I am so sick and sad. My son told me last night that the girl he has been seeing is pregnant. He is 20 and is in college. She is 21 and also in college. He had great plans was going to be going out of town for college and had a wonderful future planned. He does not love this girl. I am just so sad by this now altered life that they both will have. He has decided to stay here, go to a junior college and work. I am just so heartbroken. I just needed someone to talk to about this. I don’t know what the best advice is for them or what they should do. I know they should not get married and that they both need to continue their lives but I just am so sad and don’t know what to do or how to advise. Maybe it’s just too fresh…
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Hi Darcy
I always appreciate your comments. Emasculating a man means not letting him have his DNA role of being a man. It happens when we take control and literally want to wear the pants versus letting him.
It's very hard for Boomer women to
As hard as this is right now and no matter what happens just remember how responsible your son is being right now. You won’t find to many 20 year old men who are willing to accept that kind of responsibility. Even though you are devastated, a part of you must be so proud of him for what he is willing to do. Unfortunately, as mothers we can only sit back and guide our children but they are adults and will make up their own minds. I watched my son go through the same thing. His girlfriend became pregnant and left him with a beautiful little girl when she was a baby. My wonderful son raised this little girl on his own. He drove a truck during the night and then came home and took care of his daughter. I helped him as much as I could but he took on the bulk of the responsbility. In his eyes there was no way that he would give up this baby. Like your son, my son had also gone through a smilar experience of not growing up with his father. There was never any doubt in his mind that he wouldn’t be there for his daughter. The experience was really hard for me to watch because he too had shattered dreams. Today his daughter is ten year and my son couldn’t be prouder. The loss of those years of college didn’t end up hurting my son to badly; I am proud to say today he is a fireman and worked very hard to get there. Now today I watch my son with his daughter and realize that dreams can be postponed. I only have to look at him to know that the choices he made only molded him into the individual he is today.
YOU DID A FINE WORK IN HIM…TRACK
Thank you for your story and support. I am very proud of your son just reading this and I am also very proud of my son. He was determined to create a “family” but it didn’t work out so we are back to square one. I know he will be a wonderful dad and this will also mold him into a man that he may not have been otherwise, so I hope his story ends ups like your sons. Thank you so much for your support. Sue
It amazes me, as it does Old Blonde-I love you already-, that there is so much Judgement on these posts. Have we forgotten that we are here to SUPPORT each other, and keep our supportive voices loud and clear?
I feel this is definitely not your game to call. The more input you give, especially with definite outcomes attatched, the more you are going to see pulling in the opposite direction. At this age, the girl, emotional, scared, angry at her own future, and upset, is going to (at some point) get defiant. Your son wants to be understood and responsible. PLEASE recommend they see an unbiased counselor- probably free through one of their health providers- and let them have a platform to talk this out with an uninvolved party who can help THEM come to a decision- Make it clear what $$$ support-if any- they are going to get from both sets of Parents- so the game rules are out there, and stick with those boundaries while they are in counseling. Trust that based on HONESTY- the solution will be found and there will be no BAD or WRONG party .
Sea, consider that you have a view of life that is giving you this suffering right now. I invite you to take a look and see what that view is. Is it that his life should have gone another way, not this way? or He shouldn’t have to go through this? or even, what’s the view that you have about the kind of mother you are that he got a girl pregnant? It could be all of it. Consider also that when we have a view of life and then it gets stopped, or an expectation in life in then it doesn’t happen the way we expected it, or, we have something to say, and we don’t say it, WE get upset. Then we begin to look for reasons and explanations about what happened to find a solution and we get upset with others. And the blaming game begins…The good news is, who’s the one with the view, the expectation and the something to say we haven’t said? We are. So, then, we can do something about it! I invite you to begin there: examining your views, expectations. That’s what’s giving you your suffering.
The only thing that has happened is that there’s a baby on the way. That’s it. Their life is not over. It just doesn’t look the way you intended or expected. And that is called life. Life is happening.
My daughter got pregnant at 21 while still in college. At first I was very upset. Then I examined my views. I saw that first, I thought I hadn’t done my job as a mother or this wouldn’t have happened. Then, I saw that I had expectations of her going to study abroad, travel, be successful, etc. but it was her life, not mine. I saw that my job was done and she’d already turned out. and her view of life was diferent from mine! So I created the possibility of being empowering. I shared all that with her and she said, “thank you. I was feeling like I was a dissapointment.” and I said, “you are not in this world to make anybody proud. You are here to be happy, love, and be free and, you could never dissapoint me. No matter what. So, tell me, what do you want? What’s important to you?” and she said, “I want to keep my baby and make life work with my boyfriend.” I said, “Great.” And my daughter a supporting and empowering mother, no matter what she had to confront in life. That was 3 years ago and I have had the opportunity, amazing opportunity to watch my daughter transform into a beautiful, dedicated, comitted mother, partner, friend, and now teacher. She just graduated this May. I never would have picked this for her and the results are extraordinary. That tells me everything I need to know about what I think I know about their life. I don’t know. I now just BE a possibility and live from that.
I love your response! It applies to so much more than just this situation. I’ve been so disappointed in my marriage of 14 years but don’t believe in divorce; I had been feeling so trapped. Now I realize that I must analyze and adjust my expectations. He is NEVER going to be the man I thought and hoped he would be when I married him. If I’m to stay married, I simply need to find other places which fulfill my life in the places where he does not. Thanks for a great post.
14 years is long enough to know this marriage is not going to work. You will most likely be happier when you get out of it and as soon as possible. Not making a decision and staying in an unhappy marriage is making a decision. It seems easy to keep things the same but you have a life and it does not have to include him. He is probably not worthy of you anyways.I was married for many years and did not leave untill I was told I had stage 2 breast cancer….I left in a hurry then because I realized that my life has an end……think about it before it is to late.
Sea, I have to put in my two cents worth here as a great grandmother !!! I am mad at my daughter and son in law for not being more responsible in teaching their two children about sex and its conquences. My grandson ( 20 ) and girlfriend just had a baby out of wedlock in April, 2010. They used a condom and it broke. My question is ” Why wasn’t this girl on birth control ? “ It is so easy to get and they know so much more than I did at that age.
They are still together and live out of state. And that is not all that happened. My granddaughter ( his sister who is 18 is pregnant also and due in September, 2010. She also has the same excuse. Condom broke, etc.
Okay, what is wrong with this family ?? My daughter should have had my granddaughter on birth control for sure after the grandson got a girl pregnant. They all are kids raising kids. I believe they all have ADHD. What is wrong with being responsible parents ?? They said it was not their fault. I think it is. These grandkids do not need to be making grownup choices. This is serious business to me. I believe in being responsible.
I am so sad, disappointed, and ashamed of my daughter and the grandkids too. I thought I raised my daughter better than this. She was an only child with no father in the picture during growing up years. And certainly no child support either !!
I just hate that people will find out about this and judge me for their actions. I must be getting set in my ways, because I feel that children come after marriage, not before. I have had a hard time with this and do not see it changing soon. My daugher stays in denial and nothing is ever her fault. Help !!
Frankly, I think you are being a bit judgemental yourself. I find it rich that you would care what other people think about your family. Who cares? What’s it to them? We are not perfect people.
We raise our children to the best of our ability, and the rest is down to them. We can’t control others, only ourselves. Sometimes things happen. My daughter uses condoms with her boyfriend and she is on the pill as back up. However, she also has lung issues and sometimes the anti biotics or inhaler can make the pill null and void. So what is she supposed to do? Not have sex at all when she has to use her meds? She loves her boyfriend! I would hate for her to have an accident, because that is what it would be. she is a smart girl.
I think the problem with your family might be you. Ease up! Jeeze! There are worse things in life than having children out of wedlock! I would be mortified to learn that my mother would be disappointed and ashamed of me because of that! I probably wouldn’t speak to her!
I faced this 10 years ago, only it was my daughter. I got mad, cried, and said that I wasn’t going to be a babysitter. I was heart broken. When my grandson was born, my heart melted. My daughter realized that she was responsible for another person and got her act together. She earned her degree in teaching and went on to earn 3 post grad degrees and her certification to be a principal.
Their life doesn’t have to be over. It’s up to your son and the mother. But I promise you, if you spend time with that baby, you will love it as much or more than your own. I enjoyed my grandson more because I could love him, enjoy him unconditionally without worrying if I was a good enough mother.
My daughter married the father and it lasted almost 2 years. But they have both remarried and are doing just fine.
My grandson has been a joy. When my husband died of cancer four years ago, my grandson spent the whole week with me to make sure that I was ok. He is my heart.
My son found himself in the same situation at the same age. I was devastated for the same reasons you are. Now, 22 years later, my grandson is one of the joys of my life. I made a woman to woman connection with his mother and stayed very connected to him. The hardest thing for me was to stay out of the relationship between father and son (and mother, too) and let them find their own way to each other, which they ultimately did. (My son didnt want to marry her and eventually married someone else – once they had a child together he was able to reconcile with his eldest son.) It’s so hard to watch your kids learn to live with their mistakes, but ultimately you have to let them solve their own problems. Check out my book – When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us – for more on this.
By coincidence, years ago, I was given an audio tape of a seminar you gave to Women Sage in Southern California. I listened to that tape over and over and over again. It saved my life. Ultimately I found out our son was Bipolar but that was no excuse to allow him to be so irresponsible. Your words gave me guidance, peace and hope.
I’m very excited to see you here on VN as a member. You have a true gift and the ability to help so many of us struggling with different issues including, but not limited to, BOUNDARIES!!!
Thank you Jane Adams! I hope to see more of you here!
Thank you so much! I loved speaking to that group of fully engaged women and if I helped anyone else as I did you I’m grateful. You’ll see me here again.check out my blog posts!
SEA, I can see how you would feel the way you feel right now…the hopes and the dreams you had for your son seemed to have fallen by the wayside so suddenly. You feel despair because in your heart you wanted the very best for him and had visions of how bright his future could be. But this could be a divine detour for both of them. Even though it was their choice or mistake or however you choose to frame the situation, I am a living witness that something wonderful is wrapped up inside what seems to be a hard situation. Not only a precious child will be born into the world, but there are other gifts that will come alongside it, but they don’t look or feel like gifts at first. Only later when they blossom do you see the hand of God at work.
For comfort, think back to when you were your son’s age. Think of the toughest situation you had to face and how you made it safely through. So will they. We’ve all had to face challenges and obstacles in life, many of our own making, though sometimes we are not conscious that our choices will have certain outcomes. At those times, we’re not thinking about the great plan of life; we’re living in the moment. Each of us in our youth have done things or made mistakes and yet, still here we are. We made it through somehow by grace.
You’ve raised a good son! He is stepping up to the plate and willing to “stand in the shoes” when many others in his situation may run the other way or take the easy way out. There is honor in him and character in him and you can be so very proud of that. He is his own person…his own man and he is living by his convictions. Applaud that he is that kind of person. His intent and his heart arein the right place. Those two qualities alone should bring great ccomfort to you. He is a person who wants to do the right thing. I personally believe you can never go wrong by doing what is right.
As parents, we have to give the very best counsel we can to our children and then we have to pray and trust that they will make the right decisions for their lives. You have planted the right seeds in him and the right result will follow. They will find their own way, just like we had to. Each of us has an appointed path to walk in life and they are beginning their journey now. Despite how much we quiver inside, they are well equipped for the journey and whatever else is needed will be supplied, sometimes through trial and error, sometimes through sacrifice, sometimes through hurt and pain, but after a while the pathway evens out and there is joy in the journey.
As I read your post, it took me back to when I became a Mom at 17. Surely this was the thought that my son’s mother must have had, but I never realized it until I read your post. I was just a teenager with high hopes and never thought I’d be a teen Mom. I never thought that my sons father didn’t love me. I thought that life would continue the way it had been going and the three of us would live happily everafter. I was so naive.
Shortly thereafter his interest in me waned and I still didnt understand that he was distancing himself from me and my son. He was no longer involved in his life after my son turned two.
So it would be up to me. My parents were supportive even though I knew they were disappointed as well. I finished high school a year later as my father continued to remind me that my child was my first priority. Instead of going to college, I went to work to support us both, but my parents helped me out too, but always underscored the importance of being a responsible parent. They let me see the impact of my choices as I was busy being a mother when all of my friends were enjoying life, college and all the things that you do between 17 and 22. At the point that I had my son is where my pathway in life unfolded for me. The life I had in mind was no more and this was the pathway I would walk, that of being a single mother raising her son, without his father. For years I carried a deep hurt because my son’s father was not in his life and because he was free to live the life he wanted to without any of the responsibility.
Fast forward through all the setbacks, struggle, disappointment, hardship that come with making your way in the world as a single Mom and then I began to see the gifts that I had been blessed with. My awesome son, who is a great father and wonderful husband is my greatest accomplishment. He has exceeded my every expectation as a person and I’m so very proud of him. Having him brought out the best in me. He was fruit that came from my tree, even though he was raised by a single Mom. I now have two wonderful and precious grandchildren that I can lavish love on and receive love back from each day. Through the lessons, insights and saviness I learned and the maturity I gained on this pathway, I was able to leverage that into a successful real estate practice and am now working with women to inspire and empower them to be the woman they were born to be. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that had I NOT been a single parent and gone through all of those experiences, both valley and mountaintop, I would not be the woman I am today.
My life and my son’s life has come full circle. We are incredibly blessed in so many ways. When my son turned 22, his father reached out to him. He had gotten married and his wife urged them to be a family. My son reached back and offered unconditional love to his father. They have a bond now that I never thought would be possible, but the hand of God (through the love of a wonderful woman) stepped in and made it so. She extended her heart and hand to me as well and for the past two years at Christmas, we sat at the same dinner table, as a blended family, with love and laughter.
It was not anywhere in my mind to become a single parent, but I put myself in the position to be one. Did it seem like a mistake at the time? It did. Having lived my life, I know better. My son was a divine gift to me. And so it is with your son.
I know you may have doubts, but also know that you may not know the whole story between them. You are concerned for your son, but also think about how you would process this if it were your daughter instead of your son. Your suspicions may be true or they may not be. The test of time will tell for sure. Take heart in knowing that God is there and will give you comfort. He already knew this was in the cards for your son’s life and you can have hope in knowing that ultimately, we are all in God’s hands so we can trust that the final outcome will only end in good, despite the temporary give and take of life.
You are going to be a grandmother. This is the very best gift you can receive other than your son. The first time you get to hold that little baby and eyes that look like diamonds look up at you, your heart is going to melt. Everything will be right in your world again, regardless of what is going on. You are about to have a comfort that is almost undescribable…God is giving you a gift too! You are going to be OK and so is your son as well as his girfriend. Everything will work out for the good in the end.
Our lives don’t always look like a storybook when we’re moving through it. But looking back over it, we can see the many everyday and extraordinary miracles we experienced that we didnt recognize when they happened. Pick up a pen and journal your way through this. The writing will be insightful and soothing.
Is your son’s life over? No…it is just beginning and it will have a happy ending! Expect the best.
Sending strength and blessings,
Sharmaine
Exquisite.
You know what? My daughter got pregnant at 21 and the father was not involved at all. I cannot tell you the joy my granddaughter has given me. As a family, we all pulled together and helped raise this beautiful little girl. My daughter was in college also, but with family help and support she finished and is doing wonderfully! That was 11 years ago. She has since married a man who is probably one of the best men I have ever had the pleasure to meet and together they now have a baby boy. He is the only “Dad” my granddaugher has ever know. Come on, instead of looking at it like their lives are over, how about a little support. I have never looked at my granddaughter as a “mistake.” She is by far one of the best things to ever happen to me. Why don’t you look at is as a wonderful gift? Their lives are not “over.” Their hopes and dreams will eventually be realized, albeit delayed. I just can’t see how this is such a tragedy.
Sea, no doubt this situation is challenging and will affect all your lives but it needn’t be seen as so wrong and negative. Having a positive attitude to the situation is what will give you strength, and it’s also what will bring out the positive aspects of it. There’s always something good in any situation,no matter how bad it seems initially. Be very positive, look forward happily to the birth of your grandchild, believe without a shadow of doubt that help will always come for all the additional financial needs. Sit the two of them down and talk to them as kindly as possible, let them see the gravity of what their carelessness has caused. Assure them you’ll all pull through it together. Be kind to the girl. She’s a human being afterall, and someone else’s daughter, whether your son loves her or not. She’s the one going through a lot more than anyone.
That your son already has a feeling of responsibility shows he has a good soul. He can still achieve all his dreams. It may be a little delayed. That’s the encouragement you need to constantly give him. Don’t give the child up for adoption. A simple step like that could affect your son psychologically and emotionally for the rest of his life. it may also affect your relationship with each other.
Think of it this way,you will have a beautiful addition to the family in a few month’s time, someone to love, someone to love you as she/he grows older. Who knows, she/he may be the one to really take care of you in your old age, in response to the love you give now.
True, it’s a challenging situation,but it’s not really as ‘bad’ as it seems. Always be positive, take things as they come. Don’t resist. See the good in everything and only good will manifest after the the dark cloud clears.
It may seem like a disaster now, but down the road it may not.
My son dropped out of high school to support his pregnant girl friend. They were breaking up until she discovered she was pregnant. Her mother pushed for abortion, but just the idea of it frightened my son. So he stayed with her and was the child’s primary care giver for her first two years. They eventually married and divorced after a second chiild. But neither of them regret either pregnancy. The children are a delight and joy to all. Both my son and the children’s mother have remarried, are cooperating in raising their two girls, and each have more children with their new spouses.
My son and the first wife are both college graduates now. She is an RN. He is nearly finished with an M.S. in Information Security and plans to follow that with a PhD.
The unplanned out of wedlock child DID NOT ruin their lives. She focused their lives as nothing else could have. And the grandmother who pushed for abortion? She’s so much in love with her grandchildren that she can’t imagine having ever suggested such a thing.
So catch your breathe and relax. It may all turn out okay. And much will depend on your support. Try not to burn bridges. You may just be rewarded with the perfect grandchild.
Your son hasn’t been diagnosed with a terminal illness! His life is NOT over. And neither is yours.
My husband also became a father at the age of 20, as the result of an accidental pregnancy. He married the girl, but they divorced 3 years later. He was forced to give up his daughter when his ex-wife remarried, and her new husband adopted the child. When his daughter turned 18, she came and found him. That was 32 years ago, and my husband’s daughter, her husband, and their two children are the light of our lives.
Life happens to all of us when we are making other plans. It’s not what happens to you that counts, it’s what you do with what happens to you. Instead of being heartbroken about what you THINK you have lost, you can change your life – and the lives of your son and future grandchild – by accepting with grace, joy and faith what you have been given. It’s a blessing if you allow it to be.
My sister – who’s life DID end at the age of 26 – gave me a legacy I’m passing on to you here…it applies in all cases when life takes you in unexpected directions:
THE FIVE PILLARS OF PAM’S LEGACY
What I learned from my sister about life, and overcoming…
WE CAN’T CONTROL LIFE BY BEING AFRAID OF IT
So often we make our decisions from a place of fear. Fear separates us from our abilities. It does not protect us, nor will it alter an outcome. Being afraid is natural, but acting out of fear is not the same as using your survival instinct. When we choose to move forward despite our fear, our abilities are empowered, our faith is restored, and our hopes are renewed.
THE ONLY TRUE POWER WE HAVE IS THE POWER TO CHOOSE
When we cannot change what life sets before us we are challenged to change ourselves. Remember that we are defined by our possibilities, not our circumstances. At any given moment we can choose despair or hope, revenge or forgiveness, fear or faith. The choice is always ours to make, and therein lies our power.
JOY IS POSSIBLE EVERY DAY – NO MATTER WHAT
No matter what our circumstances, if we take the chance and opportunity of seeking out beauty in the world around us, there are moments in every day that can be treasured. These moments of joy may be small, but they are powerful. If you can’t find the beauty and joy in your day, create it.
THERE’S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GIVING UP AND SURRENDER
Giving up is an act of anger or despair. It implies there’s still some fight left, some unfinished business to complete. Surrender is a release, a letting go. There is peace and contentment in knowing there is nothing more to give, or receive. Surrender can only be accomplished with forgiveness and love.
NEVER GIVE UP!
Become a Warrior on behalf of your own life!
Copyright 2008 Heather Summerhayes Cariou
Sixtyfive Roses: A Sister’s Memoir
http://www.sixtyfiverosesthebook.com
what does your son wants to do and his ex girlfriend,
As I read this, I am holding my one month old grandson on my shoulder. I was in your shoes just last year. My son was only 19, in college, and in a 4 month relationship with a Japanese exchange student. And of course, no maternity insurance. Add all that to the mix, plus she barely spoke English. I won’t go on and on with all the details, although I will tell you it was crushing and excruciating as they vacillated back and forth for weeks over what to do.
They eventually decided to keep the baby, and For Aya to stay in the US, which meant marriage and green cards and no choice but Medi-cal because no other insurance would take her. It wasn’t easy. We wanted the kids to stay in college so we let them live with us. They married on Valentine’s Day. Their beautiful healthy son was born on June 1st.
Here we are, after the fact, in Heaven with this little precious boy, who has just begun to smile. None of us could imagine our lives without him. Will my son and his wife make it in the long haul? Who knows? Whether you marry at nineteen or forty, you don’t know what the future holds. You do your best.
But every child is a blessing. Your son will learn to love with his whole heart, the way you did when you first held him. All of life’s greatest blessings are unexpected. So hold on tight my friend, have faith, and try to enjoy the journey.
I have written many blogs about my kooky blended family, if you ever want to read them I’m at hollyedexter.blogspot.com
May your family be blessed.
Hollye Dexter
My son also found himself preparing to be a Dad unexpectedly at age 20. It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to him. That child is now 5 and they just had a second baby last week. He followed his dream of becoming an audio engineer, but his greatest love is being a father. Both families helped them when they needed it and, of course, there were a few rough patches along the way. I hope things work out for your son as nicely as they did with mine.
Blessings to you! I just came back from seeing my new granddaughter in Texas. Both my son and his girlfriend were 19 when she got pregnant. She supposedly was on birth control pills for ovarian cysts (like her mother), but she got pregnant anyway. She’d mentioned to my other son months ago that “her goal in life was to be a mother”. By the time I could get to TX from KS and have that discussion, we discovered she was already pregnant when I got there. Soooo….my ex and I decided to have a paternity test done for legal reasons, i.e. wills, etc. I was devastated for all the reasons mentioned above. My son is bright, thoughtful, considerate, etc. He’s also in love. Of course, there’s no way to tell if this is going to last. He’s working two jobs and she’s not working at all. They live in a tiny duplex and can barely pay rent. I am sick, but they knew what they were doing…and they are ecstatic with the baby. They are very attentive to her and attend to her needs.
No need for the paternity test as she’s my son all over again. Given that, how do you address the reality that if they get married, my son loses all of his medical benefits that he otherwise would have gotten through his dad until he’s 26? It’s a very tough call. You worry about them, you help them out as much as you can, but in the end, they are adults who made adult decisions. And as we all know, there are consequences to every decision. My heart goes out to you and I hope you get some resolution.
As for me, after holding my granddaughter, the angst left and I realized that she truly was a gift–regardless of how or why she came into this world. She’s an angel and angels come from God. I trust He has a plan for her. Best Wishes.
Dear Sea~ Of course you are hearbroken. It seems to come with the turf when we are parents, and our older children (in particular) do not conduct themselves as we believe they should. I am a fairly recent widow, and have just become a grandmother for the first time, to a baby girl who is tiny, healthy and perfect on every way. Why is she a miracle? Because my beautiful and talented 24 year old daughter, who was raised in a comfortable home by caring parents, both professionals, chose the path to life on the street, heroin addiction, prostitution , disconnection from the family; you name it. Our hearts were indeed broken. When we thought it was impossible for them to be SHATTERED, she told us she was pregnant. Now THIS was a disaster, as we knew for a fact she was using when she conceived. To our amazement, the father of the child took steps to get her to a doctor and off the street. He’s 22, just a working Joe without the advantage of a college eduation, but to his credit, he stood by our daughter. He wanted the baby. Although they considerd both adoption and abortion(the latter largely because of her high risk condition and AWFUL social history), they opted to have the baby. My daughter went to an addiction recovery program and is receiving methadone as part of her therapy. Sea, I cannot tell you how great was the panic and fear I felt during her pregnancy. To say I was TERRIFIED for that baby is not an understatement. I convinced myself I would have nothing to do with them or the baby. Although she came into this world 6 weeks early, my granddaughter was born HEALTHY! Her delivery in hospital was natural, and ironically, DRUG FREE! When my daughter was tested post-partum , she too was clean, which proved to me that she was not lying when she told me she had stopped using and was serious about recovery. My daughter (who incidentally had completed college before she chose the pathway to hell) and her partner have rented a small apartment not too far from his father’s home, in a town close to ours. My daughter has availed herself of ALL the assistance she was offered such as public health nurse visits, well baby program, parenting clinics and the like, all the while continuing her addiction recovery program with the support of her partner. I do not know this young man’s family well. l I have met his father on a few occasions. His mother died in his youth. But his father, a rough-hewn type, told me when he learned of the pregnancy, that he told his son to take responsibility for his actions. He is a doting father; my daughter strives to be a good mother; it’s obvious she loves the baby and cares for her well. I am sure the road ahead will be a challenging one. As for me, I really felt they should NOT keep the baby. But you know what? I will share with you the first thought that came into my mind when I looked at that precious tiny shild sleeping so peacefully. My hear burst with love for her, and I thought, “You perfect, darling child – YOU are not responsible fot the actions of your mother (or father). I am your Grandmother, and I will love you and help care for and guide you as long as I am alive.” When the doctors told me she would NOT need to be treated for addiction at birth, and I learned that there would be no apprehension by child welfare agencies, I just felt like someone lifted a cement block of tension off my shoulders. Sea, you will get all kinds of advice (and judgement too, I’ve noticed) on this site. I just wanted to share our family’s difficult story so you would know that you are not alone and that somehow circumstances have a way of working themselves out. We may detest the choices our adult and young adult children make, but we cannot control them. Really all you can do is offer your son (and this young woman if that will be the case) your support in whatever decision they make regarding the baby. I will remember you in my preyers, and as you to remember that nothing is surer than change. As humans, we have neither the knowledge or the control to know how our destinies or that of our children will unfold. I wish you peace and strength of heart.
I understand you are sad that your son has gotten himself into a life altering situation. In all my years, I have not seen a baby that does not bless the lives of those who welcome that baby…I have even seen cases like this one where the two young people do not love each other…and the grand parents have had a part in caring for the child…or there are many people out there who would be profoundly blessed to be able to adopt this precious baby…It will be untimately the couples decision…My prayer is that the give baby life and then decide…My prayers go with you all…Janice
Last time I checked, 20 and 21 were adults. She trapped him but good!! Maybe if he weren’t such a nice guy, she would think twice about keeping the kid. First trimester abortions run about $250 - a heckuva bargain when you consider the alternative lifetime cost and mental hardship on a clearly unwanted child…
HAAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THEE FACT IT IS YOUR GANDCHILD. WE HAD A SIMILAR SITUATION. AAAND I BLESS THE DDAAY MY GRANDSON WASSS BORN. HEE IS EVERY THING TO ME. JUST A JOY!! I CAN’T IMAGINE NOT HAAVING HIM IN MY LIFE.
Oh please! kid decisions based on the price of an abortion? No deposit no return? They should have thought of the “clearly unwanted” before they clearly hopped in bed.
Our family had the same problem, but that girl had another boyfriend older than my son and she never came back with my son, he cried for her beloved girlfriend, he went to therapy and was so worried but she took a decision alone, she was rich and my son did not have a job he was a student, so sad but he finished school, and she went abroad to study, I tell him I could take care of both, but it seems the baby do not belong to my son. If the baby was his, I would have embrace them all, but my son was a fool for her, and all of his classmates told him, that she had another long lasting relationship, but my son and that girl never ask me what can I do to advice them, but it was his and her decision, he was worried that this girl could have an abortion, and I think she deceided to finish that pregnancy, my heart was broken, nowadays she is a happy married women, and my son finish his studies.
You must respect your son and girlfriend decision, they have an adult problem, but you must wait until they have deceided what to do, then as a mother respect your son decision, it does not matter he does not love her, it is about integrity, perhaps that girl wants to marry him, who knows, best wishes
In 1973, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I was 20 and her daddy was 19. We married and had one more daughter and 10 wonderful years together before he was killed on his bike. I managed to still get my BA, work in the field of my choice and continue today to have a wonderful life. My daughters have blessed me with 4 darling grandchildren and I am so glad that I did not take my mother’s suggestion of abortion or adoption, she is too. Let your children know that you will stand by them as they make their choices.
We as a society need to shift our attitudes in order to make progress and evolve. We need some traditions of the past, modified, to help us.
There was a time when all babies were welcome, and everyone in the village or tribe assisted in the care and upbringing. This allowed parents to enjoy their lives and raise healthy happy chilidren. It also kept crime, poverty, and violence at a minimum.
I invented a word for this situation: freesponsibility. It requires creativity and cooperation.
Creativity, I’ve learned as a bodyworker, flwos from the shoulderblades. Each person should, in a conscious manner and frerquenly, drop our shoulders and keep them away from our ears, drink water, take deep and purposeful breaths, stretch, and engage in self-care for preventive maintenance.,
Resentment creates acid in the body that makes us age faster and die younger. I learned this yesterday on a Jack Canfield tele-training.
A lot of peoples’ lives are improved by the birth, however unplanned, of a young human. Attitude makes all the difference.
Dear SEA,
It is 19 years ago I felt this deep sense of doom in the pit of my stomach when my then 17year old little girl told me she was pregnant. I believed with my whole heart her life was over, any hope of finishing school and her youthful dreams were done.
She never married the baby’s daddy, but they did remain friends…still to this day.I am proud to say they both stepped up and shared the responsibility together and they both finished school and are now in rewarding careers. My beautiful grandaughter is well adjusted and just finished her first year of university!
We often see the dificulties ahead of our children, because we know what they will have to bear. they are young and it is so much easier to put one foot in front of the other at that young age…miracles can happen. Please encourage your son to stay on track with his education dreams,( don’t settle) he will be a better daddy when he feels capable and strong himself.
best wishes always…laurel
Those were my exact feelings when I found out my son and his girlfriend. I cried when he gave up his basketball scholarship to join the Navy so he could provide for his baby. I was hurt for the life changing decision he made. He works 12 hr days and doesn’t play ball any more. She lives with her parents and uses the child support for the baby, who has the finest of things and for herself which is right. He chose to send her $600 over the Navy’s allotted amount. He is depressed all the time because he knows she is cheating and partying while he is on the ship. Yes his life is very changed.
Please read the book’THE GIRLS WHO WENT AWAY’ by ANN FESSLER As women we have been dooped into blaming the female for pregnancy, blame the female if a couple can’t get pregnant, it goes on and on. I believe as a mother your role is to be supportive and non judgemental.you have already raised your son. His chooses are really none of your business. I notice that many women who responded to this conversation get mad if anyone disagrees or has an opinion that may seem negitive or different then yours. This mother is looking for conversation and opinions. One thing we all know as fact, her son is an adult. As an adult we make decisions that shape our life. This pregnant female is also an adult. The decisions are theirs. It is her body. It is up to her if she wants to have an abortion or keep the baby. Your son already made his decision when he had sex with no protection. You think bot going away to college and getting a job is a more difficult challenge then the changes and decisions that this young woman will have to make???come on. Men can go on with life. His body is not stretched out, his hormones are not going to go crazy, please woman, listen to youselves.support both of these young adults by minding your own business.
I am so glad you brought this up sobeit (good choice of name). I took gender studies at university (wish they would change the name because men never took the classes), but, one of the articles I read hit me deeply as a mother and as a woman.
The article was called “Mother Blame”, which I just typed into google and so many articles came up I could not find the one I am referring to. Historically, mother’s are given, without choice, the blame for everything from a deviant child’s behaviour (likely as not for quitting breast feeding too earlier or some such excuse) to this very real life story. The sad thing is, this concept is so embedded into our thinking, that, when we listen to the feedback on this (including my own earlier) we blame “mom” for all that ails.
No one names this poor woman who is suffering more then her son because she has decisions, as does he, but her hormonal and physical changes are life altering. Has anyone asked, “this girl” who is pregnant, and yes as responsible, but did not get pregnant alone, how she feels. Paternity tests, assume a “badness” on her part but what was going on in the relationship that she felt she needed to turn to someone else for love? If the child turns out troublesome, who is going to get blamed, aleady is in fact.
Even the women contributing on VN, who had children while in high school, blame this woman, likely because you still have unresolved feelings and are made to feel guilty, as a single parent, who could not provide enough material goods.
Guess who got blamed when my son died (see my earlier submission)? Yup, me, even tho is father was directly responsible for my son’s death, I should not have allowed my 17 year old to visit his dad that day.
It never stops. It is interesting how mother blame was established so early in our society and despite years of feminist thinking, we ourselves, as women, perpetuate they myth.
I have not read this book, but, I surely will. I am 55 yrs old. If girls from my generation were pregnant, they mysteriously disappeared, for about 9 months, only to return home marked as a Scarlet Woman and never to see their babies again, in most cases.
Perhaps, this woman’s mom would kindly write in and give us the other side. How “their” family is feeling and how their daughter is the culprit in this entire, life altering even.
How interesting what a nerve this topic has hit. I shared my story below (or above, as the case may be), but wanted to add that I wholeheartedly agree with those of you who advocate being as supportive and non-judgmental as possible of each party involved, including SEA. I also side with those of you who believe that all options, including abortion should be discussed, though I recognize that even that is a personal choice.
As I mentioned to Sea in an earlier response, I too am facing this same situation right now. However, my son is 31 and his gf 30. They had only been dating about six months (on and off). She was on the pill….he broke up with her because there were some issues that he was struggling with about her life choices. She hadn’t gone to college, had credit card debt yet no problem still shopping and adding to it. My son is very aware of saving money and not having debt. She also had dated another guy on and off during this relationship. Anyway, a couple of weeks after they broke up (they still hung out as friends) she found out she was pregnant. My son’s first thought was termination for many obvious reasons. They were not a strong couple in their relationship, she isn’t in a good position to support herself, he is in a job that he hates and was even considering moving to another state. I do know that he does care very much for her and sees many wonderful qualities in her. I also think sometimes todays young adults are looking for PERFECTION…it does not exist. Anyway, I also talked to her about all the ramifications depending on each of her choices…abortion, adoption, keeping the baby. In the end, she wants to have it. So…with that decision, I decided for the sake of all involved, my husband and I have to be 100% supporitve and positive. I care a lot for this girl and yet I am not pushing my son to marry her at this time. They have decided to live together, see how they fit as a couple. My son knows and is completely willing to be an involved and finacially supportive dad. She is a little over 4 months along now. It has not been easy for her…really sick and exhausted but now is coming into that time where she feels better and not as cranky. She does not have any real emotional support from her parents and has had issues for many years with them. I see a young woman who wants to be loved and accepted. My daughter who is a couple of years older than the gf has two little kids and has been very open with talking to the gf and offered a lot of her baby “stuff” to help them out. I have tried to be open with her, helpful and just sharing stories and thoughts about being a mom and going thru a pregnancy…the highs and lows of it all. She is very receptive of our affection and concern. HOWEVER…I think there is part of her that feels terrible that it isn’t her own mom doing this for her so as much as she wants this from us, she maybe even feels a bit guilty for letting us get close. Does that make sense? I am a very outgoing, chatty, affectionate person so it is easy for me to open up to her. From what I can gather thru a couple of conversations with my son, I think she is also embarrassed that we might think her family is awful for being so distanced from her. I just want to ease the way for both her and my son. At the end of the day..the bottom line is that she is going to be the mother of my grandbaby and even if she and my son decide the relationship between them is not strong enough for marriage, she will always be part of our lives. I do feel that I am walking a very fine line and am just feeling my way on all of this. I feel so lucky to have supportive friends and all my new friends at VN to listen and not judge the situation. To Sea….hang in there…as many of the other gals have said…no matter what…you are going to have a beautiful grandbaby to love and will be a very important person in that child’s life. We all need to accept that our kids are grown and we can’t CONTROL them anymore…control in the way of protecting them. They have to figure it out for themselves. I know …a bit easier for me to say since my son is so much older but even with that…we still want to protect our babies…no matter how old they are!
To SEA…..Just finished vacation with my son 5 mins ago….and found this in my VN mail. My now 42 yr old son was conceived in my high school senior yr., I was unprepared and unwed. He had no male role models growing up, but several little grannies who loved him unconditionally. We were very poor, and he had nothing material that babies today have for comfort. He did have an incredible drive to succeed in all he was given to do. His birth brought together two families forever….both shared and loved and watched him grow. Today he is a self made millionaire, and says he made that decision to work hard as a child in poverty. He now gives back so much to us in time , attention, and caring, and is so generous supplying whatever needs he sees that we have. Each of us has our own destiny. We cannot control nor change that. My family never dreamed that the boy who won the ‘holiest sneaker’ contest would someday run a corporation of 5000 and travel the world over many times. Babies are such ultimate joy. When you first hold that tiny hand, your heart will melt. Grandma’s have a special role, to read, and cuddle, and guide without having to be the disciplinarian….or the one giving 2am feedings. Those days of my little ones I miss dearly, but it is now their babies that give me that joy all over once again. What may appear to be a worry and a sad time right now, could just be the greatest thing ever….attitude’s change when that baby shows up. My daughter had her first, then the marriage fell apart, so she returned to college, I babysat, and she now teaches and has summers off with her kids….it all works out better than any plans I could have forseen. I simply ask God to be with them, and he takes my worry away replacing it with joy and wonder watching those little people grow into their own destiny.
you are a very special woman. What you did was no easy task 42 years ago. You must have had a loving supportive family. It was not so with many young girls back then. I just finished a book called,’the girls who went away’ by Ann Fessler. A most amazing history of what we all went thru in a time when there were precious little choises. I wish the younger generation woudl all read it because they just do not know…….You are a lucky woman….I envy you…..
Something that is amazing with all of the responses to this situation and all of the people that are dealing with something simular happening to them, is that no one seems to be using condoms. I would be scared to death to be having unprotected sex with some one that I was not in a totally committed relationship with. AIDS and herpies are real. Life altering deseases that are direct results from unprotected sex. I know every one thinks “that” will not happen to them. The lady is on the pill so we should be OK. Well the pill is NOT 100% and maybe adding condoms to the mix would help. Not only to help reduce unwanted pregnancies but to slow down the rise of STDs. These are all young adults and are responsible for their own actions. Yes they are still our babies and we all only want them to be happy and to have a life better than we had but as we see, we can’t live life for them. We can teach and preach but in the end, it comes down the their decission. Everyone is then forced to life with the consequences of their actions. The baby is the innocent in this. So we get over it and move on and love this child unconditionally. They may grow up to be the next multi milllionaire or the next dead beat dad. We never know what decissions they will make.
WE CAN HELP FORM THEM TO MAKE GOOD DECISSIONS THOUGH. THEY LEARN WHAT THEY ARE TAUGHT AT HOME MORE THAN ANY OTHER PLACE. IF THEY SEE DAD BEAT MOM EXPECT THAT FROM THEM AS THEY GET OLDER… EVERYTHING THEY SEE IS A LIFE LESSON. IT IS STILL YOUR GRANDCHILD. EMBRACE YOUR BLOOD AND HELP MAKE SURE HE OR SHE HAS WHAT THEY NEED TO SUCCEED
Sea…..What is going on now? Have the many comments on this blog helped you at all? Have there been any decisions made with the young adults(your son and his girlfriend)? I am anxious to hear from you and how you are feeling now that weeks have passed and you have had time to think about the situation for awhile. I hope you are feeling better.
Hi. I am just now getting back on here and reading the posts. I got so many wonderful letters of support and understanding but the negative ones made me wonder what I was thinking when I posted to begin with. Anyway…My son decided to put on a good face, and move forard to create a “family”. I offered to let them all move in with me while they finished school and needed help and support. The girls mom agreed with me that the child was #1 and education #2 – or so she said. She then went out apartment shopping with her daughter, leased an apartment and let my son know after the fact. The mom then went out and got him an interview for a full time job, in addition to the part time one he already had found so that he could support her daughter, the baby and be a man. He still was thinking they could make it work, so moved in with her to create their “family”. He cooked dinner, which she would never share with him, barely spoke to him and made his life hell. He finally said he had to move out to try to improve their relationship. She then told him to get all his things out, that she didn’t love him, she’d see him in court for child support and he’d be lucky to ever see “her child”. So, he came home, clothes in a garbage bag and totally heartbroken..again. He has since decided that he’s going to put his focus back on college for the fall semester (baby not due til Feb), try to save money and when the time comes be the best dad he can be given he’s given the opportunity. He will fight for that if he has to. So…we will see. Thank you so much for caring and for your support and thank you to all of you out there that have also supported me. I was not asking for anyone to tell me how wonderful my son was or how awful she was. I was only sad, wanting somewhere to share my feelings and mostly just try to figure out what to do next. I love my son and I know I’ll love my grandchild. There was never any question of that although to read some of the posts I am a monster who created a monster who should have his penis cut off so he would quit breeding like an animal. Not sure I deserved stuff like that and I KNOW my son didn’t. Noone knows him and for him to be judged on here, when I posted made me sick. Anyway…I thought I would get back on and am glad I did because I have read many, many posts, including yours, that have helped me a lot. Thank you again… Sue
hi sea ,this is the very thing I said could happen early on when you said they need to get a paternity test .I knew she would use that baby as a wedge either between you and now your son.my son wife did that with their daughter out of spite and my son just backed off and let her go her way with the baby and after some time she came running back when motherhood alone was getting to hard of coarse he didnt except her back but resumed a beautiful relationship with his daughter.Maybe this girl is treating your son like dirt because she knows the baby isnt his and is just tolerating him because she has no one else to put the responsibility on,or isnt sure of the father and the stress of that is showing.better for your son to be away from her if like this now shell be a total monster when the baby comes.just both of you leave her alone go back to life as usual and let your son go to colledge as planned and forget about her for now,when the baby comes do the test and either way be done with her.if he chooses see his child and be done with her.he will florish with out her in spite of this bump in the road.god bless your son .
I know it is hard now because the picture that you and your son had pictured for his life has been altered.
Now you must paint a new picture because the road has been altered… maybe not in a bad way, just altered.
If this child is given up for adoption, all involved will regret it. A child mends hearts and lives. Your son and his
girlfriend should marry for the sake of the child. Things like this happen for a reason. Just trust God that he knows
what he is doing. God is in control of everything in our lives. We don’t understand it, but then we were never meant
to understand God’s ways. How can we? God is so awesome. Give your heart to God and let him lead the way for
you and your son. Try not to worry. Worry does not help anything, just prayer. Pray together as a family. He will
know what he should do and he will have peace in his heart, as you all will. Do the right thing. The parents are
responsible for this child coming into the world and they should be the ones to make this right. That’s all I can say.
God be with you and your son.
Your sister in Christ Jesus
Kaye
Dear Kaye; I’m sure you get great comfort from your belief in your God, but does that belief also relieve you of personal responsibility in your llife? You are telling this young couple that adoption should not be there choice and that they need to marry for the sake of the child. My guess is that abortion is not anywhere on your radar screen. When did God speak directly too you about abortion, adoption, or marriage? The old and new testaments do not address these topics so you can’t be getting your opinions from those texts. My point is that your belief that God takes care of everything may not be what this couple believes.
Dear LaterDater: Yes, my Christian belief means everything to me. Of course it does not relieve me of any personal responsibility!! Leaning on one’s faith and asking God for guidance in the life of someone you love is the ultimate in personal responsibility! I am not telling this young couple NOT to have an abortion, I am just saying that my experience (and I am old) tells me that when a child is aborted, most generally people do have regrets later on in life for various reasons. I would hate for that to happen. I care. I wish this young couple and SEA every happiness and success in their lives …..
Maybe they are not Christians now, but may be later in life. Most all Christians believe that all life comes from God and abortion is the killing of that life. One can find most answers about life in the Ten Commandments located in the New Testament of the Holy Bible (King James version). If you don’t know Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior then you can’t know his teachings. God, thru his son Jesus speaks to me most everyday. I keep my heart open and try to follow what I believe to be true and ask myself “What would Jesus do”? What would Jesus have ME do in this situation? Sometimes the answer is simply “follow your heart”. Do what you think is right, as best you can. That is all I can advise this young couple and SEA, bless her heart. I am a mother also and I can only imagine how I would feel if I were in her situation. It is sad that their plans have to change yes, but like I said earlier, that may not necessarily be a bad thing. It may be God’s will. Have you ever thought of that? I believe that everything happens for a reason. A preacher told me one time that everything that happens to us is to make us more like Jesus. I believe that.
If they do not believe in God, then I would just advise them to do the best they can and do whatever they think they can live with. It is their lives and their responsibility. I might add though, in being young however, we sometimes can’t see the future. The human brain is not fully mature until the age of 21. We somehow can’t match the action with the consequences, if you know what I mean. We all need guidance in our lives, at any age. Life is just hard. Sometimes things happen to us that test our soul and we just don’t know what the right course would be, only God knows. Thank you for responding.
Your friend,
Kaye
The relationship he has with her is not one in which I would ever want my grandchild to be a part of. He can do no right in her eyes and treats him like dirt. I thought at first also that maybe they could make it work. He wanted more than anything to make it work. He tried. So, he will be a dad, not a husband and I am just hoping they can be friends at this point, for the sake of the baby and both act in the best interest of the baby…
I completely understand. My 22 yr old son just told me the same thing…only his girlfriend is 32 and feels she is ready for this. They have only been dating for three months. Sadness fills my heart for him because it is just so much responsibility. But he did have an active part in this and should have been more careful…I have turned to my faith and have been praying and praying for them. If the relationship is meant to be – then great! But they will always have to parent together no matter where their romantic relationship goes…bottom line – its not the baby’s fault and they will have to find a way to make it work. Easier said then done…but we, as future grandmothers, should do all we can to help the baby feel loved forever. That is really all that is within our own control. Good luck! God bless you and your family.
Lovin life..go check out my bio. I posted a very similar situation several months ago and just updated it. You will see how things are going for us and also hear some wonderful advice from our VN sisters. Good luck with everything…I truly understand all of the emotions you are dealing with.