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My sex life with my husband is over. Most Liked Hot Conversation

I’ve been married for 24 years, and my husband and I haven’t had sex in 5 years. He has completely lost interest. It’s psychological, because he does wake in the morning with erections. He also says he masturbates, so he still has a sex drive. I think he’s not interested in me, he doesn’t find me sexy like he used to. I’m 53 years old, and even though I try to take care of myself, I’m not 23 anymore. I’m sad that intimacy is no longer a part of our relationship, and now it feels more like a roommate relationship rather than husband and wife. Should I stick with him? I often think of leaving. Living like this feels wrong. It’s a lie, a marriage without sex.

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Posted in family & relationships, love & sex.

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32 Responses

  1. Alicia Alicia says

    only you can make that decision.  Perhaps go to counseling for yourself to help make  a decision on what to do,

    2 like

  2. Generic Image RamblinRedhead says

    I think there are a lot of marriages like yours, more than you realize.  And even in the ones where there still is sex, it is not always fireworks, and bells ringing.  That’s mostly on tv and in the movies.

    Also, your husband could be still doing what he’s doing, and yet have a genuine physical problem with the actual sex act.  Many men are too embarassed to talk about it.  I know our sex life has become much less frequent, and when it happens, it is all over so much faster than it ever used to be, and then my husband doesn’t seem to want to try again for a long time.  Nor does he want to talk about it. So we are headed to where you are, probably.

    Like you, I have taken care of myself and still think I am attractive, but know I’m not the firm young thing I used to be.  But I DO NOT blame this for things going downhill.  I guess I’m just resigned to it. I have my own little private battery operated way to deal with the lack of fun.  I also flirt a bit in harmless situations, for the first time in my life.  I suppose some would think this would increase my likelihood of an affair, but I’m not the type.  My idea of flirting is very mild, and totally harmless, and it reassures me that this “dry spell” is not my fault.

    I do not consider our marriage a lie, and while I can’t say I am thrilled with the imbalance between us at this point, I try to give him the benefit of the doubt.  He’s no young stud any more, either, and I think he’s scared of failure, or of losing his mojo, or whatever.

    I don’t know where this will all lead, for us.  Some marriages don’t survive a lack of physical intimacy.  But ours still has a lot of intimacy in most other areas of life, and I try to focus on that.  I don’t think that’s living a lie, and at least at this point in life, it is enough for me.  Perhaps it isn’t for you, but I think if there was an honest account of frequency and quality of sex in most longer relationships, you would find that a shocking number are not much better than yours or mine. 

    Each of us has different needs, and different ways of dealing – I hope you can find the right and best way for you.  But I don’t think you should be looking for anyone to blame at this point – either your body, or him, or whatever.   I sense anger and frustration, and those usually don’t help with resolving any issue between a husband and wife.  I also don’t like my marriage being pronounced a lie, because of where we happen to be right now.  I totally don’t agree with your closing statement.

    18 like

    • Generic Image Roadrunner says

      Be careful anonymous, my husband and I quit having sex over a year ago and I was always asking if it was me and of course he said his testosterone levels were low.  He had gotten a physical, he was fine.
      Then he decided he didn’t want to be married any longer. 
      Don’t believe everything he is telling you.  I never thought my husband would ever lie and he has and I don’t know for how many years.

      There is more to it than he’s telling you.  Keep pressing him and he will eventually come clean.

      Sorry to be so negative, but if I would have pushed him maybe we wouldn’t be going through a divorce right now.

      Good Luck

      10 like

  3. Generic Image Linda says

    This seems to be the norm from what I’m getting from friends. My husband is twelve years older and the great divide has gone from almost nothing to the Grand Canyon. Meaning the age difference wasn’t an issue when we married 24 years ago. Now it’s huge. We haven’t been intimate in any way for over a decade. No sex. No touching. No kissing. Nothing. No communication. It stinks. He just wants to be left alone. So I pretty much do. I moved out of the bedroom years ago because I felt rejected. He watches his sports in one room, I’m in another. He has never sat down to watch a movie with me. It’s a lonely barren life. Sometimes I don’t think I can take it anymore. Other times I rationalize that I have a roof over my head and I do pretty much whatever I want, as long as I don’t change anything in the house…..which is another post. He just turned 70 and in not great health. I’m waiting for him to exit this life. Sounds dreadful I know. I know a number of women waiti g for the same thing. Sad, eh? Oh, I’d have been out of here years ago had I the means. Both our kids just left the nest last fall although they’re back for the summer. We had them late in life. And I promised my son I’d stay until he got out of high school, which was a year ago. I feel trapped and unable to start over financially at almost 58 years old.

    6 like

    • Alicia Alicia says

      Linda, Sweetie:  I got a divorce at at e 60 (now 65).  You may feel trapped, but perhaps you arent….if you want to be free, you can always look into that.
       
      Hugs, Alice

      4 like

    • Generic Image lost2 says

      I also started late in life, 47 with a 7 year  old boy who idolizes his dad, married for 22 years. my husband has anger issues, not physical but verbal. i started a new career in the health field and love it and i think i could financially make it, but i dontknow how my son would handle it very confused input would be great

      1 like

      • Generic Image Anonymous says

        I know what u mean I am there lost and don’t care anymore, he is mean anger issues drinks, smokes pot gained 60 lbs. Who wants that not me!

        5 like

      • Generic Image johnste says

        If he’s 7 and idolizes his dad, remember that he may end up duplicating his dad’s marriage.  You can live apart from his father while still supporting his strong relationship with his dad. And he’ll eventually figure out – as a young adult, probably – what was missing. I strongly believe separated parents should NEVER badmouth each other. Kids know, or they don’t WANT to admit what they know. The ‘anger issues’ seems to mean to me that your husband is taking our his frustrations in life on you.  Anger is self-indulgent, and ego-focused.  You are teaching your son, inadvertently, that your needs take second place to your husband’s ‘right’ to be angry.  Maybe a separation will lead to counseling and your husband’s improvement. Maybe it won’t, and it will mean a divorce.  But you and your son will be better off.

        2 like

  4. watermusic watermusic says

    I was married to someone who was 13 years older than me and we went through the same thing when I was 30. Only he was mean about why we weren’t having sex. Then one night after he rejected me again and told me that he didn’t want sex because I was too demanding I woke up and went into the living room and found him masturbating to porn show.   I know women who live like that. I couldn’t do it.  
    It’s never too late to live the life you want. You do have options, although I don’t know what they are. Counseling is a good place to start. Good luck.

    6 like

  5. Generic Image Karen27 says

    Hi Anon, sorry to hear about your situation.  First, let me say that I haven’t been in your situation so I cannot speak from any experience as the other posters have but I’ll share a few thoughts – and please understand these are not to make you feel badly or fearful, a truthful forum always shares different points of view.  Knowledge is power.

    Most men – unless they truly do have a physical illness or very low testosterone – do continue to want sex, even as they age.  (Oh heavens, some of the randiest men I’ve met have been over 55.)   While I don’t know what your very personal situation is or what is going on in your relationship, only you can decide if this is the kind of marriage you want to be in, assuming it doesn’t change.  That’s a highly personal choice, with no “right” or “wrong” choice.

    I will share something of interest perhaps:  A few years ago I worked with this man who was in his early 50′s.  For some reason, he liked to talk to me about his life and problems (we only had a platonic relationship, nothing more, no hint or desire for anything) and we sort of developed an odd confidante relationship.  He had been married at the time for 20 years and told me he stopped having sex with his wife a few years prior.  Now, in his situation I think it was different – he indicated to me that his wife never really cared for sex and when they stopped having it, she didn’t bother to wonder or ask why.  She must have felt either contented or relieved.

    The part of the story I found interesting was this:  He told me that he “loved” his wife, she was a “good woman and great mother” and they saw eye-to-eye on many important life issues and their home, finances.  He was happy with a lot of the aspects of their marriage.  He just never really enjoyed sex with her, so he took up with a woman with whom he was able to have a more fulfilling sexual relationship – no strings attached (or so he said.)

    In a nutshell, he never bothered to resume an active sex life with his wife because his needs were being met outside of the marriage.  As he said to me “I have all my needs met, just with two different women.”  He had no desire whatsoever to divorce his wife.  True story.

    So, while I personally wouldnt’ want to stay in a sexless or intimate-lacking marriage, I can’t talk for others.  

    I like to pose the “lottery question” alot to people, meaning if money were absolutely no object, if you came into a lottery that providing financial security — what would your choice, in your heart, be?  If it’s that I would leave — and I know that’s most certainly easier said than done without money — try to think of ways that would help extricate you from the marriage.  If there’s a part of you that wants to stay with him, wants to find a solution to the problem, then keep probing.  Good luck!

    3 like

  6. Kate Considers Kate Considers says

    This was something I went through with my husband too, but it turned out to be dementia. I wrote a book about this called Dueling With Dementia: Not The Love Story We Planned. Dementia begins with changes in behavior and personality, and sex is a big part of it. Has your husband changed in other ways?

    1 like

  7. Generic Image Dragonfly says

    Believe me, I understand all too well what you’re going through. I was married for more than forty years to a man who stopped wanting sex about half way through our marriage. Unlike some of the others here, he didn’t look at porn, he didn’t have affairs, he just had no interest in sex. Just over 4 years ago he left, saying that we had dysfunctional communication (WTF?) and we have lived apart since then although I filed for divorce in January and hope to be liberated by fall. When the sex first dried up, I would beg him to see a doctor but he refused. So I basically just pushed my desire into a deep, dark place and learned to live without it. For the most part, we had a “comfortable” relationship and did enjoy doing things together outside the bedroom so I just figured it was my lot in life. But once I decided I could not go on being just separated and filed for divorce, I began to date and that inevitably lead to the resumption of sexual activity and oh boy am I glad! I have discovered that I don’t just like sex, I love it. I shudder to think that I might have spent the rest of my life not knowing this and not having the chance to “indulge.” So if you want more than a roommate relationship with your husband and he won’t do anything to make that happen then take care of yourself and get out while you still have time (although really, it’s NEVER too late). Good luck to you, there is a lot of happiness out there if you look for it.

    10 like

    • Cheryl millard Cheryl millard says

      I know exactly how you feel as I am going through the same thing.  I am 53 and my husband works on the mines, so he is away for 4 weeks and home for 1 week.  Our sex life deteriated because of my lack of interest due to change of life.  I could go without sex for the rest of my life but for my hubbie it is a major issue.  In addition I wasmade redundant from my job 10 months ago and cant find a job…….I too am stuck in a situation I can’t change even if I wanted to.

      1 like

  8. Kakou Kakou says

    Have you told him you are still so very attracted to him and want him. That his body still turns you on and you miss it so much. Does he know you feel this way. That you arent after gymnastics these days but you still want a good xxxx with him.

    We all love to know we are still sexy. Lay it on him.

    1 like

  9. Generic Image Terry says

    I am so glad I found this site, I thought I was the only one in a sexless marriage.  I just turned 60 and my husband is 62, we stopped having sex 14 months ago ( we have been together 16 years and never had an active sex life) due to his medication and work schedule.  I love him dearly and he is a good man but I have been going nuts.  I just spend my whole weekend watching porn for the first time in my life and oh how I wish I had found this site before I wasted my time on porn.  To the woman who originally posted this, you have to get fulfilment in life have you tried classes or joining a Meetup club in your area?  You are in my thoughts.

    2 like

  10. Unique One Unique One says

    My feeling is this. Therapy only works on a problem that two people have, when two people go for the therapy. If he has a physical problem, but won’t seek help, then you must think about yourself. Do it now, while you still have some youth – which you still do. Meeting someone later is just going to bring the same type of problem.  You owe it to yourself to try to resolve the problem in any way you can – seek medical advice first because the problem may lie there. But, if all resources are futile, then start thinking about yourself and your needs. Life is too short. You’ll never realize how short it is until it’s too late. Do it now.

    1 like

  11. Generic Image Sandi says

    You are dissatisfied and unhappy with the sexual part of your marriage; that means you need to address this with your husband; this is a normal part of marriage and something abnormal is going on.  Have you asked your spouse why the lack of physical intimacy? He obviously has a sex drive, has a normal functioning body, so has he said he simply has lost his attraction to you? No longer finds you have chemistry together? Wants you to dye your hair? It should be so simple!  Does he think you should just ignore your healthy sex drive? Have an affair? We have not even touched on the emotional intimacy part of sex, what about showing love, sharing each other?  I think you need to have a huge talk with him…what is going on…five years is way too long to have ignored a major part of your marriage! Does he care about any of your needs?

    2 like

  12. Keep Looking Up! Keep Looking Up! says

    I have to agree with “my sisters” above. This is his problem but likely linked to imbalanced hormones causing depression on top of his lack of interest. Women go through menapause, men go through andropause. First off, he needs blood work to see where his levels are, even borderline isn’t enough to let it go. It’s all about FREE T levels and releasing more will increase his energy, endurance, strength and libido. There is an all natural supplement with the purest botanicals from anywhere in the world and is developed in the USA. MDRIVE PLUS can be found online through their website http://www.mddrive.com, Vitamin Shoppe, Duane Reade and on the corporate website, Dreambrands.com.    My friends have given this great product to their husbands and they are happier than ever. wink..wink…  ;)   BTW:  I take their sister product:  ADDLIB. Swear by it for “no crash” energy,endurance in my workout, focus and mood. I challenge you to try it for a month, then stop for 2 weeks and feel the difference yourself. It’s the only way to trust any result!

    1 like

    • Keep Looking Up! Keep Looking Up! says

      CORRECTION:   http://WWW.MDRIVE.COM

      1 like

      • Keep Looking Up! Keep Looking Up! says

        Hey Karen27!  Gotta say I’ve heard almost the same thing from my married guy friends. Kinda disturbing on many levels. So, either they all use the same “excuse” to win sympathy (?), or to gauge a woman’s interest in an affair (?), I’m not convinced the wife would not be upset if she only knew of the conversation. If she is in agreement or perhaps both of them to their “arrangement”, well, all I know is I could not be with someone without emotional and physical intimacy. Even without financial security, I walked. My spirit could not take the feeling of abandonment and wasn’t worth “a roof over my head” that we would never own (he is finanically able but hasn’t paid mortgage since 2009. You can fill in the blanks).  For those men who stay in a marriage for reasons you outlined, well, if they have half a conscious, the guilt will creep in, or maybe not. What I wonder is, what happens when the “other” woman develops an attachment and vice versa. Complicated, eh?

        1 like

    • Generic Image Roadrunner says

      I thought the same was wrong with my husband, he had all the blood work and they found low testosterone.  After about a year and a half he finally had what he called a “melt down”.  After seeking counseling and after years of telling me it was his job that made him so unhappy. 
      The couselor pretty much told him “Maybe it’s not your job, maybe it’s your marriage.”
      Soon after he left and the divorce will be final next month.
      They are too much of a coward to tell you what is really going on, but keep pushing they eventually will break and tell you the truth of why they don’t want to have sex with you.

      3 like

  13. Generic Image PHYLLIS JOY says

    Good points here: what are the physical reasons, what emotional needs are unmet, and intimacy such as talking from the heart or handholding are ways to get insights to a relationship. In my situation, I scheduled him a physical but he refused to get any tests. Then, after two years of no sex which gradually also deteriorated feelings of any intimacy (and acting like roommates)’ I sought out counseling for myself. It was at first, how to live with him, and then moved toward what do I want out of life. It took a long time to see myself beyond the role of wife, mother, etc., and look into my own heart. One day I relized that I felt no joy, and to be honest to my own soul, I needed out of the relationship (other issues going on too).

    1 like

  14. Generic Image PHYLLIS JOY says

    To continue: at some point I faced the fact that my children needed to see that life should be more, and it’s NOT o.k. To accept less than we deserve. Yes, I stayed as long as I possibly could, trying to get at least one of 3 kids into college. When my entire family became dysfunctional, it was well past time to make a change. And did so when there was no money for us! Resources can be found, and unexpected help arrives. Seek professional help for both of you, and especially yourself, get physicals for both which might include anxiety meds, pray pray pray, start cutting budget & prepare to leave if you must.

    5 like

  15. Generic Image ptmatthews says

    In my marriage, I am the one who has lost interest in sex.  This does not mean that I don’t love my husband and we are still affectionate and kiss and hug and hold hands and tell each other we love each other.  Love and sex are not the same thing.  I am 58 and feel that a diminishing interest in sex is perfectly natural for someone my age.

    3 like

  16. Generic Image Karen27 says

    @Phyllis Joy:  I admire your courage and the strength it must have taken to make that tough decision.  I almost always “tune out” when an acquaintance or colleague will start to state “how unhappy she is in her marriage, how unfulfilled, yada yada yada” yet refuses to do anything about it because “why should he get the house” or “why should she forgo the financial comfort she has accumulated within the marriage.”  Life is often about choices.  Something often has to give in order to change things for the better.  It may be a difficult row to hoe or sacrifices have to be made, but it is what it is.

    @RL:  Yeah, I tend to agree with you that men who claim their wives are “okay with a mutual understanding” are usually the ones who “understand the understanding”, not the wife.  But, who knows.  I’ve met too many couples who are involved in marriages that would be considered by society (and often by me) “unconventional” (open, loveless, sexless, financial agreements) to pass judgment or give a valid opinion… I really think it boils down to whatever works.  Tony Robbins, the motivational speaker, often uses the “pain vs. pleasure” principle, meaning we (people in general) tend to view a situation or make a decision based on what will outweigh it – either the pain or the pleasure.  For some, not having financial security is a far greater pain than the pleasure of having affection. 

    As far as whether the “other woman” falls for the guys like the married guy I knew, it happens frequently.  Most of these women, I think, push for an ultimatum to leave their wives, which usually backfires.  My thought always has been …”why would you want a man who cheats on his wife?  To use a Dr. Phil-ism once again, ‘if he’ll do it with ya, he’ll do it to ya.”

    3 like

  17. Unique One Unique One says

    PLEASE go see the movie “Hope Springs”, with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. It’s all about this. It’s a must see. And PLEASE take your partner with you if you can.

    5 like

  18. Generic Image PHYLLIS JOY says

    I wanted to comment on the girlfriends who complain, but don’t appear to take action. Keep listening and keep encouraging if you care for them. There are so many steps to go thru when making this huge life decision to get out of an unfulfilling marriage. I was in denial for years & my friends talked me thru it.

    Help by giving resources: a good gyn to clarify menopause & or chemical deficiency/physical issues, a financial planner who may be able to find out where some of the assets might be (especially those married A longk time — look for retirement money), and get her some consultations with diff. Attorneys. Even go with her & hold her hand but let her figure out what she wants her life to look like.
    And while it may appear that a friend isn’t making steps forward, one never knows what her thoughts are when alone, and in the middle of the night when we all want comfort!

    0 like

  19. Generic Image PHYLLIS JOY says

    I also wanted to comment on talking with others.
    Talking with girlfriends is a good place to start. Sometimes we need to vent, and sometimes talking helps define the situation. In my case, my girlfriends listened, gave advice, but also, helped me figure out what to say to my then spouse. Putting kind words into perspective to start a dialogue was what I needed. And that’s the important part: getting our girlfriends to begin TALKING to their husbands.

    1 like

  20. Generic Image PHYLLIS JOY says

    And yes it does require courage & we have more of it than we give ourselves credit for. Thanks for noticing Karen 27.
    In the end, I found a new man & discovered a whole new sex life that I had never even begun to imagine existed. And that took courage too. — to allow myself to be loved, and goooood golllly get undressed in front of a new man!!!

    2 like

  21. Generic Image Karen27 says

    Phyllis, it’s wonderful that you found a new man and discovered the joys of love again.  I think that is what most women who are starting over at the tender age of “over 40″ hope for.

    Oh, just to clarify, I do have much compassion for the very difficult decision when it comes to ending or getting out of a long-term marriage/relationship.  I listen with caring ears.  What I was referring to above are the women that are so adamant and steadfast in their desire to hold onto any and all financial assets at any cost.

    I’ve spoken to women who claim to be absolute and unwavering in their misery, yet they’re willing to forego the possibility of a fresh start and the hope of happiness for their beautiful country houses.  Again, to each his own, but when tangible objects take precedent in a person’s vision and priorities, it’s hard to try and communicate or give advice on the path to a more fulfilled life.

    I think there is a big difference between a woman who is married for XX years and says “I’m terrified to leave this marriage, because I haven’t worked in years, and I don’t know whether I’ll be able to rent an apartment, etc.” or “I don’t have any support system” etc. as a woman who is comparatively “wealthy” and says “I like having a new foreign car leased every two years and my beach house is my prized possession.”  Different set of decision.

    1 like

  22. Generic Image PHYLLIS JOY says

    Yes, I was addressing more of the steps that women can help their girlfriends get through. And yeah, we all have to decide which friends are worth that much support., time and effort.

    Also want to add that I too had worked very hard to have THINGS. It is amazing how much one can do without, when really necessary.

    Knowing that putting one’s heart & soul first, can be very fulfilling and then, by golly, those THINGS just do not matter one iota!

    3 like

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