My daughter is a 38 year old mother of two. She is an attorney but works by contract to be more available to be active in her children’s lives. She has been in a relationship for 8 years with a man who is abusive but she is in denial. He has hit her. He does not contribute to the household. He berates her and argues in front of the children, friends and in the street in front of neighbors. She says she plans to ignore him until she finds a way to move out.
I worry about the effect all of this is having on my grandchildren and my daughter. I feel powerless.
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Thank you for your truth. I am wanting to become a world traveler. In 2011 I graduated college with an Associates degree in Tourism & Travel Management and Marketing. I need to get healthier, lose some weight and get my savings back up.
I love y
I thought I would revisit this post. I was going to respond to some of the comments but I won't. I realize I wrote this on the wrong site.
By the way..nevermind.
My six year old granddaughter told me just the other day that she is learning yoga in gym class. She said the teacher told them it would help them to calm down and be more peaceful. Then she demonstrated warrior lll and tree pose. I promised her I'd 
An addendum: I'm a little bit of a perfectionist and by little bit I mean a lot. I hate making mistakes, hate getting in trouble and am not a bit fan of being wrong. However, I learned that the most useful thing I could do for myself was to all
Watermusic,
That is exactly what to do to keep your spirit and energy in harmony. Thank you for sharing. Letting yourSelf off the hook is the hard part. Good for you.
I want to share your story with a client that is coming next week who can ne
Went she has had enough, she will move on it. It is a sad state and terrible for the children, I’m sure are afraid. But it is her choice, her choice. There are places for women with children to hide if necessary, but she as to want to. Let her know you love her and willing to help when needed. More VN women will be signing in with more ideas, this is a smart group. Hugs to you in your pain!
Have you offered to let her and the kids stay with you untill they can get back on their feet?
Maybe it would be a good idea for her visit a local women’s shelter – she could see she is not alone and there is help available as well as knowing there are many other women to talk to.
Okay, we all know he’s a bully and an ass. Bully’s have to pick on others to make themselves feel powerful – and when they have to pick on women they are just plain cowards. But, let’s not focus on him, let’s focus on her. A woman that stays in an abusive relationship is very insecure in who she is deep within herself. With her head she can admit that she is smart, has a career, etc. but deep down she doesn’t really believe it, or give herself the credit her accomplishments deserve. The main problem is that she doesn’t believe she can be loved. Every woman beater afterwards tells her how sorry he is, how much he loves her – he coddles her, showers her with attention – and this is what she craves. That emotional high is worth the previous physical pain. The key in getting her to leave is to for her to realize that she is loveable, that she is deserves better & more, that she is worth something – and for her to believe it. You need to find the one thing that she will believe about herself that is positive and reinforce it over & over to her until she begins to think it might have some truth. Until that happens, she won’t leave unless he trys to hurt - or does hurt – someone she loves, such as a child or pet – friend, etc. Don’t give up! I know this is pure torture for you but keep in touch with her as much as possible and instead of telling her to leave, tell her how special she is. I will be praying for her – and for you.
Thank you so much. Your response helped me realize that I must let go of the anger I have for this man and focus more on loving my daughter.
NLK – Good for you! Your anger won’t get you anywhere but your love has all the possibilities of good things happening! Don’t give up!
Wow..this is so true. I think you just described my daughter. She is 24 with a precious 1 yr baby girl. She has been in and out of this relationship with the abuser several times. It started out as emotional abuse..controlling, putting a tracker on her cell so he could see where she was all the time..picking fights with her friends. Threw a fit at her works Christmas party that was at her bosses house. Then on my daughters birthday this year in April the physical abuse happened. He pushed down several times and then drug her out of the house by her feet. She came running to my house(we lived in the same block) with baby in arms. I called the police and they took him to jail. He was charged with criminal assult. I thought for sure this time it was a done deal. She got an attorney, filed for divorce. Here it is July and she just went back to him. I am speechless. When I read your comments, it all became clear. I think she is addicted to the emotional high. She is a very smart girl, career wise. She is very attractive but I’m beginning to see that she is really insecure even though she acts very independent. I noticed in her relationships that she craves a lot of attention. I think you hit the nail right on the head. Now just getting her to believe she deserves more and that she is really worth something. She is such a beautiful girl and a great mother. It breaks my heart to see her go through this again. I just hope and pray the light is revealed to her before another tragedy happens.
I feel for your daughter and the children. Really, there is nothing you can do until SHE decides to leave. It often takes several tries and several reconciliations. Just support her and do NOT speak badly about him. Even if she is hurt, she will defend him if you malign him. Just love her. We waited years for my daughter to do this. Last week he ended up in jail and this is the last time. She is done. She and the 4 kids are staying with me as he broke doors and windows, and made the house unlivable. The repairs are costing thousands of dollars. He is in jail for at least a month as no one will post bond. Until families raise sons that recognize that girls are women are equal, domestic violence will persist. We must teach our children that all humans are valuable. Go to the library and read all you can about domestic violence. Educate yourself so you can support your daughter. Also, the legal system is NOT on the victim’s side. We have found the system does not work. YOU will have to stay on top of the case, when it comes to court, as the system is overloaded and little attention is paid to domestic violence victims. Last August, my niece and sister-in-law were killed by my niece’s husband. She had a restraining order, which he had broken 8 or 9 times and the police did nothing. The court did nothing. Friday she went to the court to beg for protection, and the judge said he did not believe her horror story. She and her mom were dead 9 hours later. I wish you the best of luck.
I have read the posts to NLK regarding her daughter’s situation of living with an abusive partner. I am now a thriver, once a survivor of an abusive and violence filled marriage. Love and support your daughter. It is her choice to make the decision to leave. If the children are being abused then she must realize that choice can be taken from her. Denial is a stage that victims go through. Learning to love oneself is key here. I endured 23 years of abuse and a childhood of sexual abuse before I began to get wise. I have also learned that it is important to love women for who they are. Deep inside every woman has immense strength. I raised three sons and one daughter. Did I raise the sons to be abusive? No, I focused on raising them to understand choice and consequences and also to see others as equals. Violence against women and children is a community issue and man’s issue and a woman’s issue. Zero tolerance is the norm in Canada, however violence and abuse continue. Love and support your daughter, find resources for her and your grandchildren, for they are being impacted daily because they are witnessing abuse.
Raised in a very abusive home these messages resonate deeply with me. I’m not aware of the current laws but know when a mother doesn’t advocate for the safety (emotional and physical) of her children she is grossly negligent. Unfortunately when women are threatened and abused there is little clear thinking. If your daughter is unable to be her children’s advocate you might have to. If she is telling you her husband is physically abusive you can be sure he is behaving similarly toward your grandchildren if not terrorizing them by abusing their mother when they are helpless to stop it. I know you love her and she is an adult, but she is not fulfilling her adult obligation to protect her children. I would tell her she must act in their best interest and you will pursue all information to help her toward this end not limited to contacting the authorities in her area if you fear she and her children are endangered because she is failing to act herself. This is beyond waiting for your daughter to figure out her parental responsibilities. The children at this point do not have an advocate acting in their best interest. She is teaching these kids louder than any words that they are not worth protecting while believing she is worthless. Kick in some tough love for your daughter – she’s blowing it!!
FYI I currently have no contact with my 84 y/o mom who continues to live with our abuser and make excuses for him. Being around them is like taking poison.
I appreciate the support I have received from the VN community.
Domestic violence is a life threatening, progressive, predictable pattern that often ends in murder.
O J Simpson and Nicole Brown are just one example.
Please pick up Gavin De Becker’s wonderful book The Gift of Fear
. Chapter 9 is all about domestic violence and its consequences.
If your daughter won’t save herself, then have her get out for the sake of the helpless child who’s watching all this. The child won’t have her mother if something happens to her.
De Becker recommends a women’s shelter as the best way to be safe. ‘Seek and apply strategies that make you unavailable to your abuser.’
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans is the book which saved my life after 31 years of abuse. I have been working like a Trojan for over 15 years to get the message out regarding verbal abuse, which is usually the pecursorr to physical violence. 1 in 3 women will be assaulted in their lifetimes. I wish as a society we would drop the “domestic” out of….violence………All you can do is be there for her…I was raised with an abusive mother and (unconsciously) “married” the original abuser and tried to fix the past. There is so much help out there for her. I hope she calls a shelter or hotline. Her children are learning how to treat someone else and/or will marry that person and repeat that recursive cycle.
I am the moderator of an abused survivors’ group (if she wants to talk), and I presented my paper, Society’s Hidden Pandemic, Verbal Abuse, Precursor to Physical Violence and a Form of Biochemical Assault at the Michigan Counseling Association recently and was published on Psych.Central
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I have a suspicion that she may feel “above” “those others”, after all she is an attorney and has seen this rodeo before. Because of her profession she may feel she SHOULD be able to better cope. Of course that is not accurate, however it is an admission (not to failure) to making a questionable decision or two. It takes a warrior woman to re-evaluate and make the necessary changes.
To enable that to happen, one needs to prop up the battered and bruised and keep suggesting, in a subtle manner, there are different decisions that can be made. It may also be useful to mention the role model for the children is to have courage, self-esteem, and a belief that they can make different choices.
Unfortunately, it is (as always) the children who will keep this wheel rolling. They need a stronger, more independent, role model.
It might help slightly…..to appeal to the parent in her….to tell her that her children are (ALSO) being abused, and more than likely will grow up to BE abusive or MARRY an abuser.
That is something that is subconscious, but happens more often than not. She believes she deserves this treatment.
Well, it starts by being a target to abusers, they have a sixth sense on how to pick us — low self esteem is the starting point. Time passes and the abuse is “minor” and the low self-esteem slips to lower. The abuse becomes more blatant and now my self esteem is at …. “what is self-esteem?”. By then there often exists in this dysfunctional package children, dog/cat, house, careers and the bruises. It is at this point the abused slips into the notion that they are too imperfect and “deserve” whatever is going on. This narcissistic decision serves no one, is inaccurate, and needs to be treated therapeutically and carefully. She cannot appear to be smarter because it creates the condition for more abuse.
Carefully prop her up, feed her love and affection, include the children in this move to better health. Encourage her to get an escape bag together and hidden, encourage her to start a flee fund, and (you can all hum along now …..)document, document, document. Remove valuables from the house and play “let’s pretend”.
Let us pretend we ARE going to visit grandma for awhile, what would we want to have, how much money would we need, what do we need to remove from the house, and ……..
Served with love, affection, and understanding.