I love my husband. We have been married for 15 years and have had a great time. I am 8 years older than him, I’m now 55 and he will be 47 in Jan. He has a passionate long distance relationship going on with an old flame, who is 41, married with 2 kids. On the phone usage report I see they talked for 2 hours at a time, they are constantly texting and “sexting”. I went to a marriage counselor and she said he is going thru mid life crisis and there is a reason he chose someone in CT instead of GA where we live. She told me to back off and stay out of his way until this fantasy with her gets old and most couples make it through. I am NOT LEAVING MY HOME and he said last night this was HIS home and it might become “an issue”, he has not seen a lawyer or at least he says he hasn’t. He is counting on me to get fed up and leave. Has anyone been through this and kept the marriage in tact. Please don’t tell me to divorce him or leave him, I really think we can work this out if I could get HER out of the picture. I’ve thought about trying to contact her husband but I’m afraid that would blow up in my face, I’ve thought about calling her but I’m sure she is enjoying the fantasy as much as he is. I need advice on how not to go crazy right now, I feel so alone right now. He has NEVER been unfaithful before.
| My husband has rekindled w/ an old flame long distance, now he wants me gone | Hot Conversation |
October 02, 2012
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Permalink: http://www.vibrantnation.com/family-relationships/my-husband-has-rekindled-w-an-old-flame-long-distance-now-he-wants-me-gone/
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so glad you are moving in the right direction. go for it get what you can and start living. no looking back.looking forward to a new life and you will be able to stop worrying what he is doing but work on what you are doing…… making yourself happy because he was making you sad. good luck with the job hunt. xxx thinking of you as we all are.
Congratulations for standing up for yourself and not letting the bad relationship define you or your future.
You will be glad you didn’t waste anymore time waiting for him to decide what your life was going to be.
Power forward…
Still in love w/my hubby:
You know what’s funny, you are in GA and the “love interest” is in CT. I’m sure she is telling your hubby she is lonely, her husband is not treating her the way she wants and they are reminscing on there past. Usually a relationship from one’s past didn’t work out FOR A REASON. Otherwise he would have been with her. That chick is not going to leave her husband with 2 kids unless he’s abusing her and she is looking for a way out. In the end, you are going to end up pulling all your paperwork together, filing for difference under irreconcilable difference and going to get 1/2 of of everything, including the force of the sale of the house ot get your money out of it. Then he’s going to look back and say, “damn, I really messed this up.”. It’s obvious you are a good woman and intelligent finishing up your MBA. He’s lucky to have you….Long distance relationships rarily work. You have to go through the daily “grind” to really know a person. Talking by phone..long distance..no less doesn’t cut the mustard.
As the song goes..”GO ON…..TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN”… I pray the job comes through at GE for you. Once you get that security, you’ll more than likely end this.
If you want to play the game and try to hold onto him – and that may not be the healthiest thing for you to do – is to make him jealous. Let him think that you have met someone else whom you are interested in. I have seen this work quite successfully but you have to be willing to be dishonest and put on an act. Good luck either way,
Maryl, I am sure you mean well. And yes, sometimes this tactic does work. But I don’t think game-playing is a good idea when you are looking to resolve conflicts or issues in any relationship: with your husband, your best friend, your parents. This is the kind of stuff that got us in trouble in high school.
How can people properly communicate with each other and grow if they are busy being dishonest? A repaired relationship built on such a foundation wouldn’t be very solid. Just my opinion.
We have our first counseling session together today at 4:15. I’m ready to try emotionally separating for awhile. We can’t afford two homes right now and until I get a job I don’t want to move and he has already hinted that he”s not moving out. They are still texting and talking on the phone. Haven’t sexted in a few weeks – think she is taking a break from getting drunk so much. She keeps texting about them getting together next May, cinco de mayo to be exact. I went out last night with friends and had so much fun. (without him), I’m still a basket case but I am feeling stronger every day! Keep praying for me!!
I agree that you need to file for divorce. If it would make you feel better, give him 3 months. Remember that during this time, you will be putting great demands on yourself spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. Start keeping a journal for the 90 days. Write down all of the loving things that you have tried to win him over or show that you love him and will not let him go for a fling. After every act of kindness, write down his response and whether or not he is still warm towards you or getting colder. Men don’t like desperation on a woman, not even their wives. At the end of every week, reread what you have written. The truth will either hit you like a ton of bricks and you will take your half and run or you will continue to jeopardize you sanity for this man. Now, you were not designed for abuse of any kind. But, you are being emotionally, spiritually, and in line for financial abuse. God designed you for better. When women are loved and secure in a marriage relationship, our self-esteem flourishes. But, if not, then it suffers. The question here is are you worth peace and happiness (real happiness)? If so, you will evaluate your relationship based on journal writings (be truthful) and his actions. Telling you that your house is his house is not love. Talking on the phone to another woman and sexting is not love. You deserve to be loved. He is not your boyfriend, he is your husband. I don’t advocate divorce, but I don’t advocate self-torture or self-abuse or relationship abuse. I pray that the truth will be revealed to you. Remember, he is your husband legally. But, whether or not he is your husband spiritually and emotionally is a question that needs to be answered. Marriage itself means nothing unless two people are in it and willing to make it work.
My therapist asked one of the best questions you could ever ask:
What behavior(s) are you willing to change?
So sorry your husband is being so nasty. By nasty I mean spending so much time with another woman, being disrespectful to you, treating you in unloving ways, etc.
You say that he wanted to see the counselor alone and has hinted he’s not moving out, that the house is his and might become ‘an issue’. These are major red flags that his intentions are not to save the marriage. Right now he has the other woman in CT to support him, but I suspect that having had this virtual ‘affair,’ a faithful marriage is not in the cards for him, regardless of the wife he has.
It sounds as though you’re already separating from him emotionally, and that is good. He’s not considering you, so it’s up to you to take care of yourself. A feminist shark attorney would be good.
That safe deposit box is an excellent idea. If your husband is cheap, as you say, and insists the house is his, then you would be naive to think he’ll be willingly fair, much less generous with you.
So: make sure you get yours from this relationship. Start a savings account for yourself in a different bank. What did you get for your wedding? If you got silver, art, antiques - into the safe deposit box it goes – or into the basement of a friend or family member. “Redecorate,” eh? Have you got jewelry? Safe deposit box.
Prepare yourself for a divorce battle; hopefully it won’t be, but if it is, it won’t throw you. You’ll be ready and it will come as no surprise.
Play dumb; act hopeful – esp now that you are in joint marriage counseling. Make dates with friends; give him lots of time to sext his brains out with this unhappy woman and don’t let him think that you know he still is doing so. The more he thinks you want to save the marriage, that he has you fooled, that he has all the cards, the better. It will let him be complacent, while, unbeknownst to him, you are being vigilant on your own behalf.
I know I sound cold-blooded, but I have seen *so* many friends get taken to the cleaners by husbands who had THEIR eyes wide open while my friends were trying to save their marriage every way they knew how. They deserved better and so do you.
That isn’t cold blooded, that is excellent advice; can’t afford to be innocent; must take care of yourself.
I agree. You can hope for the best, but be sure to prepare for the worst. Start protecting yourself RIGHT NOW. He is in la-la land with the affair, so you get your ducks in a row and do all your homework. There are many websites with good divorce information. Talk to an attorney. The consultation should cost you nothing. Talk to several to make sure you are comfortable with your final choice.
Talk to your investment person. Get you money and credit in a safe place now, or you may lose access to it. Remember that he may agree to counseling but may not be truthful during the sessions. No matter what, be sure you keep seeing a counselor with or without him to keep your head on straight and stay strong. Your husband will try all sorts of things to affect the way you think, and if you are thinking with your heart, you’ll get in trouble. You have to think like a man now. If you have a close male friend, check in with him for advice.
I wish you the courage, strength and wisdom it will take to get through this. It will be a long and difficult road, believe me. You will need your friends around you, but be prepared to lose many in the process. Read all you can about all aspects of what you are going through, and remember that YOU ARE ENOUGH. You are complete as you are, and you can do whatever it takes to find your happiness. There will be days you are sure you simply cannot go on, but eventually the good days will begin to outnumber the bad.
And remember to come back here when you start to lose faith, or need good advice. We will be here to help you through it.
<3
Please make sure that you can survive on your own. Being married to a younger man is extremely hard. Sounds as if he is going thru the middle age thing. Hang in there. Get ready for the long haul. Don’t give up. Always think positive.
Credit! Yes – get your name off joint accounts if you can, and get an account for yourself in your own name now while you can use his income to qualify.
Check with women who have been divorced for atty referrals. If they got taken to the cleaners, find out the name of the atty their ex used. You might try calling the women’s shelters to see if there are any attorneys who either work with them or work to support them; I’m betting any atty familiar with the stories of women in shelters will be a barracuda for the women s/he represents.
I urge you to squirrel away valuables now in case you find you need them later; not because you’re planning to skin your husband but because you don’t want to get skinned yourself.
So you stay, he drops the affair. Trust has been broken and never be rebuilt. Without trust you lack respect, and there is no love there.
To stay in the “marriage” tells me that you have too much fear to dump his sorry arse and move forward with your life.
Go see a lawyer, discuss the financial gains and details of what needs to happen to get the divorce. YES I’M TELLING YOU TO GET A DIVORCE!!!
WHY stay with a man who has disregarded you as his wife, and a person?
Take the darn house and sell it, or have the lawyer work out a deal so that HE LEAVES.
Stop allowing this man to CONTROL you and keep you in an ABUSIVE situation!
BE STRONG, BE YOURSELF, BE FREE!!!!!
P.S. I speak from experience, HAD 28 years of marriage, and now been divorced and FREE for the last 5 1/2 years…ahhhh, FREEDOM is so enlightening!!!!
~Due to 28 years of violence, mental/verbal/emotional abuse….it took my now, best friend to TELL ME what to do…without her words of advise and support, and I would have NEVER left. Everyone I had previously asked for help from, always told me to; hang in there, things will get better, try harder, wait, etc….
~I left with no money, low paying job, no education and no family support, and I MADE IT!!!
I speak from experience, also…..36 years of abuse and then divorced.
However, telling someone what to do isn’t productive or helpful, because we are coming from OUR stuff and not theirs…. (and believe me, everything in me wants to shout to leave!) She is the only one who can make the decision and we know how difficult it is. Some women never find the courage to leave (if that is what they really want)…all we can do is be supportive.
I just divorced my younger husband (13 yrs younger) after 13 yrs of marriage due to alcohol problems and possible he cheated also…found out later. Anyway, please don’t wait for him to make a move or you will lose more than you think. While you wait on him, he could be cleaning out your bank accounts and any savings, etc. You need to get half of it and put in an account for yourself BEFORE he leaves you with nothing. Do NOT take more then half because if it comes to a divorce you are legally entitled to half, a judge could decide on more due to the unfaithfulness, but let the judge decide that later. Look out for yourself first because he has already let you know he will not be looking out for anyone except himself. Start yourself a new life and make it a happy one without jerks like him!!!
Having dealt with infidelity for the last 3 plus years I think all the advice here is pretty good (except for playing games by letting him think someone else is interested in you). If your husband is not having a physical affair it is definitely an emotional affair which is just as damaging, if not more. The conventional wisdom is to tell the other person’s partner (her husband in your case) about the affair. Try to have proof. When this happens sometimes the whole dynamic changes. Also, it is only fair that her husband is aware of this. Please let him know ASAP and do not tell your husband until after you have outed them. Please seek counseling for yourself right away. I also highly recommend the website http://www.sugvivinginfidelity.com. Know that this has nothing to do with you. He is broken. Good luck and stay strong.
I don’t see why anyone would bother posting if they don’t want to hear others’ take on whatever prompts their post. I think the suggestions and responses here are indeed both supportive and helpful, whether SILWMH uses them or not. Hearing other perspectives gives us the opportunity to consider things that may not occur to us.
I would not tell the other woman’s husband till *maybe* after the divorce and settlement, when I was safe and secure and beyond my husband’s reach. You don’t know this man, and you don’t know how your husband will react to the news.
If I were going to do ANYthing, I’d do it anonymously, but frankly, I doubt I would. For all you know, this woman’s husband could be hugely violent, or a serial cheater. They could have one of those strange marriages where they both cheat and nobody minds. And he may have friends or family who know and have told him. Bottom line for me would be “I have my own problem, and I’m not about to complicate them by getting involved with my husband’s sexting partner’s marriage.”
Jean – although I respect your opinion I STRONGLY disagree about telling the OP’s partner. Have you ever been confronted with this situation? If not, please do not give advice. Again, I have been through this & have researched it extensively – TELL – ASAP – if the husband already knows, fine. If not you are doing him a favor and it will get things into perspective for the cheaters. Again, this is the conventional advise. Would you want to be kept in the dark? As painful as it is the truth needs to emerge for everyone to have a chance to lead an authentic life- if not, it will go on & on with no closure. Get it out in the open for all concerned so you can move on & not waste any more of your precious energy & time.
Someone please remember that THE most dangerous time for a woman in a relationship is when the partner knows she is leaving. Hundreds of women have been murdered, beaten, generally abused. Tell your attorney you are leaving and perhaps one other confidant — no one else UNLESS you are certain you will be safe.
I tried to contact the mistresses’ husband but could never get in contact with him. I only learned through various sources where my ex & mistress worked that she had served divorce papers on her husband the day he was being deployed to a war zone. I have no idea what kind of a marriage they had but once again through the grapevine heard he was abusive & didn’t care. So that did me absolutely no good! Meantime they were spending all of their time together & I was getting crapped on. I now know he was just not worth putting myself through all of the misery I was in. But after 34 yrs. of marriage & kids, grandkids, etc. it’s not always easy to forgive & forget. Wish there was a switch to turn off!!!
Jeannie, I respect *your* opinion, but it it not your place to suggest that anyone should not speak up. Every situation is different, every cheater is different, and SILWMY owes this stranger nothing. NOTHING.
I think speaking up before taking care of yourself and making sure that YOU are safe and that it won’t have repercussions for you is risky, and I would never advise it.
As soon as the other husband speaks up, SILWMH’s husband will wonder if she has outed them. What he will do is not something anyone who doesn’t know him could predict, conventional advice or no.
SILWMH, if you are feeling guilty and want to out them to her husband, wait till you have gotten an attorney and taken care of your finances – then discuss it with your attorney and take the attorney’s advice, not ours. Your attorney will have vast and direct experience with couples in a variety of situations and his/her advice will be most reliable of all, I would think, as your atty will know you and it’s his/her job to take care of you.
Good luck!
I agree with you Jean- always take care of yourself first. Unfortunately I learned that the hard way & sometimes your emotions can cloud your decision- making in this situation . Wish I would have found this forum much earlier than I did! I was clueless.
Yes, if you tell the husband you might end up with TWO people coming after you (the husband and the other woman). THEY are not your problem. Your husband is…You can’t control anyone else; only yourself, so what eveyone else said….Do your homework, take control of your life; see an attorney; find out everything you need to know about finances, retirement, etc., etc….then after that is all done, if you sitll want to tell the husband you could do that, but I think you want to do it because of justice and i agree, but it is your decision. Hugs n Love, Alicia
When faced with situations like this it is a good time to look at your core values. When faced with a similar situation my therapist helped me clarify what I wanted from MYSELF. I came up with a phrase that I measured all of my behavior against. I wanted to behave with “grace and dignity.” My marriage was obviously over, my role in our community and among our friends was changing, my family was no longer what it had been and to tell you the truth I wasn’t sure which members of my extended family were still “family.” However, my ultimate goal was to be able to look back at this horrid, awful time and say to myself “you were gracious and you were dignified.” This did not mean I didn’t fight like heck for my financial well being…I did. Nor did it mean that I let him control the situation (he would tell you he was shocked and angry at the way I refused to back down and how I took the stand that I hadn’t done anything wrong and so I wasn’t going to back away from friends who had started as “his” and had eventually become “ours”). Six years later I can say that I am very, very proud of myself.
My advice is much like all the others – turn your attention to yourself and what will help you get through this mess. You can’t change it, fix it, or make the good fairy come and wave it away with her wand. You can only survive it the best you can. My own position would be NOT to tell the other woman’s husband…it is an urge that I fought as well but decided that it wasn’t coming from a place I would term my “best self,” and I had little to gain. The trust between me and my husband (of nearly 30 years) was already broken. Good luck.
I totally agree with you. It is not easy to behave “with grace and dignity” when we are hurting so badly and we want to hurt them back so badly that sometimes we forget how to behave.
I too took the stand of not backing down. Every thing is no longer the same, the family dynamics has changed. His family does not know how to deal with it and me and has not made contact and decides to take his side. My children decide to sit on the fence and not take sides. After all they want both parents to be happy and to be amicabe. So I felt hurt and very sorr for myself for a while, that I was being abandoned really to cope on my own. I could not say anything about him to the children. I have said a few nasty things about him to my daughter and that backfired on me. She loves her dad dearly and only see him as a decent human being. It was a terrible time because I was totally unprepared for this new role. I finally had to tell myself that I am only in control of my own life now and trying to to make the best of it on my own. Some days it is one minute at a time when I am struggling with my feelings/emotions. I do not want to end up being a bitter, angry person, still upset with him and what he has done. The marriage is over, he has moved on. I have to move on as well. Yes it will take time to digest that it is truly over and I have to go on living my life. I have a choice now to make the best of it. Maybe it is because we have been married for so long that when we are single again, we still cannot process that concept in our brains.
I have been set free and I should be grateful for that. This is the time for ME now.
Yes NanaP, I feel ya sister! That is how it is for me too- a little hard to swallow when it is forced on you. My ex has been horrible to me & my adult children, but they still think he is magically going to change his narcissistic ways. All he cared about during the divorce was his “stuff”. Never even asked for a single picture of his children or grandchildren. Just moved right on to a new woman & her 4 kids. So disturbing!
I’m sorry that you felt you had to deal with everything on your own. My mother was the one who taught me never to say anything negative about the children’s father upon separation, because it will backfire. She said that they would love him and hate you and blame you. She never said anything negative, but she let us find out on our own. I did the same with my children. My 11 year old at the time came back from an outing with her father and said, ” my father is this and this and acts like so on and so forth, Moma did you know he?” I acted surprised, but was still very careful of what I said. You cannot let your kids in on personal matters, because they don’t know how to handle it. Although they are grown, they are not emotionally mature enough to deal with things that we go through. It is like when they find out that their parents still have sex, uugh! Try to find a divorce support group and please try to talk to the inlaws with children present maybe. God bless you. You will make it through this.
hey, you have not posted for a while still in love with my husband….
are you okay? it is such a hard thing to go through and we are all wishing you the best. please let us all know that you are coping. thinking of you.
This may be off topic, I struggled to find the words to explain my sons’ father to him. “Dad” never lived with us, mostly due to stalking, threats, etc. Once yelled across room something about getting married, I just asked him if he was looking for a reason to get a new plaid shirt and a bucket of chicken. So, after we fled and the child aged, it became more pressing to find words. I finally settled on “your father is peculiar, he does not like Mom, and you remind him of me.” The reason for the similarity is you have picked up some of my ways of talking and reacting. This worked well, hand in hand with father’s unreliability (after some unsuccessful years in the courts aiming for visitation of custody). Now, again after several years, they are each in a different world. My son says he has nothing to say to his dad and that his dad only criticizes and is not good at keeping his word. It took until he was 8 and my lawyer said he could vote with his feet, did not “have” to visit. Life went on and then dear old took him out of province for a family reunion, bought one ticket from here to there. The other ticket (which he deemed my son’s) took him from there to somewhere, layover for three days with a cousin he did not know and dear old did not give him money, then he flew from somewhere to home. Never got an apology, nothing. Son was 14. So the old guy has dug his own hole and is not shoveling alone.
My point is most kids start to lose blinders around 11-12 years old and from there they just slowly fall away. They do reappear albeit just briefly and then the dufus does something to ensure the blinders fall off. Once a dufus always a dufus. I do not think there is a readily available cure. Thanks for listening.
sounds really tough but you have come through it all and we are listening.
sure took enough years of your life fighting so this means you are a very brave woman, most of us would have folded. keep going. x hug