I left my husband of 20 years four months ago. I am lonely but I feel like I did the right thing. The loneliness hits me almost every night when I go to bed. I cry (sob) but then I feel better. I have always been very independent and supported our family for the last ten years. I feel like my confidence level has slipped., and am a little paranoid. The ladies in my apartment complex don’t seem friendly so I don’t have any friends around me. I like my alone time, but get so lonely that I start doubting myself. Does anyone have any suggestions for me, and will I cry every night for the rest of my life ?
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Permalink: http://www.vibrantnation.com/family-relationships/newly-separated/
Hi there,
Like JKL just noticed this post. Yes, I have a book on the subject. Sharing Housing, A Guidebook for Finding and Keeping Good Housemates Found 
What are you crying over? Do you imagine you and “he” could have lived happily ever after? What is the source of the upset? The Ladies of the Bldg may be uncertain of you, as it sounds like your energy is not bouncy. Give them the benefit of doubt — many of them have come thru just what you are going thru now. Reach out to two or three and keep reaching — one reach is not enough. Tell them the sadness you are feeling, they are also wise warriors. Deal with reality, not the coulda, shoulda, stuff of the imagination. You need you on your side not on the (imaginary side of your ex). The bed is all yours now and your decisions are your, celebrate and make room for new energy, new experiences and new friends. Then there is a space for them to come and play.
Darcy09
You sound angry, and not very compassionate. Not really what I was expecting from this site. It took a look of nerve for me to write anything on here, and your comment comes across as condescending, and harsh.
I have three divorces and a son from a fling. I spent lots of time in the “what if” fog. It was awful, and worse I still love him. The second one was easier (sort of knew my responses), and the third .. well, some tears. The ‘ladies in the bldg’ i learned from eavesdropping in the hall on way to visit Mom. Son called them “the grannies”. They were clustered in a group going up stairs and one said “hrumph I would never remarry, too much work, and then the other three “hrumphed” and reiterated comment. They knew finally had a grip on new reality for them, and it made me smile. I could only imagine their stories. They all met in the ‘common room’, including Mom, and it was delightful to see them laughing and sharing stories.
I have some information on what did not work for me, and some insight into what would have/does work better. And yes I am alone with the cats, aquasize mates, and a few good friends. I have decided for reasons of ease and peace of mind — I am a pot without a lid; and that is just fine –finally.
All the best in your journey thru the change and heartbreaj and use the well-worn path of tears, wisdom, and footprints. No need so alway carve your own path. Sometimes we can just notice the hole and walk around it.
What you did may have been the right thing (Only you can make that judgement), but it doesn’t mean it was the easy thing. Your life is turned upside down. What you knew is no longer. Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. Allow yourself time to learn the new ways of your new life.You will have a lot of false starts until you get it right. I recently wrote in the manuscript for my soon to be completed memoir (third draft!) “Welcome to Take Beijing Taxi,” that it takes time to become an ex-wife, just like it took time to really become a wife. It is more than the judge’s signature on the page. In the meantime – find a good therapist and a divorce support group (preferably one in your community so you can meet new friends). If there isn’t one, and you’re involved in a faith community, talk to your minister, or pastor, or rabbi – they may be able to help you find someone else in your congregation who is also in need of a friend. Finally, no, you will not cry forever. It just feels like it right now. I am six years post divorce (he left for another woman). I cried so hard that my eyes actually swelled shut. But that was years ago.
Roo, I’d like to help you.
Some of your feelings right now are so confusing. Being alone after being married for a long time, is a big adjustment. Wondering what happened to your life, What will become of me, etc.
Understanding these feelings is a key toward healing.
Talking helps, writing in a journal helps, being in the company of wise women helps.
Let yourself cry. That’s good release and you need it. Then, dry your eyes and take a walk. Fresh insight will gradually come to you. Gradually you can make sense of your tears, your fears, your feelings. Best of luck to you.
Thank you ladies. I have decided that the first thing I need to do is slow down. Nothing happens overnight. I do need some fresh insight, and in order for that to happen I must make room for it ! It took a long time to even get where I am now, it’s time to breathe and just take it all in. I have so much to be grateful for, and sometimes I forget that. I love reading all your input and it’s wonderful to know people do care about others. Thank you and be well !
Hi Roo:
I am in the same boat as you. I too left my husband of 28 years of marriage in May 2012. Anyway it has been a roller coaster ride of emotions. I too am a very independant woman. I do not cry myself to bed every nite but lately, my tears seem to come too easily. I am very much alone as well and keep to myself in my new neighbourhood. Married friends hang onto their spouses tighter. I have no interest in their spouses at all. Every one said that I have been through a lot in the last 4 months and it is just hitting me now. Off course seeing the ex with his new girlfriend at our old house does not help. So the crying is on and off and I hope it does stop eventually because I am just not that weepy type. I thought I would be strong enough to weather this. I am going to see a therapist for help because I do need help to move on. Keep chatting on this site. I get a lot of insight and help from all the ladies who have been through this.
Take care of youself. It sure took a lot of years too to get me to where I am today as well and I am not going to let the past, drag me down. I too have a lot to be grateful for and I should not feel sorry for myself. I have better things to do with my time and my life. There are people in situations a lot worse than us. I have no regrets over my decision. I am just in the grieving process and when that is over, it is time to celebrate a new life, a new beginning, a new chapter in our lives.
Hugs