I feel like I have outgrown my man. Not sure what I should do about it.
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January 06, 2010
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ReginaLove, that is SO great to hear! As for soy, it may help with menopause symptoms -- it it controversial. The best way to use soy is in the form of whole fermented soy foods (miso, tempeh, tamari and natto). Non-fermented soy foods such as soy mi
Agreed. I never thought I was vain until I had a mastectomy at age 39. I was devastated and told the doc I wanted to wake up with implants. Now at age 60, I am lopsided and wondering if I was just avoiding the inevitable. You get what you get and you
Sounds very interesting.
granny in long johns summed it up nicely. We’ve all gone through ups and down. For whatever reason I’m still with the love of my life going on 45 years now. He still interests me because he’s still interested in life. We are vastly different and that makes it fun. We have lots of activities we do together and we have children together. There’s no magic answer. If you would like to stay together and regain some common interests then that’s what you should do about it.
I am in agreement with dynamomma and granny in long johns…..that fairytale inspired love is not what made my marriage of 31 years strong. It is the partnership, committment, and acceptance of each others flaws that have kept us going through thick and thin. I am sure glad that my handsome husband hasn’t taken on look at me and decided that I am not thin enough, cute enough, or fun enough to be married to anymore. Of course we love each other…. Our life isn’t always exciting,but I would rather work on it then start over with someone who doesn’t know me so well. =]
I’m in “care” now. No longer in love. I don’t think I was ever in like. I wish we could be friends but after all these years he still doesn’t know me. He’s too selfish and insecure to get to know me or anyone. I hope he will one day know our kids.
same here! emotional giver here! retired 4 years ago, now days are full,housekeeping,laundry,grandkids. My husband of 30 years treats me as a sister,mother! we haven’t connected for 10 years, he gave up sex 12 years ago, after years of nagging I moved to the guest room,now I feel like the maid! he once told me how good i smelled now he thinks dinner smells good,
You have settled for this? And proudly, I might add. EEEWWW… zsa zsa
Rose6, I know exactly how you feel. How long have you been feeling this way? I have been married 31 years and for the past 5 or 6 years, I have known that I am not “in love” with my husband, I feel I have grown up and he never did. I first thought it was menopause, but I’ve been past that for several years now, and nothing has changed. I care for him, and think he’s a wonderful person but I feel no passion for him, don’t want to do anything or go anywhere with him, but I don’t have the courage to pick up and just leave him. After 31 years, I don’t think I have the strength to start over and to deal with all of the repercussions. I pray for God to give me the strength to do the right thing, but I’m just out here in limbo. I feel so bad that I don’t feel for him the way that I should, especially when he tells me how much he loves me. The thought of hurting him after this long of a marriage, makes me sick to my stomach. Suffering in silence, for now.
I just spent about 12 hours with a woman lamenting the same crap as you. You are settling and boo-hoo for a minute. After that, if you don’t change your own life, no one can. Limbo is a very uncomfortable place to be in anytime, but especially in this time of our lives. The whole marytr routine is transparent. Courage here is the key word, dpaul. No reason you can’t go your separate ways and still be friends. You desperately need a life of your own. You probably have a lifetime of learning to teach; suffering in silence is a waste of a soul. zsa zsa
This is hoe i feel he is so selfish and it hurts many family members.
you do not say very much of what ails you so it is difficult to give an opinion. There are issues that you may be able to work on, but there are others that you may not. I am in the same boat. I have given it 12 years. Finally when i finally said … I AM DONE! He stopped drinking, is watching his verbal abuse and thinks I may change my mind. We made a deal and todate, i am sticking by it. Let us know more of your situation.
Talk to him, tell him what you are going through; his response will be quite revealing. He may be shocked but many times the spouse is feeling quite different too and open honest respectful discussion may steer you both into counseling or open the door to better communication etc. You don’t say how long you have been married or if you have children together so it is difficult to respond appropriately but working on your relationship I would consider the number one thing to do. Marriage is a compromise in action from both parties. Another very important thing is concentrating on you. Why do you feel this way, what do you like and enjoy doing with your spouse. Is there any commonality between you? What drew you to him in the first place? Long term marriages experience many emotional highs and lows. Can’t say I have always liked my husband, but I know I have always loved him. I guess you need to find the bond that was once there and try to re-establish it any way you can but you won’t be successful without his participation. Good luck to you.
Yes, marriage is definitely work, if it works…it works. Some times it does not. If trust, respect and boundaries are not present and the man does not honor those things, there is not a lot of hope.
I have been married for more than 21 years and I did marry my best friend. He just is not my best
friend anymore because of trust, disrespect and not honoring me or our marriage. I have given myself
a time frame to gather my sanity, build my finances to pay a lawyer and start a new life with my almost
graduated daughter who is also his daughter. He is still emotionally tied to his ex-wife who has been remarried for 19 years - my husband shares a 30 year old daughter with the ex-wife and the ex-wife’s daughter from her second marriage. He does not believe women should take anything from a man, including his money or his support, and he believes men were created to lust after more than one woman. Time to leave and get sane again. My daughter and I have always felt like we were the “other family” because he
responds first to the ex-wife and her children.
Pari, were you a buddy of mine back in the 70′s when we were all swinging? I was blessed, I admit. Harold and I were soulmates and married for 25 yrs. before cancer took him out. He can never come knocking at my door, nor will I ever feel the pain of seeing him with a new woman or an ex. Big price to pay for that, dontcha think? You had to know about your hubs predilctions before marriage. Leave and get sane again, by all means. It’s time for both you and your daughter. zsa zsa
zsa zsa…thank you for your response. But, no…did not know about is predictions. He hid them well. It was like being married to someone who deliberately and slowly
killed the marriage. His pattern followed him into women’s lives. I have talked with
some of the women he has had past relationshps with. It was his M.O. I went with
him for 1-1/2 years and he showed nothing out of the ordinary. Some men as just
sociopaths. It’s the way they are made. And, they work very hard at hiding their
behavior until after they marry you. Then all hell breaks loose.
What??? Not sure??? I cannot imagine living a partial life. How can you NOT know about something so integral as how you feel about your life’s partner? Are you utterly miserable? What’s the story. A life story had to make you come to this pragmatic conclusion. zsa zsa
He cheated on me 5 times that I know of . Is hooked on grafic porn the real bad stuff. He told me he gave it up but I find his stash everywhere. He does not accept my kids as I do his there is a list a mile long . I have stuck by him and now ask myself why. I am misserable
And you’re stil there? What are you waiting for? I don’t believe you get extra points in heaven for playing the martyr. Life’s too short to waste on a lost cause and it sounds like that man is a loser. You deserve a better life and you’re the only one that can make that happen. As they say at Nike, “Just do it”!
Reality is that it is hard to leave a relationship. I think we are all agreed that Silligram deserves a better life. My suggestion to Silligram is: focus on strengthening who you are. Remember that you are in control of your life. Eat right, exercise, work hard, care about you, do things that give you pleasure and you will start to feel better. That is how you will grow your self esteem. . Keep it up daily and in time you will be strong enough to leave him or he may realize that he will lose you if he doesn’t change
KristinavonR said it well sillygram. Unless he is physically abusing you, get yourself fit physically and mentally too, know who you are and what is important to you, make new friends and get out doing fun things on your own and with friends which will build confidence and you will be ready–you will realize you can do it and your life will be much, much better without him. You are being abused now, you just don’t have the outside bruises, they are all on the inside. From someone married “only” 12 years, once trust is gone there is very little left to work with. Ask yourself, how is life better with him? You have your children and you have lots of years–he didn’t ask you to “stick by him”–it is just convenient for him and a martyr thing we tend to do. Don’t waste your years that way–we only get one shot at life, as far as we know. If we can’t mark more time up to happiness than misery, what they heck are we doing!!??
You need to leave him. Like scribegirl said – Life is too short. I learned this first hand when my baby brother was diagnosed with cancer three years ago – I was his caregiver for the entire time because his wife did not give a damn, basically and did NOT want to help him. He kept waiting for her to “come around” (they had been married 25 years)… guess what, she NEVER did. He passed 15 months ago, she collected the life insurance, 401 K, etc., walked out on their home (abandoned it) -during treatment, my brother went back to work way too early after his surgery so that he could keep up with the mortgage. She abandoned the house, trashed it, left ALL of my brother’s belongings (his clothes, papers, etc) on the floor strung out all over the place – I discovered this by accident – you would not even treat a dog like this. Our family has since heard thru the grapevine that she is now with a new man – I have nothing to do with her. Life is too short – you NEVER know what tomorrow will hold – take your heart while it is still somewhat intact and better yourself!! I wish my brother had.