted to buy his home but he made the intelligent decision not to cave and put it on the market. He expected she wanted him to practically ‘give’ it to her, as he has so many times done in the past. This made her so mad that she locked the doors so that the real estate agents couldn’t even get in to show the home! All this while we were away, on our honeymoon. Yesterday we changed the codes on the security system, and when he tells her today, I’m sure there will be fireworks!