My kids dad and I were married for 23 years. We divorced in 2003, long story, things had been good up to that point. I’m remarried. Anyway, their dad died on May 25 in a motorcycle accident. The kids are ages 18, 20, 21, 24, 27, 28. Three daughters and three sons. Their grief is overpowering at times. I myself have never lost a parent, nor anyone close to me. I just listen when they cry (the girls) and say inane things like, “I’m so sorry, Honey.” The boys dont say a word. Two of them in particular were very close to their dad, so I know they’re suffering. But the girls call, especially my youngest daughter, the 20-year old. Does anyone have any advice on how I can help them, what I can say or not say, or do or not do? Anything? The fact that they’re in such pain at such a young age cuts through me like a knife. I almost can’t stand it myself.
| My kid’s grief over their Dad |
October 25, 2012
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Thank you....I know there is hope.
Oh, how sweet. Yep, looking back, I just embrace the awkwardness of her. Thank you for your sweet and meaningful reply.
Shirley - that's funny but what you are saying is true about the men...first sex, then a little company, then back to the dating sites. :) There are too many fish on line to stick with just one so they go back to see what else is available. I am a me
Grief can and is very overpowering. It was hard enough when my parents died and they were old with health problems.
The first year is the hardest as there are all the milestones, holidays, birthdays, that are crossed for the first time.
However, if she seems frozen in her life, it might be time that see seeks professional help. Grief counsolers can help her to understand her feelings and put them in perspective so she can move forward with her life.
Young people that have never been exposed to loss of a love one, aunt, uncle, grandparents, lack the tools needed to understand their feelings and how go through the steps of grief.
Best wishes and hope her days get brighter.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
Why not have the kids over and find a time to talk about their Dad/your ex. Let the kids know that this hurts you, too, even though you were no longer married. He was the father of your children; that is a lifelong bond, like it or not. Remind them of the good years you shared as a family, and let them talk or not. If it gets weepy, weep with them. Let them know that you share their grief, even though your own relationship had ended.
Maybe offer them a way to do something to mark their grief – offer to host a garage sale to benefit some motorcycle charity, or kids’ charity or his favorite charity. Or, as a family, offer to donate books to the library about motorcycles or another of his interests – they normally put a commemorative bookplate inside the front cover. Or plant a tree or whatever…just something to create some good from his untimely death and to acknowledge his passing together.
Dunno if it’ll work, but it might be a start. My sympathy to the family.
Thank you Jean. The kids are scattered pretty much across the country. It’s horrible that way. I’ve told all of them privately that whenever they’re ready I’d be happy to talk with them about their dad. There are probably things from his childhood they don’t know or things from when they were very little. They’ve all said they’ll let me know. It’s too raw yet I guess.
God, I never thought all this would happen to us. Its so awful.
Are you the keeper of the photos? If so, take some time to put a collage together for them, perhaps a scrapbook you can make copies of. With the scrapbook you can make notes on/around the photos with information they may not know, or just make it interesting for them. Send it away, perhaps tuck a packet of tissues in with it and an “I love you note”. You could personalize the mass production a bit by adding in some special photo of dad w/that child.
When one or the other stops by let them talk and talk and talk. That is the only way to get over it. Our family bottled it up and, pardon the statement, “we dragged dad’s body around for more than ten years”. No one would listen and we did not talk to each other. Not the best way to deal.
The first year is definitely the hardest.
Wow Darcy, you’ve been through this?
Not exactly. Dad dropped dead at 48 just days before I turned 21. To say it was an awful year would be accurate. We, sister, mom and me, NEVER spoke about it. I worked thru alcohol, bad marriageS, and on and on. I am going to do the photos I have, they are stored in those harmful magnetic books of the long ago, and put a small book together for my son and my sister’s daughters. They never knew him, know almost nothing of him, and he was a terrific person. Mom died the year of 911 only on the 10th. Never get to forget that.
Anyway there is more … isn’t there always? The point is we would have been a healthier family had we spoken of him, instead we unsuccessfully ignored the “hole in the room/family/celebration”. Not the best! Give them “something to remember him by”, don’t forget to enclose the tissues (and keep some to use when doing the task), so the children know you care and cared.
Thanks.
Thank you, Darcy. I’m sorry for the loss you suffered. My daughter who is only 20 keeps saying she misses her dad so much, she NEEDS him, and they had made plans for when he gets back. This has hurt them all so badly.