Nine years ago, my oldest daughter married my best friend’s son. I had seen the attitude of the men in the family but hoped my son-in-law wouldn’t follow in their footsteps. The men all live their own lives and leave the women to handle the kids, home, etc. My daughter has lived with the Sunday home football games, the race track, the casino and a number of other activities that the “family men” participate in. He doesn’t pay attention to the kids and now that they are separated, doesn’t seem to have any time for the kids. He is always “working” or going bowling. She is at the end of her rope and now the kids are being left out of family events, such as a recent Halloween party. Pictures were posted on facebook of the party with her husband there and her mother-in-law, my best friend. This has upset her very much that the kids aren’t being considered in family events. I think that my friend should have as least thought to have them be invited since it was only a family event. My daughter is upset with the fact that they think she is the blame of this whole separation whereas she just got fed up with taking care of a husband who didn’t care if he was involved in the family at all. She is the first to actually take a stand with putting up with the men’s “time out”. I want to be supportive but I am really upset with my friend as well. Am I wrong to feel this way and I wonder if I will be able to get past this and have our friendship untarnished. What can I do? I try to not bring up the subject with my friend but she talks about it all the time. I feel our relationship changing as we speak. Comments invited. Thanks
| My Daughter is getting divorced |
November 01, 2012
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there are some dating coaches who are excellent for women like you. one is jonathon asley. not sure if i spelled it right. he also help you with your online profile and manages each email with you. try him. a good sense of men and woman.
Anonymous:
Remember the saying, "the grass always looks greener on the other side?"
If you are unhappy and want a divorce that is one thing. Isn't it worth writing a letter to your husband and sticking it on the dashboard of his car so you
If you want your friendship to go on, then you need to put down boundaries with your friend. Just tell her that you do not want to hear about the separation/divorce of your daughter and her son. It is their business, their issues, and you do not want it to come between your friendship.
If she persist with the talk, then you have your answer.
PS. Her son and the rest of those men sound like spoiled rotten, self centered, self absorbed jerks. Sorry, I know he is your SIL, but in my opinion he isn’t much of a man, if he can just ignore his wife and now his children.
I say good riddance to bad rubbish. Your daughter is very brave and courageous to stand up to him…
Thanks to both of you for the advice. I don’t care if he is my son-in-law or not, you guys are right that the men in that family are self-absorbed and spoiled. How can you turn your back on your wife and kids. I just can’t accept that. She is brave and courageous and I know she will be fine because she is determined to make a good life for those kids. My friend and I didn’t cause the split and we always said that if anything ever happened between them, it wouldn’t affect us…but here we are. You guys really validated my feelings and for that I thank both of you. This was my first post, and it really helped to get other feedback. Thanks again.
Both you and your friend are in a awkward situation. She obviously made peace with living with a spoiled man many years ago and probably does not now see what the big deal is. Also probably thinks your daughter was wrong to object to ‘boys having fun’.
She is wrong to leave the kids out of family events. Was the party or whatever at her place or was she invited to a family member’s house. If so she may not even have known that the kids were not invited. I’d cut her a bit of slack on this because she had to keep peace with her own family also.
But boundaries do need to be discussed as in, ” When we are together let’s try to talk in the present and leave family out of it.” That may also be difficult for her if she is close to her family and you both have chatted freely before this.
Neither you nor she is the cause of this split but you are both paying the price of it. I just hope that your friendship will continue if you both give it time and let things smooth over a bit. However it will take some time and probably a bit of distance between you.
Tiger:
You are correct, the less you say about the split the better off for all. Whatever you say could be shared and incorrectly stated. Your daughter will be best served when she makes plans for the children. She has plenty of evidence to support the notion that the children will not be included in the other family’s activities.
It is better when the children learn to model different behavior. About the last thing to want to live with is narcissists, they are WAY too much work and others do not like them.
It does not matter who is right and who is not. It is what it is and “it” needs to be dropped. You and your daughter have no idea of the thoughts and feelings of the children, nor their interpretation of what happened/happens. It is important that the children are engaged with your family with a simple explanation. I always told my son “dad does not like mom and so it is hard for him to figure things out”. Eventually he understood. it took until age 11-12 then the blinders were truly off.
He was extremely happy when my lawyer told him he “could vote with his feet” about seeing his dad. That with the unreliability of dear old sort of locked in and son is a fine citizen.
Remember none of this is personal. Your face/your daughter’s face/the childrens’ faces could be any face and dear old’s behavior would be the same.
Based on the idea that he does not interact with the children, what would be the point of inclusion? they would be left to take care of themselves and — frankly — they are better off loved and included — than abandoned and ignored. You know his history, so DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, this is headed for the courts and detailed, dated information is important.
Your friend has blinders on and unfortunately I believe it will come down to your daughter or your friend. Stay Strong for your daughter and grandchildren. Prayers to you all.
Something to realize is that your friend and the womenfolk and menfolk in her family do not think there is anything “wrong” or unusual with the behavior of their men. They are accustomed to it, accept it as normal behavior from their men and live with it.
If anything from their POV they just might think it’s your daughter’s behavior that is abnormal to expect her husband to participate in his children’s and wife’s life in another fashion. It also pokes the bear and could be threatening to the women who might be silently unhappy with the neglect. And to the men who do not want their arrangement to be challenged in anyway.
It is quite clear to me that your friend has made her choice by her actions. First of all by not inviting her grandchildren to a family event. Second by continually talking to you about the situation between her son and your daughter.
Realistically speaking your friendship has now changed. Most likely it will never be the same again. Realize it and adjust your expectations.
Your friend has chosen sides and it’s her son who prevails.
One of the casualities of divorce.
Try to continue to support your daughter through your sadness and loss of your friend.
Eventually you will find a new friend(s).
Hopefully one with life values more closely aligned with yours.