He must drink every day from the time he comes home from work till he goes to be or passes out. i have so much heart ache i love him when he not drunk hes very caring but when he drink he looks to start a arguement. i try not to argue but sometimes i just cant help it. i dont drink at all. there is no alnon around here in my rual area that i could slip off to when he is at work. help!
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Sounds very interesting.
I was married to a man like that. It was very stressful for me. I felt like he truly loved me because he told me all the time and he was very dependent on me in many ways. I had a stroke and could no longer be the caretaker of our home, he had an affair because he could not say no to the attention he was getting from a woman at work. My therapist explained to me that alcoholism is like any other disease (for example diabetes). It is up to the person with the disease to take care of themselves (meication or whatever). We can’t do it for them. My exhusband would aplogize and cry and he was so sorry. I fell for it every time. I know now that he wasn’t sorry for what he did to me, he was sorry for himself. I recommend that you read Co-dependent No More and Beyond Co-dependency by Melody Beattie. It was like reading about myself. Good luck to you and God Bless………….
Oh boy is this a topic for me. My last two long term relationships were with addictive men. First one was an alcoholic. When I met him he was recovering. We met in a park rollerblading with our sons. Sounds like a nice way to meet someone right? I fell for him very fast but he kept his distance. After 6 years of an emotional insance rollercoaster of a relationship (and boy could i write a book about this) & after him moving in with me…it ended. He started drinking again during one of our 15 breakups and he was a nasty drunk. For the most part, i never saw him drink. But I wanted him every time he would come back to me and even when i knew he picked up a drink, I didn’t care…until the first night i went out with him and saw his drinking…this was 3 weeks after he moved in and 5 years of knowing him. I too am not a drinker. When they say watch what you ask for, cause you just might get…they ain’t kidding. Oh boy did i get what i wanted….we ended up living together for a year and a half. To sum it up. He was the sickest man i ever met. He was a pathological liar, he was cunning and not trustworthy at all…I did everything to try to fix him…i went to Al-Anon & AA meetings…oh i educated myself on his disease….but regardless of the fact that is is a disease, we do not have to be someone’s door mat. we do not have accept unacceptable behavior…i will never forget the places that relationship took me…down the “road less traveled”….i read all the self-help books, i read “drinking, a love story”, i read Co-dependent No More and Beyond Co-dependency by Melody Beattie….I read the 12 steps….I never though I would get over this relationship. I thought I would take this one to my grave. I became obsessed with his addiction…and totally lost myself. I thought how pathetic was i that i cold not even get an alcoholic to love me more than his drink…talk about twisted thinking…so i took a year off from men….just stayed with friends and 11 months later I met a nice guy who didn’t seem to play the games that my X (by the way his name was TOM) played…he let me know right from the start that he really liked me and he seemed so nice and happy to have met me…after his 20 year marriage ended…so here i am, 7 years later alone again because he too was an alcoholic but his drinking was different….we had a few situations in the beginning (and I should have left him then) but they seemed to get better and i really liked him ….i was not crazy in love like i was with the other guy but i liked him and really thought he was easy going and would be the guy i could spend the rest of my life with…..but as time went by i realized he had more than one addiction…first the alcohol but then the computer. I didn’t realize at first just how bad it was because I only saw him on weekends…I lived in the city and lived 50 miles away but he worked where i lived and his kids lived where i lived. Actually it was a nice arrangement. He would come down on weekends and go back up state Monday morning. I really didn’t care much about seeing him during the week because by the time i got home from wk and did what i had to do…i was tired and liked my alone time….to make a long story short…..4 years into this relationship he got prostrate cancer…had the surgery and because of what he did for a living, he was forced to retire but he was very happy about this….i used to think getting cancer was the worst thing that happened to him but it was retiring. Ok i get it, you work 30 years and you want to just sit back and take a break…and so he did….and did…and did…and now his life is getting up whatever time he wants…walking 5 steps to his computer and playing spades all day and all night….he also decided to drink less which seemed like a good thing, but now he smokes pot all day & every day & night while he plays spades…..i’m leaving a lot out here but the bottom line is those things have become more important than me, his house & his kids….he completly isolates (a classic trait of an addictive person)…he does not need people…just his computer & pot…so after fighting with him to do something constructive with his time and suggesting a gym, or volunteering or something to make me have respect for him…it has come to an end because we will never grow towards something and now i realize i do not have a future at all with him…i feel so sad about his because he is a good guy but he just has bad habits…he won’t get help because he sees nothing wrong with what he is doing….he has NO friends….none…NO friends…i was the only constant person but when I realized that I made all the plans, I made all the decissions….everything was my idea…down to where to eat, what to eat, what to do with his son when he was with us…i never got a break….he was lazy in many ways….so here i am on a Friday night alone because he’d rather be up in his room on the computer smoking pot..
The moral of the story…you can’t change people…you can only change things. You can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge…and you will never win over someone’s addiction….letting go is very had, but unless we do, we continue to allow our lives to be unfullfiled and unhappy….we have to learn to take care of ourselves if the person we are with won’t help take car of us. I am still working very hard at this “letting go” part….”live and let live”. I say the Sirenity prayer as often as I can as a reminder that i can only change me….the definition of “insanity” is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results…..i’m trying not to be insane any more….i need my life back…and need to stop allowing addictive men into my life because it drains your soul and i’m getting too old for this stuff. The fear of being alone is what keeps us in unhealthy relationships and it totally understand that is one of my biggest fears…but at some point if I feel i’m losing self respect….and i’m really honest with myself….i pray for the strength to keep moving forward even if i’m alone…and not go backwards.
only you can decide when you have had enough.
I can totally relate to your story. Let’s be friends and support each other!
I would love that…afterall, that’s why i joined this website….i realized i know too many people (even friends) who are recovering alcoholics and i need to get away from that. I have all this knowledge about addiction from them, (they talk the talk but don’t always walk the walk) the books i read and all the meetings i went to…the funny thing is, when i was sitting in some really intense AA meetings, i could itentify with everything except the drinking…i might feel the same way they do, i might think the same way they do, i might have had experiences they did…but i didn’t drink…
What a story Jaylo,, oh i mean book. We should get together and write this book Jaylo…I have alot to contribute. My ex husband was the top of all the patholgical liars….My ex-boyfriend was next in line. I just cant figure out how we women always end up in relationships with men who drink all the time. It leaves a terrible scare in your heart from our past relationships…sometimes it is difficult to find another new relationship. I sometimes wonder if i meet a new guy is for real and then I question myself. I end up leaving a boyfriend from fear of getting hurt all over again. I wonder sometime if I ran away from Mr. Right!
God bless you and guide you in the right path
so many times i wondered if i went through all this to write a book…i would love to….but not sure we have anything different to say than many other people have already said. I agree, dealing with someone elses addiction leaves you wounded, beat up, disappointed, broken hearted and scared like you said…the scares will always be there but eventually the pain slips away…nothing good every comes from drinking or drugging…except maybe the recovery…(if there is one) but even if the person you are with enters into recovery, it’s still not a guarantee that all of a sudden your life will be happy.
I think we end up in relationships whith people like that because SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE ADDICTIONS…and a lot of them are in denial!!!! The sings are there but we chose to egnore them because we hope just maybe this time it will be different….and it is…but end result is the same….ever see how many support groups are out there? It’s scary….because life really is not easy…it’s a challenge and everyone is different. For me, i feel the need to be in a relationship because i really don’t have any living family left except my 2 sons. Everyone is dead. (boy IF ANYONE HAS A REASON TO DRINK IT DO lol) I struggle with that every day so having a partner in my life makes the weeknds less lonely. I stayed in my last two relationships longer than i should have because of the fear of being alone but i also did love them and always had hope that the situation would change….but in the end, the only thing that really had to change was me.
I don’t know what I believe any more about “Mr. Right”. I don’t even know if there is one… or a soul mate….I know i don’t want to end up alone but i just can stay in an unhealthy relationship. No matter how many books I read, it’s still hard to let go…but having some friends who truly understand how you feel makes it a little easier.
May we all have the “courage to change” so we can have a better life. I know i’m a good person and i try to treat people the way i want to be treated. I’ve made many mistakes along the way and i believe i’ve paid the price for them…my intentions are good and i hope god will see that and maybe one day it will be my turn for happiness. Oh i know we have to be happy with ourselves first….but we all know having a healthy circle of friends and a great partner….makes you happier than being alone…:)…in spite of all this, i really do have a great sense of humor which i belive has helped me through the rough times….
Ladies, I am currently reading a book called Sassy, Single and Satisfied by Michelle McKinney Hammond. It was a birthday gift from a lady friend that is a good christian. I think you’d like it!
thanks KLE i will check this book out!
I can always use another book…thanks…
I think I do have a different story from some. just to brief you. When I was married I separated from my husband for a time…in that time of our separation he went to mexico and got married. We were not even divorced yet. He also had a few financee on the side. So to say he had not a double life he had 3 other women on the go. How do I know this? well each lady got suspicious of him and decided to contact me for information…of course i had to say the truth. I have spent may hours in a day talking to all these ladies and i would get phone calls from people looking for him always.
We did eventually divorce, i couldnt put up with his lies, lies and more lies. and him lying to others where they end up contacting me for infor…he did bad with his side of the family. (another long story) I was at my bottom low. My daughter went to calgary for a year to go to school. (and another story with her). So in that meantime, i made a decison to move as far away from him as possible. This story has much more to it. I am Much much happier that i did make the move. But i am lonely for my family and friends. …and sure for a male companion as well. I am a fun, loving, caring individual, have a great sense of humor ,do not drink and smoke..and would help others when in need…my work and hobby is what keeps me going. I have a lot to offer and i cant find a mate or I mean “Mr. Right”?? go figure! Oh well, I am trying to think positive about life now.
So sorry to hear about all your family not being around anymore,, having friends will help ease the pain some. Where in new york do you live? and what you do for work?take care jaylo
wow….every one has a story don’t they? and when you think yours is really bad, there is always another one that’s worse. They recently had a special on 20/20 about your experience. 12 or 13 women realized they were all dating the same guy they met on the internet (which is why i’m leery of that) and to make matters worse, he was HIV positive….I had tears in my eyes after hearing their stories….Oh maybe we should write a book
How far did you move? Where were you living before you moved to Canada? I Live in Pelham Bay and I actually work for a TV Network. What is your work & hobby? I too am a fun, loving, caring individual, have a great sense of humor ,do not drink and smoke (well i’ll have a glass of wine once in a while).
What i find interesting is the person who started this thread has not replied at all. Hope she is ok.
Oh yes they sure do,,all unique. It is kinda theraputic to listen and talk about our experiences…sure is an eyeopener. I use to think i was the only one going through this..my mind was taking a toll on me and not thinking properly at all, at that time.
I have seen many shows about internet dating, some actually do work…but I too am leery on that, also. I do know of someone who met someone wonderful and she has been with him for 2 years now…and they live near each other. But, then i know someone else that met someone on line 5 months ago, they talked on phone, exchange photos, she said she was in love with him…she went to meet him first time face to face and they married next day. She lives in Canada, he lives in states. They did talk about her moving to states but she changed her mind and he doesnt want to move to canada to be with her. They are still married 2 months now…and saw each other 2 times. .2 times geesh, ridiculous. I think her man (cant really call him a husband) has another woman on the side,,just a gutt feeling. that is so strange that she married him the next day after meeting. If i was married i want someone to be with me everyday in my bed. I think he is waiting for her inhertiance…she comes from a weathly background.
I was living in Vancouver, BC when i was married. Now i live near Niagara falls, ontario…been here for almost 3 years and love it here. I feel at peace in some way. I work in Home Health Care, I took up Photography and loving it…so beautiful around here to take pictures.
Yes, I think so far we are only responding to each others thread…maybe we should start our own..lol. Then we can start up a topic…”anyone want to help us out in writing a book”…lol…they can share their stories.
God bless have a great day!
Jaylo are you on facebook? Perhaps we can connect on there also. Would be nice to be your friend. Thanks
yes i am….how shall i find you? or you can contact me jayne17@optonline.net
ok thanks .I sent you a facebook request and an email
Ok, JayLo, you really hit the nail on head when you said the fear of being alone keeps us in unhealthy relationships. I was alone (by choice) for several years after I went through my second divorce. I don’t want to go back there but what I’m doing now isn’t working, either. I am also involved with a man who drinks every night. He is not mean or violent and doesn’t cheat, but he is drunk most nights and I am tired of dealing with that. Some nights he gets so wasted between alcohol, muscle relaxers and pot that he can’t walk. I have to help him to the car, into the house, to the bathroom, to bed. It’s not that bad every night but many nights it’s pretty close.
I know this is unlikely to change because it has been his lifestyle for at least 30 years and I need to leave, but I have become so caught up in his life, it will not be easy. He is always under stress from work, family, etc. Right now his dad is not doing well and I just don’t think I can leave under those circumstances. But I’ve put off leaving for a long time for one reason or another. I know I didn’t cause him to be this way–he was like this when I found him, but I still find it hard to leave him with his problems. Funny thing is, he has a better life than I do. Better job, makes more money, has more friends, closer to family. Yet I still worry about him. This is such a struggle.
You are obviously on line so I will recommend that you look up Alanon on line. It is great.
order some books to read (on the topic or from alanon) for yourself and perhaps you can meet with others that need it too. I was in that situation for 25 years. I prayed for him to get sober and when he did I divorced him even though I loved him. I just could not do it anymore. My heart goes out to you. Mine was also a drug addict. He only lived for another year and a half after that but I miss him and still love him. You must live YOUR LIFE! Learn to do things for you and learn to help yourself feel good. I learned in one meeting that he is like two different people. the one that you love and the one that is from another planet. you can’t talk to the one from the other planet because all that matters is the drinking. They can’t reasonable talk to you at that time. It is true. God bless us and take care, be safe, and stay blessed. I tried it all – interventions, i even had him arrested on a probation violation and he had to finish his time in jail - that was when he chose to go to treatment for himself.
Tommysgirl you need to leave him if he doesnt want to help himself or your life will be very miserable. I have tried to help my ex but men need to do it themself. I have been in several of these alcoholic relationship, tried to help but it left me empty and tired..and depressed. you need time away from him so he can work on his problem. God bless you and i hope you find your answers..take care
Sometimes I share a bottle of wine with my husband just to keep him from drinking the whole thing. Do you think it makes it harder for you to not drink at all? I often wonder what would happen if I just gave it up altogether, even though I enjoy a glass of wine in the evening. It’s hard, though, isn’t it…
You have my sympathy, as I know what it is like to be in a relationship with someone who chose to drink constantly. I have a very different take on it than a lot of people, so please understand this is MY experience and my opinion.
People choose to drink or use drugs to escape from something. It may be something painful from their past, such as abuse. They may have grown up in a family where coping skills were never taught or modeled. (For example, the fact that someone’s parent drank when they were stressed or unhappy – this certainly doesn’t teach a child how to cope in a positive fashion with problems… children imitate their role models.) Some people claim that “alcoholism” is genetic, but there has been no actual scientific or medical proof of that. Some people still insist on calling it a “disease”, but it is not a disease like diabetes or cancer or even influenza. It is a choice people make – albeit not neccessarily a rational one. When I am upset, I choose to write or go for a walk or talk to a good friend. These were behaviors modeled for me by my parents. Some people choose to drink or get high. It is a CHOICE. The bottle of alcohol, the pills, the joint… these things don’t force themselves on your mate or anyone else. People with bi-polar disorder tend to become substance abusers more frequently than those who are not, but science has not yet determined which actually comes first – the bi-polar disorder or the substance abuse. In some cases manic episodes are brought on by substance abuse.
12-Step programs like AA terrify me. I’ve sat in many meetings, listened to people say they have “no will”, “a disease”, “are powerless” over and over again. Some of these people have been going to meetings several times a week for 20 years! No, they are not drinking or using, but they are not living either. They have become addicted to the AA group meetings, and while one may think that the fact they are not drinking is a positive thing, the fact that their life now revolves around the “group” and “meetings” only changes the problems and indicates that they still don’t know how to cope.
Al-Anon was awful. I went to meetings and listened to women talk about “detaching” – some women talked about how their husbands had been going to AA on and off for years, but still drank heavily at times and came home and roared and threw things, etc. Al-Anon told these women that THEY were responsible, they were “enabling” him, they were “co-dependent”, they were as “sick” as he was. People have bought this idea for a long time, but more and more recovery and rehabilitation experts dismiss the 12-step programs as being ineffective and in many cases these programs actually create an atmosphere of acceptance.
You cannot force your mate to quit drinking. You are not “sick” or “helpless” and actually neither is s/he. You have a choice; you can stay and tolerate it or you can leave and make a life for yourself and hope that s/he decides to quit drinking. This will undoubtedly require he or she to seek therapy…. getting to the bottom of what hurts and why s/he chose to try to bury the hurt by drinking is the place for your mate to start. Telling him/herself that they have “an incurable disease” and are “powerless” is not only b.s. it is an excuse and unfortunately many (most?) people with substance abuse issues become excellent at making excuses and manipulating the people around them.
Despite what s/he may tell you at times, you are not responsible for their drinking. You are not the cause of it, nor will you be the reason they stop. As hard as it was for me to accept, my love for him had absolutely nothing to do with his decision to stop drinking and seek help.
I live in a rural area, too, and understand how difficult it can be to get help. I would really urge you to get some counseling from a therapist. I know from experience that help is available through your county social services agency if finances are a problem. Your last sentence about “slipping off” when he is at work leads me to wonder if you are afraid of him? If that is the case, PLEASE get help as soon as possible.
I’ve done a lot of research on substance abuse and am co-authoring a book on “rational recovery”. I know a lot of people hold AA and other similar programs in high esteem, but in reality their success rate is less than 5%.
I am blown away with everything you said…but still not sure what I believe…is society just leading us to believe it’s a disease? Not being an alcoholic I often wondered if it was just a choice….but unless I’m in the alcoholics shoes….how will I ever know for sure?…..They say, “it’s not how much a person drank, it was what the drink does to the person that makes them an alcoholic…..but is drug addiction a disease too? …or is it people that have some sort of chemical imbalance that become alcoholics , or gamblers, or drug addicts…like you said…what comes first…..the scary thing is…there are so many of them out there…I do agree for the most part about what you said regarding AA meetings….I don’t totally agree that a person who wants sobriety will only achieve this by going to meetings…I get the part that your struggle is easier when you have someone to talk to about it ….but not for 20 years….but you and I will never really understand the craving of alcohol if we don’t have it…I too went to some Al-Anon meetings and I did not continue for very long…I got it…I was not there to talk about the alcoholic.. I was there to talk about me……courage to change me….so yes, the bottom line is all these alcoholics and drug addicts and gamblers etc…are selfish people…they call it a “selfish disease” because it really is all about them and us nice girls get caught up in caretaking….walking away is …in the end…the way out…at least that’s what I’ve experienced…the longer you stay…the longer you life is not a happy one…live and let live!….we have to treat ourselves better than we treat them….I would also be very interested in reading your book…
The disease concept is readily accepted by many people because it excuses the behavior of millions. It is much easier for a person to claim they have a disease than to admit that they have poor coping skills and have made terrible choices.
The disease model is also useful for private rehab centers, who make millions of dollars annually “curing” people of their “disease”. AA, NA and the other 12-step programs use the disease model in an almost cult-like atmosphere. As there are no dues or fees for AA membership, I’m not certain what their reasoning is, but I can tell you that many AA members are fiercely protective of their “disease” idea and can become quite nasty on forums if you disagree with their beloved program.
There are drugs that actually cause physical addiction; nicotine is one of them. But the fact remains that people use drugs, including alcohol, because they make them feel good – they help them forget about their problems and/or pain for a while, and they don’t consider the fact that the drug use is causing more problems in an escalating spiral.
Never having had issues with any drug outside of nicotine, which I simply quit cold turkey, it has been extremely eye-opening meeting and talking to people in various stages of “recovery”. I’ve learned a great deal from my husband, and a lot of it has not been pleasant. Are addicts selfish people? Oh yes! Will they manipulate you, lie to you, perhaps even steal from you? It’s very likely. Can they change? If they stop using and get some therapeutic help so they understand why they’ve made the choices they have, they can certainly improve their life. Simply stopping drinking or using drugs is not enough though – they need therapy – which is another reason I am so anti-12-step programs: they never suggest that their members get professional counseling; instead they tell them to “keep coming back” and lead them to believe that sitting around in a circle with a bunch of other broken people is going to help them. Oh, it may help them stay sober, but it won’t help them live productive lives, save their marriages or their jobs…
I obviously could go on and on….
I will definitely be letting everyone here know when we have a publication date!
I live in a rural area too. Al-Anon has online meetings in private chat rooms. A little slower format than a face to face meeting but a lifesaver. Here’s a link:
http://www.12stepforums.net/
Keep on keeping on one day at a time. God bless.