Still in process of divorce after 18 months. Three attorneys later and two restraining orders, second one resulted in two year clets order still not divorced . After 27 years being wife, mother, in-laws caregiver, cheerleader and support person for selfish, competitive spouse, how do I find me?
I can’t seem to discover answer to Who am I and what do I want to do with the rest of my life. I am 59, still working, exercise, but no answers. I am losing my home and don’t know how to decide where to live or what.
Brain is just not functioning and I am afraid to make a decision. Can anyone help me with questions to ask myself and too take into consideration when trying to determine the what the best for me is. I have two adult children living with me. Thanks
I was widowed aftr 30 years. I finally had to take on the mantra: Make the decision, then make the decision work. I compromised in my 30-year relationship with my husband, so I can compromise in my new relationship with myself. The good thing is that I can more easily change the results of my decision doing it by myself. Wrong living situation? You can make a plan to change it. Wrong job choice? Ditto.
All the red tape — for you the divorce, for me the “widow work” — is so exhausting. I am learning that I need to make one decision a day and then pat myself on the back for having done it. Yesterday, I called and got my credit limit increased. I don’t plan on charging it up, but I wanted to have it in case I needed it. I am amazed I didn’t think to do it six months ago, but I did it and I congratulated myself for doing it. It was actually pretty easy. Even if they said ‘no’, I’d at least have tried.
It is tiring and mind-numbing. I am using math flashcards to help with my stress-related short-term memory and focus issues. I am making myself sit and read for 30 minutes a day. I need to practice the focus.In spite of Tom Cruise’s claims, exercise and diet aren’t enough. I see a therapist and get acupuncture for focus and energy. I really need the help and it does work for me.
Don’t work too hard on trying to figure out who you are. You actually know yourself. You are just going through a change in that relationship you have with yourself. Nothing will jump out and make itself clear. You just have to take one step at a time.
I wish you well on your journey.
I think the best thing you could do for yourself is to find a good therapist. I got a divorce after 31 years of abuse–now alone for 8 years…….I was terrified beyond belief.
I have managed to manage: a car accident/crash, flooded basement, flooded basement, other unexpected bills and many other nightmares. Get all of the help you can from different resources, but I would start with a therapist.
Hugs! Alice
P.s. I am also a Freshman in college at 65
Wow! Very inspiring. Hadn’t thought about going back to school. I am going to look into that. Thanks for your suggestions.
I’m sorry you have had such a troubled relationship and have decided to make it on your own. You were married a long time and learning all that you have to in order to find your self again is a process that takes time. It would help if you could find some compassion for yourself and the journey you are on because I know from personal experience that it’s difficult and it doesn’t happen over night. I have put my own path to finding me in writing and if it could help you in any way, it would make me happy. Please go to centerofthebed.com to see if there is something there you may find useful to you. I wish you all the best from here on out. You will come through with a new you or perhaps just one you’ve never know, strong and independent and even…happy.
Tough stuff indeed.. I’ve just turned 58 and there are still days when I feel a bit lost (8 years after divorce). First of all, congratulations on getting out of that marriage! You must be pretty strong to have made it this far.
I’m no expert on divorce but I’d suggest you find some groups or activities to do that you enjoy. Something new. Maybe a volunteer job or a class. Make a list of all the fun things you’ve never done. Treat yourself to something special every week-whether it’s flowers from the store or a pedicure or a walk in the park. Start to get out and envision yourself as the new woman you’re becoming.
As someone else has suggested, consider a therapist to help you sort things out. This is such a time of change that you don’t want to make hasty decisions, if you can avoid them. A new place to live may be more urgent. I don’t know what’s up with the adult children but this may be the time to downsize and gently urge them to step out on their own as well?
My best and most heartfelt advice is to remember that things will get clearer and easier. Don’t expect to reverse 27 years of marriage in a few months. Give yourself permission to explore and experiment. And good luck.
Thank you so much. I have for the first time created a bucket list for ME.
I read it every morning and add things as they come up. I am trying to move forward and think forward. As you all know the bad days are really bad and can set me back what seems to be weeks if not months. At those low times it is the most difficult to remind myself that this will some day come to an end.
I am working at it. My new mantra: living well is the best revenge. Hugs
Congrats to you on your “Bucket List” and your new lease on life. Slow going but worth it! Best of luck as you move forward with your new life.
Congratulations!
Somehow we made it. Proof of that is “we are still here” and reaching out; otherwise, we would not be contributing to this article or even reading it.
I spent 24 years in an emotionless “legal marriage”. I focused on meeting the needs of every person, in the family, BUT ME. If someone asked how I felt, I responded based on how my family members were. Eventually, I went to a therapist who helped me find me. The therapist gave me assignments that were all about me. I learned that I was separate from every person in my family whether or not they were ok.
My emotionless marriage helped me prepare for aloneness. I have spent the last decade traveling; doing volunteer work; developing interests; increasing my spirituality, etc. I have tackled some major challenges (bought property; had a few surgeries, a life threatening accident, and at one point, a serious medical diagnosis that probably is inaccurate.)
Over a decade has passed. Still, I experience some “inconveniences” but no regrets.
I end the way I started “Congratulations to us”.
Thanks for being so encouraging. Hugs
It took tremendous courage to get out, and i would suggest that you remind yourself over & over that you are a strong & courageous woman!
You can, and have made decisions. So, make some smaller decisions, and take baby steps toward them. One day, visit an apt., then look at a condo, then look near someone or something. The beauty is that you will figure it out.
And, same suggestion for the adult kids. Assuming they are independent, and able, get them moving forward in some way. You can’t or maybe shouldn’t have to depend on them or vice versa. Just a thought.
I took a divorce class & it was a great comfort to share with others and in turn learn to heal. Some of our assignments were to try new things, and get accustomed to doing things alone, I.e., eating out alone, sleeping in the middle of the bed, going to a movie by ourself. These were good experiences and I found that I enjoyed not having to hold a conversation, etc.
For focus: haven’t met too many who made it without some kind of medication. It’s possible that its situational anxiety, so see a medical doctor, and get a good therapist. Try yoga to meditate, or pray, or Massages can also be therapeutic for domestic abuse victims. lots of resources out there.
Best of luck to you, and hang in there.
Wonderful suggestions! Thank for sharing your knowledge and experience.
Happy to help in any way. Keep us posted!
What an inspiring post and responses. Thank you all. I agree and acknowledge every post… especially about taking baby steps and congratulating yourself on what you ARE doing vs what you are not.