My Mom – had two strokes this past Sunday. She turned 80 on July 13th and was in great health up till Sunday.
While we were at the hospital on Sunday night – waiting for news – my brother ( who I have been estranged from since July/08) – was so rude to my children and I as we waited – asked if he could speak to me alone. He then announced that I was no longer a Power of Attorney for Mom – that she had taken me off a while ago – and he is the only Power of Attorney. I was so hurt.
My relationship with my mother has never been a close or a good one – but what I am concerned about is my attitude towards all of this.
I feel sorry for her – but I don’t feel distraught. She has hurt me so many times during my lifetime, that I just stopped caring a long time ago – but I thought I would feel more then I am.
Any help out there ladies.
Lynn
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Sounds very interesting.
April. What a difference a day makes, I am truly sorry about her health. Take it one step at a time. If he is the “power of Attorney” then let them live her choice, it is her happiest. Let them work it out…TRACK
P.S. Nothing you can do anyway, she never told you she changed her mind!
Exactly – I am just getting back on my feet after my husband’s passing last year – and you know what – my brother can deal with all the shit that goes with this – he has no idea what he is getting into. I think my Mom’s actions speak loud and clear. But I will do what I can for her – I have to live with my actions – but I am also going to carry on with my life – I been seeing this amazing man – and he is taking me away this weekend – and I am not giving that up for anything.
The day I gave birth to our oldest my parents stopped in to see him on their way to a weekend away – as Mom said then – no sense in staying we can’t do much anyway. What goes around comes around.
Lynn
Good for you April18, carry on with your own life. I think people, even parents have to earn respect, not just come by it automatically.
Lynn, I have very recently walked this path. My mother had a stroke in January 2009 and things that followed included dreadful sibling tension, and absolute confirmation of the fact I really didn’t care for my mother.
I was very sorry about what was happening to her, but I didn’t like her or love her so I wasn’t worried about losing her and knew I would not miss her. She died in January 2010 and it was a relief. I don’t miss her at all (she was a terrible, toxic person). Initially, I did have some nightmares…that she wasn’t dead.
Well meaning people kept insisting she was my mother, after all, and that deep down they suspected I loved her and would be very sorry when she was gone. They were wrong.
A book that helped me when I was run ragged looking after her post-stroke is called “Mean Mothers” by Peg Streep. This book bravely talks about the fact some women are just dreadful mothers – not abusive or unfit in the newspaper headline sense, but devastatingly toxic to their children nonetheless (particularly daughters).
You need to watch out for your brother – his timing and attitude are red flags as to what’s in store. If he has Power of Attorney, he is probably named Executor in her will. PoA only grants decision-making authority while your mother is alive; if/when she passes all power goes to the Executor. You may want to consult a lawyer at some point, if she has any kind of estate and you care to be treated fairly in the future.
Good luck, I am sorry to say you will probably need it. This stuff tears families apart, especially those with cracks in their existing foundation (which describes most families). I wish you the best.
Lisa, Morning, as I have said before and will repeat, “do not be controlled by emotional manipulation” by these so called meaningful people who did not live your childhood life! Many will not say what happen to them because we have made the word “ mother”, equal with GOD and we know GOD can do no wrong. The truth on some parenting mothers will come forward as time goes by. It would be wonderful for the mothers who know what they have done to ask for forgiveness. For those who do not like my post, do not read and keep it moving….TRACK
Thanks Track – you always know what I’m talking about and where I am coming from on this topic!
April, my regards about your mother it is ironic that a relative ex- Mother-in-Law had a stroke ,over a week ago, and she has offered to take her in her son and wife cannot or will not, , I hope your brother supports her the way she intends to be supported, as for you , It has to be difficult , when someone doesn’t inform you they have changed plans in who will be there power of attorney…but guess what? All the headache and care issues is in their hands …Don’t let the stress of these kind of family issue get you done, maybe it will be a good time for you to enjoy your gift of your children and be grateful you have a chance to build a better relationship with your children
Peace Health Wealth and Love.
Thank you – really that is what my main goal in my life as a parent has always been – to be the mother to my kids that I never had, and I think I have done that. I have a great relationship with my 3 kids and plus I have a wonderful daughter-in-law to be – who loves my son – and she and I are very close.
i have told my kids many times – you only get out of a relationship – what you put into it, and I think that is proving itself now with my mother.
Lynn