I am just wondering why after only 4 weeks of my soon to be ex dropped the piano on my head with, “I want a divorce” no conversation through out 21 years of marriage and when I tried to discuss things, “where did that come from”, or you just twist things. Of course I asked who is she? He said there is no other woman, I just have never been “In love with you”. I did get his brother to spill the truth (I feel bad for tricking him) and found out this affair had been going on for a long time. How can one detach themselves from a 21 year love at least I had in my heart. I believe he was mentally abusive. I have, after all, been finding the real me I had to surpress for years and I am excited about that but other men right now…… not sure. They say engage family and friends but I have done that and I am sure they are all ready tired of the storys and they depress me too. I am going to take the advice of someone in this website.. “Don’t let the man live rent free anymore in your head” Suggestions anyone about what to say to people when they tell you “Get over it” “It is what it is” I want to yell.. 4 weeks?? after 21 years of love in my heart for a man that now admits he never was “In Love” with me… WOW.. I know I am better then this sorry excuse for a man but HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID!! of course so was everybody else (our joint friends) everyone was shocked.
| only 4 weeks why do people say, get over it.. it is what it is? | Hot Conversation |
August 31, 2010
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Sounds very interesting.
People don’t really know what to say. They usually want to help, and they want you to feel better. You may be in that shocky, horrified, denial stage where you repeat yourself a lot and cry for help at every opportunity. I know I did. I whined and fussed and was absolutely convinced that I couldn’t go on. Very dramatic. So some of them may just be trying to goad you out of it, trying to get you motivated to move beyond this stage of grief. In all honesty, some of the people who helped me the most were those who were the rudest, saying some of the fiercest things, making me face my demons. Some of that made me stand up straight and get on with my life. I was actually at a point where I couldn’t swallow, didn’t care if I lived or died, etc.
Many many of us have been that stupid, or stupider. It has nothing to do with intelligence and everything to do with thinking that we can control what happens to us in this life. I thought that if I loved him, was a good wife, a good mother, great cook, fun companion, enthusiastic lover (ok, usually), and life partner, that he would have to reciprocate. Wrong.
Four weeks is not enough time to get over much of anything, let alone a 21 year marriage. But you can begin. Take care of yourself, eat right, exercise, get counseling, read everything you can find that seems to fit your situation. Get a good lawyer. Don’t even think about dating. Get a massage, a facial, anything to help that need to be touched. You don’t have the foggiest notion who you are at the moment, so you can’t possibly pick a partner who will be right for you as you emerge from this disaster.
You are not alone. Tragically, there are zillions of us. You’ll be fine, but it’s a long road to fine. You can do it, we can help.
Agree, some close acquaintance ar not equppied to handle the situation so they are seeemingly dissmissive of your raw feelings and just go with pat answers; “get over it”
C’mon as you stated..after 21 years and just out of the clear blue? It’s just not that easy. But only you alone have experienced this marriage they can’t feel what you are feeling.
My easy suggestions;
1. begin a exercise routine especially I’d recommend yoga
2. begin a diary.write out your thoughts, it will really help
3. get counseling; even short term. A good counselor will give you a perspective you may not have considered.
4. Know that many women have been where you are and though it may not seem like it now, there is happiness down the road.
my best wishes for your happiness
This is very good advice.
I think people are uncomfortable and don’t know what to say, and make ignorant, hurtful remarks.
I HATE that term, get over it. It is SO disrespectful and hurtful. I would say, “well, there are some things you never get over, but I am doing my best to heal. It may take years.”
Or, I am sure you are trying to helpful, but hearing that is hurtful. You were NOT stupid, you were honest and honorable.
I would suggest therapy, also…..writing a journal, etc…I got a divorce arfter 31 years of abuse. It has been 5 years, it still affects me. It takes…as long as it takes…to feel a little better.
xoxoxo, Alicia
Anyone who tells you “get over it” doesn’t require a response. Just give an “I can’t believe you just said that!” look and turn away.
Four weeks isn’t alot of time. You may consider counseling. You’re friends and family, though their hearts may be hurting for you, may not know how to ease your pain. So, they say things to help you. Take care of your self Kathie Lee.
KathieLee,
The end of a marriage is a death. You have just started to grieve this loss in your life. A lot of people don’t understand this and you are probably one of them right now. A lot of women on this site have gone through seperation and will relate to what you are going through.
Time, yes it takes time, and you will need it to go through the steps of grieving. The five steps to grieving are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. You will go through these steps in your own way and they will often overlap each other and one will often be more evident than another at one time in your own life. It is a death, and you will mourn this loss as you would that of a loved one who has passed away and you will never see again. As you said, it is like having your heart riped out of you. This kind of pain might not be evident to everyone surrounding you, especially if they have not been through it.
If you can, find people who have gone through a seperation, even if they have initiated it, these people will be able to better understand your situation. Do not shut out the people who love you. As someone else suggested, they just don’t know what to say to see you happy since they have not been there, done that. And besides, no one will have ever walked in your shoes, everyone’s life is different.
I think that going for walks is a great idea. It helps the clearing of the mind process. If you can and feel up to it, join a divorce group or anything that will help you understand your situation better. Read all you can about divorce and seperation. I am sure your local library will be a great help here. A lot of the books might not talk to you, but some will. A counsellor, as someone else suggested, is also a good idea if you can afford one, it just might be one of the best investments you can make right now, as well as a good lawyer.
Although you might think that you have always been friends and he would never do anything else to hurt you purposely, hire a good lawyer. You will need a good lawyer. Remember that he has someone else in his life and he will be looking out for number one and two, which is him and the other woman. You need to look out for number one also, which is you. You are number one!
Do what will help you get through this part of your life. If this means kicking your ex out: Do it now! Do not leave your house, he should be the one to leave! He decided to opt out of your life.
Take care of yourself. You will need to be strong!
Hugs.
anir
It’s been 1yr for me. It still hits me in waves. I have good days & bad. I dream about him 3-4 times a week. I was married 27yrs. When they say “love is blind”, I had NO eyes. He used me. Played horrible mind games. Destroyed my self esteem. No, you are not alone. You are a human being, with a loving heart, that was trampled down into herself. Time is your saving grace. It took 21years to get you where you are now. Its gonna take a few years to recover from it. We all heal at our own pace. You are stronger than you think. You are just now seeing yourself as a independent person, not someones wife, daughter, mother, sister. Finding yourself takes guts. Facing yourself is hard. You will do it. There is no set limit for you. Take 10years if you need to, or 10months. You will know. The recovery is like riding a wave, you never know from minute to minute what you will feel, anger, sorrow, frustration, loss, despair. Its exciting too, discovering who you are, seeing all your potential, you never knew you had. Very scary too. Just take care of yourself. Don’t rush, go slowly. Get to know you. What you want out of life, who you decide to be. Make lists, plans, they will change often, that’s what your life is now, constant change. As long as you accomplish your goal, it doesn’t matter how long it takes or how curvy the road is. Baby steps now, you have to learn to walk on your own before you can run. It will be overwhelming, chaos will take over, just ride these emotions out, feel everything, then move on. It will be possible, it will get easier. You are strong, so very strong. Trust yourself enough, to just feel. Its your healing taking place. You are tranforming into a new being. When you get to meet her it will be pure joy, the smiles will come, the tears will be of pure bliss. People will never understand the fountian of emotion you need to express now. Leave them if they can’t be positive for you. Find sources of comfort, a divorce life coach, saved me. Join a divorce recovery class-group, check the library, or churches. You may have to drive once a week to a larger city to find one, it will be worth it. Mid-life-crisis group forums on line are great places to vent & read other’s stories. Midlifeclub.com, is a great free on line source, divorce & infidelity forums are available there. You will be okay, you just need to give yourself love & time. Bless your heart.
There is one other thing I would like to prepare you for..know that some of your friends may choose to befriend and socialize with him, Often times it has nothing at all to do with you but rather their own needs,
If this happens and it unnerves you, protect yourself from their chatter about him. Unless folks have endured the type of break up you have, they just won’t get why you could feel betrayed, hurt or just not wanting to be kept up with news about your ex. (unelss of course you are curious just in passing) .
So,protect yourself at all costs,as someone else stated get yourself a good lawyer. If his income is larger,go for 40% of his pension,suggest his income be used to pay for your attorney,.remember now he has carried on a long term affair.
I am not suggesting revenge so much as I am urging you to protect yourself and get all that you as a wife of 21 years can obtain.
Years from now as you are sitting pretty, you will be glad you fought via the legal system for all you were entitled to.
This is great advice. I just wanted an “amicable” divorce, so I didn’t go after any money. Well, I am sure sorry now, as he has a great job and probably a great retirement nest egg…and i have nothing. I was married for 21 years, too. Only during that time I supported HIM!
I left my alcoholic x by choice but have been astounded at hard this whole process has been. find yourself friends that have been through it. If you cant find anyone where you live, go on the internet with old friends and VN women. I have made great friends with a woman on VN and we support each other. We both are in the same boat and neither tires of the other becasue we are both in it. I have had many loses over time, family deaths, miscarriages, divorce. 4 weeks is absolutely not enough time for anything. One of the things I did discover during my miscarriages was that people would purposely not talk to me because they felt so bad they just didnt know what to say. That always made me insane, but it was a great life experience for me to do things differently. I have been at this divorce thing for a year, and much to my horror have discovered that many of the people I called friends, I can really dont care to have as my friends anymore. I have also become very regretful for the way I did not understand a friend of mine that divorced her husband many years ago. I just did not get it. Take care of yourself. You have a huge wound. Do the suggestions mentioned above. Dont go this alone. For me, I have several longdistance friends that I rely on. I have a prayer companion here. I am taking a financial class so I can better learn to stand on my own two feet. I want to take a divorce class at a local church but cant at the moment due to carpooling kids
Good Monrng, You’re not stupid. You have the rest of your life. Now is your time. Do what you always wanted to do and you’l find one perhaps a few good men along the way. Good luck.
When desperate to get the ‘ex’ out of my head, I read and read and followed the plan to move forward including ‘have a funeral for the relationship’, destroy all memorabilia of the relationship….that was the final step that I could not do. Now, years later, after his actual death, there was a real funeral, but our relationship is still stuck in my head, and I still long to repair it. I am resigned now that love is eternal, but you can move forward regardless.
Be your own ‘best friend’, pamper yourself, you have earned it, make friends, put yourself out there, join singles groups, volunteer, take a class, walk a fitness trail where other single men also go, or a gym, join a church, I met singles while iceskating every noon for exercise, get a dog to walk…..smell all the flowers and see the beauty around you….you might just find life has so much to offer that caring for just yourself is pure joy!!
After all that. ” You still love him”. It is hard being human.
i have to agree with the other posters that it this kind of insensitive comment is a function of other people discomfort with your pain. And right now you are in pain and kicking yourself. All to be expected.
It takes about a year in my experience to recover and regroup from this kind of trauma. All the suggestions on this thread are great. I would add that if you didn’t know what was going on in your relationship – it might not have been your inability to see it as much as your ex’s inability to express it or deliberate cover up of how he really felt.
My mental exercise for this was to say to myself every day on waking – I am loved and appreciated. And anytime I thought of him to literally envision taking him and setting him on the sidewalk with all his stuff with the emotion of freeing him – deliberately letting him go – not because you don’t feel love for him or want him – but because if you really love someone you want them to be where they want to be doing what they want to do – even if that doesn’t include you. So envision setting him free to be himself and in the process you set yourself free to be yourself.