I am ashamed of my grown son, a 33 year old bum! Where did I fail goes over and over in my mind. I’ve realized recently I’m obsessed with this situation and must let it go, but how? It’s so hard!
He was three years old whenever his father and I divorced. It was bitter to say the least. It drug on for months. In the end I settled for joint custody, frankly I settled because his family got involved and they had more money than I. Joint custody. What a joke! It didn’t end there, the battle raged on.
Soon we added wife number two into the mix and she hated me more than my Ex MIL. They made things so difficult there were times I concidered walking away and letting them have him. I know that sounds horrible but he was being pulled apart. By the time he was five he was angry with me almost the whole time he was with me. I could tell by his behavior they were brain washing him against me. I to remarried and that brought on even more challenges. A new stepdad & stepbrothers was alot for him to adjust to, but he seemed to calm down and even wanted to come live with me. Things were still difficult.
His puberty & teen years were horrible. My EX MIL passed away whenever he was 12and his grief for her was very hard on him. I didn’t know much about grief at the time and didn’t understand what turmoil he was in. He was so bad my EX sent him to live with me. That only lasted a year before he wanted to move back to his Dad’s. For the most part he seemed to settle down for a while. He got into trouble for drinking and driving just before his eighteenth birthday and I found out through that ordeal he had also been doing drugs. He flunked his final exams and wasn’t going to be able to graduate without going to night classes to make up the credits so he gave up & got a job, but that didn’t last. With many fights, begging and crying, even bribery, he ended up going to the night school and earned his diploma. That took 3 years.
By that time he had moved out on his own. He moved around living with friends. He even worked out of state a while, but he wouldn’t keep a job long. During the time he was moving around his grandfather had moved into a nursing home, so whenever he lost his job out of state he came home and his father allowed him to move into his grandparents home, and that is where he is today. Living rent free in a 100 year old house that’s nearly falling to the grown. Him, his wife, and 16 month old baby.
He married at 29. I really had hopes his party days were over and he was serious about settling down. He had a good job, the new DIL was hard working sweet girl. She worked full time and was in college earning a business degree, things looked good for them. Or so I thought. I thought they were saving for a new home, when one day I get a call from him asking if he could borrow money for their light bill. What? Well he said, he had lost his job and didn’t want me to know, because he didn’t want me to worry. DIL had been sick so she had missed some work and we have just gotten behind.
This is where I fell in the black hole! I gave him money! And more money! Next thing you know she’s laidd off, and can’t look for work because she’s in bad health, and he can’t find work because of the poor economy. During the past 3 years they have lived off money from her family, his family my family, and myself. They have state healthcare, food stamps, and unemployment and still hit people up for money! The house they live in is horrible! Falling down, filthy, inside and out and my precious grand baby deserves better. My son has grown up better. They are out of their minds!
I have finally said enough! No more money from me! Now they can’t stand to be around me. They let me keep the baby every week, because they need a break! Really? Thanksgiving they didn’t hang around long because a few months back I finally told them how it is. I will not give you anymore money! I took him to the woodshed and gave him a come to Jesus preaching about his ways. I spelled it out pretty good for him in that 30 minutes speech. I told him he really should be ashamed to live like he does, and to not provide better for his precious baby is a sin! I really don’t know if that helped, but he does have a job now.
My dilemma is the baby. They love her no doubt! She’s always clean whenever I get her, and they fuss over the food she gets. They keep her up to date with her immunizations and all, but that shack they live in. My dilemma is what do I do about that? Anything? I’ve asked myself what would happen if the authorities were called? Would they remove the child? I think they would. Will they hate me and cut me off if I give them an ultimatum of 90 days to get her out of that house before I call the authorities? Should I wait until after Christmas?
What to do?